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 am looking for some insight.   I have been married for 13 years.  We have one child who is 7.   My husband and I used to work for the same employer and in the same industry.   I have been the breadwinner for the last 10 years or so.   We work in an industry where we get relocated (working on contract) a lot.  Every time I got promoted, I mandated that I would take the new job/location ONLY with the promotion of my husband.  And every time...it worked.   But, it was a demand my husband made...he wanted to have prime gigs...too.   So,  I always made it happen.

Over the years...my husband has been extremely spoiled about our quality of life.  Only wants homes that we can barely afford and cars that are on lease.   I have wanted to please him so much...I have basically done everything that he's wanted.  I also liked have nice things...but we have gotten so deep in this mess that now we are near bankruptcy.   My husband has been careful to avoid putting anything on HIS credit.  Our credit cards are sepearte...and now he had ME file bkrptcy alone...so "it will keep one credit score okay for future credit approval". 


I have complied because I see his point...but he has not helped me at all.  He never went to any hearings or helped with paperwork.

Well,  this last time I got promoted...(2 months ago)...I couldn't get my husband a job.   He chose to start his own business...doing freelance work.  I had been feeding him quite a bit of freelance work through my contacts and he thought that could continue and allow us to go without childcare/nanny.


So far, this plan is working.  But, it's requiring me to get all the jobs for him.  He is NOT a salesman.  He has blown deals and made very expensive mistakes and if I don't handle the biz deal he will screw up royally.

This means I am working around the clock.  He's working about 3 hours a day and picking up our son at 4 ....so he doesn't have a ton to do.   He makes me dinner etc...even does a little laundry.   But, I'm getting really tired of working so hard and realizing we are STILL broke.

We are in a very nice house lease and it's super expensive.   If he doesn't bring in more money (ie...Me recruit him more business) we won't be able to even pay the bills.  And I make GOOD money.  But, it doesn't mean anything..since everything is going out the window.  I have suggested we move...get a subtenant...take a small hit and get into a more comfortable house.   I dragged him to look at a couple of homes this weekend and he didn't like any of them.   I found yet another one...that is like 1k a month cheaper.  He said he didn't have time to even drive by it today.   He maintains he doesn't want to move.  Neither do I ...but I am scared about $$$.   And I don't see him rolling into any major money on his own....


We have a lot of really negative history.   Him not even being around for a surgery of mine ...problems with anger...  many of these things seem much better.  But, now I'm just really feeling the stress of a bankruptcy and future money problems all of my OWN.   All I do is work...sometimes 70-80 hrs a week.   


We don't have s*x...unless I initiate.  But, we had such a trouble intimate life...that it could be that he doesn't want to even try...considering we have had so much tension.  And quite honestly,  I don't want to initiate because I feel resentment toward him. 

We've gone through counseling several times.   He doesn't seem to want to go back.   He went for individual counseling for awhile because he had anger issues.

I'm so sorry for your difficulties.
You wrote-
".and now he had ME file bkrptcy alone...so "it will keep one credit score okay for future credit approval"
Are you sure about that? Has a bankruptcy attorney confirmed that his credit score will be unaffected? That may be right, but I think your husband's credit score is tied to your credit score - linked by your social security numbers. Is it not? The first credit card I applied for on my own, with no job, and no credit history by myself, was approved because my credit score is linked to my husband's by our ss numbers. I didn't even put his ss on the application, but when the credit check went through for my card, it showed me linked to his credit by my ss number. I'm not so sure his credit score will come out "ok" like he thinks.
If a bankruptcy attorney has told you differently, then maybe I'm wrong, though.

Yes, I have gone through enough of the process to realize his credit has gone untouched.  My case is on my shoulders alone...
I've come to terms with that, I suppose.  I understand his reasoning....

But, the marriage itself....is what I'm curious about...does it sound like i'm hanging on ...out of desperation?

Quote from: mega1 on Wed Oct 16, 2013 - 08:47:55
Yes, I have gone through enough of the process to realize his credit has gone untouched.  My case is on my shoulders alone...
I've come to terms with that, I suppose.  I understand his reasoning....

But, the marriage itself....is what I'm curious about...does it sound like i'm hanging on ...out of desperation?

Want to borrow my copy of Codependent No More: How To Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring For Yourself?

It seems like he doesn't have to worry much, because you take on all his worry for him. You take on his responsibilities for him. You're so busy keeping him afloat, happy, employed, that you've neglected yourself. He doesn't have to help you much because it's easier for him if you do it. He uses anger to control you and your reaction. Just from the outside, it appears to be a typical codependent relationship/marriage. I would hope you'd get counseling yourself from a therapist who specializes in codependency and coping skills. The therapist will teach you how to develop and maintain healthy boundaries in marriage. I hope I don't sound harsh - I'm not meaning to. I know you're at your wit's end, but taking on all your husband's problems and responsibilities is not fair to him and not fair to you. A therapist can help you draw those boundaries. 

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