Marriage without sex

[ohcalidatex]

Ok not without but with someone who cannot climax due to meds except by solo sex and even then after 30+ minutes due to the effects of medication. Not ED. Can fully participate in sex other than climaxing. Doesn't feel the same though. Not that arousing. More doing it for your spouse. Hard to initiate since it's accompanied by little to no libido.

As a woman how would you feel about this? Would this bother you? Would you allow your husband to relieve himself when needed?

[Texas Conservative]

Not a woman, but I bet if the shoe was on the other foot about a woman having some medical issue related to sex and a man came in here and even hinted anything about this, they would get mean.  Just sayin'.

[MeMyself]

Ok not without but with someone who cannot climax due to meds except by solo sex and even then after 30+ minutes due to the effects of medication. Not ED. Can fully participate in sex other than climaxing. Doesn't feel the same though. Not that arousing. More doing it for your spouse. Hard to initiate since it's accompanied by little to no libido.

As a woman how would you feel about this? Would this bother you? Would you allow your husband to relieve himself when needed?

If its out of his control and truly due to meds, I would think it would be difficult to deal with, but it would not be a deal breaker. Try to believe the best; and give him some supportive benefit of the doubt that its not really a rejection of you.

Having said that, I would talk to his doctors and see if there was something else they could switch him to so that you both could enjoy each other more.

[mommydi]

Hello there, ohcalidatex. I read some of your previous posts to get a better handle on where you're coming from on this.


You've said you don't enjoy sex with a partner, but do enjoy sex with yourself.  (trying to keep this as PG as possible) In previous posts, you point to your mom's alcoholism and fear of intimacy as the root cause of not enjoying sex with a partner. In the latest post, you seem to point to a medical condition as the reason you don't enjoy sex with a partner. Not trying to pin a gotcha on you, but just wanting to know - is your lack of desire for sex with a partner due to fear of sexual intimacy like you said earlier, or is it due to a medical condition like you claim now? Not judging, just wondering.

[mommydi]

As a woman how would you feel about this? Would this bother you? Would you allow your husband to relieve himself when needed?

(For anyone easily offended - look away)

When you say the husband relieves himself when needed  and asks if wife would mind...

That depends.

Situation #1 -
Husband ends love-making session by going to another room to finish up away from her. Wife would probably feel rejected and not like that.

Situation #2 -
Husband ends love-making session by finishing up in front of her. Wife probably wouldn't mind, and might even enjoy.

Situation #3-
Husband/wife end love-making session, but husband waits until a future time to take care of matters without her. Some wives would mind, others may not. My Human Sexuality professor used to say quite often - for every pot, there's a lid. Somewhere out there is a woman who wouldn't have a problem with #1, #2, and/or #3.



Mercy, this is getting involved.   

[RB]

My Human Sexuality professor used to say quite often - for every pot, there's a lid. Somewhere out there is a woman who wouldn't have a problem with #1, #2, and/or #3.

Very wise statement. What a husband and a wife do behind closed doors is strictly between~and should STAY THERE. When discussing such things, purity should be our main focus point. Our sister mommydi did a good job with her post.

My wife is a great woman and does what she can to make sure her husband's sexual needs are fulfilled WITH HER, and by her and whenever. Of course, I do the same for her, even when I'm tired and ready for sleep.  It's a two-way street that's never closed. I cannot imagine a marriage without sex. It's a great gift from God to us. 

[ohcalidatex]

It is both for sure. Medically the drugs make it very hard and takes forever. If that part were normal and it was just the psychological part I don't think it would be a big issue. Part of the lack of enjoyment is that it's not especially pleasurable. I think the meds numb things physically to where the physical pleasure is very minimal. When the body and mind are working together it is a very enjoyable situation. When it's just the mind it is still meaningful but feels odd. When you are giving your spouse a shoulder massage you enjoy giving them relaxation and touching them but you don't expect it to be the same type of feelings as in intimacy. When you are engaged in intimacy and it feels like giving a non-sensual massage then that feels odd.

[ohcalidatex]

I would never do #1. #2 sometimes works but not always. #2 would always be the first choice but #3 would need to happen as well.

[RB]

I cannot imagine a marriage without sex. It's a great gift from God to us.

I want to add some comments to my statement, so as to not offend a brother or sister.

When I said that I cannot imagine an marriage without sex, I was not saying that God does not give some the gift to not marry, for he certainly does, as proven by Jesus Christ and Paul and John the Baptist, the three greatest men that ever lived in this world with Christ FAR ABOVE the other two. These gifts are very limited given, but I was speaking mainly concerning marriage with no thoughts concerning people who have never been given that gift from God to not marry.

A sexless marriage, for the most part, is no marriage, where there are two people capable of engaging in sex, but one is denied for this or that reason. Once a month, or twice, is not really having sex, but AS MUCH as one partner desires to fulfill his or her needs. The ONLY time that it should be halted is for spiritual actively, prayer, reading, studying, etc. but for an very limited time should it be halted lest Satan tempts us. See 1st Corinthians chapter seven.

[ohcalidatex]

As I've thought about this more I think my issue is both. I don't know that I fear intimacy so much as I have been unable to bond with someone. I believe I suffered from attachment disorder as a baby/child and no amount of counseling or prayer has yet healed me from that. My entire life I have been unable to truly bond. So sex for me was largely emotionless. It was never the emotional bonding experience it should have been. Add to that now not having the physical pleasure and it's pretty much an act I can only do in service to a spouse. That said I don't think I have any business getting married though as I cannot bond. I can love in a caring way wanting someone's good but that love is very limited in terms of emotions and affection. Affection is not something I naturally give much. I can try and remind myself to be affectionate but it has never been natural. I think that is because I can't bond. If you don't have deep feelings for someone then you are not likely to be affectionate. So I can care but that caring does not easily create bonding.

I do pray the Lord will deliver me from this.

[mommydi]

ohcalidatex, I will pray for you. As crazy as it sounds, I know someone with the same issues. It's a good thing that you understand marriage is a bad idea since you have an inability to bond and only offer affection when forcing yourself to do so. Most women deeply need affection, and affection that's offered freely by their man. However, let me say this - there are a few women out there who aren't typical and who would be fine with a marriage/relationship that includes little to no physical contact and little to no affection. More of a casual friendship relationship. I knew a woman like that. Women like that are rare, but there are some out there suited to that type of non-affectionate relationships.
ohcalidatex, do you mind if I ask you a few questions about this? You could help my understanding of this a little better. No judgement from me - just wondering ...
If you could answer this question, it would really, really help me understand something. Since you have this inability to bond, and prefer little to no physical contact and affection from a partner  - why do you search for a partner? In your own words, please tell me why you think you want/need a wife. Thank you.

[ohcalidatex]

Hey thanks. I should add that I am not totally unaffectionate. I like hugs, holding hands, and some cuddling. I think I do ok. Maybe not as much in bed.

You asked a good question. I think I look because I am attracted to women (physically and personalities) and do like some companionship. Maybe not enough to make a marriage work but being alone all the time is not ideal. I have friends but not friends I see socially. They either live out of town or are busy with their own lives and relationships. Most weekends I am alone the entire weekend. Same with weeknights. I don't like groups so joining clubs or church groups is not comfortable for me. At times I think maybe it will be different if I find the right person. So far though that has not been the case.

Perhaps I should give up but then I'd have even less people contact.