Please pray for my family

[meyerjd77]

Never mind.

[Texas Conservative]

It has been three years since my wife has begun her affair. She likes the security she has being married to me and the fun she has with her "friend" I exist to raise our two children and give them the most stable environment I can. The affair started while I was the president of our congregation. I became quite a laughing stock in our area. I've gotten away from church leadership. My wife is now part of the church council and is fully accepted and respected by all. I can't win and will not consider divorce for I know my wife would make it as ugly as possible for the kids and me. I get through all this by keeping my focus on the kids.
Our teenage son has told us he would never consider dating or marrying a woman because of what he has seen happen these last three years. My wife plans to divorce me in eight years when our youngest turns 18. On top of being a leader in our church she also speaks and writes on marriage and family topics so it is totally in her best interest to appear as a devoted wife and mother. I'm in a career that requires working nights, weekends, and being on call. In speaking to a lawyer, I was told that my wife would get full custody because of my job. I love my kids too much to put them in her care full time because basically she doesn't care for them.
I would divorce her but I have been told by several lawyers that I would never get custody of the kids because of my job schedule. I've brought up her lack of interest in being a mother and it doesn't seem to matter. Fathers have very few rights in this state. I'm looking to make a career change. Its very hard to give up a career that took years of education and training. I'm in pretty much a no win situation.
The good news keeps coming folks. My wife just called me at work to let me know that a book she wrote on marriage and family issues in going to be published. Our pastor has a connection to a publishing company a helped her throughout the process. It sounds like the book will be out in late fall. All I can say is be careful with what you read. Sometimes things aren't always how they appear.
My pastor does not offer counseling since she does not feel qualified. 6 other Christian counselors have told me to forgive my wife and move on. They have all said to never consider divorce and say that I need to work harder to save the marriage. So here I am on the internet.
I'm just plain stuck at this point. The state we are in only allows no-fault divorce. My lawyer has advised me I'll never get custody of my kids if I stay in my career that took years of training to enter. I feel better by at least telling my story. This has been very hard to keep to myself for over three years. Thanks again.

First off, I feel for ya.  Going through a divorce or dealing with such a horrible thing in life is heartbreaking.

1.  Right now you are allowing yourself to be a cuckold.  You are not doing your kids any favors by staying in a marriage.  They are seeing your example, and seeing you be emasculated.  The damage caused may be worse than after divorce.

2.  If you want to get out of the marriage and see your children more than every other weekend, look for a better job.  Or a job with a different schedule.  If you wait, your current wage will be looked at in child support calculations and you will be stuck.

3.  File first, look up the "silver bullet" tactics that women commonly use and how to combat against them.  Or use them against her first in order to gain leverage in the divorce and custody. 

4.  Spend a lot of time studying the law.  A lawyer is your general, you tell them what to do.  A lawyer is worth their weight in court, if it becomes just a paperwork affair, you are wasting your money on a lawyer.  You need to be as informed as possible as to your state's statutes.

5.  If you want 50/50 custody, file for full custody.  Make a case for her being unfit.  This is a legal maneuver.  There is a difference between morally right and legally right.  Don't expect moral arguments to sway a judge.  Thus, I am reiterating that you be informed as to your state's statutes.

6.   Document everything.  Record texts, save everything.  Potentially get a go-pro or other recording devices.   

7.  Your church sucks.  Leave.  Any church that would put a known adulterer in a leadership position is a terrible church.

[meyerjd77]

Never mind.

[Texas Conservative]

Thanks for you reply and suggestions.  I guess the only thing I wasn't clear on is that no one in the congregation, community, or our family knows nothing of the affair or my wife's other issues.  Our Pastor fully supports my wife since she is a co-author and presenter with my wife and seeks to gain for their activities and sale of their books and seminars.  When this Pastor came to our church the first thing she did was fire all of the male employees and replace them with ladies from outside the church.  She also likes to comment on how dumb men are during her sermons.  This as been quite a burden to keep bottled up for over three years.  My father was a founding member of our church and I'm glad I haven't had to face him about what has went on since he passed away in 2011.

I would never be part of a church with a female pastor for theological issues.  However, you shouldn't be there.  The church with a leadership like that is dead.

[Texas Conservative]

Another legal comment, in a no-fault state there is "equitable" distribution of assets like retirement 401k and other assets.  However, when it comes to alimony, statutes in the state may consider fault.  Something to look into anyway.