Christian Forums

Hello all,

This is my first post here, and I could use a little advice and encouragement. Just a little background information, I am single 26 year old male, and I live in Northwest Georgia. Overall, I am pretty average with one glaring abnormality. Within the past ten years I have been one date, and that was a month ago. So it is safe to say I am little behind the curve in that regard. That said, one of my goals this year was to get involved with a church that had a larger community of people my age. The hope being if I increased my circle of friends then I was more likely to meet dateable women. Unfortunately, it seems like churches (especially in this area) frown upon mid twenties singles. The so called singles Sunday school class I joined was quickly converted to one for all ages, and contained more college age folks than anything. The few people in the class that were between 26 - 30 were either dating someone or showed no interest in making friends at least. So here I am a year later, and I feel like I have not made any progress personally. What could I be doing wrong? Are churches really not the best place to meet someone to date?

The other post written on today in the singles forum is right up your alley.

http://www.gracecentered.com/christian_forums/christian-singles-forum/will-i-ever/

Online dating is probably your best best. Churches often don't have a good singles group in that age range. People are often married, off at college, or single and not attending church at your age.

Being an average guy is ok, but find confidence and the ability to be a good boyfriend or spouse is something that you have to learn. An average guy can he a great partner if they put the work into it.

Blessings.

If you came to my church and it was seen that the reason you came was to find a mate, you'd be quickly corrected about that, and could even be told to leave.

Matthew 6:33 is the answer to anyone who feels they have a need in any area. Serve the Lord God with all your heart and seek after him and his righteousness first. In other words, get your priorities right, and God will be able to direct your way toward that thing you have your heart set on. Until we relent to God's way, we are only doing it our way and it never works.

Quote from: Merryone on Wed Dec 28, 2011 - 23:59:52
If you came to my church and it was seen that the reason you came was to find a mate, you'd be quickly corrected about that, and could even be told to leave.

It is attitudes like these that first of all give Christianity a bad name. The church you describe sounds more like a cult than a church.

That said I am going to get on my soapbox a little. So using your logic a church gathering is not the place to meet a potential mate. So being a Christian and not having church as an option I search for potential mates at the bar or night club. Maybe I since I need to be "corrected" maybe I should pay a prostitute a weekly salary to be seen with me and then I can shave my head and wait for the UFO in the comet tail to take me to Heaven.

Quote from: Merryone on Wed Dec 28, 2011 - 23:59:52
If you came to my church and it was seen that the reason you came was to find a mate, you'd be quickly corrected about that, and could even be told to leave.

I believe you that it would happen. I disagree with it however. There is a seeming disdain for wanting to get married.  It is as if the collective leaders of the churches do not see lonliness and sexual frustration as important issues.  The churches SHOULD be grooming tweens and teens to  be ready to get married early on, and even play matchmaker in some instances.  (happened with me and my wife)

One of the carryovers of the reformation from the RCC that really needs to go away is the almost idolatry of singleness/virginity.

Quote from: DaveW on Thu Dec 29, 2011 - 07:24:56

Quote from: Merryone on Wed Dec 28, 2011 - 23:59:52
If you came to my church and it was seen that the reason you came was to find a mate, you'd be quickly corrected about that, and could even be told to leave.

I believe you that it would happen. I disagree with it however. There is a seeming disdain for wanting to get married.  It is as if the collective leaders of the churches do not see lonliness and sexual frustration as important issues.  The churches SHOULD be grooming tweens and teens to  be ready to get married early on, and even play matchmaker in some instances.  (happened with me and my wife)

One of the carryovers of the reformation from the RCC that really needs to go away is the almost idolatry of singleness/virginity.

It seems like churches do foster relationship building for people earlier in life. It seems like most of the people that fall within my age group are already married, but if you pass the ages of 23 -24 and you still are not married the you are somewhat looked upon by the church as "damaged goods"

And since there is a mandate to disciple believers, what are those churches doing to "fix" those considered "damaged goods" to make them into viable options for marriage partners, parents, productive congregation members, etc?

Quote from: DaveW on Thu Dec 29, 2011 - 07:24:56The churches SHOULD be grooming tweens and teens to  be ready to get married early on, and even play matchmaker in some instances.  (happened with me and my wife)

I emphasized the matchmaking part because sometimes other people can see 2 people together because being in love muddles a lot of rational thinking when it comes to relationships. I know it's not a cultural norm to be in an arranged marriage but I see more benefits in it and a lot less divorce with it.

That's really sweet that it happened to you and your wife. My husband and I were a match made in heaven too, God told me to marry him and I asked him to marry me with my first contact with him.

space capsule, maybe its different where you live, but in the UK very few young people are married in their mid 20's. You certainly wouldn't be considered damaged goods, in fact, do you think that maybe that's how you 'think' they see you, rather than how they actually 'do' see you?

I cant see anything wrong with wanting a wife and doing what you can to find one.
I echo what anx said. The internet is a great way to meet other believers who you would never normally meet. I met my husband that way 7 years ago, my son met his wife on a Christian internet site, (he was 33 when they married), and my older daughter met her fiance on the same one(they are aged 31 and 32).Both my older 2 children came back to God later, (in their late 20's) so had practically no Christian friends at that time.

I am a great believer in being proactive in this. God rarely plonks a person on your lap so to speak. I know several single or divorced ladies who say they really want to meet someone, but wont do anything about it, even when I tell them that I know of 8 Christian couples who met on the internet, they wont make the effort. Their loss. They will probably remain single. If I hadn't gone onto the internet, I am sure that I would still be alone, because there are no men in my church who are single of anywhere near my age( I mean ANYWHERE near my age). To be honest, I don't know a single Christian couple who met at their church. I am sure it does happen, but I just don't know of any.
Give it a go, what have you got to loose?

Quote from: chosenone on Thu Dec 29, 2011 - 08:21:26
space capsule, maybe its different where you live, but in the UK very few young people are married in their mid 20's. You certainly wouldn't be considered damaged goods, in fact, do you think that maybe that's how you think they see you?
I cant see anything wrong with wanting a wife and doing what you can to find one.x 
I echo what anx said. The internet is a great way to meet other believers who you would never normally meet. I met my husband that way 7 years ago, my son met his wife on the internet(he was 33 when they married), and my older daughter met her fiance that way(they are aged 31 and 32).Both my older 2 children came back to God later, (in their late 20's) so had practically no Christian friends at that time.
I am a great believer in being proactive in this. God rarely plonks a person on your lap so to speak. I know several single or divorced ladies who say they want to meet someone, but wont do anything about it, even when I tell them that I know 8 Christian couples who met on the internet, they wont make the effort. Their loss.If I hadn't gone onto the internet I am sure that I would still be alone, because there are no men on my church who are single of anywhere near my age. To be honest, I don't know a single Christian couple who met at their church. I am sure it does happen, but I just don't know of any.
Give it a go, what have you got to loose?

I think this is really good advice too, if singles websites aren't your cup of tea, meeting people on discussion forums is good too. You can get a really good sense of the person's personality.

Hi spacecapsule, being a 28 yr old woman who is currently single, I understand. The church I am a member of has a singles ministry; however, most of the members are women. My suggestion to you is get to know the members at the church to learn or improve your social skills. And as suggested often, keep trusting God with your life and relationships.

Quote from: spacecapsule on Thu Dec 29, 2011 - 06:31:18

Quote from: Merryone on Wed Dec 28, 2011 - 23:59:52
If you came to my church and it was seen that the reason you came was to find a mate, you'd be quickly corrected about that, and could even be told to leave.

It is attitudes like these that first of all give Christianity a bad name. The church you describe sounds more like a cult than a church.

That said I am going to get on my soapbox a little. So using your logic a church gathering is not the place to meet a potential mate. So being a Christian and not having church as an option I search for potential mates at the bar or night club. Maybe I since I need to be "corrected" maybe I should pay a prostitute a weekly salary to be seen with me and then I can shave my head and wait for the UFO in the comet tail to take me to Heaven.

You misunderstand. The pastor's job is to protect the flock from wolves. Anyone coming to church for any reason than to worship the Lord Jesus Christ is suspect. If it is evident that one is looking for a mate, he or she will be spoken to and corrected. Our young people, males and females have a right to worship the Lord without worrying about people on the hunt for wives or husbands as their goal for being there. They aren't marriage material in the first place.

When we all come together to worship and serve God, often we will meet the spouse God has planned for us, but we are to be doing His will first and foremost. The spouse is a bonus.

While I agree with you that part of a pastor's job is to protect his flock, I disagree with the rest of what you wrote.

Another part of that pastor's job is to provide for his flock and that may include finding a spouse.  (much more than a "bonus") If you are a single "coming together to worship and serve God" in your local congregation, you are a 20 or 30 something single and the only singles in your congregation are in grade school or even in high school, WHERE are you going to find a spouse? Certainly NOT in your home congregation.

If God has not given you the charismatic gift of celebacy, you will be more effective in serving the Lord married rather than single. I see nothing wrong with scouting out who is available in other congregations.  But I would also not just walk into it blind.  Talk to your pastor.  If you get called on it by the leaders in the other congregation, have them talk to your pastor. That way you are covered.  In fact your pastor may want to call the other leaders BEFORE you show up there

In my opinion anytime someone goes spouse shopping they are in error be it at church or in a bar.

Go solely with the intention of making friends. Good, solid and fabulous friends.

Then things tend to work out better for all people involved & defense barriers don't go up. And besides, who can claim they have too many friends?

And as far as romance and marriage? It happens when you least expect it and focus the least on it. 

Quote from: DaveW on Fri Dec 30, 2011 - 06:21:30
While I agree with you that part of a pastor's job is to protect his flock, I disagree with the rest of what you wrote.

Another part of that pastor's job is to provide for his flock and that may include finding a spouse.  (much more than a "bonus") If you are a single "coming together to worship and serve God" in your local congregation, you are a 20 or 30 something single and the only singles in your congregation are in grade school or even in high school, WHERE are you going to find a spouse? Certainly NOT in your home congregation.

If God has not given you the charismatic gift of celebacy, you will be more effective in serving the Lord married rather than single. I see nothing wrong with scouting out who is available in other congregations.  But I would also not just walk into it blind.  Talk to your pastor.  If you get called on it by the leaders in the other congregation, have them talk to your pastor. That way you are covered.  In fact your pastor may want to call the other leaders BEFORE you show up there

LOL! It is God's responsibility to provide a spouse if one is willing to wait on His best---not the pastor's!

Quote from: JohnDB on Fri Dec 30, 2011 - 07:55:47
In my opinion anytime someone goes spouse shopping they are in error be it at church or in a bar.

Go solely with the intention of making friends. Good, solid and fabulous friends.

Then things tend to work out better for all people involved & defense barriers don't go up. And besides, who can claim they have too many friends?

And as far as romance and marriage? It happens when you least expect it and focus the least on it. 

Quote from: Merryone on Thu Dec 29, 2011 - 21:18:10

Quote from: spacecapsule on Thu Dec 29, 2011 - 06:31:18

Quote from: Merryone on Wed Dec 28, 2011 - 23:59:52
If you came to my church and it was seen that the reason you came was to find a mate, you'd be quickly corrected about that, and could even be told to leave.

It is attitudes like these that first of all give Christianity a bad name. The church you describe sounds more like a cult than a church.

That said I am going to get on my soapbox a little. So using your logic a church gathering is not the place to meet a potential mate. So being a Christian and not having church as an option I search for potential mates at the bar or night club. Maybe I since I need to be "corrected" maybe I should pay a prostitute a weekly salary to be seen with me and then I can shave my head and wait for the UFO in the comet tail to take me to Heaven.

You misunderstand. The pastor's job is to protect the flock from wolves. Anyone coming to church for any reason than to worship the Lord Jesus Christ is suspect. If it is evident that one is looking for a mate, he or she will be spoken to and corrected. Our young people, males and females have a right to worship the Lord without worrying about people on the hunt for wives or husbands as their goal for being there. They aren't marriage material in the first place.

When we all come together to worship and serve God, often we will meet the spouse God has planned for us, but we are to be doing His will first and foremost. The spouse is a bonus.

You both make valid points, and I stand corrected to a degree. I still feel the church should be a little more accommodating to single in the 25 - 35 age range. I mean when every other life stage has a Sunday school but singles 25 - 35 something is not quite right. May just be the area in which I live (people do tend to marry earlier in life here) but there are just little to no opportunity for a mid 20s single person to plug into a small group much less look for a potential spouse.

So, you are talking about church. Ask the Lord to lead you to a church where you will thrive. It is up to him to lead you and it is up to you to follow. People make the mistake of choosing their own churches based on convenience and comfort. Letting God show you where he wants you and with whom he wants you to worship and make friends will turn out to be one of the the greatest blessings of your life.

And God said "It is not good for man to be alone". Genesis chapter 1 or 2? Furthermore God made half of us boys and the other half girls. I know guys who are in there 60's who have been single for 10+ years because God hasn't brought the right woman along and dropped her in front of them. I don't think God works that way. You have to go out and find one. My experience is that there are hardly any churches at all that have singles groups period. In the Sacramento area I think there are only 2-3 churches that really have a thriving singles ministry. I go to one of them, Bayside megachurch with 10000 members. It takes a huge population to draw from to have a singles group. I went there a couple of times and it is great but I have been dating a girl for the last 6 weeks that I met at a work function so I havn't wanted to go to the singles ministry. My main point is that I disagree with those who state or imply that you should just go about your business and wait for God to give you a girlfriend or wife. On the other hand, it is not too attractive to have it known about you that you are looking. So you have to look without anyone knowing. On the other other hand, in my experience girls like it when you are decisive and somewhat aggressive. When you meet someone, especially a pretty one, if you get her attention, don't take too long to ask her out. Maybe see her at church a couple of times then ask. My two cents.

Quote from: Carwhisperer on Sat Dec 31, 2011 - 00:38:24
And God said "It is not good for man to be alone". Genesis chapter 1 or 2? Furthermore God made half of us boys and the other half girls. I know guys who are in there 60's who have been single for 10+ years because God hasn't brought the right woman along and dropped her in front of them. I don't think God works that way. You have to go out and find one. My experience is that there are hardly any churches at all that have singles groups period. In the Sacramento area I think there are only 2-3 churches that really have a thriving singles ministry. I go to one of them, Bayside megachurch with 10000 members. It takes a huge population to draw from to have a singles group. I went there a couple of times and it is great but I have been dating a girl for the last 6 weeks that I met at a work function so I havn't wanted to go to the singles ministry. My main point is that I disagree with those who state or imply that you should just go about your business and wait for God to give you a girlfriend or wife. On the other hand, it is not too attractive to have it known about you that you are looking. So you have to look without anyone knowing. On the other other hand, in my experience girls like it when you are decisive and somewhat aggressive. When you meet someone, especially a pretty one, if you get her attention, don't take too long to ask her out. Maybe see her at church a couple of times then ask. My two cents.

You don't go out and find one. You concern yourself with living for God, who is number one in the priority list, and as Matthew 6:33 says, God will provide all that you need. When he can trust you to be the man or woman he has created you to be, then he will trust you with the mate of his choosing - that is, if you put your complete trust in him. Don't be a wall flower. Make friends - godly ones, and be about the Father's business first. That is when you can expect God to answer your need. Why would God bring that perfect mate to a person who isn't fully trusting God? How can that be a blessing to a spouse?

If that intimate relationship isn't there between a person and God, then you will end up finding your own mate. You take the risk.

Sigh. Another conversation that can go back and forth and everyone will still have their views. The OPs frustrations are natural and normal.

cw
you are right in that there are 50% men to women in the world at large, but we do need to remember that in the church the numbers are very different, especially as we get older. There are far far more women to men in most churches, certianly in the Uk.
Meeting a person at work can be very hazardous, because few meet true believers there, but will go out with non believers. NOT a good idea.
merryone if I hadnt been pro active and gone on the internet, I would never have met my lovely godly husband 7 years ago. For women in their middle age( I was in my 40's)its almost impossible to find a good available Christian man in the church. There is aways a balance in these things. We do need to be careful of course that we only go out with godly people, and that does limit us a lot, but there are different ways of meeting someone. 

Quote from: Merryone on Fri Dec 30, 2011 - 11:31:22

LOL! It is God's responsibility to provide a spouse of one is willing to wait on His best---not the pastor's!

Show me one example in scripture other than Adam and Eve where God provided a spouse without human involvement.   In NT times it was considered the parents' responsibility to find and provide spouses for their children. The Bible is written with that cultural assumption. If parents do not do that today, why not pastors?

Quote from: DaveW on Sun Jan 01, 2012 - 09:29:12

Quote from: Merryone on Fri Dec 30, 2011 - 11:31:22

LOL! It is God's responsibility to provide a spouse of one is willing to wait on His best---not the pastor's!

Show me one example in scripture other than Adam and Eve where God provided a spouse without human involvement.   In NT times it was considered the parents' responsibility to find and provide spouses for their children. The Bible is written with that cultural assumption. If parents do not do that today, why not pastors?

You make a good point here Dave. I do not think it is the pastor's sole responsibility to be a match maker so to speak, but I do think there is an opportunity to foster a singles community within a church.

As I mentioned before the church I am currently attending had a singles Sunday class when I first started. Within a month of me attending it became a "open to all ages" and now it is just a revolving door of people attending once then never again.

I personal feel a person could bloody their knees praying for something like a spouse and get nothing for it. Not that I feel the prayers are not being heard it is just that you are responsible for initiative. Right now it would just be easier for me to be a bar fly than  try to meet another single in a church community.

Quote from: DaveW on Sun Jan 01, 2012 - 09:29:12

Quote from: Merryone on Fri Dec 30, 2011 - 11:31:22

LOL! It is God's responsibility to provide a spouse of one is willing to wait on His best---not the pastor's!

Show me one example in scripture other than Adam and Eve where God provided a spouse without human involvement.   In NT times it was considered the parents' responsibility to find and provide spouses for their children. The Bible is written with that cultural assumption. If parents do not do that today, why not pastors?

Where is it written that pastors are matchmakers? They have enough to do watching over our spiritual health, and chasing away the wolves.

When we commit our way to God, God fulfills our every need and that includes sending us the most important person in our lives next to God. It doesn't mean that we do not put ourselves in the right places and among the right people for that to happen. Quite the opposite. If we are haphazard with our moral choices and with the commitment to surrounding ourselves with people of like mind and heart, then we will have a rough time. It still boils down to living out Matthew 6:33, and making that one's byword for living.

QuoteWhere is it written that pastors are matchmakers?

Where is it written that they are NOT? ? ?

The word itself is related to shepherding meaning that the shepherd provides what is needed by his flock.  I would see a marriage partner as falling under that definition.

Or perhaps you think God was kidding when He said it is not good for man to dwell alone and a marriage partner is just fluff.

Quote from: DaveW on Mon Jan 02, 2012 - 08:28:27

QuoteWhere is it written that pastors are matchmakers?

Where is it written that they are NOT? ? ?

The word itself is related to shepherding meaning that the shepherd provides what is needed by his flock.  I would see a marriage partner as falling under that definition.

Or perhaps you think God was kidding when He said it is not good for man to dwell alone and a marriage partner is just fluff.

Pastors are to shepherd and succor the flock. God is the one who provides a spouse. A pastor or any other spiritually discerning person can offer guidance and insight in the life of a person who desires marriage, but a pastor is not a matchmaker.

Perhaps matchmaker is the wrong term. But could we agree that a good pastor should try to meet the needs of his flock, one of which is providing opportunities for single people to at least meet each other? If there aren't enough single people attending the church to have a singles ministry he can't do much about that but he can try to encourage an atmosphere where single people can meet and where they feel welcome and not like outcasts.

Somehow, I think Merryone is already married.

Wise words, but VERY easy to say when you already are married and have little knowledge of the acute pain of loneliness.