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Some days, I feel like I will simply never get over it, never love again, never be able to even be attracted to another person again.

My friends who have been through terrible heartaches and divorce, tell me this is a fairly common feeling.

Today, I could really do with some encouragement!  Did anyone here go through a terrible loss, and then later learn how to love again?  I'd just love to hear stories from people who had their heart crushed, but later met someone else and moved on.    Is it possible?

Everyone tells me it is - I just don't see how, today!   

Your friends are right. You may eventually be able to love again. How long has it been? Maybe it would be helpful to find a church in your area that offers Divorce Care - a program designed to work through the grief associated with divorce.

By the time my first husband (and father of my child) and I discussed divorce, I was so full of resentment that it was almost a relief. I grieved that my marriage was over, but certainly didn't miss him. I had determined it would take a full two years before I should start thinking about dating again. In reality, it took 2.5 years.

Then I started dating someone I had grown up with. It was much different than with my ex. This was love on a whole new level for me. There was a spiritual connection. Even miles away I could sense things I should not have been able to know (like when he had a seizure). The relationship was most amazing, and I was devastated when he died. I was not present, but I still knew because it felt like I had been cut in half in my spirit. Losing this kind of love was much harder for me to grieve than my divorce. It took a full 8 years before I actually decided I had it in me to love again, and another two years after that before I found and married my current husband.

I absolutely love my husband and I know the love he has for me. I now honour the years I had with my son's father, as well as those amazing years with my boyfriend, and I remember them with warm fondness. But I would not trade my current husband for either of them. They both had their place in my life, and at the right times.

One thing I do have to say, though, is that I also treasure those years of being single. My focus was not on finding a mate. My focus was on the Lord Jesus, recovering from grief, and rebuilding my life. I had time and energy to do things I could not have done had I been with someone, and I raised my son on my own. Those were good years.

Recovering from loss takes time. Put your energy into healing, and every time you feel it getting you down, take your thoughts captive - chain them to the Lord Jesus. That is where you will find healing, strength, and yes, even joy and peace.

I think there are a few people here who can say they had heartbreak and found love later. I know chosenone has a story like that, and 

I think time is really your only answer. There is no quick fix to a huge heartbreak. Getting right into a new relationship isn't an answer, and can cause more problems. Heal slowly, pray hard, and wait patiently for what good things may come next. When you are interested, a christian dating website might be the place to go.

Gracey, yes Anx is right. I had a very sudden and deeply traumatic ending to my 23 year marriage. I was crushed, devastated and broken. I only managed to carry on because I was all that my three children had. For a very long time(about 3 years) I could see no future of any kind, let alone another relationship. I survived day by day, barely coping and barely getting by.  It was 4 years before I felt able to consider another relationship, and 2 years after that (so 6 years in all) that I met my husband. We have been happliy married now for over 7 years.
So yes, healing does come and new love can happen, and there is life after divorce. Not only that, but a much better life. God is a God of new beginnings and fresh starts and also He restores all that we have had taken away.
God Bless you.

Yikes, this invisible posting thing is a pain! I spent a long time composing, it did not go through, so I clicked the back button and copied (thank goodness it was still there!), then tried again. It said on the main page that I replied, but it was not there.

Then computer had to reboot and it was all lost. So all that work, and.....nothing! So here it goes again, but I am running out of time, so this is the gist of it:

It was easier for me to deal with the grief from my divorce because there was a lot of resentment. I grieved the loss of marriage, but not losing HIM. When it happened, I set my mind to give myself at least two years to get over it. It took 2.5 before I was ready to start dating again, but I loved my freedom.

I met up with someone I grew up with and got into a relationship with him. Our love was God-given, and we had a spiritual connection I had never known before. There was depth and quality in our relationship, and I was devastated when he died. Again, I gave myself two years, but it took 8 years before I finally decided I did not want to grow old alone. It took another two years to find and marry my current husband.

Although recovering from both divorce and death is painfully devastating, I absolutely treasure those single years as times of dedicated focus on the things that mattered to me: my relationship with the Lord Jesus, raising my son, and establishing my career. They were amazing years, and now I have years of a different type of amazing - reciprocated love with a man who is one of the godliest men I know.

I assume this is your invisible post?

Quote from: Janice on Fri Jan 04, 2013 - 14:04:07
Your friends are right. You may eventually be able to love again. How long has it been? Maybe it would be helpful to find a church in your area that offers Divorce Care - a program designed to work through the grief associated with divorce.

By the time my first husband (and father of my child) and I discussed divorce, I was so full of resentment that it was almost a relief. I grieved that my marriage was over, but certainly didn't miss him. I had determined it would take a full two years before I should start thinking about dating again. In reality, it took 2.5 years.

Then I started dating someone I had grown up with. It was much different than with my ex. This was love on a whole new level for me. There was a spiritual connection. Even miles away I could sense things I should not have been able to know (like when he had a seizure). The relationship was most amazing, and I was devastated when he died. I was not present, but I still knew because it felt like I had been cut in half in my spirit. Losing this kind of love was much harder for me to grieve than my divorce. It took a full 8 years before I actually decided I had it in me to love again, and another two years after that before I found and married my current husband.

I absolutely love my husband and I know the love he has for me. I now honour the years I had with my son's father, as well as those amazing years with my boyfriend, and I remember them with warm fondness. But I would not trade my current husband for either of them. They both had their place in my life, and at the right times.

One thing I do have to say, though, is that I also treasure those years of being single. My focus was not on finding a mate. My focus was on the Lord Jesus, recovering from grief, and rebuilding my life. I had time and energy to do things I could not have done had I been with someone, and I raised my son on my own. Those were good years.

Recovering from loss takes time. Put your energy into healing, and every time you feel it getting you down, take your thoughts captive - chain them to the Lord Jesus. That is where you will find healing, strength, and yes, even joy and peace.

Thank you so much.  It has been less than a year and unfortunately, we have had a lot of contact.  A few months ago, he pretty much admitted he'd made a mistake and I hung on to hope that he would do something about it, but he didn't seem able to move forward - so my grieving has been very much stop and start, stop and start.

Today, I felt like I needed to let go, yet again and it just feels SO impossible.  But I know that I have no choice, but to entrust him to God and if God wills it, then great, but if not, He has a Plan B.

I did try internet dating but realised the first time that a guy asked to meet me, that I wasn't ready so I finished up at the site.

I know people older than me will think I am being silly, but I am 37 and I feel like maybe all the good men now are taken!   

Thank you, Dave, yes.

Gracey, I hear you! I honestly thought all the good men were taken as well, and the older you get, the more competition there is, too. We are starting out at a disadvantage with there being more women in the world than men. Add to that more men are in our prisons, away for military duty, etc, and that number goes down even further. Add to that there are a lot of men who live in the northern territories and state, and there are even fewer. And for Christians, there are even fewer men who have Christian passion....yes, it is hard to find a good man.

I found mine on a Christian discussion forum when I was 46. You know a man loves you when he is willing to give up his home, job, life, and move 3,000 miles internationally to be with you.

Give yourself time. You will find yourself going back and forth, one day ready, next day not so much. When my first husband and I were divorcing, he asked to reconcile two years after he first left, admitting he regretted his decision to leave. I figured I would try because it was my marriage, but I found that during our long separation, I had changed and he either changed differently or did not change at all. All I know is that my hope for our marriage died after about two weeks of "reconciliation." By then my resentment was gone, but so was my tolerance for his inappropriate behaviours and attitudes.

You will know when you are ready, but don't expect anything to happen immediately after you are ready. Be prayerful and deliberate about dating. Be prayerful about becoming who God wants you to be, whether that is with another husband or as a single person. And by prayerful now about the idea of another husband. I prayed that IF it is God's will, I would love to be married again, but that I would not compromise my needs in a husband (for one who loves God above all else, keeps himself and his relationships with other women pure, that he is teachable and soft in his heart, that he is stable in his faith and his mind, etc, etc.).

Anyway, I am just prattling now.... be encouraged. There is an end to the grief, and one day you will suddenly realize that you are ready.

Quote from: Gracey on Fri Jan 04, 2013 - 16:46:38
Thank you so much.  It has been less than a year and unfortunately, we have had a lot of contact.  A few months ago, he pretty much admitted he'd made a mistake and I hung on to hope that he would do something about it, but he didn't seem able to move forward - so my grieving has been very much stop and start, stop and start.

Today, I felt like I needed to let go, yet again and it just feels SO impossible.  But I know that I have no choice, but to entrust him to God and if God wills it, then great, but if not, He has a Plan B.

I did try internet dating but realised the first time that a guy asked to meet me, that I wasn't ready so I finished up at the site.

I know people older than me will think I am being silly, but I am 37 and I feel like maybe all the good men now are taken!   

I would consider anyone else until you know for sure that your marriage is completely over. It sounds as if you are in limbo at the moment still wanting him back but not thinking it will happen, and while you are like that you cannot even begin to heal or move on, let alone be ready to meet anyone else. The more contact that you have, the harder it will be to heal and move on. Jim Smoke has worked with and counselled many many divorced people and started the divorce recovery workshop. He says that you need to stop all contact unless there are small children, and even then make it as infrequent as possible.

Quote from: chosenone on Sun Jan 06, 2013 - 16:04:10
Jim Smoke has worked with and counselled many many divorced people and started the divorce recovery workshop. He says that you need to stop all contact unless there are small children, and even then make it as infrequent as possible.

Yes, I think I am learning this the hard way.   I have been scared to lose contact because in my mind, that would mean losing him for good, but over Christmas, it happened naturally anyway.  Since then, there has been not so much contact and there have been times where I have panicked and wanted to contact him....and yet that still, small voice seems to keep telling me to back off, to go away, to focus first on my relationship with Jesus.

And there is SO much confirmation to point to that - everywhere I turn, it's like God is saying one of several different things, buit chiefly, 'He who started a work, will complete it' and secondly, 'Leave it alone....butt out....God doesn't need your help'.

And today, for the first time in a long time, I could see a future without him, but I also knew that God wanted me to leave it alone, to not be afraid to lose contact and to keep moving forward in my life.

The journey with God is a tough one - but it has a lot of rewards!

QuoteThe journey with God is a tough one - but it has a lot of rewards!

So true!