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I know I overthink this stuff and I hate it. I am dating a really cute, together girl who really likes me. The relationship has been going on for 5 weeks and we agreed to be exclusive 3 weeks ago. She says stuff like "I'm gonna be sad when you break up with me"or "I'm afraid you'll forget about me when we don't see each other for a few days". In reality I'm scared that she will break up with me but I play the game.

I learned to play this stupid game when I was in my 20's. I dated this really cute cheerleader and later a local beauty queen. Both relationships lasted about 4 months and both broke up with me when I was no longer a challenge. Then I met my wife and made sure she never got the upper hand which carried on in to our marriage and undoubtedly contributed to its failure 16 years later.

So I like this current girl a lot. One night the words "I love you" slipped out and I said "I shouldn't have said that". But in general I'm a little bit aloof and I don't let her know she has my heart. She seems different than the two girls from college but I probably didn't see the tendancy in them at this stage in either of those relationships.

Sometimes we have conversations like "If this lasts where would we live?" That's obviously very serious and probably foolish to talk about. She has two little boys and I have a teenage daughter. We are probably going to meet the kids soon. Any input?

Here is an example. We were texting earlier today and she didn't respond to one of my texts for an hour. So now I'm intentionally not responding to the text she sent me a half hour ago and now she just sent me another one. I feel guilty for doing it but I guess I think you gotta be cruel to be kind. I like her too much to lose this by being letting her know how I really feel. Help!

Leave the kids out of it.

I don't hear anything out of you about her except the psychobabble games the two of you seem to want to play.

No reason to hurt a bunch of innocent children with attachment & loss till you two figure out how to actually have a friendship with someone of the opposite sex that you find physically attractive & don't play games with.

Otherwise what are you teaching your kids?

QuoteIn reality I'm scared that she will break up with me but I play the game.

QuoteBoth relationships lasted about 4 months and both broke up with me when I was no longer a challenge.

QuoteThen I met my wife and made sure she never got the upper hand which carried on in to our marriage and undoubtedly contributed to its failure 16 years later.

QuoteBut in general I'm a little bit aloof and I don't let her know she has my heart.

QuoteI like her too much to lose this by being letting her know how I really feel.

QuoteSo now I'm intentionally not responding to the text she sent me a half hour ago and now she just sent me another one. I feel guilty for doing it but I guess I think you gotta be cruel to be kind.

QuoteI feel much better if she texts me last but I often try to be nice and make sure she gets the last text.

I have kept up with your story. You have an IMPRESSIVE ability to break the ice with women and start a relationship. However, the things I quoted are all huge red flags for me. You really aren't thinking of this right.

I really hope your story works out for happiness, but it doesn't read like you understand the long term and emotional intimacy part of a relationship. I would suggest reading christian books on relationship. "every man's marriage" and "sacred marriage" were good books for me. Find a book that talks about being a man in a relationship.

I think christlike sacrifice, protector, steady rock, shelter, provider. It means giving yourself fully to the relationship. You cannot hold anything back. If you were less aloof or a challenge and the relationship died, it was not meant to be. Seriously, give up the games. Being aloof will NOT turn into a long term relationship strategy just like never letting your ex wife get the upper hand was a silly basis for any relationship. Become a Godly man and husband. You are both too old and have been through too much to play games. Be brutally OPEN and HONEST with her. Tell her the deepest secrets of you heart. If she can't accept that and the TRUE you, then there is no long term hope.

It does sound as if you are both acting a little like teenagers. The main thing is,  is she a godly Christian lady who loves Jesus?

I would delay meeting the childen until this relationship is far stronger and deeper and has been going on for several months. Her children are young and they dont need to meet you until the relationship is more secure.

I have heard of several cases where texting in a relationship has caused problems with misunderstandings and mis typing etc Do you have to text each other? Maybe just stick to phoning or meeting or even emails are probably better than texts.

Unless you both realize that you are playing them, and both of you know all of the rules, don't play games in relationships.  Do you want someone else playing games with you?  Why would you do that to her?

If you like her, treat her like you like her.  If you don't, then don't.  And expect the same from her.

Typical marital argument logic.

Husband: "How could you do that to me? When you act that way, it makes me angry at you, and then I hurt you. I'll never forgive you for making me hurt the woman I love!

Jimmy Soul Lyrics

If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life
Never make a pretty woman your wife
So for my personal point of view
Get an ugly girl to marry you

A pretty woman makes her husband look small
And very often causes his downfall
As soon as he married her and then she starts
To do the things that will break his heart
But if you make an ugly woman your wife
A-you'll be happy for the rest of your life

An ug-a-ly woman cooks meals on time
And she'll always give you peace of mind
If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life
Never make a pretty woman your wife
So for my personal point of view
Get an ugly girl to marry you

Don't let your friends say you have no taste
Go ahead and marry anyway
Though her face is ugly, her eyes don't match
Take it from me, she's a better catch

If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life
Never make a pretty woman your wife
So for my personal point of view
Get an ugly girl to marry you

[Spoken:]
Say man!
Hey baby!
I saw your wife the other day!
Yeah?
Yeah, an' she's ug-leeee!
Yeah, she's ugly, but she sure can cook, baby!
Yeah, alright!
If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life
Never make a pretty woman your wife
So for my personal point of view
Get an ugly girl to marry you

How about just make a GOOD woman your wife?  There are plenty of good women who are also pretty.

 

'A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies'.
Some translations say virtuous wife.

Doesn't seem to mention a 'cute' wife lol

Thank you for all the replies. By no means am I a jerk to her. I sent flowers to her classroom last week (she's a high school math teacher like me). I call her every night at 9p and if I can't I let her know. I write her limericks which she says she really likes. A couple of times she has asked "When does the nice part end? You are too good to be true." But I do try to pace myself when it comes to texting and I don't tell her that I want to spend every minute with her, which is how I feel sometimes. She did meet my daughter last night so that ship has already sailed. We have 3 things scheduled over the next 9 days. I am determined not to sound needy. Needy is not attractive in men.

I don't think anyone has suggested that you are being a jerk to this woman.

On the contrary you are being kind and nice.

Its the games that you are playing that are natural to you and her (which you claim ultimately led to your past divorce) that are the issue.

If something (or behavior pattern) doesn't work for you why do it again?

I really want you to be happily married. I don't want you to revisit mistakes of the past. OK?

And that is everyone's concern  (I think)

Cool. I appreciate that. Should I just come out and tell her? "I like you so much and I want to be with you all the time. I've been afraid to tell you because I don't want you to think I need you more than you need me." Obviously that would be rediculous. But maybe I should tell her something.

BTW, she and I are having a pleasant texting conversation at the moment. She's at the doctor for strep throat and I'm keeping her company while she is waiting. I need to stop thinking about it all the time. I have other interests, my daughter, working on custom cars.

I just worry about this way too much. When we're together, texting or on the phone I feel great but the rest of the time I'm wondering if she's thinking about me. We've already talked about where we might live and stuff. Last night she asked me if I would let her choose the wall colors if we were to ever live in the same house.

Sometimes I think I should just call this off because I'm obviously not ready for this kind of relationship. I have dated a few others but this one is really special and none of the others got past the second date.

Just an hour ago I was asking myself "Is this really worth it?" (to be on pins and needles most of the week so that I can feel amazing for 8 hours out of the week)

OK another thought just occurred to me. Maybe I should think only about what will make her happy and not about my own needs?

carwhisperer, is she is a Christian?Does she know that you are?
My advise is to not even go there if she isnt. I know too many people who are believers, and who go out with, or who are married to, non believers. It rarely works that the person converts, and it all causes all sorts of heartbreak. God is very wise when he warns us not to do this.

Isn't math an analytical science? Two math teachers = a formula that does not equate? hmmm? X + Y = Love? Wait a minute here; you both must plug in the same values for X and Y. Maybe you need more study into the Central Limit Theorem of applied mathematics concerning random variables, expectation values, and conditional expectations.

Carwhisperer. Now you are on the right path when you concern yourself with her (and your child's) ultimate needs.

That is almost the definition of a successful relationship. When you are concerned for the needs of others in a proper priority that goes a long way. You will get your needs met by someone who actively looks to fulfill them; and that is what makes a successful relationship.