Christian Forums

I'm very embarrassed to write this. And feel very selfish to think like this. But it hurts me, alot. My husband and I have been together almost 8 years. For about 6 of those years I have been "pleasing" him. Usually we would have sex but because he doesn't want me to get pregnant he stops when it even kind of feels good and I just finish him off with my hand. And it can take awhile. I'm sorry if that's to much. I really don't like doing this. And he knows it. But I'm suppose to be good to him. Another thing is he doesn't like kissing. I don't even remember what its like to be touched and kissed or to even be aroused. It would actually be weird if it happened. I know, I sound crazy! My husband works out of town now and is only home on the weekends. I stay home and take care of the kids. I miss him when he is gone and am very lonely. He is in every other way a great man and provides for us. I just don't know what to do. He is stubborn and stuck in his own ways.

Sometimes I'm ready to pack up and move across the country back home where our entire family is. Not just because of sex but because of his job too. He doesn't call us very much. :(

That really isn't right.

There are many christian books on sex in marriage. It should be something you both can enjoy.

1 Corinthians 7
1 Now for the matters you wrote about: "It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman." 2 But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband. 3 The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. 5 Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 6 I say this as a concession, not as a command. 7 I wish that all of you were as I am. But each of you has your own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that.

Sex, affection, and physical touch is something that should be enjoyed by both partners. Find a great book or schedule a time to talk with your husband and pastor together about this.

I don't think you are at all selfish. Reading this I feel like your husband is being selfish.

This absolutely can get better, but it will probably not be quick. Also, this is something that is going to be touchy. Be confident that it should change and can change, but move carefully as to keep the hurt, embarrassment, or whatever other emotions in check. No one comes out better if your husband feels shamed.

Don't feel bad about this, and find a healthy way out. Focus on the family often does radio broadcasts that you can listen to online about sexual issues. That may be a great place to start, or go to your local bookstore, online bookstore, or christian bookstore and find a book that speaks to you.

I'll link two books, both of which you could buy used. The top link was featured on one of the focus on the family radio broadcasts on sex in marriage. "What Wives Wish their Husbands Knew about Sex: A Guide for Christian Men". The authors described the book as written for a wife to buy for her husband. The authors have Ph.D.s and masters in seminary and work as sexual and family therapists. The second link is also written by christian family and sexual conselors
http://www.amazon.com/What-Wives-their-Husbands-about/dp/080106774X
http://www.amazon.com/The-Way-Love-Your-Wife/dp/158997445X
http://www.amazon.com/Sex-Christian-Marriage-Richard-Meier/dp/0800786440

The broadcasts on focus on the family that I liked are here.
http://fotf.cdnetworks.net/fotf/mp3/fof_daily_broadcast/ffd_2012/1_jan_feb_march/ffd_20120124.mp3
http://fotf.cdnetworks.net/fotf/mp3/fof_daily_broadcast/ffd_2012/1_jan_feb_march/ffd_20120125.mp3

Blessings.

I agree with anx, and also why cant you use contraceptives so that there is no chance that you will have another child?That would solve one peoblem. If you dont want any more children, one of you could be sterilised.

Anx - Thank you so much for your kindness and helping me out. I have looked at the books and am going to purchase one of them. I know I will read it but I'm not sure if I can get him to read it. I have purchased books in the past about being a Godly Wife/Husband but he just doesn't read much. Will see if this one looks more interesting to him. I have heard of Focus on the Family at a Homeschooling convention. I actually think I bookmarked there page on the computer. I will be sure to take a look. Thanks again!

Chosenone - We have in the past and its still the same. We have condoms to use now but it doesn't seem to matter. He prefers I finish him I guess. I asked if he would get a vasectomy. Since its a minor procedure over a getting tubes tied and costs less. But he doesnt seem interested. Plus we don't have health insurance right now and don't know if his employer will offer it or not. Thanks for your input.

Quote from: jwedemeyer83 on Thu Apr 19, 2012 - 16:52:06
He prefers I finish him I guess.

With no concern whatsoever about what you might prefer?

He makes all the decisions concerning sex?  Have you talked about it?  I'd have to say that for me, the next time he wanted me to do the finishing for him, while he spent no time in my pleasure... I'd say no.  Just say no. Let him finish himself a few times, maybe he would rething "HIS" sexlife.

I'm sorry, but I am not anyone's doormat. I was not created to be treated that way and I would refuse. I'd tell him I am more than interested in having sex with him, "WITH HIM" not just for him. I'd be plain in that there are TWO People who could be aroused and pleased in the situation, and if it wasn't going to be about the two of you, then why bother.

I would not just agree to be used day in and day out that way. Not at all. I would not have any of that "Finish" him leave me hanging thing either. 

Have you considered masterbation for yourself?  The bible is silent on this matter and I believe in hard situations like this one that has gone on for years, you might consider it.  Knowing me, I'd try that, and when he said he wanted sex, I'd say... "Oh, no thanks, I'm done."

I don't really like men who treat women as doormats.

Is your husband gay?

I'm sorry to be blunt, and I don't want to offend you.  But a man who refuses to kiss his wife and can only be satisfied by someone's hand sounds to me like he may be gay.  That or he's just spent WAY too much time alone with himself and has picked up some really bad kinks.  I will be praying for you.  I hope someone else is able to give you better advice than I can.

I don't think you need to leap to the conclusion that your husband is gay....but I'd agree that this is unusual behaviour.   My other half has struggled with sexuality issues and I will admit that red flags were raised in our intimate life very early on.   If I tried to talk about it, he was defensive and very uncomfortable.  It later transpired that he'd had a very long battle with pornography - and as we have since learned, porn can condition a man's mind and body in a very destructive way.  He can start to feel and think that the greatest pleasure and release comes from hand! 

Having said that, it doesn't mean your husband struggles in this way!   Fear does weird things to people's minds and it could be that he has simply fixated so much on the fear of you getting pregnant, to the point that it's blocked him out to everything else, including your own needs.   And this has now become a habit and it will be difficult to break out of.

Thing is, you've allowed it to happen, by continuing to consistently put his needs before your own and never, ever ask for anything in return.  Have you ever told him how much it bothers you?  Us girls will sometimes go along with things and not say a word, even though deep down it really, really bugs us!   

You do need to tackle this though - it clearly does bug you and also, it's not fair to you as you are not getting your needs met and that is not good for the marriage.    Time to talk....and to talk honestly!   And if you can't do that together, then you should try a Christian marriage counsellor, who specialises in sex therapy.   It may NOT be that big a deal - not once he knows how this is hurting you. 

Hello, I'm sorry about your pain and I wish it were all past.

Is your husband a Christian? 

If I may ask, what type of work does he do?

How many children do you have?

Have you ever asked him why he doesn't kiss you and touch you?  Surely he hasn't been a non-kisser the whole time you've known him?  Did you kiss when you were dating?

Have you asked him why he doesn't call you much?

Have you ever told him how you feel about moving back home?

I wanted to send you a pm but wasn't able to.  If you are open to receiving pm's please let me know.  Sometimes there are things I just prefer not to say openly.

My vasectomy was one smart decision, we still use condoms on occasion but merely to keep things tidy,  it eases the concerns of their failure as well.  There is also the rhythm method to consider, even valid by RC's, although I have a younger brother that resulted from this method.

Finish him...perhaps you should demand he finish you first and then you'll think about it.  Demand may be too strong a word but really his actions seem selfish considering your grace.

I usually finish my wife first, cause when I am finished, I am finished, her.... not so much.

May God bless whatever path you take,  for you and your family.

Carey.

Quote from: Carey on Tue Jun 12, 2012 - 14:01:24
I usually finish my wife first, cause when I am finished, I am finished, her.... not so much.

Like the old saying goes: Ladies first.