Single guy and struggling

[Singing for the Lord]

This is a short essay I wrote last year about a problem I've had all my life. I haven't shown it to anyone yet and I'm only posting it here because I can be more or less anonymous. The essay is about six and a half pages long, so it's kind of lengthy for a blog post. but if you choose to read through it, I would appreciate some constructive feedback. Thanks.


I have a problem.

It's a problem I've had since I was a young boy, and it's one that I'm sure many young boys have when growing up. I like to look at pictures of women wearing bras and panties.

I've always been ashamed of it.  When I was growing up, I did my best to keep it a secret. Of course my parents knew about it, but in the end I got away with it far more than the times they caught me.

I can remember getting up in the middle of the night, trying to be as quiet as possible, to snatch a Sears or JC Penney catalog, then heading into the bathroom for a light source and paging through the lingerie section for ten or twenty minutes. Sometimes I would get a flashlight and sneak a catalog back to my bedroom and look through it while under the blankets. I was always nervous that my parents would catch me, but the desire to see more pictures of women in their underwear was often too strong to resist.

Of course, it wasn't just catalogs. Every Sunday I would look forward to the newspaper delivery. I always loved looking through the comics, but my secret desire was the department store flyers. Nearly every week, at least one flyer, usually more than one, had a few or even several pictures of beautiful, smiling women in their underwear. I learned to be very patient when the flyers were there. I would wait for the right moment when no one was around, and then steal a look through the ads, staring at the pictures for long moments if time permitted. Sometimes I would take all the lingerie pictures from the ad, fold them up, and hide them somewhere to look at them again later on. Eventually, I would throw them away out of guilt and shame, only to find myself looking through the next week's ads within a few days.

This problem eventually led me to masturbation in my early teens. I had always known that looking at lingerie pictures would make my penis hard. But it wasn't until I was about thirteen or fourteen when I discovered that it felt really good to squeeze and rub my penis while I was aroused, and it wasn't long before I experienced my first orgasm. From that point on, I would take a store ad or catalog with me to the bathroom or my bedroom, or, if I couldn't, just use my imagination in those locations and masturbate to an orgasm.

The Internet only made things worse. When my parents got an Internet subscription, I would take every opportunity I could to find more lingerie pictures on various websites. I even began downloading pictures to save in my own folder on the computer. My parents caught me several times, either while in the act, or, more often, by finding my saved pictures or seeing the web browsing history. I was punished every time I was caught, and I was always truly remorseful; but the next time I would only try harder to not get caught.

Using lingerie pictures as pornography did lead me into actual pornography, looking at pictures of nude women and, occasionally, a hardcore Internet video. Although I still have problems with that as well, I've only dabbled in it compared to how much time I've spent staring at lingerie pictures.

I understand that a picture of a woman modeling lingerie is not really pornography. Pornography, in the most technical of terms, is a form of media that is produced for the sole purpose of sexually arousing an intended audience. Thus, a picture of a woman posing nude is pornography, since the picture was taken and sold to sexually arouse men.

A woman modeling lingerie, however, is something different. In this case, the picture is a commercial advertisement for the articles of clothing that the model is wearing, meant to persuade women (and maybe a few husbands) to buy that item.  The picture was not taken so that guys like myself can be sexually aroused, even though it would be naïve of anyone (the advertiser, the photographer, the model, etc.) to think that it does not happen.

So, no, a picture of a lingerie model wearing a bra and panties is technically not pornography. But I'm not letting myself off the hook that easily. The fact is, I am using it as pornography. That is what makes it wrong.

As I've stated already, I have never made excuses for this problem. From the beginning, I have instinctively known that it is wrong for me to do this. In my mind I cannot rationalize that a woman in her underwear is the same as a woman in a bikini. True, the two articles of clothing cover roughly the same amount of skin, and I'd be lying if I said that I did not enjoy the sight of a good-looking woman in a swimming suit or a bikini. But swimwear is meant to be seen while at the pool or the beach. Underwear, by its very definition, is not meant to be seen.

Let me be clear about one thing. I am not one of those guys that try to sneak a peek down a woman's blouse or up her skirt. Doing so would be absolutely disrespectful toward her. Whenever I see a woman lean over in a direction that shows me a glimpse of her bra, I always look away and try to think of something else. I have to assume that she didn't mean to do that, and that had she known of the advantage she was giving me, she most certainly would have made sure that I could not have seen anything. Furthermore, if she knew that I had gained a peek at her bra or even her panties, I believe that she would be terribly embarrassed. After all, I can only imagine how embarrassed I would be if my pants were to suddenly fall down in public.

Yes, I know. It has become very common to go to a store or a park or someplace public, and see several women wearing tops that show their bra straps. As a guy, such a sight is certainly enticing, but it seems almost commonplace since I can see that all the time. I do admit that I am surprised at how careless some women can be in allowing their straps to show. But on the other hand, it's only the straps and not the whole bra. I suppose the situation can be compared to my underwear band peeking out from the top of my shorts, although I try to make sure that doesn't happen. I guess some women are unconcerned with showing a strap, or maybe they've given up trying to hide them. But I wish some women would have a little more class.

I must say that I do feel sorry for women. Trying to hide a bra under a shirt or a dress is not easy, as far as I can tell. She has to constantly be cognizant of which way she leans over. The wind might blow up her skirt, or push her blouse to the side. Her bra can show right through her opaque top, showing everyone an outline of what she's wearing underneath. On a very hot day, a man can take off his shirt in most places, but a woman cannot. I do not envy these predicaments.

But I guess I'm digressing. The point I'm trying to make is that while I enjoy looking at pictures of women in lingerie, I do not try to take advantage of women in public, and I never will. But why is it that I cannot stop looking at lingerie pictures?

What is it about a woman in lingerie that I find so arousing? As I said before, lingerie is an article of clothing that is not meant to be seen by others, except for those closest to the woman wearing it, e.g. her husband. Of course, her breasts and groin should not be seen either. I admit, I have looked at many nude pictures of women, but my favorite is still lingerie. If it weren't for the lingerie pictures, I doubt that I would be ogling nude pictures at all.

An explanation I came up with many years ago is that lingerie is the icing on the cake. We all know that a cake without frosting is not much of a cake at all. Additionally, you cannot have a cake make purely of frosting. Likewise, I'm not inclined to stare at a bra that isn't being worn. To get any arousal out of it, the picture must show the woman wearing the bra, as well as her face. (That being said, my eyes often drift over to the racks of bras in the lingerie section of a department store; for that reason I usually go out of my way to not pass by that part of the store.) So maybe that explains why I prefer to see a woman in lingerie rather than a woman wearing nothing at all, at least partially. It simply adds to her beauty. (Of course, me being a guy, I do enjoy the sight of a beautiful nude woman.)

But I also think that the reason for my fascination with lingerie pictures is that the woman in the picture is wearing something that should not be seen. Underwear is meant to be worn under clothes, not out in the open. According to our social norms, bras and panties must be hidden, worn only to support and/or protect the most vulnerable and sensitive parts of a woman's body. It is true that swimwear does that as well. Yet, as I've already stated, swimwear can be shown; underwear must be hidden.

Every time I view a picture of a woman in her underwear, a fantasy is created in my mind, whether I realize it or not. Indeed, a fantasy is created in the mind of any guy who looks at a picture that sexually arouses him. Exactly what kind of fantasy differs from one person to the next.

As for myself, my fantasies are usually about getting or being married. As a guy who has been single for too long, I desperately want to get married, and I often find myself fantasizing about married life with my wife, whoever she may be.

My fantasies are not always sexual in nature, but I would say that the sexually oriented ones do account for most. They often involve my wife in a sexy bra and panties after removing a robe or getting undressed. We make out for a while before she takes off her lingerie, and then we have sex together. I almost always masturbate to the fantasy, resulting in an orgasm.

One of the most erotic things about these fantasies is that my wife is revealing herself to me in a way that she would not dare do for others. She allows me, and only me, to see her in underwear, or naked. She has sex only with me. She tells me, and no one else, that she loves me.

So perhaps that is another reason why I enjoy looking at lingerie pictures. Every time I see a woman modeling a bra, a fantasy is created in my mind of that woman, as my wife, showing me what she would normally be embarrassed to show others; articles of clothing that, similar to her breasts, bottom, and groin, should not be shown to anyone else. Her underwear is the most intimate part of her clothing, covering the most intimate parts of her body, and only the person she is most intimate with is allowed to see it.

There is, yet, another reason why I am so fascinated with a picture of a woman in lingerie. I say fascinated because this one leaves me kind of bewildered. Every woman who models lingerie is a real person. She is not just a picture; she has a name, a job, a home, and a family. She is, more or less, just like every other woman in Western society. Which leads me to the following question: isn't she embarrassed to be photographed and published like this?

Most women you see in public would not dare to take off their clothes and be photographed in a bra and panties, especially when that picture would be published in a catalog, the newspaper, or on the Internet. Most women are nervous about showing their underwear even to other women, who are the intended audience of these photographs. But these pictures are also available for men, like myself, to ogle and even masturbate to. So how can this beautiful woman in the picture willingly take off her clothes and be photographed in her underwear, knowing that her image will be published?

Now, I do acknowledge the fact that there are women out who have no shame at all. I'm talking about the women who pose nude for whatever pornographic business they've been hired by. Some of these women would have no problem walking down the street naked; the only thing that keeps them from doing so is jail time for a charge of indecent exposure. However, even many porn models would only feel comfortable posing nude while in the confines of a studio. (I do not know this from experience; I am only assuming at this point, but I think it is a safe assumption.)

But most lingerie models would not even dream of posing nude; underwear is their limit. Besides, modeling lingerie is at least a legitimate business, unlike pornography. But still, isn't she the least bit nervous about being photographed in her underwear? (Okay, I know that the underwear a lingerie model is shown wearing is not actually her underwear; it is, rather, the studio's. However, it is just easier to say her or their underwear. That being said, the item(s) she is wearing are meant to be representative of what she or other women can wear on any given day.)

Again, I am assuming that most women who model lingerie are more or less normal, and therefore would not walk down the street in just a bra and panties. Doing so would be too embarrassing. But then why does she pose in a bra and panties, knowing that the photographs to be taken will be published across the world?

That is the part that is bewildering to me. I know that if I approached a lingerie model in say a mall, and asked her to unbutton her blouse, she would probably decline and might even call security, right after smacking me across the face. Yet there she is in a catalog or on an Internet website, proudly showing me and every other guy in the world her lacy bra. I cannot fathom an explanation for it, which makes it fascinating to me.

So there are three reasons why I enjoy looking at lingerie pictures:

1. Lingerie is the icing on the cake, so to speak, and adds to the beauty of the woman wearing it.
2. When I look at a woman in lingerie, I often fantasize about her as my wife, showing me what only I am allowed to see. She reveals the most intimate parts of herself to me as the person who is most intimate with her.
3. I find it fascinating that the woman in the picture would most likely not be caught dead in nothing but her underwear when out in public, but she is willingly photographed and published wearing just her underwear.

There may be other reasons for it, but those are the ones that are most obvious to me.

But I hate myself for constantly looking at and masturbating to these pictures. The fact is, I am using these pictures as pornography, and I believe pornography to be inherently wrong.

I am a devout Christian. My parents raised me in a Christian home and took me to church every Sabbath. When I was ten years old, I accepted Christ as my Lord and Savior, and was baptized. Today, I go to church every Sabbath. I am an ordained Deacon in my church. God has blessed me with a beautiful singing voice, and I sing for Him in church whenever I get the chance.

I grew up with an innate sense of what was right and what was wrong. Among knowing what was wrong, I knew that it was wrong to steal a look at what a woman was wearing underneath her clothes. Therefore, I also knew that looking at a woman in a catalog, wearing what should be hidden beneath her clothes, is also wrong.

Am I a terrible person for indulging in such a pastime? I certainly feel like one. I know that it is a sinful thing to do. After all, every lingerie model is also a child of God, whether she realizes it or not. I do believe that it is sinful for me to take liberties like this with women that the Lord has not entrusted to me with the bond of marriage.

Furthermore, many of these women are married. Not only am I lusting after a woman who is not my own, but she actually belongs to another man, which makes me an adulterer. Of course, I would never try to start an affair with another man's wife, but that doesn't really matter. Christ said that adultery begins in the heart.

(If I may digress, I have no idea how a husband can feel comfortable with his wife posing in lingerie for publication. He has to know that many other men will be ogling and even masturbating to his wife when the images are published. On the other hand, He gets so much more than just a picture. He's actually married to a lingerie model! It's every guy's dream come true!)

At the time I am writing this I am 38 years old, and still single. I've had a few love interests in the past, but so far I have not really had a true girlfriend. And being the traditional type, I've never had sex with any girl. I desperately want to get married and share my life with the woman God has chosen for me. But I wonder, is my sin of pornography keeping me from meeting my soulmate?

Maybe, maybe not. I've asked the Lord about it in the past, but I haven't gotten an answer on that, or at least I wasn't listening when He did answer me; I don't know. But more importantly, suppose I do get married; would I be able to stop my porn habit then?

It's certainly possible. Many men have done the same thing, paging through a Victoria's Secret catalog or a Playboy every week while single, and then leaving it behind as his girlfriend/fiancé/wife becomes more important.

I hope I can do the same thing when I finally meet my wife. It would be heinously disrespectful to continue in pornography when I am married. I do not want the image of a lingerie model flashing through my mind when I am proposing to my girlfriend, or saying "I do" at my wedding, or making love to my wife, or even when I'm having an argument with her. When I finally get married, my wife is the only woman whom I want to see wearing lingerie or nothing at all.

But in the meantime, here I am, single and lonely, without even the prospect of a girlfriend. Oftentimes, the only way I can escape the loneliness is to get onto a website that features lingerie models and start fantasizing.

Heavenly Father, please forgive me for this sin. Please take the desire for this sin away from me. Fill me with Your Holy Spirit, and let the righteousness of Christ shine from within me. Push this sin out of my life and fill me with Your holiness. Help me to be the Christian man I need to be, for You and for my wife to be. Please be with the woman You have chosen for me and bring us together very soon. Please help me to be a husband to my wife for the entire time we are married, and help me to never look at another lingerie or pornographic picture ever again. In Jesus' name I pray, amen.

[Dave_UK]

...At the time I am writing this I am 38 years old, and still single. I've had a few love interests in the past, but so far I have not really had a true girlfriend. And being the traditional type, I've never had sex with any girl. I desperately want to get married and share my life with the woman God has chosen for me. But I wonder, is my sin of pornography keeping me from meeting my soulmate?

Maybe, maybe not. I've asked the Lord about it in the past, but I haven't gotten an answer on that, or at least I wasn't listening when He did answer me; I don't know. But more importantly, suppose I do get married; would I be able to stop my porn habit then?

It's certainly possible. Many men have done the same thing, paging through a Victoria's Secret catalog or a Playboy every week while single, and then leaving it behind as his girlfriend/fiancé/wife becomes more important.

I hope I can do the same thing when I finally meet my wife. It would be heinously disrespectful to continue in pornography when I am married. I do not want the image of a lingerie model flashing through my mind when I am proposing to my girlfriend, or saying "I do" at my wedding, or making love to my wife, or even when I'm having an argument with her. When I finally get married, my wife is the only woman whom I want to see wearing lingerie or nothing at all.

But in the meantime, here I am, single and lonely, without even the prospect of a girlfriend. Oftentimes, the only way I can escape the loneliness is to get onto a website that features lingerie models and start fantasizing.

Heavenly Father, please forgive me for this sin. Please take the desire for this sin away from me. Fill me with Your Holy Spirit, and let the righteousness of Christ shine from within me. Push this sin out of my life and fill me with Your holiness. Help me to be the Christian man I need to be, for You and for my wife to be. Please be with the woman You have chosen for me and bring us together very soon. Please help me to be a husband to my wife for the entire time we are married, and help me to never look at another lingerie or pornographic picture ever again. In Jesus' name I pray, amen.

Hi brother!  A hearty "Amen" to your prayer.

   The Lord certainly put strong instincts into the sentient life He created, to "go forth and multiply".  The process of being "fruitful" (in seeking to produce offspring) is a most pleasurable experience.  The urge does not wane for us as one gets older, hence the saying "There may be snow on the roof, but there is still fire on the hearth".  The "forces of darkness" were very quick to encourage Man in his self-pleasing "Adamic-nature" to seek corrupted/perverted ways to prolong/expand his pleasure-seeking with little thought for others, aiming to spoil the Lord's plan for us.  So while "in the body" - we will always be subject to attacks that aim to lead us off the proper course - "strivings without and strivings within!".

   I can understand and empathize with your problem - having had struggles myself.  The basic problem seems to be with chaps like us indulging in "wicked imaginings".  I know a few Christians claim to have reached a state of "peace", in which the conflicts between "the flesh and the Spirit" no longer trouble them.  IMO they must be very pure and holy (* - see my footnote!) - not exposing themselves to any temptation - something that is very difficult in today's world.  From my viewpoint of an "oldie" (almost 82) - I would counsel you to "fast" for a relatively short while (perhaps a couple of weeks?) abstaining from anything that is likely to arouse wrong thoughts - whether it be a paper, catalogue, magazine,TV program or film.  Also to memorize and repeat to yourself (sotto voce perhaps - they say it actually helps speaking the Scriptures rather than just thinking them!) verses of key Scriptures that will help you re-focus your mind onto what is the right path.   You may find it helpful to get involved in some activity or sport that absorbs your interest, as you seek to do well in it (e.g. swimming perhaps - studying/practicing how to improve your technique for several strokes?).  However don't forget to keep the Lord foremost in your mind, whatever you do!  We know the old saying "The Devil makes work for idle hands" - but don't let your idle naturally-carnal mind go the same way - keep it busy with decent thoughts, as Paul tells us in Phil 4:8 "And now my friends, all that is true, all that is noble, all that is just and pure, all that is lovable and gracious, whatever is excellent and admirable - fill all your thoughts with these things."!

I've copied the post immediately below, from the forum's "general discussion" topic" MAGAZINE BE CAREFUL PLEASE !Started by grams" because it seems particularly relevant!

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"Oh come off-it chaps!!!  You know what is likely to happen if you allow yourself to be exposed to stuff that's not gonna do your spirit much good!  Where's your "eye-gate" censor and all those memorized scriptures that you know will help you?   If that is - you are willing to be turned away from the stuff (avert the gaze), and haven't already spent too much time "just looking"!

How about what Paul tells us?  E.g. in 1 Thess 4:2-8  (We may not indulge in an actual sinful act, but we are told that thinking about it, is just as bad!)

"For you know what orders we gave you, in the name of the Lord Jesus.  This is the will of God, that you should be holy: you must abstain from fornication; each one of you must learn to gain mastery over his body, to hallow and honour it,  not  giving way to lust like the pagans who are ignorant of God; and no man must do his brother wrong in this matter, or invade his rights,  because, as we told you before with all emphasis, the Lord punishes all such offences. For God called us to holiness, not to impurity.  Anyone therefore who flouts these rules is flouting, not man, but God who bestows upon you His Holy Spirit."

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If you sincerely "apply" the Scriptures and avoid temptations - then I think you will reach a measure of "peace"!  You may not last "the short course" - you might get temporarily "swept away" - overpowered by your emotions - but you know what we have to do when we return to our senses - quickly turn to the Lord and confess our failure in true repentance and wanting to do better.   If you hear "the still small voice" of the Spirit's leading you may hear a gracious/merciful response - maybe like "I have already borne your guilt and shame - now get up, and go forwards into life!".  If You do not currently hear the Lord speaking to you by His Spirit - then much seeking after Him will be needed "Those that would come to God must believe that He exists and is a rewarder of those who seek His face."!  After any temporary failure - return to another "short period" fast from "risky" external stuff - with the Lord helping you, the time between failures will become longer.  He wants you to experience liberty from those carnal desires, that we all have from time to time!

It seems to me that there are certain immutable laws that the Lord has written into the operation of His universe - like "Every act has a consequence - there is a 'cost to everything" etc ,and in our folly we temporarily ignore them, thinking we will get away with our transgressions - like a dog allowed off a lead to please itself for a while!  This is the basic problem with humanity - we want to please ourselves (an inherited trait from Adam!). Yet as Paul wisely writes in his epistles "Do you not know that your body is the temple of the indwelling Spirit, and the Spirit is God's gift to you. You do not belong to yourselves, but were bought at a price, therefore honour God in your Body."

IMO there is a very precious point here, that many of us Christians do not "take-on-board", and which can make a fundamental difference to our attitude regarding how we live.  You know already I expect that In Jesus "Last Supper" speech in John's Gospel - Jesus states "I in you and you in Me", also in Cor 1:30 Paul writes "You are in Christ by God's act, for God has made Him our wisdom; He is our righteousness; in Him we are consecrated and set free."  Once we have been baptized in a believer's baptism (not just a baby's "sprinkling" to welcome the baby into the body of Christ!)  - it should be "Farewell to my old individualistic life - and Hello to the life that Jesus and I together live in my body from now on!"  Lets not ignore His presence within us!  So that with Paul we can hopefully say "It is no longer I who live - but Christ who lives within me."  This ties up with the idea above, that we should not consider ourselves as "free agents" to do just as we please!!!  The Lord has given us His Holy Spirit - the "Paraclete", to come alongside us - to be our Great Friend and Counsellor.

In one of my favourite much re-read books - Watchman Nee's classic "The Normal Christian Life" (which he reckons few of us actually follow!) he devotes the end chapters to what this means for us - what changes may be necessary.  He makes the point that it is not so much any "good works" we may feel we are lead to undertake (and we need to be wary of the "source" - is it just because we think we have some talent, or are we sure that it is of the Lord) - but instead, apparently "wasting" ourselves on the Lord  (like the lady breaking open the very costly jar of perfume - much to the disciples annoyance at the "supposed" waste) and annointing Jesus before His Passion for us).  Remember Jesus praised her appreciation of Him, saying it would be her "memorial" wherever the Gospel is proclaimed.  Let's just  praise/adore Him in gratitude for what He has done for us - be sensitive to what He tells us, and obey His leading!

   Unlike you - I was far from the Lord until He "touched" my life when 40 and drew me to Himself.  I attended our local church with my wife (a believer) to "keep her company"!  As a result of my wife's then bad health (chronic fatigue syndrome thought to be caused by a "spastic" colon) - seeking a solution - gradually the Lord drew me closer to Himself over a period of months.  Until on one memorable night after a Ventnor church healing service, at which I had gone forward to the altar rail, to ask the Lord to heal my wife, - I added the request "and I want to know you more Lord!". He answered my little prayer that very night - no sleep! - I could have leapt out of bed and danced with joy ( I laughingly describe it as the Lord playing a "xylophone up/down my vertebrae" together with a "vision" of what "could be" for me as part of the body of Christ!!! In the morning with my small daughter, we joyfully skipped down the village road, to an old local place of interest (Appuldurcombe House in the I.O.W.). Later I climbed the high down above Wroxall village "communing with the Lord" and laying my life down before Him.  I told my wife "I'll not worry again!" (except the "world" and it's "worries" did "get" at me some weeks later),  I now know, beyond any shadow of doubt, that I belong to Him.

From my mid-teens, until I got married at 34 , I would routinely "pleasure myself" (the "m" word!).  After some 20 years of marriage, the price of my earlier transgressions became apparent - slow urination problems.  At age 55,  after a couple of unsuccessful minor ops to supposedly help overcome the problem, I was recommended to have a prostate "resection" (the "TURPS" op) due to gross swelling "down in that department".  The op was not a success at all - the good news was that the tissue removed was not cancerous - the bad news was that it made me impotent (the "kit"s all there but it doesn't work properly - E.D problems and - no medication help possible for me, due to other problems, very weak eyes (possible retinal damage, with increased blood pressure) and medication for angina then post heart surgery- 5 CABG's done).  So I'm only "half" the man I once was - with major changes to marital relations - my wife is loyal and faithful which helps enormously.  Because I am a dreadful snorer (apnoea - my wife told me I frequently stop breathing for a few secs and then resume with a disturbing snort each time!) - we sleep in different rooms/floor levels of our town house! In any case my wife has terrible "prolapsed bowel/bleeding haemorrhoid" problems (due to a difficult delivery of our daughter almost 50 years ago). She has had ops to try and cure the problem, but no success despite a section of her bowel being cut away. She has the dreadful daily job of using her hands to push the prolapse back inside herself, after every bowel motion (made messy by the fact she has to use "Fybogel" and "Lactulose" a lot to help prevent straining). As you can imagine she has no interest now in the more intimate side of marriage.   Hence my occasional "wicked imaginings!" over what I think I'm missing. (There's the evidence of the "self-pleasing" life again - whenever the words "I"and "me" etc, pop-up!)  As it says in Proverbs "Lust indulged sickens a man, and fools are loath to mend their ways." - what fools some of us are!

The Lord has better plans for us - a glorious destiny with Him.  Remember what Jesus says In John chapters 14 and 15  : -
I am the vine and you the branches.  He who dwells in me, as I dwell in him, bears much fruit; for apart from Me you can do nothing." So a moment-to-moment personal relationship with the Lord is essential.

Many of us look at Paul's verses listing the Fruit of the Spirit - which we read and probably memorize - but what about the verse which follows??? "And those who belong to Christ have crucified the lower nature with it's passions and desires.".  Another interesting passage occurs in Acts, where Paul speaking to the Athenian "intelligentsia" about their altar to an "Unknown God" says of the Lord "...in Him, we live and move, and have our being." - another emphasis on the fact that we ought not to please ourselves how we live - the Lord has "ownership rights" over us - we have been bought by Him, the cost to Him was rejection, suffering and bodily death.  Thanks be to God that Jesus completed successfully the mission which the Father sent Him on - in becoming our great sin-offering and High Priest!

My Bible quotes come from my old NEB version and may differ to some extent from the version you use.  There are other passages which from memory, I quote to myself from time to time, which I find personally helpful (like Romans 6:1-23, verse 12 referring to "the bodies desires" is particularly relevant.)    You will of course, have your own "favourites"!  BTW do keep up a daily habit of reading the Word - I generally read a few chapters from the OT, Psalms, Proverbs, Ecclesiastes, prophets etc - then switch to the NT and do the same sort of thing with the Gospels, and Epistles.  So you might say I get a "multi-course meal".  I usually spend about 45-50 minutes daily in this activity - it is good for the soul! When I get to the end of a section I turn back to it's start and go through it again (and again, and again, etc ! ).  I have never felt "comfortable" with "The Song Of Songs", and seldom plough through Ezra (who pulls out his own hair in despair!), Nehemiah (who pulls out other's hair - coercion!), and Revelation, so these aren't "visited" very often by me!

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*  Re holiness and purity!  When we read the OT, it is plain that men acceptable to the priesthood had to be of the tribe of Levites, within a certain age band and also "potent" males.  Those with defects were not acceptable - and it seems the Lord considers that a man's capability to be "fruitful" (In the sense of being able to father offspring) is of importance to Him. It is interesting to me that on the topic of "celibacy" Paul states that he has no instruction from the Lord, but gives his opinion.  In his epistles he denounces indecency of any kind - so we know that the Lord has high standards.  In one place he gives a list of unacceptable behaviours - but then goes on to write that "- such some of you were."  So under the covering of Christ's Precious Blood - we past transgressors may have hope!!!

I think what is written in 1 Samuel 21:1-6,  is quite interesting - as if normal marital relations make us "unholy" or "distracted" (or "unclean" in the Biblical sense usually applied to women in menstruation!?).  More likely is the fact that prolonged sexual activity saps a man's strength (the same reason that professional boxers are not normally permitted to have their partners with them in the training-camp, while undergoing strenuous preparatory training for a big bout!)

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An honest confession!!!

  Am currently "emerging" from a short period (lasting a couple of hours during the night) of "failure"  - despite knowing Scriptures such as those included here in this post, and not exposing myself to dubious external stuff.  The problem with me - is wrong internal thoughts - wicked imaginings, concocting mental "scenarios" or fabricated "dreams" in which I can alter the flow of action - (perhaps I should have been a writer) - and in which, some younger more virile "alter-ego" plays a key role - looking for a release of sexual tension. Yet in these "scenarios", a more sensible part of my mind - my hitherto ignored conscience - makes itself heard after the "release" brought about at the end of the transgression - saying to me  "I certainly wouldn't want to live like that. That's not the way to behave!".  In the circumstances, I do not think this is the voice of the "Accuser of the Brethren".  However, it seems that if one is set on starting some self-pleasing activity - then there ain't much that's gonna be allowed to get in the way till it's completed. Jesus and one's own conscience get "parked" for a while - until I come crawling back, ashamed and deeply repentant! Then I find He loves me just the same, "soiled" as I am! (as He described Himself to Moses - "A God compassionate and gracious, long-suffering and ever constant".) He is not surprised by my behaviour, because He knows me through and through, and there's nothing that can be hidden from Him.  Yet, He is so merciful and gracious, and does not want any of us to be "lost"!

There is a very important scripture passage in  1 Cor 6:16-19 (it's just prior to the section that tells us that our body is a temple of the indwelling Spirit) which deals a blow to those (like myself) who think that it's only in imagination - it's not actual reality.  So at the risk of straining your patience, I'll quote it here! : "You surely know that anyone who links himself with a harlot becomes physically one with her (for Scripture says 'The pair shall become one flesh'), but he who links himself with Christ is one with Him, spiritually. Shun fornication. Every other sin that a man can commit is outside the body; but the fornicator sins against his own body.". Where can I flee from the retribution that I so richly deserve - I look to Jesus, my only hope!

   The basic problem with any self-pleasing activity is that it ignores the fact that "No man is an island".  "Self" is placed on a pedestal - temporarily forgetting the rest of humanity, and what effects that self-absorption may have on others (a ripple effect!).  The cure for it is obvious!


God be with you - and through the leading of His Holy Spirit, guide you onto the King's Highway!!! 

[Dave_UK]

I have extracted from the above post, the scriptures which I have personally found helpful in remembering how I should live - or rather "how I and Christ together" may follow the path along which He leads me. He is my boss, and is sure to correct me by His Holy Spirit!  You may of course have your own favourites! I have collected these Scriptures together, so I can print them out and place them at the front of my Bible - lest I forget!!!  The passages are already high-lighted where they occur in my Bible's text - but it is nice to have my favourites gathered together, for quick reference.


Phil 4:8 - "And now my friends, all that is true, all that is noble, all that is just and pure, all that is lovable and gracious, whatever is excellent and admirable - fill all your thoughts with these things."!


1 Thess 4:2-8 - "For you know what orders we gave you, in the name of the Lord Jesus.  This is the will of God, that you should be holy: you must abstain from fornication; each one of you must learn to gain mastery over his body, to hallow and honour it,  not  giving way to lust like the pagans who are ignorant of God; and no man must do his brother wrong in this matter, or invade his rights,  because, as we told you before with all emphasis, the Lord punishes all such offences. For God called us to holiness, not to impurity.  Anyone therefore who flouts these rules is flouting, not man, but God who bestows upon you His Holy Spirit."

Heb 11:6(b) - "Those that would come to God must believe that He exists and is a rewarder of those who seek His face."

1 Cor 6:19-20 - "Do you not know that your body is the temple of the indwelling Spirit, and the Spirit is God's gift to you. You do not belong to yourselves, but were bought at a price, therefore honour God in your Body."

John 14:20 - "I in you and you in Me" (Jesus statement during the Last Supper in John's Gospel)

Cor 1:30 - "You are in Christ by God's act, for God has made Him our wisdom; He is our righteousness; in Him we are consecrated and set free."

Gal  2:20-21 - "I have been crucified with Christ: the life I now live is not my life, but the life which Christ lives in me; and my present bodily life is lived by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself up for me"

Prov 13:19 - "Lust indulged sickens a man, and fools are loath to mend their ways."

John 15:5-6 - "I am the vine and you the branches.  He who dwells in me, as I dwell in him, bears much fruit; for apart from Me you can do nothing."

Gal 5:24 - "And those who belong to Christ have crucified the lower nature with it's passions and desires."

Acts 17:28"...in Him, we live and move, and have our being."

There are other passages that I did not quote in the previous post - but are particularly relevant/helpful IMO .  In fact the whole of Paul's epistle to the Romans is an "eye-opener" to those of us wishing to follow Christ.   Much is grounded upon the statement that we (including our ancestors) have in effect (see Paul's description in Hebrews about the meaning of that little word "in", see the section about Melchizedec!), been crucified with Christ - He took us "in Him" to the Cross ("I in you and you in me" as Jesus said in John's Gospel at the Last Supper) to kill, in God's eyes, our inherited Adamic sin-nature.  His Precious Blood (as our great sin-offering) has cleansed us from our sins and our sin-nature has been dealt with by the Cross - God has done it all!!! We just need to submit/follow the leading of His Spirit : -


Rom 6:12-14 - "So sin must no longer reign in your mortal body, exacting obedience to the body's desires. You must no longer put it's several parts at sin's disposal, as implements for doing wrong. No: put yourselves at the disposal of God, as dead men raised to life; present your bodies to Him as implements for doing right; for sin shall no longer be your master, because you are no longer under law, but under the grace of God"


How is it, I could ever (even temporarily) give way to temptation and "park" Jesus and my conscience for a while - and then inevitably, come back to my senses thoroughly mortified!?

[Dave_UK]

Think I'm coming to the end of my little attempts of encouragement for the O.P. ("Singing For The Lord")!

I know some addicts to wrong things, report that they have been miraculously freed from their addictions - (Those that claim that the age of miracles finished with the disciples of Jesus are totally wrong because, consider what Jesus said in John 5:17 "My Father has never yet ceased His work, and I am working too." (this raises the question of the Father's "rest" after the period of Creation in Genesis!)

But for bods like the O.P. and myself, I think the "solution" is to "starve" ourselves  (i.e. "fast") for a sensible period, of all that could encourage/lead us into wrong thoughts.  If we succeed without a "spiritual tumble" in that short period - then gradually extend the length of those periods.  (At the time of writing this, am on a "Lenten" fast from our daily paper (the "Mail" - Uhuh, that "pigeon-holes" us!) - which sometimes contains articles/pictures that can engender wrong thoughts!  It was hard to begin with, but after my wife has read the paper and done the brain teaser portions - I "ditch it" out in the "recyclable" container - no qualms about it now, and more "peace of mind" over current national/global problems over which am helpless as a "bystander" anyway.  However, that doesn't mean humanity's basic problems don't figure in prayers.)


You know how the Spirit can often "highlight" to us, portions of Scripture that we encounter during our regular reading of The Word.  Last night my attention was drawn to Prov 26:11 "Like a dog returning to it's own vomit is a stupid man who repeats his folly"  (If you have/had a dog, you know that's what dogs sometimes do if they "bolt" their food too fast).  Also further on I read the verses (which I had read many times before, but without "taking in" their import in my own situation) 1 Cor 7:5 "Do not deny yourselves to one another ... otherwise for lack of control, you may be tempted by Satan."  After more than 25 years of lack of mutual marital intimacy - due to physical circumstances - it's probably of little surprise that "spiritual tumbles" occur from, time to time.  Followed by mortified confession and "re-instatement in fellowship" by the Lord's grace and wonderful mercy!