Tired of this

[SashaBear]

My stepfather thinks it's funny to "b-i-t-c-h slap" me. Whenever he does it, I yell, "STOP!" or "Don't do that." or call for my mom (she's the mediator). I don't like being slapped. You would think that he would get the picture, but apparently not because he continues to do it. This past Thursday while we were bringing our dinner to the table, he randomly popped me on the lip. It took everything in me not to hurt him back. I was visibly upset.  I told him that I did not want to speak to him at the table. I just needed to cool off.

After dinner,  he stood behind my mom, waved his hands to get my attention, and pretended to slap himself on the lip to mock me. That hurt me way more than the slap itself. I went to my room to cool off again. He told me to open the door so he could apologize, but he was laughing as he was saying that, so I told him to leave me alone. This is not the first time that something like that has happened. As usual, he hasn't apologized. Instead he told me that he was "just playing" and that he's sorry that I'M mad. I'm tired of this. Why does he enjoy seeing me upset? I don't get it. I don't believe that honoring your parents means you let them hurt you? I'm thinking about having a talk with him about boundaries. Hopefully he'll take me seriously.

[TonkaTim]

Sasha, I'm assuming you are a girl due to the name. How old are you? & Where is your Dad? Is he a man of good character? How about Grandfathers? Uncles? Older cousins? I'm asking because this information will help in my reply.

[SashaBear]

Hi. Yes, I am a girl. I'm 18.   

[SashaBear]

Whoops forgot to answer the other question.

My bio father is not in my life (never has been). I do have a grandfather and an uncle. They are great people.

[TonkaTim]

Hi. Yes, I am a girl. I'm 18.   

What he is doing is completely unacceptable. Why I was asking about your father or grandparents because I would not expect any young person stay in a situation of abuse. When it comes to young ladies & children I am very intolerant of abuse by men. I'm older from the deep south & was raised genteel southern. That type of behavior from a man is considered completely unacceptable. At 18 if you have a good family to help I would definitely say approach them first, especially a good dad and/or good grandfathers. Real men who would stand up for you & provide a home for you if necessary. Young ladies definitely deserve the protection of good parents like fathers & grandfathers.

If you do not have those, I'd suggest talking to the police, preferably a detective not a regular officer, counselors at school & church, even your medical doctor. In other words expose him to make him stop. In most states everyone in authority who is told of abuse are required to report it to the police. The downside to police intervention is they see so such much & so much worse now that what they would consider light abuse considering the extreme stuff they have witnessed may & does jade them in taking action in cases like yours seriously.

Talk to your grandfather first. I'm quite sure he will not be happy.

[SashaBear]

Thank you for replying. You sound like a very respectable person.

I should clarify that my stepfather doesn't slap me hard enough to leave a mark/bruise, so I don't think it's necessarily abusive. It's just degrading. I don't like it and he knows it, yet he does it anyway. That's what hurts me the most. If he was slapping me hard enough to leave a mark/bruise, I would for sure tell my family and go to the police. 

[TonkaTim]

It's just degrading.

Christian girls should never be degraded.
Christian girls are one of God's treasures & always should be treated as such.
Why I consider it completely unacceptable.

[Texas Conservative]

Thank you for replying. You sound like a very respectable person.

I should clarify that my stepfather doesn't slap me hard enough to leave a mark/bruise, so I don't think it's necessarily abusive. It's just degrading. I don't like it and he knows it, yet he does it anyway. That's what hurts me the most. If he was slapping me hard enough to leave a mark/bruise, I would for sure tell my family and go to the police.

You are 18.  What he did is assault.

[TonkaTim]

Thank you for replying. You sound like a very respectable person.

I should clarify that my stepfather doesn't slap me hard enough to leave a mark/bruise, so I don't think it's necessarily abusive. It's just degrading. I don't like it and he knows it, yet he does it anyway. That's what hurts me the most. If he was slapping me hard enough to leave a mark/bruise, I would for sure tell my family and go to the police.

You are 18.  What he did is assault.

+ manna

[Jd34]

Thank you for replying. You sound like a very respectable person.

I should clarify that my stepfather doesn't slap me hard enough to leave a mark/bruise, so I don't think it's necessarily abusive. It's just degrading. I don't like it and he knows it, yet he does it anyway. That's what hurts me the most. If he was slapping me hard enough to leave a mark/bruise, I would for sure tell my family and go to the police.

It is mental abuse and physical assault  and it needs to be nipped in the bud!

[TonkaTim]

Thank you for replying. You sound like a very respectable person.

I should clarify that my stepfather doesn't slap me hard enough to leave a mark/bruise, so I don't think it's necessarily abusive. It's just degrading. I don't like it and he knows it, yet he does it anyway. That's what hurts me the most. If he was slapping me hard enough to leave a mark/bruise, I would for sure tell my family and go to the police.

It is mental abuse and physical assault  and it needs to be nipped in the bud!

+ manna

[chosenone]

Hi. Yes, I am a girl. I'm 18.   

What he is doing is completely unacceptable. Why I was asking about your father or grandparents because I would not expect any young person stay in a situation of abuse. When it comes to young ladies & children I am very intolerant of abuse by men. I'm older from the deep south & was raised genteel southern. That type of behavior from a man is considered completely unacceptable. At 18 if you have a good family to help I would definitely say approach them first, especially a good dad and/or good grandfathers. Real men who would stand up for you & provide a home for you if necessary. Young ladies definitely deserve the protection of good parents like fathers & grandfathers.

If you do not have those, I'd suggest talking to the police, preferably a detective not a regular officer, counselors at school & church, even your medical doctor. In other words expose him to make him stop. In most states everyone in authority who is told of abuse are required to report it to the police. The downside to police intervention is they see so such much & so much worse now that what they would consider light abuse considering the extreme stuff they have witnessed may & does jade them in taking action in cases like yours seriously.

Talk to your grandfather first. I'm quite sure he will not be happy.

I am not actually sure what BITCH slapping is, but it doesn't sound good.
Real women would stand up for her too Tonkatim. The mother should making sure this stops.  If she doesn't then I would suggest that you ask a relative/father/grandparent if you can move in with them. Or move out on your own if you are able.

[TonkaTim]

Or move out on your own if you are able.

She is only 18. She is still girl child. Why I sent her to grandpa.
You just don't send little girl children out to be alone among the wolves at 18.

[RB]

Her mother is just as guilty as this wicked, unmerciful and childish man is~both should be turned into the authorities immediately and the man should be charged and her mother as well, maybe with a lesser charge, but charged. If the grandfather is a wonderful person tell him, and he should intervene. I have eight granddaughters and if my eighteen year old (I have one) came to me with a problem, I would act right then, not later, and pay that man a visit face to face and see if he would like to slap me. Abuse is totally unacceptable in any fashion whatsoever. I refuse to read certain articles that reports of really bad abuse of children by parents and by others~ it makes me sick to my stomach to read them. One only wonders how low man can go in abusing those they have a little authority to abuse them.

[TonkaTim]

I have eight granddaughters and if my eighteen year old (I have one) came to me with a problem, I would act right then, not later, and pay that man a visit face to face and see if he would like to slap me. Abuse is totally unacceptable in any fashion whatsoever.

God bless you good sir!

[MeMyself]

Sasha, get away from them both and do not look back.
He is wrong to be tormenting you this way and your mother is wrong for allowing it to continue! She is enabling his immature and abusive behavior.

The call to honor our parents does not mean we must take any form of abuse. God bless you and draw near to you and may you find a place to live that is kind and supportive of you.

[mommydi]

I'm so sorry you're having to live in this situation, SashaBear. I agree with the advice the others gave on going to your grandfather about this.

Something about the way you describe your step-father's behavior - taunting, laughing, hiding behind your mom and smiling, and slapping you - but not hard enough to leave marks - that reminds me of an adolescent boy chasing a girl around the playground at school. You're right that he's not respecting your boundaries. He needs to check the boundaries of his physical behavior with you and check the boundaries of his mind while he's at it.

Please talk to your grandfather about this and give him a thorough description of your step-father's behavior with you. Maybe you can live with your grandparents or a trusted relative until you're a little older and ready to be on your own?

[TonkaTim]

I'm so sorry you're having to live in this situation, SashaBear. I agree with the advice the others gave on going to your grandfather about this.

Something about the way you describe your step-father's behavior - taunting, laughing, hiding behind your mom and smiling, and slapping you - but not hard enough to leave marks - that reminds me of an adolescent boy chasing a girl around the playground at school. You're right that he's not respecting your boundaries. He needs to check the boundaries of his physical behavior with you and check the boundaries of his mind while he's at it.

Please talk to your grandfather about this and give him a thorough description of your step-father's behavior with you. Maybe you can live with your grandparents or a trusted relative until you're a little older and ready to be on your own?

mommydi, that is excellent insight.
Something that had not even crossed my mind.
Once I read your post & realised what you are saying it made my skin crawl.

[mommydi]

I'm so sorry you're having to live in this situation, SashaBear. I agree with the advice the others gave on going to your grandfather about this.

Something about the way you describe your step-father's behavior - taunting, laughing, hiding behind your mom and smiling, and slapping you - but not hard enough to leave marks - that reminds me of an adolescent boy chasing a girl around the playground at school. You're right that he's not respecting your boundaries. He needs to check the boundaries of his physical behavior with you and check the boundaries of his mind while he's at it.

Please talk to your grandfather about this and give him a thorough description of your step-father's behavior with you. Maybe you can live with your grandparents or a trusted relative until you're a little older and ready to be on your own?

mommydi, that is excellent insight.
Something that had not even crossed my mind.
Once I read your post & realised what you are saying it made my skin crawl.

I tried to word it delicately.

[TonkaTim]

I'm so sorry you're having to live in this situation, SashaBear. I agree with the advice the others gave on going to your grandfather about this.

Something about the way you describe your step-father's behavior - taunting, laughing, hiding behind your mom and smiling, and slapping you - but not hard enough to leave marks - that reminds me of an adolescent boy chasing a girl around the playground at school. You're right that he's not respecting your boundaries. He needs to check the boundaries of his physical behavior with you and check the boundaries of his mind while he's at it.

Please talk to your grandfather about this and give him a thorough description of your step-father's behavior with you. Maybe you can live with your grandparents or a trusted relative until you're a little older and ready to be on your own?

mommydi, that is excellent insight.
Something that had not even crossed my mind.
Once I read your post & realised what you are saying it made my skin crawl.

I tried to word it delicately.

You succeeded. You did well.

[AVZ]

My stepfather thinks it's funny to "b-i-t-c-h slap" me. Whenever he does it, I yell, "STOP!" or "Don't do that." or call for my mom (she's the mediator). I don't like being slapped. You would think that he would get the picture, but apparently not because he continues to do it. This past Thursday while we were bringing our dinner to the table, he randomly popped me on the lip. It took everything in me not to hurt him back. I was visibly upset.  I told him that I did not want to speak to him at the table. I just needed to cool off.

After dinner,  he stood behind my mom, waved his hands to get my attention, and pretended to slap himself on the lip to mock me. That hurt me way more than the slap itself. I went to my room to cool off again. He told me to open the door so he could apologize, but he was laughing as he was saying that, so I told him to leave me alone. This is not the first time that something like that has happened. As usual, he hasn't apologized. Instead he told me that he was "just playing" and that he's sorry that I'M mad. I'm tired of this. Why does he enjoy seeing me upset? I don't get it. I don't believe that honoring your parents means you let them hurt you? I'm thinking about having a talk with him about boundaries. Hopefully he'll take me seriously.

Some men have issues with boundaries, they cant keep their hands to themselves, they are somehow wired wrongly and they need someone to put them back in place.
In the common realm they are called bullies.
The problem in this case is that your mother picked him, so he likely is going to be around for a while.

You are 18 years old so you have a voice, and I think you should speak up.
Just tell him and your mom that if he does it again you will file a police report. It really doesn't matter if you have marks or not, the police will come and he will have to make a statement.
Or they will just arrest him and bring him downtown.

Bullies usually are cowards, and cowards don't like to be humiliated.
Chances are once you stand up for yourself, speak your mind and show him the prospect of police interference he will stop.

[Alan]

The step father putting his hands on you at your age is completely unacceptable, if the idea of support from a close relative doesn't sit well with you you made need to state your boundaries with the utmost assertiveness and tell your step-father and your mother that this behaviour needs to stop now or you will take matters into your own hands. Talk to a counsellor at school to find out what your options are, for the most part they can be very helpful in situations such as these, let him know that the mental abuse caused by the mocking physical abuse is hurting you and is just not tolerable.


Will be praying for you in your troubled time.

[SashaBear]

Thank you all for replying. It's nice to vent and be heard.

As for my mom, she has never actually seen him slap me so maybe that's why she doesn't take it more seriously. He makes sure to do it when she's not looking/around. He's very sneaky like that. When I tell my mom, she  just tells him, "That's not nice". He laughs. He really does act like an adolescent boy, now that I think about it.

Him and my mom have been out of town since Friday night and it's been really nice not to have to deal with him. I'm definitely going to set boundaries when he gets back. I'm gonna tell him I don't want to "play around" (as he calls  it) ever again because I don't like it, and if he puts his hands on me just one more time, I'm going to tell my grandparents. I'm going to tell my mom the same thing so she can hold him accountable. I'm sure she doesn't want her parents knowing that he's not as nice as they think he is.

I know my grandparents would take me in, no questions asked. The only reason I haven't moved in with them yet is because I didn't want to change schools. But I don't mind anymore. My relationship with God is more important. I don't need any stumbling blocks in my life. If things don't change, I'm out.

[MeMyself]

Her down playing it concerns me. She doesn't have to see it first hand to see how obviously upset you are, surely! Please don't allow her to make you feel that you are over reacting or too sensitive. He is in the wrong and so is she for excusing it.

You deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. Neither of them seem to see that.

Boundaries are so good and please know that you are worth defending them!  And, don't feel badly when you have to act on them.

[SashaBear]

Thank you. My mom does downplay his behavior a lot. About 2 years ago (when him and my mom first got married), he started giving me very inappropriate "hugs", putting his hand under my shirt and under my bra. One time he even touched my breast. I told my mom and she told him that I don't like "hugging". That's not true, I don't mind hugs, at all. I just don't like being touched inappropriately while receiving a hug. There's a difference. Now I only let him hug me when there's other people around. I'm just thankful him and my mom didn't meet when I was a little girl and didn't know right from wrong.

[MeMyself]

Yeah.
You need to move on and don't look back!
No warning, no second chances. Tell and move on!
I am so sorry this has happened to you. (((Hugs)))

[chosenone]

Thank you all for replying. It's nice to vent and be heard.

As for my mom, she has never actually seen him slap me so maybe that's why she doesn't take it more seriously. He makes sure to do it when she's not looking/around. He's very sneaky like that. When I tell my mom, she  just tells him, "That's not nice". He laughs. He really does act like an adolescent boy, now that I think about it.

Him and my mom have been out of town since Friday night and it's been really nice not to have to deal with him. I'm definitely going to set boundaries when he gets back. I'm gonna tell him I don't want to "play around" (as he calls  it) ever again because I don't like it, and if he puts his hands on me just one more time, I'm going to tell my grandparents. I'm going to tell my mom the same thing so she can hold him accountable. I'm sure she doesn't want her parents knowing that he's not as nice as they think he is.

I know my grandparents would take me in, no questions asked. The only reason I haven't moved in with them yet is because I didn't want to change schools. But I don't mind anymore. My relationship with God is more important. I don't need any stumbling blocks in my life. If things don't change, I'm out.

I am guessing at 18 that school for you must be finishing this summer? Maybe then you can move away or go to college?

[SashaBear]

^

Yes. I finish school in June. I plan on moving out then. I'm thinking of going to this community college near my grandparent's house. 

[chosenone]

^

Yes. I finish school in June. I plan on moving out then. I'm thinking of going to this community college near my grandparent's house.

Good idea, that's not long now is it.   

[RB]

Yes. I finish school in June. I plan on moving out then. I'm thinking of going to this community college near my grandparent's house.

It's nice to move forward with your life, but what your step-father did to you, should be reported, or at least, you should tell your grandfather WITH YOUR MOTHER presence with you. As a grandparent, I would want to know, so I could with my years of experience deal with what he did to you based on what you have said above. I will add this and stop~dear child, he most likely did more, and you are too embarrassed to say it, or he did so, and you were unaware that he did, or even both, God knows. No man or woman has the right to touch another person without their consent, and EVEN THEN, no man should touch a young girl...and one step more, no married person should do this to any person period, other than his or her spouse. These are acts of wickedness that God will judge and at one time was judged severely by judges when righteousness meant something in this world, now it does not.

[Rella]

I'm so sorry you're having to live in this situation, SashaBear. I agree with the advice the others gave on going to your grandfather about this.

Something about the way you describe your step-father's behavior - taunting, laughing, hiding behind your mom and smiling, and slapping you - but not hard enough to leave marks - that reminds me of an adolescent boy chasing a girl around the playground at school. You're right that he's not respecting your boundaries. He needs to check the boundaries of his physical behavior with you and check the boundaries of his mind while he's at it.

Please talk to your grandfather about this and give him a thorough description of your step-father's behavior with you. Maybe you can live with your grandparents or a trusted relative until you're a little older and ready to be on your own?

mommydi, that is excellent insight.
Something that had not even crossed my mind.
Once I read your post & realised what you are saying it made my skin crawl.

I tried to word it delicately.

I know exactly what you are saying but I am afraid SashaBear may not.

That was my first thought when I read the OP.

You advise about her going to her grandfather is good. I hope she takes it.

And I pray that this gets resolved very soon.

[Alan]

With the introduction of Post # 24 this thread has moved from defensible to despicable, this guy is clearly a creep and needs to be exposed as such.

[MeMyself]

With the introduction of Post # 24 this thread has moved from defensible to despicable, this guy is clearly a creep and needs to be exposed as such.

Yep!
She needs to tell and then get away from them both!
Poor gal. Such a terrible situation.

[Michael2012]

My stepfather thinks it's funny to "b-i-t-c-h slap" me. Whenever he does it, I yell, "STOP!" or "Don't do that." or call for my mom (she's the mediator). I don't like being slapped. You would think that he would get the picture, but apparently not because he continues to do it. This past Thursday while we were bringing our dinner to the table, he randomly popped me on the lip. It took everything in me not to hurt him back. I was visibly upset.  I told him that I did not want to speak to him at the table. I just needed to cool off.

After dinner,  he stood behind my mom, waved his hands to get my attention, and pretended to slap himself on the lip to mock me. That hurt me way more than the slap itself. I went to my room to cool off again. He told me to open the door so he could apologize, but he was laughing as he was saying that, so I told him to leave me alone. This is not the first time that something like that has happened. As usual, he hasn't apologized. Instead he told me that he was "just playing" and that he's sorry that I'M mad. I'm tired of this. Why does he enjoy seeing me upset? I don't get it. I don't believe that honoring your parents means you let them hurt you? I'm thinking about having a talk with him about boundaries. Hopefully he'll take me seriously.

I agree with what everyone here have told you Sasha.

May I just add, as a matter of precaution, that while you wait to get to live with your relatives elsewhere, that you take extra care when you're with him, by avoiding physical contact and being alone with him. Guard yourself at all times and avoid wearing provocative clothing.

Pray.   

[mommydi]

With the introduction of Post # 24 this thread has moved from defensible to despicable, this guy is clearly a creep and needs to be exposed as such.

Yes, and speaking of exposing him for what he is, other family members and/or close friends with children need to know so they can make sure he hasn't done something similar to their kids. If he's slid his hand under her top, then there's the chance he's done this to others.