Christian Forums

if you could start your marriage again, what would you change?
(advice for someone thinking about getting married!!)

We had to plan a quick wedding, so if I could do it over, I would do that differently (no, I was not pregnant - we were going through immigration and they have time limits). I have very fond memories of that time, though, so no regrets. The marriage - I would not change a thing! I do think there are two most important things - make sure you choose a partner who is quick to make amends/reconcile (humility), and vows - make sure you write exactly the vows you are willing to keep.

Come to think of it, if you are young and it is your first marriage, do your homework. Find a solid marriage preparation seminar or workshop - not just the "pre-marriage counselling" you get from the pastor who marries you. Learn all you can about what will make the marriage work. Most people will invest thousands into a wedding, but little to nothing into a solid marital foundation.

Quote from: diamond17 on Tue Nov 27, 2012 - 19:35:23
if you could start your marriage again, what would you change?
(advice for someone thinking about getting married!!)

What do you mean by 'start your marriage again?'.

I don't know about starting my marriage again, but one of the biggest pieces of advice that I would give somebody getting married (besides sharing your faith) is just share the little stuff that doesn't matter to anybody but the two of you.  I really think the ability to laugh with and at each other has been one of the strongest bonds that my husband and I have shared.  Inside jokes and what you might call inside traditions help keep you close.  My husband and I play a hand-held solitaire game that we keep in the bathroom.  He plays with sound on and I play with it off so we always know who played last.  We never finish a winning game but leave the last king for the other one.  When he was in a coma and  not expected to live I refused to touch that game  until he came home from the hospital.  It was ours and it mattered.

Quote"What do you mean by 'start your marriage again?'."

*yawns* Yeah, I do not get that, either......

diamond17, Once you're married you can't re-marry again EVER...  you're a new believer?

Well, I'll try to answer anyway because your question really works for my situation, I guess.

I believe I changed lots of things about me AFTER I got married. I thought I just can marry the person I loved no matter what. I was wrong about it...
 
There would be a lot of things that I'd change if I could find a way to fix my marriage. 

Before I was a Christian, I was into many wrong relationships.  You could say my life was a debauchery according to the bible. I also did not understand everything about how to live as a Christian... I was struggling a lot. My husband is very faithful man and he is also a minister. He walked a completely different path, and he expected me to be a completely different person in Christ.

He was very very controlling. I wish I could change that about him. But well, I just realized after many conversations with Christians here that it is not easy to be a Christian. I loved Jesus a lot, but I always found it difficult to live as a Christian. There were certain things about me that I just knew they are considered taboo in Christianity. I only found out about it few months ago! So, I'm 'trying' to make more difficult changes in my life and I hope that will fix my marriage one day...

I hope that helps because I do not really understand your question. 

Quote from: +Lily+ on Tue Nov 27, 2012 - 22:37:26

Quote"What do you mean by 'start your marriage again?'."

*yawns* Yeah, I do not get that, either......

diamond17, Once you're married you can't re-marry again EVER...  you're a new believer?

Well, I'll try to answer anyway because your question really works for my situation, I guess.

I believe I changed lots of things about me AFTER I got married. I thought I just can marry the person I loved no matter what. I was wrong about it...
 
There would be a lot of things that I'd change if I could find a way to fix my marriage. 

Before I was a Christian, I was into many wrong relationships.  You could say my life was a debauchery according to the bible. I also did not understand everything about how to live as a Christian... I was struggling a lot. My husband is very faithful man and he is also a minister. He walked a completely different path, and he expected me to be a completely different person in Christ.

He was very very controlling. I wish I could change that about him. But well, I just realized after many conversations with Christians here that it is not easy to be a Christian. I loved Jesus a lot, but I always found it difficult to live as a Christian. There were certain things about me that I just knew they are considered taboo in Christianity. I only found out about it few months ago! So, I'm 'trying' to make more difficult changes in my life and I hope that will fix my marriage one day...

I hope that helps because I do not really understand your question.

Lily you will get there.   One step at a time

Quote from: diamond17 on Tue Nov 27, 2012 - 19:35:23
if you could start your marriage again, what would you change?
(advice for someone thinking about getting married!!)

If I had to start my marriage over again, I would stay in our cute little two bedroom apartment 2 blocks from work, and resist the call of my eyes---bigger than my wallet---to purchase a brand new house within 6 months of being married and buying a second car to get to work, and within 2 years find myself not working, a mother of a wee infant, and being foreclosed upon, due to a housing downturn, and both my husband and I experiencing reversals in our jobs, which has affected our lives ever since, both financially and emotionally. Our marriage has always remained strong and did gain amazing strength through that adversity, but the stress and the years of renting and having to move many times because the rent kept increasing was a major stress for my husband and myself and the children.

We ran ahead of God.

I wouldnt change anything. My husband and I married in our late 40's. Both had been in long first marriages that ended for Biblical reasons. We both had many issues and hurts and loads of baggage, along with 5 children in total(between 18 and 27 then). Not easy at all, but he is the best man ever, and after 7 years it just gets better and better. He has a brilliant relationship with my children, and as they dont see their blood father, he has taken on that role. I knew within a week of meeting him that he was 'the one' and have never ever regretted for a second marrying him. The last years with him have been by far the happiest of my adult life. 

I would say not to marry too young,(I was 19 first time) and NEVER to marry a non believer.

Hi,
Sorry for the confusing question! Me and my boyfriend are both Christians, and yes, Lily, I am a new believer, but I know that marriage is for ever!! We believe that God has brought us together, and wants us to get married, and what I was kind of trying to ask was whether anyone had any advice or tips or anything for starting a marriage on a good foundation - kind of insipred by a post in the general forum by a guy reading the Bible to his newborn baby - SO cute, but not something you'd necessarily think of! I don't know, stuff like the solitaire game makewecasa plays (brilliant idea!!)... everyone on this forum seems to have problems, and I was hoping people might share some wisdom to help us to troubleshoot these problems before they become massive issues!
Thanks!! xx

Quote from: diamond17 on Wed Nov 28, 2012 - 07:28:27
Hi,
Sorry for the confusing question! Me and my boyfriend are both Christians, and yes, Lily, I am a new believer, but I know that marriage is for ever!! We believe that God has brought us together, and wants us to get married, and what I was kind of trying to ask was whether anyone had any advice or tips or anything for starting a marriage on a good foundation - kind of insipred by a post in the general forum by a guy reading the Bible to his newborn baby - SO cute, but not something you'd necessarily think of! I don't know, stuff like the solitaire game makewecasa plays (brilliant idea!!)... everyone on this forum seems to have problems, and I was hoping people might share some wisdom to help us to troubleshoot these problems before they become massive issues!
Thanks!! xx

When people come to a forum they often come because they have problems. You dont usually hear the good stories and about the good marriages.

Can I ask how old you are and how long you have known each other? Is he a committed Christian with intregrity, honesty and good moral values?

Remember that no matter what, there will always be challenges in a marriage no matter how much you try and prepare yourselves. A good premarriage counrse will help as well. I heard of one couple, who went to such a course, and they found out that one wanted children and one didnt   I have no idea how you can get to the point of seriously thinking about marriage without ever having talked about children, but there you are, it clearly happens.

We're both nineteen, but at uni - we don't want to get married until after we graduate (at 21). We met when we were seventeen, and have been together since we were eighteen (a year and a half). It doesn't sound like long, but we really believe that God put us together - we are perfect for each other, and have helped, and are still helping, each other to deal with so many problems. That sounds like a terrible base for a marriage lol, but I know that I can tell him anything, and that he will help and support me through tough times and that I can do the same for him. He is a good, committed, honest, moral Christian - he actually brought me to Christ, and had a lot of problems for dating a non-Christian along the way! But God wanted him to be with me, and He helped him through. Chosenone, I know you married at nineteen and regretted it from other posts, but I really believe God has brought me and my boyfriend together and that He wants us to marry - definitely thinking of Paul's 'better to marry than burn with desire' here lol - but also because I know when I'm with him that I'll spend the rest of my life with him.
I'm sure there will be loads of challenges and problems, but I genuinely cannot think of anyone I would rather deal with them with, or who could be better at dealing with them alongside me. Of course, we've got the added benefit of having God helping us out as well!
Wow about the couple on the premarriage course... that's shocking!! We're arguing out baby names at the moment hahaha...

Should probably add.... we're not arguing out baby names because I'm pregnant. Honest!! Lol! We just started talking about them!

If I had the Tardis (or other time machine) and could go back and do it again, the first thing would be to change congregations.  We stayed there another decade and it almost killed us as a couple/family.

They offered no premarital ANYTHING except to forbid us to:
1 spend time together
2 have sex
3 talk about sex

And that was after denying us permission to date/court. And then after we did get engaged, they kept moving our date around. (3 times) On the last one we already had artwork into the printer for the invitations but fortunately they had not yet finished the setup.

Since we were not allowed to talk about much of anything other than wedding plans, she had no idea that I was a survivor of severe physical abuse as a young kid and I had no idea she was a survivor of equally severe sexual abuse. 

I would make sure we went to a place that had a good counseling ministry so those issues could be addressed BEFORE we walked down the aisle.

Quote from: diamond17 on Wed Nov 28, 2012 - 08:41:25
We're both nineteen, but at uni - we don't want to get married until after we graduate (at 21). We met when we were seventeen, and have been together since we were eighteen (a year and a half). It doesn't sound like long, but we really believe that God put us together - we are perfect for each other, and have helped, and are still helping, each other to deal with so many problems. That sounds like a terrible base for a marriage lol, but I know that I can tell him anything, and that he will help and support me through tough times and that I can do the same for him. He is a good, committed, honest, moral Christian - he actually brought me to Christ, and had a lot of problems for dating a non-Christian along the way! But God wanted him to be with me, and He helped him through. Chosenone, I know you married at nineteen and regretted it from other posts, but I really believe God has brought me and my boyfriend together and that He wants us to marry - definitely thinking of Paul's 'better to marry than burn with desire' here lol - but also because I know when I'm with him that I'll spend the rest of my life with him.
I'm sure there will be loads of challenges and problems, but I genuinely cannot think of anyone I would rather deal with them with, or who could be better at dealing with them alongside me. Of course, we've got the added benefit of having God helping us out as well!
Wow about the couple on the premarriage course... that's shocking!! We're arguing out baby names at the moment hahaha...

I didnt regret marrying at 19 in many ways, as I did have 25 years of a pretty good marriage and three amazing children, the first at age 21, so no regrets on that score. I think that financially we did struggle with being so young, because housing etc is so expensive here in the UK. Also at that age you usually arent earing that much.

I did have 2 close friends who married at that age and they are still happily married 35 years later, BUT they did have older husbands. One was 4 years older and one 10 years older. In my experience of guys, (I have 2 brothers, a son and 2 step sons, as well as having been married twice) I have to say that I have never met a guy of 18-20 who is anywhere near mature enough for engagement/marriage.Thats just my take on it.

My son married last year at age 32. He got engaged at 30. He is a pretty sensible and mature guy, and yet he said that he didnt feel the time was right for him to marry till he was 30!  It may be that your guy is an exception   I hope so. My son and his wife were talking about childrens names on about their 3rd date!

Anyway you have plenty of time, and in 2 years you will have both matured more as well, and got to know each other even better

Me and my boyfriend live in the UK as well, I was actually wondering whether there's pre-marital counselling here? I've never really seen it in churches, at least not to the extent that it seems to be around in America. As far as I can tell, at my church it's just a chat with the vicar! My boyfriend's at a different church to me as well (he lives 100 miles away, but we go to each other's churches whenever we can), will that make it harder?

Quote from: diamond17 on Wed Nov 28, 2012 - 10:12:03
Me and my boyfriend live in the UK as well, I was actually wondering whether there's pre-marital counselling here? I've never really seen it in churches, at least not to the extent that it seems to be around in America. As far as I can tell, at my church it's just a chat with the vicar! My boyfriend's at a different church to me as well (he lives 100 miles away, but we go to each other's churches whenever we can), will that make it harder?

My son and his wife also lived quite a distance apart so had the same problem. However, she did move nearer to him a few months before they married, and so they were able to go to one then. Yes some churches do run premarriage courses, usually the larger ones, I will post the website. I am sure that you can go even if it isnt your church. I think they sometimes run them over one weekend as well.

Here is the link
http://relationshipcentral.org/marriage-preparation-course

Thank you!! :)

Quote"Lily, I am a new believer, but I know that marriage is for ever!! We believe that God has brought us together, and wants us to get married,"
I'm also a new believer. (Few years in my faith and marriage) And, just like you, my husband brought me to Christ and I truly believe God wanted us together.
"and what I was kind of trying to ask was whether anyone had any advice or tips or anything for starting a marriage on a good foundation - kind of insipred by a post in the general forum by a guy reading the Bible to his newborn baby - SO cute, but not something you'd necessarily think of! I don't know, stuff like the solitaire game makewecasa plays (brilliant idea!!)... everyone on this forum seems to have problems, and I was hoping people might share some wisdom to help us to troubleshoot these problems before they become massive issues!"

I'm also a new believer. (Few years in my faith and marriage) And, just like you, my husband brought me to Christ. I truly believe God wanted us together.

I think Chosen gave you good advice.

There is no marriage without some problems or challenges these days. But if you prepare for it, then there is no need to worry.

Quote"I heard of one couple, who went to such a course, and they found out that one wanted children and one didnt    I have no idea how you can get to the point of seriously thinking about marriage without ever having talked about children, but there you are, it clearly happens. "

You must love children a lot, chosen =)

I used to get sick when people ask me when I want to have kids... 

I'm not excited at all about children compared to my husband. He is very crazy about little kids. I won't say I do not love kids, but I think they can be so very annoying. it is a difficult task mothering a child in such an ugly world. Also pregnancy affects your body, life and everything. It is not always easy.

I am now not married but lately, I have been asking myself that question, 'what would you have done differently?'

I would have been more honest about my feelings and not held back.
When things troubled me, I would have spoken up about them, instead of always squashing it down.
I would have prayed together and sought God together for our future.  Instead, I think we chose our own path, that invited God along, but didn't give God centre-place.

So, I guess it boils down to communication, honesty and God-loving.  These three things I would have done differently.

Quote from: diamond17 on Tue Nov 27, 2012 - 19:35:23
if you could start your marriage again, what would you change?
(advice for someone thinking about getting married!!)

I'd move to a different State so that we never met in the first place.

Quote from: +Lily+ on Wed Nov 28, 2012 - 19:25:29

Quote"Lily, I am a new believer, but I know that marriage is for ever!! We believe that God has brought us together, and wants us to get married,"
I'm also a new believer. (Few years in my faith and marriage) And, just like you, my husband brought me to Christ and I truly believe God wanted us together.
"and what I was kind of trying to ask was whether anyone had any advice or tips or anything for starting a marriage on a good foundation - kind of insipred by a post in the general forum by a guy reading the Bible to his newborn baby - SO cute, but not something you'd necessarily think of! I don't know, stuff like the solitaire game makewecasa plays (brilliant idea!!)... everyone on this forum seems to have problems, and I was hoping people might share some wisdom to help us to troubleshoot these problems before they become massive issues!"

I'm also a new believer. (Few years in my faith and marriage) And, just like you, my husband brought me to Christ. I truly believe God wanted us together.

I think Chosen gave you good advice.

There is no marriage without some problems or challenges these days. But if you prepare for it, then there is no need to worry.

Quote"I heard of one couple, who went to such a course, and they found out that one wanted children and one didnt    I have no idea how you can get to the point of seriously thinking about marriage without ever having talked about children, but there you are, it clearly happens. "

You must love children a lot, chosen =)

I used to get sick when people ask me when I want to have kids... 

I'm not excited at all about children compared to my husband. He is very crazy about little kids. I won't say I do not love kids, but I think they can be so very annoying. it is a difficult task mothering a child in such an ugly world. Also pregnancy affects your body, life and everything. It is not always easy.

Yes I do love children. I always wanted to have them from a very young age, and had my first at age 21 second at 24 and third at 29. I am now looking forward to grandchildren, as my older 2 children both got married in the last 21 months.  They both would like to have 2 each. They are a lot older than I was when I married, so havent so much time to have more than two.
That must have added to your problems Lily that your husband wanted chidren and you didnt. Maybe he thought that you would change your mind?

Quote from: chosenone on Fri Nov 30, 2012 - 20:26:33

Quote from: +Lily+ on Wed Nov 28, 2012 - 19:25:29

Quote"Lily, I am a new believer, but I know that marriage is for ever!! We believe that God has brought us together, and wants us to get married,"
I'm also a new believer. (Few years in my faith and marriage) And, just like you, my husband brought me to Christ and I truly believe God wanted us together.
"and what I was kind of trying to ask was whether anyone had any advice or tips or anything for starting a marriage on a good foundation - kind of insipred by a post in the general forum by a guy reading the Bible to his newborn baby - SO cute, but not something you'd necessarily think of! I don't know, stuff like the solitaire game makewecasa plays (brilliant idea!!)... everyone on this forum seems to have problems, and I was hoping people might share some wisdom to help us to troubleshoot these problems before they become massive issues!"

I'm also a new believer. (Few years in my faith and marriage) And, just like you, my husband brought me to Christ. I truly believe God wanted us together.

I think Chosen gave you good advice.

There is no marriage without some problems or challenges these days. But if you prepare for it, then there is no need to worry.

Quote"I heard of one couple, who went to such a course, and they found out that one wanted children and one didnt    I have no idea how you can get to the point of seriously thinking about marriage without ever having talked about children, but there you are, it clearly happens. "

You must love children a lot, chosen =)

I used to get sick when people ask me when I want to have kids... 

I'm not excited at all about children compared to my husband. He is very crazy about little kids. I won't say I do not love kids, but I think they can be so very annoying. it is a difficult task mothering a child in such an ugly world. Also pregnancy affects your body, life and everything. It is not always easy.

Yes I do love children. I always wanted to have them from a very young age, and had my first at age 21 second at 24 and third at 29. I am now looking forward to grandchildren, as my older 2 children both got married in the last 21 months.  They both would like to have 2 each. They are a lot older than I was when I married, so havent so much time to have more than two.
That must have added to your problems Lily that your husband wanted chidren and you didnt. Maybe he thought that you would change your mind?

at age 21? that is cute.  but was it difficult?

QuoteThat must have added to your problems Lily that your husband wanted chidren and you didnt. Maybe he thought that you would change your mind?

I did change my mind, but probably it is too late to think about them now.

IMO that is probably the second biggest thing you better agree on, second only to being Christians.  I have seen several marriages where one spouse wanted kids and the other one didn't and the one who did thought the other one would change their mind.  It doesn't seem to happen that way very often.  My husband's cousin was that way and she suffered from depression as she got older because she had really wanted to be a mother.  She knew he didn't want kids but she was sure he would change his mind.  I've also seen a situation where the woman secretly quit taking the pill to get pregnant 'accidentally'.  They were divorced within two years.

Quote from: Makewecasa on Sun Dec 02, 2012 - 02:24:24
IMO that is probably the second biggest thing you better agree on, second only to being Christians.  I have seen several marriages where one spouse wanted kids and the other one didn't and the one who did thought the other one would change their mind.  It doesn't seem to happen that way very often.  My husband's cousin was that way and she suffered from depression as she got older because she had really wanted to be a mother.  She knew he didn't want kids but she was sure he would change his mind.  I've also seen a situation where the woman secretly quit taking the pill to get pregnant 'accidentally'.  They were divorced within two years.

Quoteshe suffered from depression as she got older because she had really wanted to be a mother

yeah that is sad... well I'm only in my late 20s So, i'm still young i think? ..... I can wait! =)

the reason why i said it is too late is because I'm separated :/

Quote from: White Blessing on Fri Nov 30, 2012 - 16:40:02

Quote from: diamond17 on Tue Nov 27, 2012 - 19:35:23
if you could start your marriage again, what would you change?
(advice for someone thinking about getting married!!)

I'd move to a different State so that we never met in the first place.

I could say that about many men i dated but not my husband 

Quote from: +Lily+ on Sun Dec 02, 2012 - 02:18:02

Quote from: chosenone on Fri Nov 30, 2012 - 20:26:33

Quote from: +Lily+ on Wed Nov 28, 2012 - 19:25:29

Quote"Lily, I am a new believer, but I know that marriage is for ever!! We believe that God has brought us together, and wants us to get married,"
I'm also a new believer. (Few years in my faith and marriage) And, just like you, my husband brought me to Christ and I truly believe God wanted us together.
"and what I was kind of trying to ask was whether anyone had any advice or tips or anything for starting a marriage on a good foundation - kind of insipred by a post in the general forum by a guy reading the Bible to his newborn baby - SO cute, but not something you'd necessarily think of! I don't know, stuff like the solitaire game makewecasa plays (brilliant idea!!)... everyone on this forum seems to have problems, and I was hoping people might share some wisdom to help us to troubleshoot these problems before they become massive issues!"

I'm also a new believer. (Few years in my faith and marriage) And, just like you, my husband brought me to Christ. I truly believe God wanted us together.

I think Chosen gave you good advice.

There is no marriage without some problems or challenges these days. But if you prepare for it, then there is no need to worry.

Quote"I heard of one couple, who went to such a course, and they found out that one wanted children and one didnt    I have no idea how you can get to the point of seriously thinking about marriage without ever having talked about children, but there you are, it clearly happens. "

You must love children a lot, chosen =)

I used to get sick when people ask me when I want to have kids... 

I'm not excited at all about children compared to my husband. He is very crazy about little kids. I won't say I do not love kids, but I think they can be so very annoying. it is a difficult task mothering a child in such an ugly world. Also pregnancy affects your body, life and everything. It is not always easy.

Yes I do love children. I always wanted to have them from a very young age, and had my first at age 21 second at 24 and third at 29. I am now looking forward to grandchildren, as my older 2 children both got married in the last 21 months.  They both would like to have 2 each. They are a lot older than I was when I married, so havent so much time to have more than two.
That must have added to your problems Lily that your husband wanted chidren and you didnt. Maybe he thought that you would change your mind?

at age 21? that is cute.  but was it difficult?

QuoteThat must have added to your problems Lily that your husband wanted chidren and you didnt. Maybe he thought that you would change your mind?

I did change my mind, but probably it is too late to think about them now.

Well it was difficult in that I had never even held a baby, and didnt know what to do with them.   However at that time many did have babies early. Two of my best friends also married at 19 and has their first child at 21 and we thought nothing of it. Its only now that people marry and have kids so much later.
They are three amazing young people, so I must have done something right.

Quote from: +Lily+ on Sun Dec 02, 2012 - 02:42:16

Quote from: Makewecasa on Sun Dec 02, 2012 - 02:24:24
IMO that is probably the second biggest thing you better agree on, second only to being Christians.  I have seen several marriages where one spouse wanted kids and the other one didn't and the one who did thought the other one would change their mind.  It doesn't seem to happen that way very often.  My husband's cousin was that way and she suffered from depression as she got older because she had really wanted to be a mother.  She knew he didn't want kids but she was sure he would change his mind.  I've also seen a situation where the woman secretly quit taking the pill to get pregnant 'accidentally'.  They were divorced within two years.

Quoteshe suffered from depression as she got older because she had really wanted to be a mother

yeah that is sad... well I'm only in my late 20s So, i'm still young i think? ..... I can wait! =)

the reason why i said it is too late is because I'm separated :/

Not its not too late lily. My 2 older children got married in the last 21 months, and one is 34 and his wife is 30, and the other is 32 and her husband is 33. They are both hoping to have a couple of children. A friend of ours just had her first child at age 42 and her husband is 45. Not that I would want to have a child that late, but there you go.

Quote from: chosenone on Sun Dec 02, 2012 - 03:23:46

Quote from: +Lily+ on Sun Dec 02, 2012 - 02:18:02

Quote from: chosenone on Fri Nov 30, 2012 - 20:26:33

Quote from: +Lily+ on Wed Nov 28, 2012 - 19:25:29

Quote"Lily, I am a new believer, but I know that marriage is for ever!! We believe that God has brought us together, and wants us to get married,"
I'm also a new believer. (Few years in my faith and marriage) And, just like you, my husband brought me to Christ and I truly believe God wanted us together.
"and what I was kind of trying to ask was whether anyone had any advice or tips or anything for starting a marriage on a good foundation - kind of insipred by a post in the general forum by a guy reading the Bible to his newborn baby - SO cute, but not something you'd necessarily think of! I don't know, stuff like the solitaire game makewecasa plays (brilliant idea!!)... everyone on this forum seems to have problems, and I was hoping people might share some wisdom to help us to troubleshoot these problems before they become massive issues!"

I'm also a new believer. (Few years in my faith and marriage) And, just like you, my husband brought me to Christ. I truly believe God wanted us together.

I think Chosen gave you good advice.

There is no marriage without some problems or challenges these days. But if you prepare for it, then there is no need to worry.

Quote"I heard of one couple, who went to such a course, and they found out that one wanted children and one didnt    I have no idea how you can get to the point of seriously thinking about marriage without ever having talked about children, but there you are, it clearly happens. "

You must love children a lot, chosen =)

I used to get sick when people ask me when I want to have kids... 

I'm not excited at all about children compared to my husband. He is very crazy about little kids. I won't say I do not love kids, but I think they can be so very annoying. it is a difficult task mothering a child in such an ugly world. Also pregnancy affects your body, life and everything. It is not always easy.

Yes I do love children. I always wanted to have them from a very young age, and had my first at age 21 second at 24 and third at 29. I am now looking forward to grandchildren, as my older 2 children both got married in the last 21 months.  They both would like to have 2 each. They are a lot older than I was when I married, so havent so much time to have more than two.
That must have added to your problems Lily that your husband wanted chidren and you didnt. Maybe he thought that you would change your mind?

at age 21? that is cute.  but was it difficult?

QuoteThat must have added to your problems Lily that your husband wanted chidren and you didnt. Maybe he thought that you would change your mind?

I did change my mind, but probably it is too late to think about them now.

Well it was difficult in that I had never even held a baby, and didnt know what to do with them.   However at that time many did have babies early. Two of my best friends also married at 19 and has their first child at 21 and we thought nothing of it. Its only now that people marry and have kids so much later.
They are three amazing young people, so I must have done something right.

QuoteIts only now that people marry and have kids so much later.

that is old news now...

People these days do not want children at all...believe me
 
I want kids later in life 

QuoteNot its not too late lily

That means I can still have hope that my husband will forgive me?

Quote from: +Lily+ on Sun Dec 02, 2012 - 03:41:12

Quote from: chosenone on Sun Dec 02, 2012 - 03:23:46

Quote from: +Lily+ on Sun Dec 02, 2012 - 02:18:02

Quote from: chosenone on Fri Nov 30, 2012 - 20:26:33

Quote from: +Lily+ on Wed Nov 28, 2012 - 19:25:29

Quote"Lily, I am a new believer, but I know that marriage is for ever!! We believe that God has brought us together, and wants us to get married,"
I'm also a new believer. (Few years in my faith and marriage) And, just like you, my husband brought me to Christ and I truly believe God wanted us together.
"and what I was kind of trying to ask was whether anyone had any advice or tips or anything for starting a marriage on a good foundation - kind of insipred by a post in the general forum by a guy reading the Bible to his newborn baby - SO cute, but not something you'd necessarily think of! I don't know, stuff like the solitaire game makewecasa plays (brilliant idea!!)... everyone on this forum seems to have problems, and I was hoping people might share some wisdom to help us to troubleshoot these problems before they become massive issues!"

I'm also a new believer. (Few years in my faith and marriage) And, just like you, my husband brought me to Christ. I truly believe God wanted us together.

I think Chosen gave you good advice.

There is no marriage without some problems or challenges these days. But if you prepare for it, then there is no need to worry.

Quote"I heard of one couple, who went to such a course, and they found out that one wanted children and one didnt    I have no idea how you can get to the point of seriously thinking about marriage without ever having talked about children, but there you are, it clearly happens. "

You must love children a lot, chosen =)

I used to get sick when people ask me when I want to have kids... 

I'm not excited at all about children compared to my husband. He is very crazy about little kids. I won't say I do not love kids, but I think they can be so very annoying. it is a difficult task mothering a child in such an ugly world. Also pregnancy affects your body, life and everything. It is not always easy.

Yes I do love children. I always wanted to have them from a very young age, and had my first at age 21 second at 24 and third at 29. I am now looking forward to grandchildren, as my older 2 children both got married in the last 21 months.  They both would like to have 2 each. They are a lot older than I was when I married, so havent so much time to have more than two.
That must have added to your problems Lily that your husband wanted chidren and you didnt. Maybe he thought that you would change your mind?

at age 21? that is cute.  but was it difficult?

QuoteThat must have added to your problems Lily that your husband wanted chidren and you didnt. Maybe he thought that you would change your mind?

I did change my mind, but probably it is too late to think about them now.

Well it was difficult in that I had never even held a baby, and didnt know what to do with them.   However at that time many did have babies early. Two of my best friends also married at 19 and has their first child at 21 and we thought nothing of it. Its only now that people marry and have kids so much later.
They are three amazing young people, so I must have done something right.

QuoteIts only now that people marry and have kids so much later.

that is old news now...

People these days do not want children at all...believe me
 
I want kids later in life 

QuoteNot its not too late lily

That means I can still have hope that my husband will forgive me?

Yes of course.

It may be old news but the age is still getting later and later at when people marry and have kids.
I dont agree that most people dont want children. In fact I dont know  any young couple who dont want, or havent already got, children.

Quote from: +Lily+ on Sun Dec 02, 2012 - 03:41:12
That means I can still have hope that my husband will forgive me?

Absolutely.  He is a believer and if he is truly following the Lord, he will HAVE to forgive you. Unforgiveness is a sin and not an option for the true believer.

You may even hold out hope for a full reconciliation, at least until (read "if") he decides to divorce you and marry someone else.

Lilly - I posted our pastor's message from this past weekend here in the Marriage forum. I encourage you to read the entire message and not just the short clip posted (link is included) You may find it useful.

Quote from: DaveW on Mon Dec 03, 2012 - 07:31:11

Quote from: +Lily+ on Sun Dec 02, 2012 - 03:41:12
That means I can still have hope that my husband will forgive me?

Absolutely.  He is a believer and if he is truly following the Lord, he will HAVE to forgive you. Unforgiveness is a sin and not an option for the true believer.

You may even hold out hope for a full reconciliation, at least until (read "if") he decides to divorce you and marry someone else.

Lilly - I posted our pastor's message from this past weekend here in the Marriage forum. I encourage you to read the entire message and not just the short clip posted (link is included) You may find it useful.

well it sounds like you're saying forgiveness and reconciliation are separate entities.

Quote"At least until (read "if") he decides to divorce you and marry someone else."

If that happens, I really have to respect his decision, but I wonder if I'll be able to dance the pain away, or it will awaken a new disaster inside of me? Only God knows.

I do not believe my husband thinks that way. But, I just do not know if he won't change his mind because I have to tell him about new issues now and I'm sure it will hurt him. Sounds like I'll ask him to go counselling with me next month, or maybe only for myself if he does not want to.
 
Yes, I'll read the article you posted. Thank you Dave! =)

Quotewell it sounds like you're saying forgiveness and reconciliation are separate entities.

Indeed they are separate.

Forgiveness is the settlement of a debt owed.  "You did this to me and you owe me!"  To forgive is to write off that debt.  It is a simple decision and commitment to go on as though the debt was never owed.  It is entirely one-sided.

Reconciliation or restoration of the relationship is another matter altogether.  Not only must forgiveness happen first, restoration requires both parties involved to confess and repent, and to continue to forgive.  Then both can start to rebuild trust. It is not simple nor is it speedy. It takes time, often a LOT of time.