Do I break my wife's heart or my dad's heart?

[Texas Conservative]

Sorry but his father does not come first. His wife and children do. His father has a wife and friends and is being looked after.

They have asked them if they want to move with them and they have said no. if his wife dies first they will move his dad to be with them.

MY husband move the other wide of the world for his wife, and left his wider family in OZ.

I would never ever expect my children to be my life and make them feel so guilty for wanting to move away. We must have our own lives and friends and not expect them to ever move away from us.

Where is your scripture?

RB provided some.

[chosenone]

His wife has a daughter who lives about 10 minutes away and she loves my dad.  She doesn't like her mom(dad's wife) so she doesn't come to visit much, but she is a good person and comes through if they need her help.  I'm an only child, so there's nobody to help or visit dad on my side of the family except me.  Dad and his wife are fairly involved in their church and go to monthly home fellowship meetings, where they have a circle of friends, they also attend regular church on Sunday's.

If we move out to Charlotte and I retire as planned, I will fly back and visit him many times a year.  I might end up spending more time with him this way since I will be staying for a week at a time.

I don't think you have any reason to feel guilty about leaving him in the situation he is in. He is cared for, has a wife, has a good church, a step daughter who will help if they need it. Not sure why he needs to rely on you so much for company when he clearly isn't lacking in company. 
I am sure that flying back 2-4 times a year will be enough.

[chosenone]

Where is your scripture?

RB provided some.

There is no scripture that says we must put our parent before our spouse,  Nor allow ourselves to be guilt tripped into making a decision that we don't want to and that isnt good for our own spouse and children.

[mommydi]

There is no scripture that says we must put our parent before our spouse,  Nor allow ourselves to be guilt tripped into making a decision that we don't want to and that isnt good for our own spouse and children.

Well, kudos to the son-in-law. Rare is the son-in-law who gets monthly stay-over visits from his mother-in-law and begs for more. I'm serious.

[RB]

He was not much of a father to me.

Children are to obey their parents, and God does not give them an "right"  to determine IF they deserve our obedience. There are no perfect parents, and certainly no perfect children. There's no perfect husband, yet a wife owes him reverence, just as the church does Christ. So flush that excuse. 

What about this idea: My wife flys out to Charlotte every month or so and spends more time with our daughter now than she did when she was in San Diego.  Don't you think it would be OK if I did the same thing in reverse?  Fly back here many times a year and spend a week with him?  If I move to Charlotte, I can afford to retire comfortably and will have the time and money to do just that.

He currently lives about an hour and a half from me and I see him every 4 to 6 weeks.  If I live in Charlotte and fly back often, I think he would get more of my time.

It's your life, and ultimately your decision~but, grandchildren will soon be gone living their own lives and also your own children~and it will be you and your wife, loving and serving each other's needs. 

[MeMyself]

No, that is not cleaving, it is kowtowing regardless of how he feels about the move. He did his "cleaving" decades ago.

Really?  Its kowtowing to consider his wife's feelings and move to where the family they made is now thriving?

If the man was alone, I agree, the move would be impossible until he went to be with the Lord. His father isn't alone though.

[MeMyself]

Children are to obey their parents, and God does not give them an "right"  to determine IF they deserve our obedience. There are no perfect parents, and certainly no perfect children. There's no perfect husband, yet a wife owes him reverence, just as the church does Christ. So flush that excuse.  It's your life, and ultimately your decision~but, grandchildren will soon be gone living their own lives and also your own children~and it will be you and your wife, loving and serving each other's needs.

An adult is no longer a child nor are they under the obligatory "obey" call.

A son that never gets to be an adult until his parents are dead can't lead the family like God designed, because he is constantly stuck in the mode of childhood where he has to obey and get his parents permission.

[chosenone]

He has a wife, she has a daughter that loves him, they are active in their church, and you see him every 4-6 weeks.

His life sounds full, and that he has many who support him, and you are committed to doing so as well, and if you move, it will not cut into the time you are already spending with him...

and you can bless your wife, strengthen your marriage, bless your children and grandchildren by being closer and able to invest in them more if you move.

Nothing changes for him if you move, everything changes for the family you've made if you do.

Call him once a week, skype with him midweek, keep your visit schedule to once every six weeks. 

You are not abandoning him.  You are being a good son, who honors his father, but who is also obeying the command of the Lord to leave and cleave to your wife.

Agreed, and Mike, if you only see him every 4-6 weeks now and you are wiling to fly back for a week every 2-3 months say, then he will spend more time with you than he does now. Having to work 3 jobs when you are retirement age isn't easy.

Honestly I hope that I never get to that point of making my own children feel guilty for living their own lives. I never have been like that so hopefully I wont change.

BTW was talking to my husband about this today, he says move. He moved to the UK from his country the other side of the world for his wife and children.
   

[chosenone]

Children are to obey their parents, and God does not give them an "right"  to determine IF they deserve our obedience. There are no perfect parents, and certainly no perfect children. There's no perfect husband, yet a wife owes him reverence, just as the church does Christ. So flush that excuse.  It's your life, and ultimately your decision~but, grandchildren will soon be gone living their own lives and also your own children~and it will be you and your wife, loving and serving each other's needs.

He is not a child, he is a married man with his own children and grandchildren. Leave you father and mother and join to your wife.

[mommydi]

Sorry but his father does not come first. His wife and children do.

His "children" are grown adults with families of their own and it appears they're all doing well and not in drastic need of help with the kids.

Mike says he'd "like to stay" so why doesn't the rest of the family take that into consideration? Why all the drama and threats to leave him behind? Why can't the wife say, "We'll have to work harder at getting with the kids for the next year or two until we are free to leave."

[chosenone]

His "children" are grown adults with families of their own and it appears they're all doing well and not in drastic need of help with the kids.

Mike says he'd "like to stay" so why doesn't the rest of the family take that into consideration? Why all the drama and threats to leave him behind? Why can't the wife say, "We'll have to work harder at getting with the kids for the next year or two until we are free to leave."

He has actually said he would like to go.

[RB]

There is no scripture that says we must put our parent before our spouse,

Judy, you make some of the most off the wall statement that has no biblical support~you should qualify your shooting from the hip statements. My wife owes me honor, BUT that honor is defined by scriptures NOT my wishes and desires! Need proof?

Colosaaians 3:18~"Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord."

Sherry's stepfather is an atheist, what IF I said to her you cannot do this or that for him since he's so against my Christians' faith (and he is)~should she obey me or God? With me, it could be a bias problem with my precious feelings that I think so much of, like we ALL Do. I could keep going, but God has highly exalted our parents as little gods over us, whether or we like it or not and desire our freedom from them, God has not granted that freedom. They spent their lives provided our needs, and the least we can do is the same for them in their old age. My children have been forward...your mother is NOT to be put into a nursing home if something happens to me and she needs help with living. I have provided well for her future needs and I expect she is taken care of with what she will be left with, by her OWN CHILDREN.

[mommydi]

He is wanting to move as well.

Mike said this -

I wish my wife was on board with me staying.  This situation is putting quite a strain on our marriage as she feels that I am putting my dad ahead of the needs of the rest of my family.

She's not on board with his desire to stay and is hinting about leaving him over it.  He feels a certain obligation to stay near his father, but she's not having it.

[mommydi]

Something else I'm not quite getting here. I'm a grandmother with 4 grandchildren. I understand a woman's desire to spend time with her grandchildren. I love my grandkids with all my heart. The thing is, she already goes to visit them every month, but yet feels she must be there at all times even if it causes her husband this worry that's even messing with his health. Why can't she be happy with her monthly visits to the grands until grandpa is gone? Why put pressure on her husband to the point of him becoming physically ill?

[Texas Conservative]

Something else I'm not quite getting here. I'm a grandmother with 4 grandchildren. I understand a woman's desire to spend time with her grandchildren. I love my grandkids with all my heart. The thing is, she already goes to visit them every month, but yet feels she must be there at all times even if it causes her husband this worry that's even messing with his health. Why can't she be happy with her monthly visits to the grands until grandpa is gone? Why put pressure on her husband to the point of him becoming physically ill?

She is being a bad wife.  She is to submit to her husband, not her kids, or herself.

Chosenone cannot deny that scripture.

[MeMyself]

Mike, if you are still checking in and posting here, I am wondering what do your kids say?  I'm just curious, because maybe they'd like a little space to create their own bond and do things their own way...

We know your wife's desire is to be with them, and your desire is to be close to your dad...and I gave advice based on the information you gave us regarding that.

Forgive me if you've already mentioned what the kids are thinking...that might change my thoughts a bit though.

[Mike350]

Sorry but his father does not come first. His wife and children do. His father has a wife and friends and is being looked after.

They have asked them if they want to move with them and they have said no. if his wife dies first they will move his dad to be with them.

MY husband move the other wide of the world for his wife, and left his wider family in OZ.

I would never ever expect my children to be my life and make them feel so guilty for wanting to move away. We must have our own lives and friends and not expect them to ever move away from us.

Thank you, chosenone!  My thoughts exactly.

[chosenone]

She is being a bad wife.  She is to submit to her husband, not her kids, or herself.

Chosenone cannot deny that scripture.

He has made it clear that he wants to move as well. Having to work 3 jobs and seeing your child and grandchildren only once a year is awful. Its only the guilt that his dad is putting on him that is making it hard. He has asked them to move as well but they refuse. That's their choice in the end but no parent should expect their adult child to never move away from them.

[chosenone]

Mike said this -

She's not on board with his desire to stay and is hinting about leaving him over it.  He feels a certain obligation to stay near his father, but she's not having it.

Mike has said in many posts that he is keen to go.

[Mike350]

Mike says he'd "like to stay" so why doesn't the rest of the family take that into consideration? Why all the drama and threats to leave him behind? Why can't the wife say, "We'll have to work harder at getting with the kids for the next year or two until we are free to leave."

Oh no, not at all; I want to go to South Carolina with all my heart.  I feel like God is allowing me to be miserable here because He is preparing the way for me to move.  I think it's the Lord's will for me to go, but I'm worrying about hurting my dad, that's the only thing keeping me here.  I absolutely hate Southern California, don't like my job much here either.

[Mike350]

We know your wife's desire is to be with them, and your desire is to be close to your dad...and I gave advice based on the information you gave us regarding that.

Forgive me if you've already mentioned what the kids are thinking...that might change my thoughts a bit though.

MeMyself you are so kind and I appreciate your input.  I think I have given you the wrong indication, however.  I hate it here, I'm miserable to the point of depression, trusting my Lord and coping, but I'm getting the feeling I'm supposed to go.

[chosenone]

Judy, you make some of the most off the wall statement that has no biblical support~you should qualify your shooting from the hip statements. My wife owes me honor, BUT that honor is defined by scriptures NOT my wishes and desires! Need proof? Sherry's stepfather is an atheist, what IF I said to her you cannot do this or that for him since he's so against my Christians' faith (and he is)~should she obey me or God? With me, it could be a bias problem with my precious feelings that I think so much of, like we ALL Do. I could keep going, but God has highly exalted our parents as little gods over us, whether or we like it or not and desire our freedom from them, God has not granted that freedom. They spent their lives provided our needs, and the least we can do is the same for them in their old age. My children have been forward...your mother is NOT to be put into a nursing home if something happens to me and she needs help with living. I have provided well for her future needs and I expect she is taken care of with what she will be left with, by her OWN CHILDREN.

He has offered to have them move as well and they have refused. Many elderly parents move to be near or with their children but you cant force them to go. He has made it clear that if his wife dies he will move him to be with them. He has also said that he will be spending MORE time with him if they move away because a)he will be able to retire so will have far more free time, and b) because he will be able to stay with him for a week each time he flies there.
There is no abandonment here. The man has a wife, friends, church, step daughter and all the care he needs.
He is far more fortunate than most elderly people of his age.

How each family deals with these things is their decision. What you do may not be right for everyone.

[Mike350]

Where is your scripture?

RB provided some.

1 Timothy 5:8 seems to imply that your immediate household takes precedence  "But if anyone does not provide for his own family, especially for his own household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever."  Wouldn't this mean my wife and children?  It's certainly not conclusive, but I makes me lean that way.  And, I would still provide for my dad by coming out all of the time and spending more time with him than I do now because I will stay several days.  Right now, I make the drive out there every 4 to 6 weeks and only spend a few hours.  If I fly in to stay, I will spend days several times a year.

[chosenone]

Oh no, not at all; I want to go to South Carolina with all my heart.  I feel like God is allowing me to be miserable here because He is preparing the way for me to move.  I think it's the Lord's will for me to go, but I'm worrying about hurting my dad, that's the only thing keeping me here.  I absolutely hate Southern California, don't like my job much here either.

If its the lords will then He will take care of your dad.

[MeMyself]

MeMyself you are so kind and I appreciate your input.  I think I have given you the wrong indication, however.  I hate it here, I'm miserable to the point of depression, trusting my Lord and coping, but I'm getting the feeling I'm supposed to go.

Then, I do want to apologize for the unkind judgements against your wife made by some on the board.

I agree...I think its time to go.  Your father will be ok...

Just make sure you learn from this overwhelming burden you feel...and do your best to never put your own kids under such feelings of crushing obligation as well; that will make your struggle now worth it...knowing that you are going to offer them freedom where you felt a yoke of slavery. 

God bless you in this...I know it will not be easy to tell him your decision, but as I said earlier, he is not alone. His good wife, who cares well for him and his step daughter are there, their church family too...and you will keep in touch.  He will be ok. You will too!

[chosenone]

1 Timothy 5:8 seems to imply that your immediate household takes precedence  "But if anyone does not provide for his own family, especially for his own household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever."  It's certainly not conclusive, but I makes me lean that way.  And, I would still provide for my dad by coming out all of the time and spending more time with him than I do now because I will stay several days.  Right now, I make the drive out there every 4 to 6 weeks and only spend a few hours.  If I fly in to stay, I will spend days several times a year.

Its not as if you live round the corner now is it, you live a fair drive away as it is. So in that way he cant be that dependant on you for company because you can't spend that much time with him due to your jobs. He has his wife for company, and a step daughter nearby, and friends and church family. Most churches have groups for the older people as well.

My husband's older son lives in OZ. He has no issues at all with that. We are happy for him that he has made a good life out there. Neither of us ever wants to make our children feel guilty or burdened. I have always felt that way. 

[chosenone]

Then, I do want to apologize for the unkind judgements against your wife made by some on the board.

I agree...I think its time to go.  Your father will be ok...

Just make sure you learn from this overwhelming burden you feel...and do your best to never put your own kids under such feelings of crushing obligation as well; that will make your struggle now worth it...knowing that you are going to offer them freedom where you felt a yoke of slavery. 

God bless you in this...I know it will not be easy to tell him your decision, but as I said earlier, he is not alone. His good wife, who cares well for him and his step daughter are there, their church family too...and you will keep in touch.  He will be ok. You will too!

I agree, I have seen so many parents put heavy burdens on their children in all sorts of ways. We don't have children for ourselves, we have them to be their own people, have a spouse, children etc and have their own lives.   For many that will mean moving away, for work, for their spouse, to live in a nicer place, somewhere where the cost of living is less etc.

[Mike350]

Its not as if you live round the corner now is it, you live a fair drive away as it is. So in that way he cant be that dependant on you for company because you can't spend that much time with him due to your jobs. He has his wife for company, and a step daughter nearby, and friends and church family. Most churches have groups for the older people as well.

My husband's older son lives in OZ. He has no issues at all with that. We are happy for him that he has made a good life out there. Neither of us ever wants to make our children feel guilty or burdened. I have always felt that way.

Then, I do want to apologize for the unkind judgements against your wife made by some on the board.

I agree...I think its time to go.  Your father will be ok...

Just make sure you learn from this overwhelming burden you feel...and do your best to never put your own kids under such feelings of crushing obligation as well; that will make your struggle now worth it...knowing that you are going to offer them freedom where you felt a yoke of slavery. 

God bless you in this...I know it will not be easy to tell him your decision, but as I said earlier, he is not alone. His good wife, who cares well for him and his step daughter are there, their church family too...and you will keep in touch.  He will be ok. You will too!

Thank you both for the kind words and the encouragement.  My spirit resonates with this, and I feel a peace about it for the first time in a long time.  You have helped me. 

I am going to move forward with this plan, but I'll keep praying and listening to the Lord, willing to bail out, if He so directs. 

[mommydi]

Mike, there's a question you didn't answer earlier that I'm curious about.

Are there other relatives living near your daughter and her family? Not that they could take your place, but just wondering if the grandkids have another set of grandparents living nearby and seeing them often.

[Texas Conservative]

1 Timothy 5:8 seems to imply that your immediate household takes precedence  "But if anyone does not provide for his own family, especially for his own household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever."  Wouldn't this mean my wife and children?  It's certainly not conclusive, but I makes me lean that way.  And, I would still provide for my dad by coming out all of the time and spending more time with him than I do now because I will stay several days.  Right now, I make the drive out there every 4 to 6 weeks and only spend a few hours.  If I fly in to stay, I will spend days several times a year.

Your children are not your immediate household if they have married and moved on any more than your father is. 

[Texas Conservative]

Then, I do want to apologize for the unkind judgements against your wife made by some on the board.

I agree...I think its time to go.  Your father will be ok...

Just make sure you learn from this overwhelming burden you feel...and do your best to never put your own kids under such feelings of crushing obligation as well; that will make your struggle now worth it...knowing that you are going to offer them freedom where you felt a yoke of slavery. 

God bless you in this...I know it will not be easy to tell him your decision, but as I said earlier, he is not alone. His good wife, who cares well for him and his step daughter are there, their church family too...and you will keep in touch.  He will be ok. You will too!

1.  Don't apologize for others.
2.  Point out which statements are unkind.  If you are going to be judgmental, name names or don't say anything at all.

I submit the following is the reasons why the wife has sinned:  Implication by OP that wife is threatening to leave and not truly respecting her husband.

I really want to move out there to watch my grand children grow up and she does too.  I don't think she would ever really leave me, but she is heartbroken every time we get a video and see how much the kids have grown up without us.

I wish my wife was on board with me staying.  This situation is putting quite a strain on our marriage as she feels that I am putting my dad ahead of the needs of the rest of my family.

[chosenone]

Thank you both for the kind words and the encouragement.  My spirit resonates with this, and I feel a peace about it for the first time in a long time.  You have helped me. 

I am going to move forward with this plan, but I'll keep praying and listening to the Lord, willing to bail out, if He so directs.

Peace from God is a good sign that something is right. Keep close to Him and all will be well.

[Texas Conservative]

Peace from God is a good sign that something is right. Keep close to Him and all will be well.

Peace is not always from God.

Like God's Word says:

"There is a way which seems right to a man,
But its end is the way of death."  - Proverbs 14:12

[Mike350]

Peace is not always from God.

Like God's Word says:

"There is a way which seems right to a man,
But its end is the way of death."  - Proverbs 14:12

Agree, but having walked with the Lord for 45 years, I have learned to tell the difference most of the time.  I could be wrong, I don't think so, but I am still listening for that still small voice to show me what to do.  Believe me, there is serious prayer going up about this, and I refuse to step out of the will of my wonderful Heavenly Father.  If He says to stay, I'm staying put. 

I appreciate your input, even if you are not saying what I want to hear, because you might be the voice of God in this case.  I'm open and I know I will do the right thing because I'm surrendered to His will and listening.  You all have been a tremendous help. 

I will not abandon my dad.  Right now, I only see him every 4 to 6 weeks and then only visit for a few hours.  That's all I'm able to manage in my situation, 3 jobs, living almost 2 hours away.  If we move to Charlotte, I will fly back almost that often and spend several days with him.  After selling my assets in overpriced California, I can retire quite comfortably and have money and time to spend with him.  I will also arrange for all of his, and his wife's emergency needs to be taken care of.  I already call him several times a week and that will not stop.  He often complains that we talk so much we have run out of subjects.  LOL.

Thank you, Texas Conservative and bless you for caring enough to confront.  My family is originally from Dumas.

[chosenone]

Agree, but having walked with the Lord for 45 years, I have learned to tell the difference most of the time.  I could be wrong, I don't think so, but I am still listening for that still small voice to show me what to do.  Believe me, there is serious prayer going up about this, and I refuse to step out of the will of my wonderful Heavenly Father.  If He says to stay, I'm staying put. 

I appreciate your input, even if you are not saying what I want to hear, because you might be the voice of God in this case.  I'm open and I know I will do the right thing because I'm surrendered to His will and listening.  You all have been a tremendous help. 

I will not abandon my dad.  Right now, I only see him every 4 to 6 weeks and then only visit for a few hours.  That's all I'm able to manage in my situation, 3 jobs, living almost 2 hours away.  If we move to Charlotte, I will fly back almost that often and spend several days with him.  After selling my assets in overpriced California, I can retire quite comfortably and have money and time to spend with him.  I will also arrange for all of his, and his wife's emergency needs to be taken care of.  I already call him several times a week and that will not stop.  He often complains that we talk so much we have run out of subjects.  LOL.

Thank you, Texas Conservative and bless you for caring enough to confront.  My family is originally from Dumas.

As you say, when you have followed God for so many years you can recognise when that peace comes from God or not. Its not the same as what many in the world think of as peace, its a deep inner assurance. We moved nearly 2 years ago to another part of the UK, and we looked at many areas before we had peace about where we should go. When we saw our house the same happened. We just knew it was the house God had for us, despite the fact that 2 more families had already made an offer and another was also interested. The assurance and peace was unmistakable. The other couples withdrew and the house was ours.

He will not be suffering by you moving.
God Bless.