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I am struggling with my spouses continual disregard for health, well being, and attractiveness. Long story short - When we wre dating we both were atheletes. She was 5'-0" and 115 pounds. Many years later she is somewhere in the 235 pound range. This is't typical post pregnancy, aging weight, but a doubling of original weight. At age 37 she now has GERD, sleep apnea (uses a CPAP), urinary incontinence, and arthritis. She has a history of heart disease and diabetes in her family. It's like watching a slow suicide. She cannot fold laundry or walk to the end of the driveway without breathing hard. She has in the past used excuses such as PCOS, thyroid, etc... I want to spend the remainder of our lives together, but I dread that will not be much longer.

So you ask why do I not do something about it? Simple - any mention of being overwight makes me the "shallow" husband that only cares what his spouse looks like. Now I do miss those days of my petite, athletic wife that could participate in physical activities with me, I would even go so far as saying I resent the fact that I have to do all my physical activites, (running, biking, basketball, coaching) without her. This obviously is causing us to grow apart since I am unwilling to forgo my need for physical activities.

How do I reverse this nasty trend of unhealthines without being the shallow husband? 

PCOS will make any weight loss very tough almost to the point of impossible.

That & the disorders tendency towards depression she likely feels like giving up on trying to lose weight every time she tries.

She needs support and encouragement big time. Not to say that you would not appreciate her improved mood & health.

It will be a day in day out struggle for years for her.

Quote from: JohnDB on Tue Nov 20, 2012 - 16:16:11
PCOS will make any weight loss very tough almost to the point of impossible.

That & the disorders tendency towards depression she likely feels like giving up on trying to lose weight every time she tries.

She needs support and encouragement big time. Not to say that you would not appreciate her improved mood & health.

It will be a day in day out struggle for years for her.

It has been an ongoing 12 year battle. She doesn't seem to have the drive to succeed.

TW,

This is a delicate issue and only you will know how to adress it correctly with your wife based on her history and temperment and other issues.

One resource would be "His Needs, Her Needs" because it lists spouse attractiveness as a genuine need like all the other needs that couples have.  Companionship is also a valid need and physical activities can provide a time of companionship for couples.

You can do the book on your own or see a marriage counselor that uses these principles.
"marriagebuilers"  website is the home of this philosophy.

Make certain that you emphasize that you want this in part for her own health and the longevity of your relationship.  Make it clear that you will do everything in your power to assist her:  promote exercise, get special foods, go to a wt loss doctor, transportation to weight watchers meetings, ensure appropriate sleep, prescription medication.  Anything.

Quote from: johndoo on Tue Nov 20, 2012 - 16:39:44
TW,

This is a delicate issue and only you will know how to address it correctly with your wife based on her history and temperament and other issues.

One resource would be "His Needs, Her Needs" because it lists spouse attractiveness as a genuine need like all the other needs that couples have.  Companionship is also a valid need and physical activities can provide a time of companionship for couples.

You can do the book on your own or see a marriage counselor that uses these principles.
"marriagebuilers"  website is the home of this philosophy.

Make certain that you emphasize that you want this in part for her own health and the longevity of your relationship.  Make it clear that you will do everything in your power to assist her:  promote exercise, get special foods, go to a wt loss doctor, transportation to weight watchers meetings, ensure appropriate sleep, prescription medication.  Anything.

Delicate indeed. Been there and done that with the HNHR book. I even taught a Sunday School lesson based on the book. Sex, recreation, and attractiveness were the first three needs for men and from my post you can see those are not being met. But more importantly I look to meet her needs, affection, trust, security. I have been to counseling alone and it was presented to me that she has deep emotional trauma(s) that cause her to either comfort herself with food or use the extra weight as a barrier of protection.

Has she refused marriage counseling?

Tough one.  We also have 3 kids but my wife is a fitness fanatic.  We both are, maybe to point of being a little too vain.  If she let herself go I would have an issue with that.  I would view it as her not caring enough about me to let herself go.  I realize that is a totally self-centered viewpoint but if I committed to being monogamous then the expectation is that she would continue to keep herself in shape.

Quote from: johndoo on Wed Nov 21, 2012 - 09:09:17
Has she refused marriage counseling?

I have never asked, I have just been toughing it out for 12 years and haven't been able to bring the subject up. It goes back to my original question, how do I bring up the subject and not be the evil, shallow husband. I have tried to blame it on myself as being a poor husband, but my counselor says that there are deep underlying issues with her and that she needs to seek help, but I do not want to tell her to get help, I want her to seek it herself under her own will.

Quote from: TWilliams19750420 on Mon Nov 26, 2012 - 07:32:27

Quote from: johndoo on Wed Nov 21, 2012 - 09:09:17
Has she refused marriage counseling?

I have never asked, I have just been toughing it out for 12 years and haven't been able to bring the subject up. It goes back to my original question, how do I bring up the subject and not be the evil, shallow husband. I have tried to blame it on myself as being a poor husband, but my counselor says that there are deep underlying issues with her and that she needs to seek help, but I do not want to tell her to get help, I want her to seek it herself under her own will.

A couple of thoughts come to mind after reading your posts.

One is that a person has to recognize that they have a problem before they will do anything to remedy that problem. They really need this step.

Secondly a person must believe that they are powerless to do anything about their problem before they will seek help to fix their problem.

Thirdly many people will not go to a counselor to assist them. The thought of going to a stranger that has no proven ability (in their life) to help with anything is not relished. (even if to you a counselor is a good idea)
You on the other hand can help and do something. PCOS is a disorder that effects the endocrine system and many other hormones and moods of the person afflicted with it. They can feel ravenously hungry even 20 minutes after consuming a huge meal. Then be unreasonably angry or depressed over your breathing the wrong way.  Proper diet is an absolute must for her moods to equal out into her normal range. Not that a situational depression or situational anger is not warranted but that this disorder magnifies them to proportions that are not warranted. (IE going ballistic over a cold cup of coffee) Depression often encourages many people to eat even if not hungry...not difficult for someone with PCOS who always feels hungry.

Some of this may have come about with a dismissing of thoughts or feelings of the other person...either you dismissed an important feeling of your wife's or vice versa she doesn't understand your feelings. If she is claiming that you are insensitive that usually means that she is not understanding the importance of the feelings that you communicate to her. Or the other is that she communicates all her feelings (unimportant along with important) and so you dismiss them all to the not relevant category. Your going to a counselor can also feel like to her that you are betraying a trust when sharing details of your life with this "stranger".

When feelings get dismissed or discounted by the other person then there is a "pulling back" from true intimacy with the other person and a closing off. But that doesn't mean that you can't reverse the trend. NOBODY likes to admit they are wrong...ever. But that doesn't mean that they wont or can't change their mind about something.

Remind her that you are looking out for her...that her happiness is something that you are always looking to assist with. (and be sure that you are) See what a slow but positive difference that it will make in your life.

I would recommend marriage counseling.
I would bring up all three of the your identified "needs" that you listed that you feel aren't being met.
Even if one of the three improved, you would have a better marriage.
Like we said above, Dr. Harley identifies all of the needs as being valid.  None are labeled by a trained professional as being shallow.
Remeber that craziness is defined as doing the same thing all the time and expecting to get a different result.   It is time to try something different.

There may be some things we don't know.  Will she let you be affectionate to her?  If so, rub her feet and back on a regular basis  and let her know how much she means to you.  Ask her if she would be open to taking Inositol which is great for PCOS.  I know you may be working alot and have little energy at the end of the day, but take time to kill her with kindness and let her know that you love her no matter what.  This will be a start of something that will turn out great. 

Quote from: Pfc Hall on Mon Nov 26, 2012 - 15:08:31
There may be some things we don't know.  Will she let you be affectionate to her?  If so, rub her feet and back on a regular basis  and let her know how much she means to you. Ask her if she would be open to taking Inositol which is great for PCOS.  I know you may be working alot and have little energy at the end of the day, but take time to kill her with kindness and let her know that you love her no matter what.  I tried this routine a few years ago for over a year, gave her massages, sent her out with $1000 with her best friend to enjoy the day, doubled up on the honey do list and chores around the home - unfortunately it didn't change a thing. This will be a start of something that will turn out great. 

I'm pretty sure she knows she has a weight problem, so it's not like you're breaking the news to her.

Just let her know that you want to help.  It can be tough with women sometimes because they perceive "help" to be "sympathy" rather than actually helping.  I guess the first step would be finding out what's gone wrong.

Quote from: TWilliams19750420 on Tue Nov 20, 2012 - 16:04:42
I am struggling with my spouses continual disregard for health, well being, and attractiveness. Long story short - When we wre dating we both were atheletes. She was 5'-0" and 115 pounds. Many years later she is somewhere in the 235 pound range. This is't typical post pregnancy, aging weight, but a doubling of original weight. At age 37 she now has GERD, sleep apnea (uses a CPAP), urinary incontinence, and arthritis. She has a history of heart disease and diabetes in her family. It's like watching a slow suicide. She cannot fold laundry or walk to the end of the driveway without breathing hard. She has in the past used excuses such as PCOS, thyroid, etc... I want to spend the remainder of our lives together, but I dread that will not be much longer.

So you ask why do I not do something about it? Simple - any mention of being overwight makes me the "shallow" husband that only cares what his spouse looks like. Now I do miss those days of my petite, athletic wife that could participate in physical activities with me, I would even go so far as saying I resent the fact that I have to do all my physical activites, (running, biking, basketball, coaching) without her. This obviously is causing us to grow apart since I am unwilling to forgo my need for physical activities.

How do I reverse this nasty trend of unhealthines without being the shallow husband?

I am in a similar circumstance myself.  For 9 years we have been married and I keep beating myself up over it.  I read over and over how this is how men are designed and we even did the His Needs Her Needs.  She knows I want her to lose weight and I am just afraid to bring it up anymore.  She will do exercise, (more than me in fact), but she does it for a short period of time and then stops.  I have asthma and try to work out with her but its tough.  I am not overweight though.  I firmly believe that one can lose weight by either diet or exercise or both and its just not happening with her.  I don't even know how to bring up the subject of marriage counseling either.

Regarding counseling and how to approach it, there are different ways.
You can tell your spouse that you are unhappy and you want to go to counseling together to strenghthen and preserve the marriage.
You can say as many have said " I'm going to counseling with or without you but I'd prefer to have us go together" but you have to mean it and go through with it.

I am in agreement with counseling (Christian counselor of course); if first you go without her it may show her your love and concern for her and your marriage.

I am pretty skeptical that counseling will help. I have seen several counselors over the last 12 years. 80% were worthless, including the Christian ones.

I totally understand your situation. My wife was 5ft 1/2 inch, 94 pounds when we met. Over the course of our 16 year marriage the most she ever hit was maybe 117. We have been split up for 3 years now and lately she has been hovering around 95 pounds which is too skinny for sure. Neither of us can put on weight now. We both don't have an appetite. Sometimes I wonder if God made us lose weight when we divorce to help us attract a new mate. 

At any rate, I was always worried that she would gain weight and I also thought that she wasn't showing love for me if she didn't stay in shape. I am very consistent about my own exercise regimen and eat very helathy (I'm a vegetarian). My views did not help my marriage together so I might not be any help. But it sounds like your wife really needs a wake up call. If it were me I would probably leave her. I would definitely rather still be married to my ex if she weighed 130. But above that I don't know.

To those who would say that she can't lose weight because of her disease I would ask this question. Why don't people in the Sudan who have that disease struggle with obesity?