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Let me give a few details before I address my issue – I have known my husband since I was 18. We married when I was 27 and have 2 beautiful children. TO say that we have had our ups and downs would be stating it mildly. We have been through sickness & health, good times and bad, for better and worse. A few years ago my husband started having problems at work. Different co workers who he didn't get along with and I really think it through him for a loop because he never had those issues in all his years working. He developed a lot of anxiety and stress related issues – He was so far at the end of his rope he walked out on his job. That was it. To make matters worse we weren't getting along, all his worries became mine, on top of being a working wife and mother, I had to become the sole support of our family. For 1 year everything was on me. We almost lost our house and everything. ½ the time he blames me saying if I had been more supportive maybe he would have tried to stick out the job. ½ the time he apologetic and says everything is his fault. SO now this job he has had for 1 year is slowly starting to turn into the same thing as before. Granted he moved up fast and is now a supervisor, he hates it now. He is salary and when they have special projects he has to work crazy long hours and trust me they aren't paying him that much to compensate for what they are asking in time. In any case the anxiety has set in again, blood pressure is up etc. I am really struggling because on one hand I don't want him to be somewhere he is unhappy and that is only going to cause him health problems. On the other hand, resentment is starting to set in. I resent always having to be the strong one, always having to rob Peter to pay Paul. When he was unemployed for that year a good portion of the time he got to stay home with the kids. I don't get that luxury, to be there with my kids. I just work and work and work... Pray every day he'll wake up in a decent mood to make it through the day to have a job at the end of the day. I cringe when I get texts or calls from him during the work day because I wonder which one is going to be the one where he tells me he walked out again.... When I talk with him about the job and say to at least find something before he leaves this job because its stressful to be the only one bringing in the financial support. He tells me its not all about me. I hate that I feel resentment and alone. Yeah that's it alone. When do I get to be weak and supported? Sorry I'm complaining, I hate to complain. I wasn't raised to complain about life. I'm just frustrated and dismayed that 3 years ago is happening all over again.

MRS, at the moment, I don't have any advice, and I'm just so sorry you're having to deal with this. It must be emotionally and physically exhausting. What's odd, is I have three friends who are in the same position as you. It's like I hear more and more about this type of thing anymore. My friends' husbands won't hold a job very long because it stresses them out. Their husbands get physically ill, with BP spikes, stomach issues, etc. Two of my friends are holding down two jobs (and raising the kids) while their husbands are "between jobs" and looking for a less stressful workplace environment because a stressful workplace makes them ill. All responsibilities from income, raising the kids, and running their households are on the women. When the women try to encourage their husbands to stick with a job, their husbands become angry and more physically ill. I'm really concerned for my friends because they are totally exhausted, and at some point, they may break. One of my friends is considering leaving her husband. She said he was using his "stress" issues to manipulate her into carrying the full load of family responsibility and she can't take it anymore. She's asked her husband to go get counseling, but he tells her to "back off" if she can't support him. She IS supporting him - that's the deal!
I'm anxious to hear what others here may say about this especially since I have friends going through similar situations.
Again, I'm really sorry.

It is unbelievably exahuasting and most of emoationally draining.  Some days I just feel like crying because I feel so alone... You wonder with a partner who is sooo emotionally unstable how do you go to them about your fears and worries?  Who care for you when you feel down?  I know God does, he has kept me going in this long road.  I have shouldered more than my weight and bore burdens that would likely break a lesser person.  I don't know if past sins he has committed against me (adultery and emotional/physical abuse) are still grounds fo divorce if we have moved on from them and I have chosen to forgive.  The worst part is my kids adore him (4 & 6) and I know it would devastate them if we split up.  But some days I feel like I am coming apart at the seams.  The spirit side of me says hold on...the flesh side of me says - girl you could do this all on your own, just you and your kids with one less person's problems, stress and instability to worry about.  I just don't want to fall out of God's favor.  Crazy thing is he would jump at the chance to stay at home and take care of the kids... I just know though it would put a financial strain (as it did 3 years ago when he did).  To know there are other women going through this gives me comfort but it also dismays me...What is happening to the leaders of our homes??

Is he looking for anther job if hates that one so much? If not why not? Could you manage financially if one or both of you worked part time and looked after the kids the other days? It must cost a lot in child care if you both work full time.

Quote from: MrsO2004 on Mon Jul 01, 2013 - 17:32:45
It is unbelievably exahuasting and most of emoationally draining.  Some days I just feel like crying because I feel so alone... You wonder with a partner who is sooo emotionally unstable how do you go to them about your fears and worries?  Who care for you when you feel down?  I know God does, he has kept me going in this long road.  I have shouldered more than my weight and bore burdens that would likely break a lesser person.  I don't know if past sins he has committed against me (adultery and emotional/physical abuse) are still grounds fo divorce if we have moved on from them and I have chosen to forgive.  The worst part is my kids adore him (4 & 6) and I know it would devastate them if we split up.  But some days I feel like I am coming apart at the seams.  The spirit side of me says hold on...the flesh side of me says - girl you could do this all on your own, just you and your kids with one less person's problems, stress and instability to worry about.  I just don't want to fall out of God's favor.  Crazy thing is he would jump at the chance to stay at home and take care of the kids... I just know though it would put a financial strain (as it did 3 years ago when he did).  To know there are other women going through this gives me comfort but it also dismays me...What is happening to the leaders of our homes??

Well I wouldn't still be with a man who has beaten me and cheated on me, but if that is past and you have moved on, and he has stopped all of that, then that is positive surely.

Oh the physical and cheating has stopped and we have moved on.  This "anxiety, worry" thing has been for the last few years and it seems to be crippling him in the workplace.  We would definately be stretched thin, even him working part time.  We are fortunate to have family who has taken the burden of cost of daycare from us.  But we would still be stretched thin.

Suggest that he starts searching for another job now.

Yup I've done that several times and he always says he will... but I've yet to see one app put in...Only complaining and lamenting... I'm intersted in the solution.

If he cant be bothered to even look for another job, then he cant hate it that much. If I hated a job, I would be searching on line every chance I got .

Maybe he doesnt... Maybe he's doing this to drive himself and me crazy. 

Mrs. you're bent to the point of breaking. You need relief. Is there any way at all you can get away for a week or so? With everything depending on you, I realize it may be an impossible thing to do, but you need time alone, without his emotional drain, so that you have time to think and pray. Maybe send him away for a week. He's sucking the energy right out of you and you need a break, even if for a week or two. You don't have to think long term right now, just short term - a little time to yourself for a breather.

Would talking with a pastor or counselor help.? Making a more formal type of confrontation/talk may help. The way you are talking with him about this isn't really working. Try something new maybe. He probably is stressed out, sad, or whatever else, but he needs to find a way past that.

Does he know its so bad that you don't want to hear from him mid day?

Yes I am to the point of bending - I have told him before the perfect mothers day for me would be to rent a hotel room and be by myself all day long.  No responsibility or time schedules.  Just do what I want. 

I have told him I think it would be very beneficial for him to seek some counseling for the anxiety and stress.  He needs to find ways to cope with it.  I too am looking into speaking with someone as I know I can't continue to go on like this.  Its not easy to talk to him sometimes.  He is very set in his ways and can be a bit of a hot head.

No I haven't told him how bad it is to hear from him during the day.

I feel like I'm in the twilight zone - I get a text from DH saying I love you, don't be mad at me.  I reply - Not mad just a little stressed.  His reply- Why are you stressed?? I am the one who has to work this job....

Really?? I have no reason to be stressed 

Quote from: MrsO2004 on Tue Jul 02, 2013 - 11:56:24
I feel like I'm in the twilight zone - I get a text from DH saying I love you, don't be mad at me.  I reply - Not mad just a little stressed.  His reply- Why are you stressed?? I am the one who has to work this job....

Really?? I have no reason to be stressed 

He sends you texts throughout the day, telling you that he loves you?

Yeah he says I love you, but then after that the convo went downhill with his stupid comments

Let me say that I know he loves me, I don't doubt that - I don't thinl he realizes how much stress he puts me under.  There is a part of him that is so selfish when it comes to what his wants and needs are that when he does tell me he loves me sometimes I struggle wih believing that.  Coupled with the fact that he would possibly leave his job and leave me as the sole provider once again...No, not feelin it when he tells me he loves me.

Quote from: MrsO2004 on Tue Jul 02, 2013 - 11:02:09

...I too am looking into speaking with someone as I know I can't continue to go on like this....

I think there's your answer, MRS0.  Get yourself to counseling ASAP.   

I think you NEED to clearly say how bad this is. I also strongly  suggest couples counseling even just to get across the how big of a deal this is to you and start fixing it. Your husband doesn't understand from what you are saying. Fixing that takes two people and a big change.

Quote from: anx on Tue Jul 02, 2013 - 23:29:04
I think you NEED to clearly say how bad this is. I also strongly  suggest couples counseling even just to get across the how big of a deal this is to you and start fixing it. Your husband doesn't understand from what you are saying. Fixing that takes two people and a big change.

I agree. Find a good marriage counsellor and be prepared to go long term.

I might be making a huge assumption here, but you said in one of your posts that he is a also a hothead. Coupled with his other behavior and previous abusiveness, imo, it sounds like it is more of an anger issue and not stress. So when he gets ticked off or frustrated he up and quits because he is mad he didn't get his way at his job or whatever. Trying to deal with someone like that is extremely difficult. You do need counseling asap. Like I said, I might be wrong, but working with people in recovery I can see similarities.

Quotegirl you could do this all on your own, just you and your kids with one less person's problems, stress and instability to worry about.  I just don't want to fall out of God's favor.

You will not "fall out of God's favor" if you decide to separate from your husband.  God loves you, and you will always be His precious child, no matter what you do.

He remains faithful to the most egregious criminals, even to the utterly evil.

Don't get me wrong, I am not encouraging you to divorce.  I think divorce is a reasonable option in some cases, where the sins of staying together are worse than the divorce.  I don't believe it should be done for "every cause".

Quote"anxiety, worry" thing has been for the last few years and it seems to be crippling him in the workplace

This is not what's "crippling" him in the workplace.  What's doing that is his refusal to man up and shoulder his responsibility.  Just like it's crippling his marriage.

Employers pay people based upon how much personal responsibility for the outcome of their work they accept.

QuoteThere is a part of him that is so selfish when it comes to what his wants and needs are

That's the other thing which is "crippling" him both in the workplace and his marriage.  Employers also pay people who work FOR THEM, not for themselves.

Selfish people are the ones who constantly get "passed over" because their boss knows they 1) don't follow instructions; 2) don't worry about the cost to the business;  3) don't focus on the needs of the business, rather upon doing what "they want to do".