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Ok, this is quite a blunt question but I would like to get some opinions - it's not like you can ask this question of too many of your friends.

The 'world', i.e movies, dramas and other types of media basically give the message that ALL men love oral sex...and that for them. it is basically the 'be all and end all' of sexiness.   Is this really true? 

I was talking to a newly married friend the other day and her new husband doesn't want to receive it, nor does he want to give it.  It's not that he has a problem with it, it's just that it doesn't turn him on at all.   She thought this was a little strange and I have to admit, I wondered the same myself.  But then maybe we have just bought into a bit of media 'spin' that all guys love this!  Maybe the reality is very different.

Any thoughts?

Wel, judging by how many people have read this post, it seems like everyone wants to read about....but no one wants to TALK about it.   

I don't think it provides the intimacy that intercourse does.
Variety is important.

I don't question what my husband wants to do and not do in bed, i'm not the one with the physiological need for sex.

each person is created differently, no body can truthfully say that, that is the norm. 

I think that we are all different, and if oral sex doesnt turn him on then why worry? There is certainly nothing wrong with him just because he prefers to have normal sex.
Just do what each likes and enjoy whatever that is. It seems rather strange for anyone to think that all men have to like the same things, any more than all women will like the same things.
Isnt it sort of a bit like saying that all men should prefer chocolate ice cream, when some prefer strawberry or vanilla?Ok maybe not a great comparison, but I am sure that you get my meaning.

I will agree with chosenone to a point.  But only to a point. 

Yes, everyone has their individual preferences. And those preferences should be respected. BUT ...

Personally as a man, I do not understand how a guy would NOT want to give O/S, In some ways it is MORE intimate than regular intercourse.  You cannot get more "up close and personal" than when giving O/S.

We men are biblically expected to provide for our wives and that includes doing all we can to keep them sexually satisfied.  (they have no where else to go for that)

So even if we think something is "distasteful" [pun intentional] but we have no moral issue with it, we should do it if asked. (I am not suggesting you violate your own sense of morals) We are called to lay down our lives for our wives.  I am sure that would include doing things we may not be personally inclined to do. How many popular songs have talked about "the things we do for love?"

How distasteful was going to the cross?

1 Jn 3.16  We know love by this - that He laid down His life for us; and so ought we to lay down our lives for the brethern [including our wives].

Dave, you are assuming that all men are the same as you. I have known some women who hate oral sex, so why not men as well? I have known others who feel that it isnt right to do, thats their choice.
The issue here seems to be that this lady is concerned that her husband doesnt like recieving or giving it, but why should he? There was no mention that the wife was desperate to have oral sex, just that she felt it was strange that a man may not like it. If she isnt that bothered, then why would it be an issue?
Also, I dont agree that it is more intimate then sexual intercourse, but thats my opinion. Also dont agree that if one spouse find something very distasteful they should do it anyway. I would never ask my husband to do anything that he really didnt like. Thats not love surely?

Perhaps I am thinking all are like me but that is somewhat common.

And as to people who 'hate' something - if both of you do not want to do X, then fine. If one would like to do X but is ok without it, probably also fine, as long as they are really ok without.

But in the case where one spouse wants something and is feeling frustrated or unloved, then I believe the other spouse has a biblical obligation (1 Cor 7) to provide relief in that area, providing it is not something morally forbidden. (like threesomes or animals)

If it is something that is not morally wrong but one has an intense desire and the other an intense revulsion; (it happens) then BOTH need to spend time in prayer together and seperately, for God to either change the desires or the revulsion, or for another option that ony HE could come up with.

Bottom line - laying down our lives for someone else is seldom pleasant.  However, God gives abundant grace to allow us to do that. The closer the relationship, the more laying down your own life is required.

This thread sucks...

Quote from: OldDad on Tue Mar 27, 2012 - 10:27:03
This thread sucks...

So do vacuum sweepers...

Quote from: OldDad on Tue Mar 27, 2012 - 10:27:03
This thread sucks...

.... tell me that was intentional 

Quote from: DaveW on Tue Mar 27, 2012 - 08:40:18
Perhaps I am thinking all are like me but that is somewhat common.

And as to people who 'hate' something - if both of you do not want to do X, then fine. If one would like to do X but is ok without it, probably also fine, as long as they are really ok without.

But in the case where one spouse wants something and is feeling frustrated or unloved, then I believe the other spouse has a biblical obligation (1 Cor 7) to provide relief in that area, providing it is not something morally forbidden. (like threesomes or animals)

If it is something that is not morally wrong but one has an intense desire and the other an intense revulsion; (it happens) then BOTH need to spend time in prayer together and seperately, for God to either change the desires or the revulsion, or for another option that ony HE could come up with.

Bottom line - laying down our lives for someone else is seldom pleasant.  However, God gives abundant grace to allow us to do that. The closer the relationship, the more laying down your own life is required.

Ok but I wouldnt even ask my husband to do something that he either hated or found distasteful. I cant see that is being loving to him at all.
I could never enjoy it if I knew that he wasnt. He wouldnt expect that of me either.I cant understand why anyone would put pressure on their spouse to do this if they didnt like it.
No one should 'have' to do a sex act that isnt sexual intercourse. There are enough things that a couple can find to do that both enjoy and that both can share. 

Well, I could say you are projecting your own ideas on the rest of us here like you said of me a few posts back.

I applaud you if you have never had a strong desire that could not be fulfilled any other way.  Not all of us are like that. (probably part of living in a fallen world affecting each of us differently)

Even if I did have a strong desire for one particular sex act, its not my right to force or put pressure on my spouse to do what I want, especially if it isnt actual intercourse. Oral sex is very much a personal preference but certainly not a right. If anyone feels they cant possibly do without oral sex, and their spouse isnt keen, then maybe they need to do some deep praying that God will change them to desire other more acceptable things to their spouse.

Quote from: chosenone on Tue Mar 27, 2012 - 12:47:23
Even if I did have a strong desire for one particular sex act, its not my right to force or put pressure on my spouse to do what I want, especially if it isnt actual intercourse. Oral sex is very much a personal preference but certainly not a right. If anyone feels they cant possibly do without oral sex, and their spouse isnt keen, then maybe they need to do some deep praying that God will change them to desire other more acceptable things to their spouse.

The husbands body is not his..but his wife's; the wife's body is not hers...but her husbands.

With that; what is our responsibility to our spouse?

Quote from: chosenone on Tue Mar 27, 2012 - 12:47:23Even if I did have a strong desire for one particular sex act, its not my right to force or put pressure on my spouse to do what I want, especially if it isnt actual intercourse. Oral sex is very much a personal preference but certainly not a right. If anyone feels they cant possibly do without oral sex, and their spouse isnt keen, then maybe they need to do some deep praying that God will change them to desire other more acceptable things to their spouse.

According to the Mishnah and Talmuds with scriptural backing, the sexual attitudes of First Century Judea was this: Sex is a wife's right and a husband's responsibility a(and most definately NOT the other way around) The Mishnah has a list of how often a prospective bride can expect to be satisfied based on the husband's occupation.  If it was not too strenuous and did not involve travel, it was DAILY.

Now Paul balanced that out somewhat in 1 Cor 7, making it more mutual, but it is important to realize what underlies his words.

Realize that the Song of Solomon was read in its entirety in the synagogues every year at Passover and it contains at least 4 references to oral sex (3 of them on her) so it was a known practice back then.

Quote from: chosenone on Tue Mar 27, 2012 - 12:47:23
Even if I did have a strong desire for one particular sex act, its not my right to force or put pressure on my spouse to do what I want, especially if it isnt actual intercourse. Oral sex is very much a personal preference but certainly not a right. If anyone feels they cant possibly do without oral sex, and their spouse isnt keen, then maybe they need to do some deep praying that God will change them to desire other more acceptable things to their spouse.

I agree here. If I really hated some particular thing, dreaded it, it doesn't seem helpful to keep forcing myself to do it, especially if I am open to other things. I think it's fair to be reciprocal on that.

That's helpful, I think. 

My friend had not had a sexual relationship before her husband, so she was trying to work out if this was 'normal' or not.

Probably when it comes to sex, there is no such thing as 'normal'.  Sexual tastes are very different from person to person! 

I don't understand why so many people insist on making this into a theological issue.  Not particularly interested in the Talmudic angle, seeing as I'm a goy.

Do what you enjoy doing (with your spouse!) and seek to please the other.

Quote from: happypromises on Tue Mar 27, 2012 - 16:32:00
That's helpful, I think. 

My friend had not had a sexual relationship before her husband, so she was trying to work out if this was 'normal' or not.

Probably when it comes to sex, there is no such thing as 'normal'.  Sexual tastes are very different from person to person! 

  Absolutely.

Quote from: Thankfulldad on Tue Mar 27, 2012 - 12:51:30

Quote from: chosenone on Tue Mar 27, 2012 - 12:47:23
Even if I did have a strong desire for one particular sex act, its not my right to force or put pressure on my spouse to do what I want, especially if it isnt actual intercourse. Oral sex is very much a personal preference but certainly not a right. If anyone feels they cant possibly do without oral sex, and their spouse isnt keen, then maybe they need to do some deep praying that God will change them to desire other more acceptable things to their spouse.

The husbands body is not his..but his wife's; the wife's body is not hers...but her husbands.

With that; what is our responsibility to our spouse?

Good question,but surely not to force or pressure our spouse to do anything they hate or feel really uncomfortable about?We need to put our spouse first and not expect them to fulfill our particular sexual 'desires' no matter what they may be. What if our spouse wanted some SM for example and the thought to us was abbhorant? We need to stop being so selfish and only do things that both spouses enjoy and feel relaxed about.
Guys, you wont die without oral sex you know!Many believers dont even think it is something that is acceptable(I am not one of them by the way).

Quote from: chosenone on Tue Mar 27, 2012 - 21:04:09

Quote from: Thankfulldad on Tue Mar 27, 2012 - 12:51:30

Quote from: chosenone on Tue Mar 27, 2012 - 12:47:23
Even if I did have a strong desire for one particular sex act, its not my right to force or put pressure on my spouse to do what I want, especially if it isnt actual intercourse. Oral sex is very much a personal preference but certainly not a right. If anyone feels they cant possibly do without oral sex, and their spouse isnt keen, then maybe they need to do some deep praying that God will change them to desire other more acceptable things to their spouse.

The husbands body is not his..but his wife's; the wife's body is not hers...but her husbands.

With that; what is our responsibility to our spouse?

Good question,but surely not to force or pressure our spouse to do anything they hate or feel really uncomfortable about?We need to put our spouse first and not expect them to fulfill our particular sexual 'desires' no matter what they may be. What if our spouse wanted some SM for example and the thought to us was abbhorant? We need to stop being so selfish and only do things that both spouses enjoy and feel relaxed about.
Guys, you wont die without oral sex you know!Many believers dont even think it is something that is acceptable(I am not one of them by the way).

We are to give our bodies to each other...give ourself up; why is this so hard for many?

Ok how far should that go? Paul was talking I believe about not deprivinge each other of sexual intercours, not about whatever other sexual acts that we may or may not desire. Not all sex acts are godly. Some sex acts that people do today are actually very perverted(I am sure that we can all think of a few of those).
I cant believe how anyone would think it was loving or right to pressure their spouse to do something that is truly distasteful or wrong to them. Its not loving the wife, or respecting the husband to do this in my opinion.

Quote from: chosenone on Tue Mar 27, 2012 - 22:03:57
Ok how far should that go? Paul was talking I believe about not deprivinge each other of sexual intercours, not about whatever other sexual acts that we may or may not desire. Not all sex acts are godly. Some sex acts that people do today are actually very perverted(I am sure that we can all think of a few of those).
I cant believe how anyone would think it was loving or right to pressure their spouse to do something that is truly distasteful or wrong to them. Its not loving the wife, or respecting the husband to do this in my opinion.

In a Christian marriage; is there anything that is wrong?  The Holy Spirit would guide each one to please the other; it is the gift of God, the marriage bed.  There would be no pressure...just two becoming one in the most intimate ways, giving their bodies to each other out of love.

Open communication, prayer...giving up one self for the other...is the perfect marriage God desires.

I am only speaking of the marriage God desires; I know when the fallen world marries (as you describe)...it is a mess

Quote from: stevehut on Tue Mar 27, 2012 - 17:58:27
I don't understand why so many people insist on making this into a theological issue.   Not particularly interested in the Talmudic angle, seeing as I'm a goy.

Because sex IS a theological issue.

God describes his relationship to us (collectively) as a husband to a wife. Paul says that the unity of husband and wife is a picture of Messiah and His congregation. What is unique with the husband/wife covenant is sex.

As to the "talmudic angle," it should be important as cultural understanding and backdrop to what was written in the NT.

Quote from: stevehut on Tue Mar 27, 2012 - 17:58:27

Do what you enjoy doing (with your spouse!) and seek to please the other.

100% agree!  It's a private matter - do whatever turns you both on and that you feel is ok, with God.   And as for what anyone else thinks, who cares?!  :)

Its a balance between what your spouse wants you to do and what you feel is right with God. Neither spouse has a 'right' to demand or manipulate the other to do anything, but if both agree(without pressure), and feel 100% at peace about it with God, then go ahead. 

However I dont agree that absolutely 'anything goes' just because a couple are married.
For example I know that AS and S/M would definetly not be anything that we would get involved in, nor would that act of near strangulation that some seem to go for, nor would one spouse dressing up as their spouses favourite singer or actress/actor(after all who you are having sex with, your spouse or the other person?) because I feel strongly that God wouldnt want me to do them, and that they arent right. Sex can become deviant even if a couple are married. 

Sexual taste changes over the years. Since married people have more sex than singles (statistically) over time married sex becomes more sophisticated and diverse. In a couple of years you'll have more "techniques" in your arsenal. I bet at some point he'll want to try it. Then he might not for a while but then start making it a regular thing. So don't lose hope. There are things my wife loves now that she never would've pictured us doing when we were newlyweds. Same with me. Give it time I say.

Quotemarried people have more sex than singles (statistically) over time married sex becomes more sophisticated and diverse.

That may be true on the overall but in many individual cases it is the exact opposite.


  Interesting to note:  On the last forums I was on, changing the subject line on a post changed it for all following posts.  It seems to NOT work that way here. 

Quote from: chosenone on Tue Mar 27, 2012 - 22:03:57
Ok how far should that go? Paul was talking I believe about not deprivinge each other of sexual intercours, not about whatever other sexual acts that we may or may not desire.

Sorry, that must be in one of the lost books I hear so much about. Sure ain't in my Bible.

Quote from: stevehut on Fri Apr 13, 2012 - 17:15:38

Quote from: chosenone
Ok how far should that go? Paul was talking I believe about not deprivinge each other of sexual intercourse, not about whatever other sexual acts that we may or may not desire.

Sorry, that must be in one of the lost books I hear so much about. Sure ain't in my Bible.

She is refering to 1 Cor 7. I am sure that is in your bible.

That said, (and given the preexisting discussion between Shammai and Hillel (grandfather of Gameliel, Paul's mentor) it is refering SPECIFICALLY to intercourse but is not limited to that.

For a good study on that chapter go to www.themarriagebed.com and look at Paul Byerly's article on Sexual Stewardship.

i suppose it depends is it part of loving sexual union for that couple, its true sex obsession in  our societies shows oral all the time

Quote from: scullions on Fri May 04, 2012 - 05:38:10
i suppose it depends is it part of loving sexual union for that couple, its true sex obsession in  our societies shows oral all the time

And the Song of Solomon refers to oral sex at least 4 times, 3 for him giving it to her (lips dripped with myrrh) and once for her giving it to him (garden of nuts).

Personally I think oral sex is a little perverted. As a Christian it just doesn't feel right. Same with anal sex. As a Christian, even if I was married, it just wouldn't seem morally right to have anal sex. I would prefer to stick to passionate kissing and making love. But not the kind of perverted sex you see in these porn movies. Of course, the media has made people think that sex should be like the porn movies.