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I was looking for a link that was taken off of here and was told by somebody that the reason I wanted to find the link would be a good topic for this forum.  What misperceptions about sex did you have as a single person (either biblical or in married life itself) and what have you found out the actual truth is.  It will kind of be like a Here's the myth some people believe and here's the truth.

Why exactly do you want to know?

And does it matter if you were completely ignorant, a virgin, slightly experienced or had full blown sexual relationships before you got married?

I would imagine the answers would be different from each group.

I would have come in at pretty much "completely ignorant" group.

I was completely ignorant about sex too.  I had learned from "jokes" and from other men, many of whom were themselves misinformed.

My parents never discussed it at all with me.  However, I managed to learn mostly the right information about the "mechanics" of it, but had
expectations that have caused me great pain over the years.

I thought my wife would want to have sex with me like I want to have sex with her.
Boy, was I ever wrong.  And when I figured out that she wanted sex with other men, but not me, I was devastated.

Quote from: DaveW on Thu Jun 20, 2013 - 13:07:14
Why exactly do you want to know?

And does it matter if you were completely ignorant, a virgin, slightly experienced or had full blown sexual relationships before you got married?

I would imagine the answers would be different from each group.

I would have come in at pretty much "completely ignorant" group.

No it doesn't matter how experienced you were when you got married.  The link I was talking about was a biblical perspective on sex.  I know that I've believed  lot of lies in the past and am trying to replace them with the truth both biblically and in life.  Biblical misconceptions are pretty self explanatory ie no sex before marriage but the life ones aren't.  Things like "Sex will be great in marriage", "You will never feel lonely or unloved again", "You will get a lot of it, at least until the kids are born and take a lot of your time."  Basically I want to know what is fantasy not to hold on to and what reality actually is.

One myth I was told (ironically not by believers) and believed a lot when I was younger goes like this:

"When two people have sex, in God's eye's they're already married."

This is an obvious lie.  Marriage is a covenant between a man, a woman, and God - sex otherwise is fornication, which is a sin.  So this myth basically says when two people have sex, God pours His blessings on them in the midst of living in sin.

I won't lie.  I felt kinda stupid when I learned the truth about this one.

Quote from: RoninJedi on Thu Jun 20, 2013 - 15:30:28
One myth I was told (ironically not by believers) and believed a lot when I was younger goes like this:

"When two people have sex, in God's eye's they're already married."

This is an obvious lie.  Marriage is a covenant between a man, a woman, and God - sex otherwise is fornication, which is a sin.  So this myth basically says when two people have sex, God pours His blessings on them in the midst of living in sin.

I won't lie.  I felt kinda stupid when I learned the truth about this one.

Don't feel stupid.  As soon as I read it I was like oh yeah I've heard that too.  It's  a good thing it's a myth because if it wasn't I'd already be married to two people and that is before I find an actual husband that I'm going to stay with.  If God hadn't protected me from getting that job at the legal brothel it would have been countless more.

Okay, here's one. Sex is best in your 20's and goes downhill from there.

Hubby and I married at 21 & 18 respectively and are now 55 & 52 (well, in 2 days I'll be 52.) I can tell you for sure that the 40's are much better than the 20's, and I'll let you know in 8 years about the 50's.

Quote from: Nevertheless on Thu Jun 20, 2013 - 19:08:01
Okay, here's one. Sex is best in your 20's and goes downhill from there.

Hubby and I married at 21 & 18 respectively and are now 55 & 52 (well, in 2 days I'll be 52.) I can tell you for sure that the 40's are much better than the 20's, and I'll let you know in 8 years about the 50's.

We are 56 and 57, and its great.

Myth:  Sex will bring mutual satisfaction
Truth:  People's response to sex can range from hatred/fear to exuberant joy.

Myth:  You and you partner will desire each other.
Truth:  Desire can range from asexual to hypersexual and can change throughout your lifetime.

Quote from: johndoo on Fri Jun 21, 2013 - 04:05:33
Myth:  Sex will bring mutual satisfaction
Truth:  People's response to sex can range from hatred/fear to exuberant joy.

Myth:  You and you partner will desire each other.
Truth:  Desire can range from asexual to hypersexual and can change throughout your lifetime.

I don't think either of those are myths actually.

One myth that got destroyed really fast:

Sex would be a huge part of my marriage.

Years of frustration made it a bigger issue before marriage than it turned out to be afterward.

And another one that got blown out of the water quickly:

If you were a virgin when you came to the marriage bed; God would make sure you were well satisfied afterward.

One "myth" that I did not grow up with (but my wife did) but later on in college the church tried to impose on me:

Masturbation is the ultimate sin against God and your own body.  It is the sin that SOOO BAD that it cannot even be mentioned in the Holy Bible.

Horse Hockey.

One of their arguments was "do you want to be caught doing that when the rapture happens?" 
No - but I don't want to be in the middle of having a bout of diarrhea then either.

After a LOT of discussion on that subject with my wife over many years, I have come to the opinion that this scripture applies to this 'touchy' subject:

1 Corinthians 10:13  No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it.

QuoteBasically I want to know what is fantasy not to hold on to and what reality actually is.

In sex, nothing is "normal".  Different people all have differing levels of desire, importance, priority, frequency, preferences.  So, you probably must hold on to the "reality" which is negotiated between you and your spouse, and reject the "reality" of other marriages.

Quote from: MyFathersGirl on Thu Jun 20, 2013 - 15:13:08
Basically I want to know what is fantasy not to hold on to and what reality actually is.

Somehow I missed this line when I first read your post.  Thank you TJW for calling my attention to it.

What your fantasies are we have no way of knowing and I am sure I speak for all here when I say we really do not need to know. (so don't tell us)

Reality OTOH is going to be different with every couple.  I have no first hand knowledge of this having been married for 35 years to my ONLY sex partner; but I have read from those who have had more than one that everything is somewhat different with each person and no two couples experience it the same way. (from reading the surveys at www.themarriagebed.com )

Yes there are some common "myths;" and for some couples they may be absolutely true.  For others they are not.

What I find more problematic than the myths are the false doctrines and legalistic attitudes concerning sex. (BTW, you can be obedient without being legalistic)

Those false doctrines and attitudes are along the lines that "sex is ugly;" "sex is inherently sinful;" "sex is something to feared...."

*  All sexual desire (for a single) MUST be the product of lewd imagination.
*  Adam and Eve were created with a clothing of pure light to cover their nakedness. (lost at the fall)
*  To be tempted sexually is equal with having committed adultery.
*  Any sexual thought or feeling as a single is being sexually tempted.
* That empty feeling in the pit of your stomach after masturbating is God condemning you for it.
*  In marraige the ONLY excuse for having sex is to get pregnant.
*  Anything OTHER than male superior missionary position is perverted.

I have found these attitudes to make singles HATE their God given and God ordained sex drive; cursing God and their own bodies. I have heard of young folk contemplating suicide to stop the torture. Dr Clifford Penner (who wrote the Christian classic books "The Gift of Sex" and "A Gift for All Ages") had a 12 year old female patient who did just that. Killed herself because her sexual desires would not go away. She felt God was condemning her for them.

Those attitudes usually carry over into marriage as well.  If you routinely/automatically shut down desires as a single, you will automatically do the same as a married person.

And that can be a HUGE problem.

Quote from: RoninJedi on Thu Jun 20, 2013 - 15:30:28
One myth I was told (ironically not by believers) and believed a lot when I was younger goes like this:

"When two people have sex, in God's eye's they're already married."

This is an obvious lie.  Marriage is a covenant between a man, a woman, and God - sex otherwise is fornication, which is a sin.  So this myth basically says when two people have sex, God pours His blessings on them in the midst of living in sin.

I won't lie.  I felt kinda stupid when I learned the truth about this one.

Myths such as that are typically built of a vestige of truth, which turn into a falsehood.

For example, 'when two people have sex, they are married in God's eyes':

When two people have sex, they typically form a bond with each other whether that was the intention or not. This is so evident that, in ancient times, certain pagan beliefs taught that sex intertwined spirits. In some cases, rape was even concluded as stealing spiritual energy from others.
This is perhaps the reason for the Sodomites wanting to have sex with the angels in Genesis. Moreover, there was probably a sexual tax for entering the city in general- it was likely seen as homage to their land and religious intrigue, and of course, why God saw fit to crush the city.

Anyhow, sex is a powerful bond no matter how one illustrates it. That's probably why some conclude the myth you have stated. In truth, marriage is a sacred partnership enacted by God, and though consummation is part of it, it is actually pagan to conclude that sex alone marries a couple.

Thanks guys.  Dave, yeah it's sad how often those false doctrines are spread around.  Not that I believed them all but I had heard most of them except that Ada and Eve had  light covering themselves and that anything but missionary is sinful (let me guess, Mormons)

Quote from: DaveW on Fri Jun 21, 2013 - 05:16:16
If you were a virgin when you came to the marriage bed; God would make sure you were well satisfied afterward.

What exactly do you mean by this? That it isn't rewarding to start marriage a virgin?

Quote from: christlike77 on Mon Oct 21, 2013 - 14:22:39

Quote from: DaveW on Fri Jun 21, 2013 - 05:16:16
If you were a virgin when you came to the marriage bed; God would make sure you were well satisfied afterward.

What exactly do you mean by this? That it isn't rewarding to start marriage a virgin?

I think he means that you will be blessed for waiting for marriage.

Quote from: chosenone on Mon Oct 21, 2013 - 15:19:11

Quote from: christlike77 on Mon Oct 21, 2013 - 14:22:39

Quote from: DaveW on Fri Jun 21, 2013 - 05:16:16
If you were a virgin when you came to the marriage bed; God would make sure you were well satisfied afterward.

What exactly do you mean by this? That it isn't rewarding to start marriage a virgin?

I think he means that you will be blessed for waiting for marriage.

But he said that the statement in bold was a myth proven wrong?

Quote from: MyFathersGirl on Fri Jun 21, 2013 - 15:24:39
Thanks guys.  Dave, yeah it's sad how often those false doctrines are spread around.  Not that I believed them all but I had heard most of them except that Ada and Eve had  light covering themselves and that anything but missionary is sinful (let me guess, Mormons)

No - Wesleyan Holiness.

Quote from: christlike77 on Mon Oct 21, 2013 - 18:09:42

Quote from: chosenone on Mon Oct 21, 2013 - 15:19:11

Quote from: christlike77 on Mon Oct 21, 2013 - 14:22:39

Quote from: DaveW on Fri Jun 21, 2013 - 05:16:16
If you were a virgin when you came to the marriage bed; God would make sure you were well satisfied afterward.

What exactly do you mean by this? That it isn't rewarding to start marriage a virgin?

I think he means that you will be blessed for waiting for marriage.

But he said that the statement in bold was a myth proven wrong?

That means that he waited and WAS NOT blessed with a satisfying marriage bed.  It happens.

Quotehe waited and WAS NOT blessed with a satisfying marriage bed

Right.  I "waited", too.  I had no idea that marrying a girl who "didn't wait" would be so incredibly destructive to me, how I would be laughed at, mocked, ridiculed, and scorned by her because of my lack of experience.  She hardly ever missed church, too.

In fact, I think the marriage might have been more successful if I had bopped about 20 chicks along the way to the altar.

Quote from: TJW on Tue Nov 05, 2013 - 15:21:46

Quotehe waited and WAS NOT blessed with a satisfying marriage bed

Right.  I "waited", too.  I had no idea that marrying a girl who "didn't wait" would be so incredibly destructive to me, how I would be laughed at, mocked, ridiculed, and scorned by her because of my lack of experience.  She hardly ever missed church, too.

In fact, I think the marriage might have been more successful if I had bopped about 20 chicks along the way to the altar.

Two wrongs don't make a right and two people being promiscuous doesn't make a better marriage.

Quote from: Nevertheless on Wed Nov 06, 2013 - 09:03:18

Quote from: TJW on Tue Nov 05, 2013 - 15:21:46

Quotehe waited and WAS NOT blessed with a satisfying marriage bed

Right.  I "waited", too.  I had no idea that marrying a girl who "didn't wait" would be so incredibly destructive to me, how I would be laughed at, mocked, ridiculed, and scorned by her because of my lack of experience.  She hardly ever missed church, too.

In fact, I think the marriage might have been more successful if I had bopped about 20 chicks along the way to the altar.

Two wrongs don't make a right and two people being promiscuous doesn't make a better marriage.

I agree, and with the disrespectful and unloving attitude that your wife showed, I doubt it would have lasted anyway.

I was unconverted when I got married, so sad to say, I entered marriage with my eyes open so to speak~that's about as pure as I can keep this.  After almost forty seven years of marriage, I can honestly say, that it has been wonderful, better than I deserved.  We very seldom have ever had words, but we have, but never lasted very long.  As believers, you cannot justify allowing the sun go down before making peace, specially with your spouse.  Misconceptions? Not sure, but, this one thing I did learn quickly: Eve for Adam, was a great gift from God to Adam~and the bed relationship was even better.  The one misconception that I had as a young buck was this will last forever, with the same fervent heat.  Well, it has lasted, but this poor body cannot cash the check that my mind still desires to write!

RB   

Quote from: TJW on Tue Nov 05, 2013 - 15:21:46
Right.  I "waited", too.  I had no idea that marrying a girl who "didn't wait" would be so incredibly destructive to me, how I would be laughed at, mocked, ridiculed, and scorned by her because of my lack of experience.  She hardly ever missed church, too.

I would say that church did not do her much good in that department. People have different reactions to almost everything including sinful behavior.  IMO the ridicule would have come from some other area of life.

QuoteIn fact, I think the marriage might have been more successful if I had bopped about 20 chicks along the way to the altar.

As Never said: two wrongs don't make a right. That would have just shifted the problems elsewhere.

I married a woman who had been repeatedly abused as a child and HATED male anatomy and any form of sexuality.

Quote from: DaveW on Wed Nov 06, 2013 - 12:14:23

Quote from: TJW on Tue Nov 05, 2013 - 15:21:46
Right.  I "waited", too.  I had no idea that marrying a girl who "didn't wait" would be so incredibly destructive to me, how I would be laughed at, mocked, ridiculed, and scorned by her because of my lack of experience.  She hardly ever missed church, too.

I would say that church did not do her much good in that department. People have different reactions to almost everything including sinful behavior.  IMO the ridicule would have come from some other area of life.

QuoteIn fact, I think the marriage might have been more successful if I had bopped about 20 chicks along the way to the altar.

As Never said: two wrongs don't make a right. That would have just shifted the problems elsewhere.

I married a woman who had been repeatedly abused as a child and HATED male anatomy and any form of sexuality.

Did she tell you that before you married? If not she definately should have done.

QuoteDid she tell you that before you married? If not she definitely should have done.

Of course not.  Any discussion of sex was ABSOLUTELY FORBIDDEN by the congregational leaders. Even acknowledging a sexual attraction to someone was grounds for them to cancel the engagement.

I found out about 6 weeks after we got back from out honeymoon.  She could not keep on pretending that she was enjoying something that was causing bad flashbacks and disgust.

Quote from: TJW on Tue Nov 05, 2013 - 15:21:46

Quotehe waited and WAS NOT blessed with a satisfying marriage bed

Right.  I "waited", too.  I had no idea that marrying a girl who "didn't wait" would be so incredibly destructive to me, how I would be laughed at, mocked, ridiculed, and scorned by her because of my lack of experience.  She hardly ever missed church, too.

In fact, I think the marriage might have been more successful if I had bopped about 20 chicks along the way to the altar.

Your wife did the forbidden things. A lot of woman do this only to wake up dead, their stupidity and lack of fear lead them to their death. 

comment deleted.

I had a comment here which reflected a misunderstanding on my part.

Quote from: DaveW on Wed Nov 06, 2013 - 13:47:48

QuoteDid she tell you that before you married? If not she definitely should have done.

Of course not.  Any discussion of sex was ABSOLUTELY FORBIDDEN by the congregational leaders. Even acknowledging a sexual attraction to someone was grounds for them to cancel the engagement.

I found out about 6 weeks after we got back from out honeymoon.  She could not keep on pretending that she was enjoying something that was causing bad flashbacks and disgust.

How sad that an engaged couple cant even talk about sex. You married someone not knowing something vitally important.  Why did you both listen to such useless leaders and not go somewhere else?

Quote from: Nevertheless on Thu Jun 20, 2013 - 19:08:01
Okay, here's one. Sex is best in your 20's and goes downhill from there.

Hubby and I married at 21 & 18 respectively and are now 55 & 52 (well, in 2 days I'll be 52.) I can tell you for sure that the 40's are much better than the 20's, and I'll let you know in 8 years about the 50's.

50's are good, too.   

Quote from: Reverend M on Thu Nov 07, 2013 - 03:04:46

Quote from: Nevertheless on Thu Jun 20, 2013 - 19:08:01
Okay, here's one. Sex is best in your 20's and goes downhill from there.

Hubby and I married at 21 & 18 respectively and are now 55 & 52 (well, in 2 days I'll be 52.) I can tell you for sure that the 40's are much better than the 20's, and I'll let you know in 8 years about the 50's.

50's are good, too.   

  Amen, 50's are the BEST.

Quote from: chosenone on Thu Nov 07, 2013 - 03:32:02

Quote from: Reverend M on Thu Nov 07, 2013 - 03:04:46

Quote from: Nevertheless on Thu Jun 20, 2013 - 19:08:01
Okay, here's one. Sex is best in your 20's and goes downhill from there.

Hubby and I married at 21 & 18 respectively and are now 55 & 52 (well, in 2 days I'll be 52.) I can tell you for sure that the 40's are much better than the 20's, and I'll let you know in 8 years about the 50's.

50's are good, too.   

  Amen, 50's are the BEST.

At last, we agree on something! 

Quote from: Reverend M on Thu Nov 07, 2013 - 03:42:19

Quote from: chosenone on Thu Nov 07, 2013 - 03:32:02

Quote from: Reverend M on Thu Nov 07, 2013 - 03:04:46

Quote from: Nevertheless on Thu Jun 20, 2013 - 19:08:01
Okay, here's one. Sex is best in your 20's and goes downhill from there.

Hubby and I married at 21 & 18 respectively and are now 55 & 52 (well, in 2 days I'll be 52.) I can tell you for sure that the 40's are much better than the 20's, and I'll let you know in 8 years about the 50's.

50's are good, too.   

  Amen, 50's are the BEST.

At last, we agree on something! 

There's a first time for everything