"Love thy neighbour as yourself" vs. healthy boundaries

[ChrisRennison]

Hi,

So my dilemma is basically this:
How does a Christian man seek to "love thy neighbour as himself" (Matthew 12:31) and also "flee from sexual immorality" (1 Corinthians 6:18), in situations where our neighbours metaphorically are female?

I feel very blessed by God to be a born again Christian man, in his 20's. I didn't grow up a Christian and came to faith in 2013, aged 20; after a string of bad experiences. I feel very blessed to have a two great churches to belong to, a great job to go to, a great sport to be involved with, great mentors to look up to, great friends to talk to and a great parental support from my grandparents. However, I feel that a lot of these situations (church, work, sports, even discussions of how my week has been with family) have been spoiled by my inability to have healthy positive interactions with the young women that occur in these situations. I have been in relationships before and they never ended well, so I feel like I have a string of bitter exes, and I have a history of sexual sin I am trying to leave behind. I am sober now for a few years since around 2015 I have not been drunk, praise the Lord; but I am still getting into situations where I am unintentionally hurting the women in my life around me. I can interact positively with most other people: old men, old women - who I look up to and seek guidance from; kids - some of whom I run activities for in the church group; guys who are peers - who I am usually ok friends with; taken girls who are peers - who I am normally ok platonic friends with; it is just single women about my age - I honestly can't just have normal healthy conversation with women my age who are single without it either turning flirtatious or rejecting them in a really harsh/awkward way.

I want to be able to "love thy neighbour as thyself" with everyone in my life and situations where things with young women break down spill over into other areas of my life as people who I either look up to, mentor or are friends with hear about how the relationships with the young women in my life keep breaking down. I have prayed about it and tried diagramming out the people in my life into circles of proximity but there are still a bunch of bitter exes and colleagues at work/sports that I am now ex-friends with and so awkward with and nervous around.

Thinking about "love thy neighbour as yourself" and love being either:
Eros: sexual passion.
Philia: deep friendship.
Ludus: playful love. ...
Agape: love for everyone. ...
Pragma: longstanding love.
Philautia: love of the self.

My question is kind of how do you achieve agape and philia with women who are peers without traces of eros & ludus coming in?

I heard a powerful sermon on this where a pastor in the church admitted despite the fact he was happily married, he had a legitimate reason as part of his ministry to talk to an attractive woman about his age who worked in the church alongside him. He went to meet her and ended up talking about the ministry but without meaning to they became friends and then by the end of the meeting were laughing and giggling flirtatiously at each other. He immediately felt guilty afterwards and told his wife, the woman and everyone in his team at church. He ended up alienating the woman he was supposed to be working with and damaging his relationship with his wife and his church. Admittedly he stopped it early and confessed so it didn't get too bad/out of control. But I feel like situations like this happen to me all the time, and I have a string of colleagues/sisters in the fellowship/romantic exes with which things are now awkward and messy and broken; and it prevents me from focusing on other better things to focus on.

Sorry for dragging down the energy for everyone who reads this.

Please. Any advice that can help me break this cycle and move forwards to a sin free life would be greatly appreciated.

[chosenone]

With reference to the story you spoke of, if a woman in the church or outside needs some sort of help or advice or counseling, then a woman must do it. Same with a man, get another man.

In your situation, you need good boundaries with women. Don't spend time alone with them. Keep in a group. If you have a men's group in the church join it, and if you need to talk to someone then always go to a man. If you ever do date again, then ask an older mature male Christian to keep you accountable, sex is for marriage only.
IF you can't see women of your age without flirting or being harsh then maybe just stay away from them or just see them in a group setting for the time being. Ask one or two other men you know to pray with and for you about it, but it may be best if you avoid romantic relationships for now until you are able to understand why they always end up in a mess.