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I've been having suspicions about my wife a lot lately and it just floored me when I googled the signs of a cheating spouse. My wife exhibits almost all of them. I love you, but I'm not in love with you, phone is an extra limb, saying that I'm controlling, logging out of Facebook always, ect. I have had my suspicions in the past and have even asked her. She says "I would never do that". But yet I still have that gut feeling. So flashback to January. She tells me that she is thinking that she wants a divorce. Well long story short, we worked it out. Or so I thought. We moved to a new area last Sept. and she transferred in her job (large dept store chain) to a city about 30 minutes from here. And she started talking about this guy Chris that she worked with about he was the only competent person in her dept. Then he got moved to a different dept. and she was not happy. Well, I thought nothing of it until I remembered her facebook password (she has since changed it and I no longer can see that) one day and saw discussions how she would badmouth me to him and then there was some sexual talk. So without letting her know that I was on her facebook, I asked her about her having an affair. She denied it. But said that she had guy friends at work. I asked about sexual discussions which she admitted to. Well this guy Chris kept popping up. She started liking the same stuff and reading the books he suggested to her. I told her that I didn't want her to have anything to do with him but she would always say that he is just a friend that she only briefly talks to on the rare occasion that he walks by her dept. So I said "if that's all, then why can't you drop him to make me happy and give me piece of mind"? She says, "because you're forcing me" Which I wasn't, I told her that it just made me very uncomfortable. Well things got worse when I stopped into her workplace to see her one day and this Chris kept starring at us. Then while I was waiting for one of our kids to get out of the bathroom Chris walked by me and had this smug look on his face. I just wanted to beat him to a pulp! So I asked her again to drop him. She got really mad this time. Things are better again, but I have this gut feeling that she's hiding something and may just be "putting on the dog" until she can figure out a way to leave. So I have been going crazy trying to figure out how to get him out of the picture. I want to confront him, but that will make the wife even more ticked. So I thought about making an anonymous email to the large dept stores home office and try to get him fired, but it just seems evil. My wife and I are both christians...well until he came along. Now she doesn't want anything to do with church. It just seems like if I can get him gone, then everything would be better.

 I don't want a divorce at all. I will do anything to prevent it. I was a jerk to my wife for the first 12-13 years and finally saw the light. Not that her behavior was any better, but I still took full responsibility for it. She even admits that I have done nothing wrong. That it's her. She says that she feels worthless and empty inside. I have been trying to do nothing but love her and build her up since I confronted her about chris. We decided to start over and forgive and forget the past. But it seems that she has not done that. For me divorce would be the worst thing ever. I grew up the child in 2 divorces. I hate divorce with a passion. I love her more than I ever have. I even told her that I would forgive her for anything, even an affair. She just looks at me with a funny look. Not only would I be losing a woman that I have chosen to love, but I would lose out on part of my children's lives and it would hurt them greatly. I would also lose my job as I am actually a minister, which makes this whole thing even worse. It's the reason that we moved here. This is my fault that I'm in this situation. I just want to fix it. Everything that she says is a contradiction. It drives me nuts!!! She also will not wear her ring because she says that it scratches her. Even though she once said that nothing would stop her from wearing it. I just feel so hopeless.

I'm sorry for your struggle.
There is another web forum that deals more with infidelity that you may find helpful.
It sound like an emotional affair and possible a physical affair.
If she won't go to marriage counseling with you than go to counseling for yourself.   She isn't being transparent.
You have every right and I think you should confront the other guy.  If you want to defend your marriage you have to start somewhere.  Continue to stop by her work.
Pray for insight for you.  Pray for her.
This emptiness /worthlessness that your wife feels is part of the problem.  An affair with the attention it brings helps fill that void. 

Affairs, like bacteria, grow in the "dark".  Exposure to "light" kills them.  I agree you should not only confront the other man about this, you should tell his wife if he is married.

What a wonderful place the church would be if they would follow their Lord's direction and help people through the Matthew 18 process our Lord set forth.  However, my experience has been otherwise, if a parishioner wants to follow it, he gets nothing, and if a minister wants to follow it, he loses his job.

When I tried to follow it in my first marriage, I got a meeting with the "church board".  The three results from that meeting were a severe castigation that said that EVERYTHING wrong with marriage is the husband's fault because he is the "spiritual leader", and the recommendation was that I get a divorce, and I got removed from officiating in church services.  However, my tithe and offering would still be gladly accepted.

My wife was never confronted by any church member regarding her affairs.

I confronted two of the other men.  One had quit his affair already.  The other continued.  I also went to his church, and to his wife.  His wife already knew about it but was unable to provide for herself financially so she did nothing.  Neither did the leadership of his church confront him about it.

My wife, and I, and the OM, were all part of the same para-church ministry.  Every other person, and the spouses of every other person involved in that ministry KNEW about this affair before I found out.  Not one of them confronted her, or him, or said a word to me about it.

I tried "light", but there wasn't any.  All the batteries were dead.

The marriage counseling is a good idea.  You guys both have some issues that you need to work out.  I don't know exactly what is going on with Chris but it is possible she doesn't think of it as an affair because even though there has been sexual talk that's all it's been and they haven't actually had sex.  If she is more than friends with this guy, I agree it is wrong and needs to be stopped.  However, if you send a letter to the office trying to get him fired they are both going t know it is you even if you write the letter anonymously and that is just going to push them closer together because they will have the same thing to be angry about.  She might be saying that it isn't you and it is her but she probably feels worthless because of they way you treated her for those first 12-13 years.  It takes a lot for those tapes to be erased and it isn't going to happen overnight.  There might be residual effects for years.  Again, I'm not saying that excuses her behavior if there is anything going on besides a friendship with this guy.

Also I think you need to be honest with her about what you have been doing.  Maybe if you are honest she'll start being honest with you.  Maybe she suspects that you've been spying on her because of the  way you have been confronting her.  Is she always working late, getting stuck in traffic, going out with girlfriends or anything else that would make you suspicious.  If not she more than likely knows that you have been looking at her facebook page.  I completely understand her desire to have parts of her life that are private.  I have accounts my family doesn't know about because they don't need to know every detail of my life.  When I get married I would be furious if my husband was secretly going on to my pages and looking at my stuff.  You guys both have been dishonest with each other and need a professional  to help rebuild the relationship and the trust that is so important to have.

I think its OK to do some research if you have deep suspicions. Many only discover the truth when they actually check phones and emails and I believe a married couple should know each others passwords anyway. There shouldn't be any secrecy, and if there are then that is suspicious in itself.

Quote from: chosenone on Sun Jul 07, 2013 - 16:18:25
... a married couple should know each others passwords anyway. There shouldn't be any secrecy, and if there are then that is suspicious in itself.

I have a friend whose husband was having an affair. She found out and confronted him.He promised to end the affair, and even gave her the passwords to his email and facebook account. Little good that did her. He had multiple email accounts she never knew about and also another facebook account, which he had her blocked from seeing. While he was still messing with the mistress, she thought things were fine because she had access to his email and facebook account. That marriage finally ended.

Quote from: mommydi on Mon Jul 15, 2013 - 22:02:43

Quote from: chosenone on Sun Jul 07, 2013 - 16:18:25
... a married couple should know each others passwords anyway. There shouldn't be any secrecy, and if there are then that is suspicious in itself.

I have a friend whose husband was having an affair. She found out and confronted him.He promised to end the affair, and even gave her the passwords to his email and facebook account. Little good that did her. He had multiple email accounts she never knew about and also another facebook account, which he had her blocked from seeing. While he was still messing with the mistress, she thought things were fine because she had access to his email and facebook account. That marriage finally ended.

Yes, well that can happen if the spouse is especially devious, manipulative and deceptive, but why would she want to be with such a horrible man who lies, cheats and treats her like dirt anyway. I am glad that she finally found out.