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How can a man love a woman that may not only take years to learn to trust again but is so afraid of sex due to the past that it would take a great deal of compassion to even try to understand, much more, along with empathy in some form to help.

My ex will not be brought into this, just my concerns, I am sorry to have made a number of me, me, me posts....

I may someday feel safe enough for physical intimacy but at this point I have NO desire to be touched that way.
I long to be held, but without those expectations, the anticipations that to me provoke severe anxiety and at times, heartache beyond measure.

Men, in my experience don't deal well with emotional people, especially women, especially their partner.

In a way, as much as it hurts, This may be for the better, I lived with a man out of wedlock, and yes we were sexually active.
Maybe this is reproof.
Perhaps this will be one less distraction when it comes to growing close to someone.

All I want to know is, could you love someone like this? if you are married you have already been joined this way and it would be harder to say than if you were courting but I do want to hear what people have to say, and anything for comfort or guidance.

I think that if you are this person, then you need a lot of healing and time before embarking on any new relationship. Spend the time getting closer to God, having some good Christian counselling, and getting some prayer ministry.  I think that you will know if and when you are emotionally healthy enough for a new relationship, but I suspect that it will take some time.
IF you do get to this point, make sure that you only go out with a strong Christian, who doesnt believe in sex before marriage.

The "if" is what hurts and concerns me the most.

what if this relationship with my ex has completely shattered my ability to be all that I could have been?

If you want to read more, here is the first post, along with the second which goes into more detail about what happened between us....

http://www.gracecentered.com/christian_forums/christian-women-forum/trust-in-people-or-the-lack-thereof/msg921093/#msg921093

http://www.gracecentered.com/christian_forums/christian-singles-forum/a-question-for-men/


I feel like "Mr. right" himself would turn away from me now, at times it does feel like this, like he himself would wait on the sidelines knowing that right now, most of all, I need to know that he's strong enough to support me through every storm with more than just pretty words that pacify and that I am still "worthy" of being loved...

Marriage without sex is like unfrozen ice cream...yeah it is sweet but you don't want any more than just a taste....and you certainly wouldn't go to a parlor to get a cup of it.

My wife and I love having physical intimacy. We share everything with each other so much so that sharing our bodies is an "of course...that too"

Sooo....if this idea scares you...pick someone you can share EVERYTHING with or no one at all.


Divorce is a horrible thing. That is why we recommend not "shacking up" with anyone...because it is just like a divorce and makes your heart a little colder and harder with each successive divorce. (less willing to share)

Maybe with a lot of time you will heal from this past relationship. It ain't gonna be anytime soon...even though a part of you wants to replace this relationship that you have lost. If you do get a new relationship soon it will be very unfair to the other person.

This is simple Scripture, integral to getting it right:

Matthew 6 Amplified
33But seek (aim at and strive after) first of all His kingdom and His righteousness (His way of doing and being right), and then all these things taken together will be given you besides.

Getting down to brass tacks and serving God and His Kingdom first and foremost is so fulfilling that that hole in your life will become filled just by the sheer satiety of pleasing God! In no time, your mind will begin to think right, and your desires will become well-balanced and not unattainable, because it will be God giving them to you!

Psalm 37
3 Trust in the Lord and do good.
     Then you will live safely in the land and prosper.
4 Take delight in the Lord,
     and he will give you your heart's desires.

5 Commit everything you do to the Lord.
     Trust him, and he will help you.



Next thing you know, your fondest desire is standing there looking at you and speaking your name.

   

How long is it since the relationship ended?

With respect, it may be better of stick to one thread in one part of the forum, because its gets confusing if you post a similar question in several different places.

If you knew what rape was sir, you'd lose your taste for both.

What's unfair is to say the things which you have with such apathy, so I am being a bad wife if I cannot have sex with the man I love with all me heart and soul??
that is just what you have stated, that I am "falling short".
I do not desire sex, why? I have post traumatic stress disorder which in itself destroys your sex-drive, but after being used sexually and treated as a fill-in for when my ex couldn't get to my replacement when he was "at work" really drove it down deep. Poor him, had to stay home some days and and have sex with the girl just diagnosed with a disease causing chronic pain.
I suspect you're the type who believes my fibromyalgia is a punishment from God for my pre-marital relations?

My ex and I were never married...I know better than to ever live with anyone, or have sex with anyone, out of wedlock again. I don't need to be reminded of this terrible sin.

I came here seeking healing and support, not condemnation, I can find that anywhere else.

It's going on a year and a half I think...though he'd "moved on" before that.

You could try networking with asexual groups.

You won't have to worry about it then and concentrate on letting Jesus heal you.

After I joined a few dating sites I grew weary of the clearly fake members sending message after message of "let me prove I'm the one for you, or I need you to be my wife!" or being asked which country would be better to meet in (before we'd been talking for even a day) I began to think that there was no point. I tried "real christian singles" and the site is not all that active, and only one or two of my messages were ever replied to and then that was it.
See, I live in a retirement community that is just below a high-school age community and at my church, I am the youngest between the seniors, some middle-aged and an 8 year old. Needless to say fellowship is something I seek but I also, in all honesty am hoping to meet people I can form friendships with as well as find the man I am meant to be with, but seeing as how I do, indeed have a lot of room to grow, and need time to heal, now that I'm done being defensive, I'm not too sure that God will bring that into my life.
Yet the more distance and time that grows, the more I grow cynical, distrustful and the more I lose hope for love.
I understand you all meant well, I'm sorry I was such a jerk.

Curious if there is a Christian a-sexual group...


I am sorry (everyone) for getting so fired up, these are painful subjects for me and I lost my cool and I hope that I can get back on track here if I haven't made a mess of things.

I really needed to get that stuff out and was hoping for some healing and guidance, if you want to approach me about it, send me a private message/e-mail
I guess once I started opening up I should have been prepared to go deeper into the topic.

I wouldn't say that I'd want a marriage without physical intimacy, but there are many kinds of intimacy, even physical that isn't sex, that may sound strange, especially to other members of my generation but I love connecting with someone in many ways and I suppose that if we had grown that close in all other areas and had that kind of trust and understanding maybe sex would not seem feel violating and painful.

PP
18 months isnt that long to heal after such a bad and painful relationship. It took me 4 years after the traumatic ending on my 25 year marriage before I felt anything near ready for anyone else. IT was another 2 years after that before I met my second husband. Give it time and use this period to spend more time letting God heal you. God has healed people of terrible things.

Look at Joyce Meyer with her terrible history of repeated rape by her father and other men, and her disastrous and abusive first marriage. She is an inspiration and an example of what God can do. Look at her website which is joycemeyer.org and watch her on godtv. I think she would really help you.

Get Carol Kornacki's 'Soul for Sale', and anointed work of healing and deliverance in a  life ravaged buy sexual and physical abuse, self-mutilation, promiscuity, abortion, drug addiction, alcoholism, prostitution, divorce, witchcraft, the demonic and disease---all in one life that the Lord Jesus Christ completely turned around for His glory!



I have met this very genuine woman of God several times. SHE IS THE REAL DEAL!

Top testimony

Thank you for not condemning me. That's all I know to say right now....

None of us are in any position to condemn you pp, we have all made stupid mistakes in life, and are all weak and fallible. All that matters is that we learn from what has happened, and allow God to draw us closer to  Him through it all.
God Bless

Hi Painted
This is an old topic now...don't know if you even come back here to read it...but I hope you don't feel condemned.
I would say it is fine to go into a marriage without sexual intimacy, as long as you are 100% clear and honest up front about that.  It may be that you find someone who desires physical (non sexual) closeness and real compaionship, but whatever you do, do not try to hide it.  If you do, that would be wrong.

However, being honest, I don't think that would really cure the problem, it would only be a surface 'fix'.  You have obviously been deeply wounded and traumatised by sexual violence and there IS deep healing to be found from that, in Jesus and with the help of a specialised counselor.   Please don't live your life, immersed in this pain - it is possible to be healed from that, to the point where you could have a 'normal' relationship with someone again.  I believe God wants us to live as whole and as free as we can - if we seek Him, we will find Him.   Blessings on you.

Painted - I am so sorry for the pain and violation you suffered.  I guess the only thing I can suggest is that you pray for Mr right, and if you do get involved with someone, let them know what you have endured should he propose to you. ( I would NOT mention it before that) If he really is Mr Right (or willing to become Mr Right) he will have the patience you will need to heal (if indeed you ever do)

I was already 6 weeks married before I found out about DW's years of abuse as a child, the attempted rape when she was in Jr High, etc.  I had to BECOME Mr right and it took years.  34 years married and the restoration is only partial. I can only grieve over the first several years of our marriage where I was way too demanding. I fear I did as much damage there as the abuse and rape did.

There are a few REAL MEN who can love without taking everything for themselves. Keep praying and you will most likely find him.

Thank you Lively for posting a link to the Carol story.  I had not heard of her before and I have just watched this, plus parts 2 and 3 on Youtube.   

I love people who are real and honest, who don't gloss over the dirt of their past, and who remind us that Jesus is an awesome, powerful, miracle worker.

Quote from: PaintedPawprints on Sat Jul 30, 2011 - 18:44:28
How can a man love a woman that may not only take years to learn to trust again but is so afraid of sex due to the past that it would take a great deal of compassion to even try to understand, much more, along with empathy in some form to help.

My ex will not be brought into this, just my concerns, I am sorry to have made a number of me, me, me posts....

I may someday feel safe enough for physical intimacy but at this point I have NO desire to be touched that way.
I long to be held, but without those expectations, the anticipations that to me provoke severe anxiety and at times, heartache beyond measure.

Men, in my experience don't deal well with emotional people, especially women, especially their partner.

In a way, as much as it hurts, This may be for the better, I lived with a man out of wedlock, and yes we were sexually active.
Maybe this is reproof.
Perhaps this will be one less distraction when it comes to growing close to someone.

All I want to know is, could you love someone like this? if you are married you have already been joined this way and it would be harder to say than if you were courting but I do want to hear what people have to say, and anything for comfort or guidance.

Christians are not suppose to be involved in sex relationships unless they are a married couple.  Yes, I believe  a person can be inlove with another person without having sex, but sex is a big part of a marriage relationship.  A woman should not marry if she doesnt want to be intimate with a man.  She needs Christian counceling in that area, and let God help her to heal in her feelings.

Men who are not Christian usally want sex, they dont have to be emotionally, connected to the woman.  I had a man friend  I really cared for, but I want friendship only, so he put me aside for a woman for sex.   His sexual relationships failed he had more than One, and that is what happens people just go from one partner to another most of the time. Imo