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I was married for 16 years to a wonderful woman. Separated for 2 1/2. Divorce filed but not final yet because I just recently gave up on reconciliation. The whole thing was my fault. I know I shouldn't be dating until the ink dries but I've been so lonely that I went crazy the last two weeks. I've gone on 8 dates with 7 different women in the last two weeks. I'm on Zoosk and Craigslist all the time. If I don't have a date for the evening I feel lonely, sad, rejected and inadequate. I suppose its obvious that these are signs that I have a long way to go toward healing. But I've gone so long without a woman in my life that I feel like I can't wait. Lookin for advice on how to relax. Be still and know that I am God... comes to mind, but any practical advice on how to change my perspective?

You need to be sure you are dating and pursuing christian women. Your situation is too prone to issues if you choose a non-christian.

I think you are right that the issues and scars of this all are still with you and will follow you.

In the marriage forum, TJW (i'm stealing this from him) often gives great advise.
http://www.gracecentered.com/christian_forums/christian-marriage-forum/marrage-advise/msg1054627549/#msg1054627549

QuoteThe only (ONLY) method of success is to not NEED your wife.  Love her, cherish her, honor her, but understand, that only God can supply your need.

You need to come to a spot where you can sit at home by yourself for a few days and not be sad, lonely, etc. Some of it will always be there due to what happened, but until you can find happiness in yourself with God, a relationship will end up being unhealthy.

I absolutely do not think this is easy. I would be kidding myself and my own feelings if I were to say that I have struggled with this in my own story before.

You are complete with God. A wife can make that better, BUT is not the source of completeness.

WOW...do I know that feeling only too well.

Cept your case seems to be on steroids.

BUT

You need to stop. Look...I can tell you what you will find out eventually. You would rather have ONE good woman that treats you well and loves you and knows you than twenty lined up and calling that only want tokens of you.

Women in the past have liked me for the mere tokens of me.
My money, my talents as a chef, my talents as a handyman, my talents at fixing automobiles, my knowledge....but they really didn't want me...only my talents or looks.  (I am a blonde...some women seem to have a penchant for blondes)

My wife gets all of those talents, tokens and the rest because she wants me. Not the things that I can do for her...but just me.

So she gets the rest of those things as well.

Gaining an identity from how others see and perceive you is also very destructive as most people are self centered to some degree. So...your ego will deflate as soon as the ego stroke is gone but theirs will suffer no damage at all.

Someone who loves you even when you are dog tired and smelling like a sewer and not good company at all is a big big win....and all that dating isn't winning...it is just dating. 

We do what we desire to do, and so I would not blame shift the cause to loneliness. The cause seems to be the thing that brought about the problem, wasn't it?

Advice? Maybe giving up motorcycles; it's probably as good an excuse as any other, and then you could go about visiting different motorcycle dealers every day.

carwhisperer. I remember the reasons for your marriage break up were you wanting other women and wanting sex with them. I hope that you arent going down that same road again because it will only lead to more misery for you.
My advise is to come off these sites completely till the divorce is complete, give yourself a lot of time to heal(probably another year or so), and if and when you do go onto dating sites again, choose a good Christian site only. Women on secular sites in general wont be Christians, wont have the same moral values or be interested in Jesus.Dont ever go out with a non believing women, its against what God says.
Lonliness is a terrible reason to go out with all these women, because they wont fill that hole. You will need to do it more and more. I am sure it is tempting, but fill your life with others things, hobbies, interests, mens groups, church activities,etc.
Join a divorce recovery workshop. The man who is behind them suggests 2-3 years after a divorce before dating again, because he has seen so many rush into new relationships because of lonliness, and then, disaster, another divorce..
I just hate to see you going down that road again. look what misery and heartache it bought you and your family, and you are at the moment still a married man.

You may not be programmed to just "relax."

Seems to me like it would be better to fill the time with something else.

Carwhisper, if I can offer any advice to you, it would be to first remove your profiles from Zoosk and Craigslist. But more than that, if you are not consistent in your prayer life, do it now!!! And I don't mean just ask God to help you with this or that. But let Him know your issues. Let Him know that you know it's wrong to be dating like that. Let Him know you want help but you don't know how to stop. Let Him know the good bad and the ugly. Ask Him to make a way for you to let this lifestyle go. I believe that He will make your crooked paths straight. But you got to go to Him with an honest heart. Not a pure heart, but an honest one. We all do and think things that are not of God; but you don't have to keep living this life. I have read your posts over some months time and while I'm sorry about your divorce, you should not wallow in pity by taking your loneliness and frustrations out on other people. What I mean by that is, don't share your heart with women who don't know and love you.
And as far as feeling lonely, inadequate, etc, you just might have to feel like that for a while. I'm going to be forward with you: going through a breakup is hard. There are so many feelings you will have. You will experience loneliness as you may never have before. You will get that feeling to have your body next to someone just to avoid that emotion. But I've learned that I had to go through it to become a strong woman. And you will have to go through it to become a strong man. But know this, through those emotions, God is keeping you. How is He keeping you? By not letting you go off the edge. By providing you with a peace of mind. By giving you His word. By giving you Him to cry to, talk to, yell and all of that. By being by yourself physically, God will be with you to show you HOW to be a better man. Therefore, if you DO reconcile with your wife or if you end up in another relationship, you will know what to do so that you will not living in a cycle of adultery.
Your journey at times will not be easy. But every day you live to see another day, you will get the joy of seeing how much stronger you become. You will not be the same man anymore that easily gives in to lusts. You will know how to say no to advances from other woman other than your wife. You will become content knowing the man that God designed you to be. Surround yourself if possible with those who want NOTHING BUT THE BEST FOR YOU. Surround yourself with other Christian men who can help you on your journey. Ask the Lord to put the best people for you in your life. And remember, no matter who comes or who goes, God is your source for everything. You may feel lonely my friend, but you are never ever alone. God bless you. I will pray for you.