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Hi, I'm new here and this is my first post (I register because of this question).
I've been married for 6 years. Until now, we rarely having sex, it's like once every 3-4 months or more. For years in the beginning of our marriage, my wife always felt pain during sex. Recently less pain, but still there. We didn't go to a doctor, as my wife against it. But I'm not sure about the reason. We rarely talk about sex too, I think because of culture (we're asian). I tried several times to talk about our sex life, though, but it didn't work (she won't respond, or just gave very short answer).
I'm now trapped in porn for masturbation. I realize it is wrong, and I always feel sad after each time. I actually always regret and want to be free of it. Although before marriage I've had been looking into nudity on the internet (the first time when I found that my brother did it), I tend to blame the rare sex we have. I mean, I tend to blame that I fell into porn and masturbation because we have less sex.
I feel that my wife doesn't want me physically or not interested in me. Even when I tried just to kiss her on lips, she often rejected.
One time, I found a link to a lesbian site in her browsing history, but I never ask her about it.
We have two kids that I love, so I want to save my marriage, at the same time, I feel suffering because of our sex life. What can I do to fix it?

Other things is getting better with time, e.g. our communication, our cooperation in solving problem (other than sex), our relationship with each other parents, etc. It's just our sex life that I think is not normal at all.

Quote from: bookncoffee on Thu Sep 26, 2013 - 01:17:29
Hi, I'm new here and this is my first post (I register because of this question).
I've been married for 6 years. Until now, we rarely having sex, it's like once every 3-4 months or more. For years in the beginning of our marriage, my wife always felt pain during sex. Recently less pain, but still there. We didn't go to a doctor, as my wife against it. But I'm not sure about the reason. We rarely talk about sex too, I think because of culture (we're asian). I tried several times to talk about our sex life, though, but it didn't work (she won't respond, or just gave very short answer).
I'm now trapped in porn for masturbation. I realize it is wrong, and I always feel sad after each time. I actually always regret and want to be free of it. Although before marriage I've had been looking into nudity on the internet (the first time when I found that my brother did it), I tend to blame the rare sex we have. I mean, I tend to blame that I fell into porn and masturbation because we have less sex.
I feel that my wife doesn't want me physically or not interested in me. Even when I tried just to kiss her on lips, she often rejected.
One time, I found a link to a lesbian site in her browsing history, but I never ask her about it.
We have two kids that I love, so I want to save my marriage, at the same time, I feel suffering because of our sex life. What can I do to fix it?

Other things is getting better with time, e.g. our communication, our cooperation in solving problem (other than sex), our relationship with each other parents, etc. It's just our sex life that I think is not normal at all.

Greetings Bookncoffee,

Concerning your wife defrauding you with her body: God created us sexual creatures, to be attractive to the opposite sex, it's as normal as breathing, at least, should be.  There are rare exceptions, for a few different reasons. If a man or woman makes a commitment to marriage, than they do not have the right to defraund one another.  She most likely has a desire, just not toward men.  You resorting to others sources is not the answer, and should be avoided~beside, you need to deal with your wife and her lack of sexual desire toward you.  You need to get to the bottom of the problem.  She does not have the right to remain silent, but must be honest with her problem.  Once you know the problem, then seek for more godly advice from this forum, or some godly man of God, or some godly woman, that you may know, but, I would not limit myself to just one person, but as many as I could speak with.  Proverbs 11:14 

Do not sin against your conscience by giving in to porn. 

Acts 24:16

"And herein do I exercise myself, to have always a conscience void of offense toward God, and toward man."

I pray that mercy and truth would follow you, in seeking for the right path that would be pleasing to God.  Be a godly example to your children in all things.

RB

I understand your hurt.  Being rejected physically is very harmful.
Your two options are to go to a sex therapist or go to a marriage therapist.
Insist that your wife do one of these two.  You can use your pastor to assist you in this matter (push for counseling)  but most pastors will not have the skills to do the actual counseling for sexual refusal.
Your wife has to be the one to explain the problem , whether it be painful intercourse, sex aversion, low desire, same-sex attraction.
If you seek a marriage therapist, choose a Christian therapist to work within your religious beliefs.
Until otherwise stated, don't assume it is your fault.  Her sexuality is complicated and there are a lot of factors besides you that contribute.  Continue to repeat that this is vital for your marriage.  Sometimes repetition is needed to get the point across.


God bless you through this struggle.

Was your wife s e x u a l l y abused as a child?
Did she receive negative sexual messages from family or church (including "we don't talk about THAT")

QuoteUntil otherwise stated, don't assume it is your fault.  Her sexuality is complicated and there are a lot of factors besides you that contribute.

Amen.   And, when you are being rejected on a continual basis, it's very hard to remember this, but it's essential to your own
sense of self-esteem.

You have received good advice here. 

I only want to add that pre-marital sex can have quite a bearing upon the outcome of marital sex, too. 

 

Before you listen to all the other advice, the mention you made of pain during sex is extremely important.  The pain can be due to a number of different causes and she really does need to see a gynecologist about it. 

In the meantime, and until the problem is resolved, you really can turn to God for the grace to be the good husband -- and faithful in your mind as well -- that God intends you to be.  What you are dealing with is a severe trial.  Remember, however, the promise that God will not allow a temptation in your life that He will not give you a way out of.  You do not need the porn.  You are choosing it, and it is further destroying your marriage. 

She is afraid of seeing a doctor for several possible reasons:

1.  If nothing is physically wrong, she will feel stupid and guilty.
2.  If something IS physically wrong and it gets fixed, she will be afraid you will want sex a lot and she is not ready for that.
3.  If something is physically wrong and it cannot be fixed, she will feel damaged and less than a woman.

She feels herself in a losing position where sex is concerned no matter what happens.  Be kind, be gentle, try to understand.  If she feels confident in your love and respect, no matter what, she will be far more willing to confront the problem herself.

QuoteShe feels herself in a losing position where sex is concerned no matter what happens.

That's insightful, and you probably are spot on here.

Quote from: Helen on Thu Sep 26, 2013 - 10:17:34
Before you listen to all the other advice, the mention you made of pain during sex is extremely important.  The pain can be due to a number of different causes and she really does need to see a gynecologist about it. 

In the meantime, and until the problem is resolved, you really can turn to God for the grace to be the good husband -- and faithful in your mind as well -- that God intends you to be.  What you are dealing with is a severe trial.  Remember, however, the promise that God will not allow a temptation in your life that He will not give you a way out of.  You do not need the porn.  You are choosing it, and it is further destroying your marriage. 

She is afraid of seeing a doctor for several possible reasons:

1.  If nothing is physically wrong, she will feel stupid and guilty.
2.  If something IS physically wrong and it gets fixed, she will be afraid you will want sex a lot and she is not ready for that.
3.  If something is physically wrong and it cannot be fixed, she will feel damaged and less than a woman.

She feels herself in a losing position where sex is concerned no matter what happens.  Be kind, be gentle, try to understand.  If she feels confident in your love and respect, no matter what, she will be far more willing to confront the problem herself.

I just wanted to add that many such problems are emotional in origin, as opposed to physical. Some good lubricating cream can work wonders, although its hard to know whether she is using this as an excuse, or if it ready does hurt. The fact that she refuses to get any help with this, may possibly mean that she doesn't want it sorted out because she doesn't want to have sex. Just surmising here.

I do think that you are using this as an excuse as to why you looked at porn, but the fact that you have admitted to looking at porn before marriage makes that a nonsense. Please dont look at it, its evil and damaging to you and the marriage.

Are you both Christians?

Quote from: Helen on Thu Sep 26, 2013 - 10:17:34
Before you listen to all the other advice, the mention you made of pain during sex is extremely important.  The pain can be due to a number of different causes and she really does need to see a gynecologist about it. 

In the meantime, and until the problem is resolved, you really can turn to God for the grace to be the good husband -- and faithful in your mind as well -- that God intends you to be.  What you are dealing with is a severe trial.  Remember, however, the promise that God will not allow a temptation in your life that He will not give you a way out of.  You do not need the porn.  You are choosing it, and it is further destroying your marriage. 

She is afraid of seeing a doctor for several possible reasons:

1.  If nothing is physically wrong, she will feel stupid and guilty.
2.  If something IS physically wrong and it gets fixed, she will be afraid you will want sex a lot and she is not ready for that.
3.  If something is physically wrong and it cannot be fixed, she will feel damaged and less than a woman.

She feels herself in a losing position where sex is concerned no matter what happens.  Be kind, be gentle, try to understand.  If she feels confident in your love and respect, no matter what, she will be far more willing to confront the problem herself.

Helen may have some very good points to consider, coming from a godly woman's viewpoint, which I am not.  I was more considering it from a man's view, than considering the woman's emotions and thoughts.  Nevertheless, you must talk with her and work through this.

He said she was unwilling to talk about it:

QuoteI tried several times to talk about our sex life, though, but it didn't work (she won't respond, or just gave very short answer).

I agree you MUST quit the porn.  Get help on that front if you need from your pastor or a christian counselor.

If she continues to be unwilling, then you just have to man-up and go on without that pleasure.