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My wife had a breast reduction a few weeks ago. She had mentioned having one maybe 5 or 6 times in our 17 year marriage. I never dreamt in a million years that she would actually have one. Way back in the summer she went for a consultation with a plastic surgeon. When she came back, all she said was that it was very scary. She never mentioned it again. I thought the situation had resolved itself.

Flash forward 6 months. She told me on a Sunday night after church that she was having one two days later, and that I wasn't going with her to the surgery. This thing was totally off my radar. We never discussed it one single time. I was more hurt by by her not wanting me there. When she got home, and after a few days I saw them, I was actually more hurt by her not preparing for how serious and evasive this surgery really is.

I understand that they were causing her pain. I love my wife, and I am glad they are gone if they were hurting her back. I would love her without breast. I'm not going to lie about, I liked her natural breast better. My hang up is how she went about it. We are married. She didn't come home from a shopping spree. She came home with new breast.

I am having some pretty serious resentment issues. She said she knew I would be freaked out, so she just avoided what she thought would be the worst part. I'm sorry to say the worst part is having a wife that will hide from you to a breast reduction. I've lost all respect for her. It's bleeding over into everything that we do. It's the first marital problem we have ever had.

I see it as a respect and honor issue. It has became like a snow ball rolling down a hill. I dread the thought of being around her. We were so happy for so many years. I don't see how I could resent someone I love.

Quote from: Angus on Tue Jan 29, 2013 - 15:34:40
My wife had a breast reduction a few weeks ago. She had mentioned having one maybe 5 or 6 times in our 17 year marriage. I never dreamt in a million years that she would actually have one. Way back in the summer she went for a consultation with a plastic surgeon. When she came back, all she said was that it was very scary. She never mentioned it again. I thought the situation had resolved itself.

Flash forward 6 months. She told me on a Sunday night after church that she was having one two days later, and that I wasn't going with her to the surgery. This thing was totally off my radar. We never discussed it one single time. I was more hurt by by her not wanting me there. When she got home, and after a few days I saw them, I was actually more hurt by her not preparing for how serious and evasive this surgery really is.

I understand that they were causing her pain. I love my wife, and I am glad they are gone if they were hurting her back. I would love her without breast. I'm not going to lie about, I liked her natural breast better. My hang up is how she went about it. We are married. She didn't come home from a shopping spree. She came home with new breast.

I am having some pretty serious resentment issues. She said she knew I would be freaked out, so she just avoided what she thought would be the worst part. I'm sorry to say the worst part is having a wife that will hide from you to a breast reduction. I've lost all respect for her. It's bleeding over into everything that we do. It's the first marital problem we have ever had.

I see it as a respect and honor issue. It has became like a snow ball rolling down a hill. I dread the thought of being around her. We were so happy for so many years. I don't see how I could resent someone I love.

wow.

So, perhaps you should try forgiving her for what you perceive as a sin against you?

It wasn't personal.  She was in agony and didn't want further agony by having an argument about it.

Her worth should be more than this.  Tell her how you feel, but then let.it.go.   

Its important to remember that forgiveness is so important to God.  Nothing another person does to us even measures a blip on the radar compared to what our sin cost Christ. He freely forgives us when our sin cost Him everything.

You said she knew you would freak out if she told you she was going to have it done. Right there that tells me you made it clear at some point you didn't want her to have it done. Your wife is more than the sum of her parts.

Yes. When the subject did come up, I said I thought it was a bad idea. I think the freak out part comes from me being Squimish. I can't seem to get to the forgiving part. I feel decieved.

Quote from: Angus on Tue Jan 29, 2013 - 16:10:09
Yes. When the subject did come up, I said I thought it was a bad idea. I think the freak out part comes from me being Squimish. I can't seem to get to the forgiving part. I feel decieved.

How so?

Perhaps this will help you with forgiveness:

Matthew 18 

23"Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. 24 As he began the settlement, a man who owed him ten thousand talentsg was brought to him. 25 Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt.

26"The servant fell on his knees before him. 'Be patient with me,' he begged, 'and I will pay back everything.' 27The servant's master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go.

28"But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii.h He grabbed him and began to choke him. 'Pay back what you owe me!' he demanded.

29"His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, 'Be patient with me, and I will pay you back.'

30"But he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt. 31When the other servants saw what had happened, they were greatly distressed and went and told their master everything that had happened.

32"Then the master called the servant in. 'You wicked servant,' he said, 'I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. 33Shouldn't you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?' 34In anger his master turned him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed.

35"This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother from your heart."

Your wife was in pain and suffering because of this. She talked to you about it ,made it clear that she wanted to have it done, and you said that you didn't want her to have it done. So her choice (as she saw it) was to go on suffering and being in pain, or to have the op without consulting you, although she did tell you before she had the op.

To her it probably felt that the size of her breasts was more important to you than her health and well being, which would not have made her feel very loved or important or cherished.

She may need to forgive you for not being concerned enough about her health and well being, and you need to forgive her for not consulting you.(although what was the point if you would just say no regardless)

No one would go through such an operation as breast reduction unless they had got so fed up with the discomfort and pain that it seemed like the only alternative.

The scars will fade and they will look a lot better as time goes by.

I'm still left with the hang up of not wanting me there for the surgery. I also think as her husband she should have told me how serious the surgery was. I think any surgery she was going to have I would have had the same reaction. Yea the fact that it was her breast makes it a tickelish subject for a man. I did like her old breast better. If she went in for a breast enlargement my reaction would be the same. I would still like her old ones better.

Quote from: Angus on Tue Jan 29, 2013 - 17:16:50
I'm still left with the hang up of not wanting me there for the surgery. I also think as her husband she should have told me how serious the surgery was. I think any surgery she was going to have I would have had the same reaction. Yea the fact that it was her breast makes it a tickelish subject for a man. I did like her old breast better. If she went in for a breast enlargement my reaction would be the same. I would still like her old ones better.

But, what good comes now from dwelling on all that you dislike?  She can't change anything now.  All you can do is share that it hurt you to be excluded from being there for her. And, ask her if it were to come up again, to not leave you in the dark and then...apologize for making her feel that she couldn't come to you openly about this.  I had to do this with one of my kids the other day. I don't see things the way he did, but it did no good to prove myself "right". I just told him I was sorry for making him feel that he couldn't share with me.

Very many surgeries are serious procedures. She probably figured you knew that and she did tell you her consultation was very scary.

It's just hard to figure that we have never had one single problem in our marriage, and all of a sudden there are things I don't need to know. Especially serious matters. We talk about everything. In almost 20 years the subject truthfully only came up a few times.

Quote from: Angus on Tue Jan 29, 2013 - 17:58:02
It's just hard to figure that we have never had one single problem in our marriage, and all of a sudden there are things I don't need to know. Especially serious matters. We talk about everything. In almost 20 years the subject truthfully only came up a few times.

Not one? Really? In almost twenty years?

I heard that if a marriage is overly peaceful with no problems, it really isn't a very healthy marriage because honest communication isn't taking place.

Anyway, she didn't keep it from you completely.  She TOLD you, but you "thought the situation had resolved itself".  So, she sort of "sprung" the surgery on you...its over now.  Move on! Be thankful she is alive and well and that her health will be better! 

Quote from: chosenone on Tue Jan 29, 2013 - 16:25:22
No one would go through such an operation as breast reduction unless they had got so fed up with the discomfort and pain that it seemed like the only alternative.

That is not the only reason.  This year's Miss DC (Miss America pagent) is planning a full double mastectomy if she does not win to avoid a possibility of developing cancer later in life.

http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/america-contestant-preemptive-double-mastectomy-article-1.1238774

BTW - Miss New York won the contest so I guess the surgery is on.

It's hard for me to get a place where I can make sense of her actions. I guess I don't have to understand to live with the outcome. I like logic. I always have. We have always discussed everything. I know they are her breast. I'm not a caveman. I would think any self respecting husband would want their wife to discuss something as important as a breast reduction. I really liked her old breast, but I don't think that is as much of a point as having a major reconstructive surgery without telling me what to expect to see when the bandages come off. I see no explanation what so ever for not wanting me at the surgery.

Quote from: DaveW on Wed Jan 30, 2013 - 06:06:26

Quote from: chosenone on Tue Jan 29, 2013 - 16:25:22
No one would go through such an operation as breast reduction unless they had got so fed up with the discomfort and pain that it seemed like the only alternative.

That is not the only reason.  This year's Miss DC (Miss America pagent) is planning a full double mastectomy if she does not win to avoid a possibility of developing cancer later in life.

http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/america-contestant-preemptive-double-mastectomy-article-1.1238774

BTW - Miss New York won the contest so I guess the surgery is on.

I saw a programme about that the other day, and the ladies who did this, were delighted with their new reconstructed breasts, and obviously didnt feel they were living with a ticking time bomb any more.

Quote from: Angus on Wed Jan 30, 2013 - 09:01:37
It's hard for me to get a place where I can make sense of her actions. I guess I don't have to understand to live with the outcome. I like logic. I always have. We have always discussed everything. I know they are her breast. I'm not a caveman. I would think any self respecting husband would want their wife to discuss something as important as a breast reduction. I really liked her old breast, but I don't think that is as much of a point as having a major reconstructive surgery without telling me what to expect to see when the bandages come off. I see no explanation what so ever for not wanting me at the surgery.

Angus how could she discuss it when you had already said that you didnt want her to have it?
After she told you that she was going to have it, you could easily have done some research about the operation and what it involves on line.

Stupid me pictured some kind of liposuction deal. She was two days post op when I googled it. Very shocking. Literally looked like they had been attacked by a machete. It was a couple weeks in before I saw hers. 

Quote from: Angus on Wed Jan 30, 2013 - 09:37:09
Stupid me pictured some kind of liposuction deal. She was two days post op when I googled it. Very shocking. Literally looked like they had been attacked by a machete. It was a couple weeks in before I saw hers. 

Angus I saw a  programme the the day about cosmetic surgery that had gone wrong, and the surgeons in the NHS here in the UK who were trying to rectify it. After watching that I knew these breast ops were pretty severe, even those that didn't go wrong. The reductions need to be more drastic usually than enlargements where the scars can be more hidden. In reductions the skin needs to be cut away, as otherwise they would just totally sag.
I was horrified to learn that 5% of such ops go drastically wrong and cause terrible suffering and disfigurement, so at least be thankful that your wife's op was successful.

I do sort of get where you are coming from, as my husbands former wife had a cosmetic procedure on her eyes. He didn't want her to have it, but she went ahead anyway, and he said that he couldn't notice any difference. Obviously not as drastic an operation, but still going against the husbands wishes. 
I just wonder if your wife was so desperate to have it done, and knowing that you wouldn't agree, she maybe felt she had no choice but to keep it from you? What do you think?

I think your wife probably made a mistake in dealing with this issue, but now that the mistake is over and done with, its your choice where to go with it.

Your wife knew that you were going to have issue with this, and she was correct. The next step is really yours to make.

I would tell your wife how you feel about this and why you feel that way, but after that is done, its your responsibility to forgive and move on. Forgiveness isn't always possible to do quickly and isn't always a strait and clear path. It may take time before you feel more OK with how this happened. However, the option of continuing to be hurt about this will only cause more pain.

It is in the best interest of you and your marriage to forgive and heal.

To answer chosenone's question I don't think she was desperate at all. A desperate person would have mentioned it more than casually a few times in almost 20 years. I also think I would have agreed if she had made atleast one attempt to sell me on the idea.

I feel decieved. Let me add to that humiliated. Decieved by the way she went about it.  Humiliated by having it done with out me atleast in the waiting room.

I haven't read my old post. I never told her not to have the surgery. I must have mislead everyone. We don't have that type of marriage. She probably knew I didn't want her to have it. Just from the few times it came up casually. This thing came up from behind like a freight train.

I should have said Sunday night or Monday how I felt. I didn't. I was then, and still am in a complete state of shock. I keep thinking I will wake up, and this will not have happened. It's been over 6 weeks.

We honestly have never had a problem. Always discussed and agreed on everything. This was a very sensitive subject that hit me low fast and by surprise.

QuoteTo answer chosenone's question I don't think she was desperate at all. A desperate person would have mentioned it more than casually a few times in almost 20 years.

Perhaps desperate was the wrong word. This may have been very much on her mind for 20+ years. Just because she didn't tell you about it more than a few times doesn't mean it wasn't very much weighing on her mind. I don't think she was trying to deceive you, but instead probably didn't want to bother you by complaining about it or make you concerned about it since there wasn't anything you can do.

This is very much stuff you just need to talk with her about. Ask her why this came about so suddenly with what you see as little warning.

I really don't see a reason for you to be humiliated by this. You need to make sure this issue does not turn into something bigger than what it actually is. I don't look at this and see it as an issue you should feel betrayed or humiliated by. She very much doubt she meant to do either of those. You need to figure out why you feel so strongly about this and talk with your wife. If this is really bothering you this much, talk with a pastor or counselor alone or with your wife to figure this out.

Feeling deceived, betrayed, humiliated, etc till only cause more issues and give the devil a foot into your marriage.

Quote from: Angus on Wed Jan 30, 2013 - 12:44:18
To answer chosenone's question I don't think she was desperate at all. A desperate person would have mentioned it more than casually a few times in almost 20 years. I also think I would have agreed if she had made atleast one attempt to sell me on the idea.

I feel decieved. Let me add to that humiliated. Decieved by the way she went about it.  Humiliated by having it done with out me atleast in the waiting room.

Ok, so talk to her about your feelings. Tell her that how she went about it hurt you deeply, and then LET IT GOOOOO!  There is nothing good that is going to come from you dwelling on this like you are!  It is going to cause you further resentment and bitterness, she is going to sense you are unhappy, but be forced to speculate what its about (and likely will think you no longer love her because her chest is smaller, which will lead her to likely wondering if that was ALL you loved about her...), and it will be a wedge in your relationship that was so perfect.  If your marriage is everything you say it is, it should be important and valuable enough to talk this out and get over it. 

 If your marriage is everything you say it is, it should be important and valuable enough to talk this out and get over it.
[/quote]

No joke no lie. We had an amazing marriage. By both of our admissions this is the first problem we ever had. I'm not unapproachable. Never have been. This falls in the slim category of things that are sensitive between a husband and wife. If she had went in for an appendix removal, I would have been the first to know. We both would have expected me to be there. This was an elective surgery that was 10 times more evasive. She was under anastheia for a very long time. Months of recovery. 

I know I need to quit dwelling on it. I know I need to forgive her. I'm pretty sure anger is my emotion. It was hurt. It's turned in a big way.

Forgetting is not as easy as people make it out to be. Especially when you have a nice reminder permanany attached to your wife's chest.

I am an honorable man. I know I don't sound that way. When I give you my word it's my bond. If she had discussed this with me, and explained why she was doing it, I would have said sure fine, and I would have been fine with it. Ther was no honor in not telling me, in not letting go.

Quote from: Angus on Wed Jan 30, 2013 - 17:42:13
No joke no lie. We had an amazing marriage. By both of our admissions this is the first problem we ever had. I'm not unapproachable. Never have been. This falls in the slim category of things that are sensitive between a husband and wife. If she had went in for an appendix removal, I would have been the first to know. We both would have expected me to be there. This was an elective surgery that was 10 times more evasive. She was under anastheia for a very long time. Months of recovery. 

I know I need to quit dwelling on it. I know I need to forgive her. I'm pretty sure anger is my emotion. It was hurt. It's turned in a big way.

Forgetting is not as easy as people make it out to be. Especially when you have a nice reminder permanany attached to your wife's chest.

I am an honorable man. I know I don't sound that way. When I give you my word it's my bond. If she had discussed this with me, and explained why she was doing it, I would have said sure fine, and I would have been fine with it. Ther was no honor in not telling me, in not letting go.

The bible says to take every thought captive.  Instead of feeding the fire of your hurt, humiliation, and anger when you look at her, take those SELFISH thoughts captive and PRAY blessings for her!  Ask God to help you rejoice in the simple profound truth that she will feel better, she won't be in pain, and rejoice in that!  Don't you want that for her? To be healthy, to feel better, to not be tired and in agony all the time?

Instead of insisting you were and are right, ask her what you did that made her feel she couldn't come to you?
Just listen. Her perspective doesn't mean she is right and you are wrong, or that you need to defend yourself and prove you are right.  Just listen and then...when she tells you (if she will...you do seem to be resistant to listening without defending or justifying), say you are sorry for doing whatever that is and do your best to change it.

Its not the end of the world. An apology says you value the relationship more that you value being right. 
If you want to be approached, be approachable! :)

PS.  Why are you speaking of your marriage in past tense terms? You HAVE a great marriage.  One misunderstanding doesn't or shouldn't change that!

Good advice, and I agree I am resistant to listening. I do also put an extremely high value on respect, and honor.  Probably to a fault. I am a rancher. Its pretty much 7 days a week.  I take off for church, church activities, and to see the kids play a sport when I can.  My wife works off the ranch, but when I say we I mean all of us. We know there are sacrifices to this lifestyle. I haven't been on a vacation in my life. I send the wife and kids. We all know it's part of the deal. A lot of 80 plus hour weeks. Some 24 hour work days. We instill in the kids nothing counts so much as blood. We stick to our own. Uphold the family at all cost. The time we spend together is quality time to us, and plentiful. We do this as a way of life, aimed at maintaining a tradition. 

I guess the notion of someone doing something for them self is foreign to me. I really would like to not think about this. Long days by yourself are great if you have something you need to think about. They get really long if you have something you need to forget.

Quote from: Angus on Wed Jan 30, 2013 - 19:34:45
I guess the notion of someone doing something for them self is foreign to me.

I'd be with ya if we were talkin about her gettin her nails done and leaving you to pick up her slack, or weekly spa days that you can't afford or selfish self serving things like that...

This is nothing like that.

She was in pain.

Angus:

First off, I can't blame you for being hurt over the way she went about this.  Then she pushes you away further by asking you not to be there.

I realize from others - and from yourself - that she felt it was needed due to pain.  You need to remember it must have been one heck of a pain to do something so drastic in the first place.  THEN to do it the way she did.

You need to find some time - alone time - with your wife.  You need to sincerely ask her WHY she did what she did.  You need to let her know you felt your marriage was one of trust and communication, and then just ask her when she felt that changed.  How did that change happened.  You could be VERY right that to her this also is a one time shot, and felt it was something she needed to do alone.  I don't know why, but you need to ask those questions of her.  You are allowing this to eat you up, and you seem to asking the wrong people WHY she did this the way she did.

Quite frankly, I wouldn't be satisfied with WELL she did it, and you need to forgive and move on either.  I can't think of to many marriages in which that would work for either party.  You have a bunch of bottled up hurt, and you need to know why its there.  You need to deep discussion away from kids and other people.  Send them to neighbors for the evening or something.  My family has farms and a small ranch and I realize its a hard life.  If you feel that your responsibilities may interfere with alone time - shallow your pride and ask for help from neighbors.  The ranch will never be the same until you get this part fixed.  Everyone needs a hand now and again.  I know farmers and ranchers do have to ask for this, and get it in desperate times.

You need to listen to her really well when you do this.  Let her talk it completely out, and don't interrupt her.  Sounds like she doesn't need a fixer right now - as your lifestyle tends to make you - but someone that will listen.  It doesn't matter if you don't agree with her view at this point, because you are looking for a cause - her cause.  It doesn't matter if you don't agree with her opinions at this point either.  You need to allow her to spill her guts all over the place, and then figure out how to work from there.  Part of her reason maybe that you would worry about the work while being with her during this.  I don't know, and I realize that doesn't cut the mustard as far as reasons.  I do know if you can't grasp her reasoning - even if you don't agree - this is going to fester.

When she is finished you need to let her know about YOUR hurt.  I hope and pray at that point you have some reasoning on her part that maybe you could even partially validate during this time as well.  I will let you know that sometimes people do the craziest things, and think it is for the right reasons.  They don't see the whole thing, and at times we need to accept that despite it.  Her reasons maybe so OUT THERE even when she does tell you, and I will tell you I have heard some hum dingers myself.  We won't be the only ones in life in that place - believe me! 

I have had to stop myself, and realize I may not have done it that way but they did.  At this point its done, and I can't change it.  I have to learn to accept what is, and it sounds like you can't do that until you know WHY she did it the way she did.  It may not be rational to you, but at least you will have want you need to move on.  She will also learn of your true hurt, and YES I will emphasis she needs to know that part too.  It's important.

My heart hurts for you, and we here on the forum can't help you with the why's at this point.  Only she can do that for you. 

It will take time, but your marriage will be up and running smoothly in time once again.  I have no doubt, because I can feel your love and  commitment.  You may have been too busy with stuff due to your lifestyle to really hear things the way you need too, or she may not be the best communicator in the world.  I do know your relationship will benefit by learning to work past this, and your relationship will grow afterwords if you both place the effort into truly hearing what the other has to say.  Heck you may even grow to love those new breasts as well.  I bet you will!

Please find the time for this discussion.  You know its important, and it will be hard.  Just remember your used to hard work, and now go get her done as they say.

Quote from: HannahT on Fri Feb 01, 2013 - 06:45:50
Quite frankly, I wouldn't be satisfied with WELL she did it, and you need to forgive and move on either.

No one is advocating this.

What he has been told is that he needs to address his feelings to her, ask her why she did it, what he did to make her feel she couldn't come to him more openly about it, not judge, fix, justify or defend himself and then, when its all out on the table...let it go.Which is what you said, just in a much longer more drawn out way. :)

He also then needs to take the thoughts captive that hold him to bitterness, anger and resentment, forgive and pray for her instead.

Quote from: HannahT on Fri Feb 01, 2013 - 06:45:50I can't think of to many marriages in which that would work for either party.  You have a bunch of bottled up hurt, and you need to know why its there.  You need to deep discussion away from kids and other people.  Send them to neighbors for the evening or something.  My family has farms and a small ranch and I realize its a hard life.  If you feel that your responsibilities may interfere with alone time - shallow your pride and ask for help from neighbors.  The ranch will never be the same until you get this part fixed.  Everyone needs a hand now and again.  I know farmers and ranchers do have to ask for this, and get it in desperate times.

You need to listen to her really well when you do this.  Let her talk it completely out, and don't interrupt her.  Sounds like she doesn't need a fixer right now - as your lifestyle tends to make you - but someone that will listen.  It doesn't matter if you don't agree with her view at this point, because you are looking for a cause - her cause.  It doesn't matter if you don't agree with her opinions at this point either.  You need to allow her to spill her guts all over the place, and then figure out how to work from there.  Part of her reason maybe that you would worry about the work while being with her during this.  I don't know, and I realize that doesn't cut the mustard as far as reasons.  I do know if you can't grasp her reasoning - even if you don't agree - this is going to fester.

When she is finished you need to let her know about YOUR hurt.  I hope and pray at that point you have some reasoning on her part that maybe you could even partially validate during this time as well.  I will let you know that sometimes people do the craziest things, and think it is for the right reasons.  They don't see the whole thing, and at times we need to accept that despite it.  Her reasons maybe so OUT THERE even when she does tell you, and I will tell you I have heard some hum dingers myself.  We won't be the only ones in life in that place - believe me! 

I have had to stop myself, and realize I may not have done it that way but they did.  At this point its done, and I can't change it.  I have to learn to accept what is, and it sounds like you can't do that until you know WHY she did it the way she did.  It may not be rational to you, but at least you will have want you need to move on.  She will also learn of your true hurt, and YES I will emphasis she needs to know that part too.  It's important.

My heart hurts for you, and we here on the forum can't help you with the why's at this point.  Only she can do that for you. 

It will take time, but your marriage will be up and running smoothly in time once again.  I have no doubt, because I can feel your love and  commitment.  You may have been too busy with stuff due to your lifestyle to really hear things the way you need too, or she may not be the best communicator in the world.  I do know your relationship will benefit by learning to work past this, and your relationship will grow afterwords if you both place the effort into truly hearing what the other has to say.  Heck you may even grow to love those new breasts as well.  I bet you will!

Please find the time for this discussion.  You know its important, and it will be hard.  Just remember your used to hard work, and now go get her done as they say.

Quote from: MeMyself on Fri Feb 01, 2013 - 08:22:47

Quote from: HannahTQuite frankly, I wouldn't be satisfied with WELL she did it, and you need to forgive and move on either.

No one is advocating this.

MM - that is exactly how I read your posts # 19 and 21.

Quote from: DaveW on Fri Feb 01, 2013 - 08:27:16

Quote from: MeMyself on Fri Feb 01, 2013 - 08:22:47

Quote from: HannahTQuite frankly, I wouldn't be satisfied with WELL she did it, and you need to forgive and move on either.

No one is advocating this.

MM - that is exactly how I read your posts # 19 and 21.

Hmmm...well, I did say and then let it go.  He has to, after he talks it out with her, which is what I said to him several times (talk to her, tell her your feelings about your hurt, listen to her reply).

After all of that, there is no good in dwelling on what cannot be changed IMO.

I am going to try to focus less on figuring it out. I may never figure it out, and might loose my mind before I do. I will focus more on just putting it behind me. It's hard for me to believe I have gotten this upset over it. It wasn't right, but my reaction isn't either.

I promise everyone it's not as much about her breast as you think. If we had discussed it, I would have said yes. Also if I had known how severe the surgery was would have helped. Not being welcome there is the hardest to put behind me.

Quote from: Angus on Fri Feb 01, 2013 - 10:07:39
Not being welcome there is the hardest to put behind me.

I don't blame you a bit for that! It would have hurt me very very much as well.  I really do encourage you to share that with her! (not in an accusatory way, but just a "hey, I know you love me, but this really hurt me deeply, and if I hurt you, I'd wanna know, so I'm tellin ya about it." kinda way

And, then after it has been talked out, yes, it must be put in the past.

God bless and good luck!

In the middle of a nights sleep, I sat straight up in the bed last night mad about it.  It was almost time to go start haying when I finally went to sleep. It's hard to not think about it when it comes looking for you in the middle of the night. I did make an honest effort to not dwell on it today. It would be better if I didn't work alone. I wouldn't discuss it with the other person, but I think talking would take my mind to another place.

I appreciate people talking to me here. My way of life wouldn't appeal to many people. I enjoy it. It might be why this hurt me so bad. My family relies on me to keep this place running. I rely on them for support. This little deal here kinda put me under.

Angus,

I want to send my note of encouragement and support.
These kinds of things can send a person for a loop.
Have you confided in your pastor or friend or a counselor?  It may help.

I don't know if you want anymore psychobabble.
This may fit the grief model.
Grief is usually thought of by the public when we lose someone through death.
But grief can occur with the loss of anything  - breasts,  trust,  understanding
Many authors now say that the previous notions that people move through predictable stages is incorrect.

What is true for me is that I felt many of the stages of grief and I did get to acceptance.
Anger is a part of grief because is is a way of expressing our hurt and percieved unfairness and frustration.

God bless you.
Anger can be normal but we can't stay angry forever and be healthy.
The Bible says for husbands to live with their wives in an understanding way.
It is hard.
Hang in there.

It's been almost 6 months since the surgery. Johndoo's comment about the grief model hit the nail on the head. It took a while, but I started having some good days. In time the days got more consistent. Recently, my good days are becoming less and less the norm. I don't see how I could still be feeling anger and resentment after this long. I try to follow everyone's advice, and try to not dwell on the matter. I just can't seem to put it behind me. This thing is really taking a toll on our marriage. I even realize its stupid for me to be this upset for this long. It seems like a simple matter, why does it hurt and anger me so bad. 

Jave you had any opportunity to talk about the way you feel to your wife or to someone else? Sometimes when we keep these hurts inside, they do a lot of damage, and simply expressing them can help a lot. Some people find that writing them down regularly helps also.

My wife and haven't discussed it in a very long time. I don't see me getting counseling.  Everyone's next comment will be , "Then you don't want get better". But, I do. I just can't quit lingering on it.