Christian Forums

So in order to understand the entire situation, I'll have to quickly brief you.
I liked a boy.
He did not like me back. (He told me it would be a miracle for him to be in a relationship right now.)
I was okay with it, it happens.
I assumed he meant he only wanted to be friends.
I was very wrong.
I think I did something bad.
So he's a good friend of mine, we have fun together, and sometimes I will spend the night with him. (Fully clothed, no hanky panky and yes, in his bed.)
Things changed, and I was very confused afterwards. We couldn't sleep the last time I spent the night, and then, when I was finally falling asleep, well his hands started roaming.
We didn't have sex, but other things did ensue.
When the roaming hands started, I asked him what he was doing and said, "I thought you just wanted to be friends. I'm getting mixed signals right now."
He stopped, and I thought that was the end of it. I reminded him that I don't believe in sex before marriage.
His reply was, "Well that doesn't mean we can't fool around right?"
I was half asleep and well, I told him, "I don't know."
We talked after that, about this and that, and then I tried to go to sleep again.
His hands started roaming again, I didn't stop him this time.
It went from one thing to the next, and I kept saying to myself that I would stop him. Well, I got caught up in the moment. Or "moments", actually. Before I knew it we were kissing and then other things happened, and while we didn't have sex, I was somewhere between being mortified and unable to stop. (Okay, I was able, but I didn't really want to even though I should have.)
It was the first time I'd ever been so intimate with a guy.
I'm too horrified with myself to be an adult- I'm 19 by the way- and go talk to him about what happened.
He obviously wants to be friends with benefits and I take my share of the blame, but I had come over feeling upset because it had been exactly 15 months since I lost my brother to a car accident, and I can't help but feel just a little that I was taken advantage of- what with being so niave, sad, confused and tired.
I've been praying and roaming the bible and the bible says that intercourse before marriage, homosexuality, bestiality, intercourse while on you period and incest are all immoral. I have NO intentions of ever having actual sex with him, and even though I let things go as far as I did, I wouldn't have sex with him. Yet, I can't decide if what I did was okay.
As terrified as I was, I was satisfied too, so I have very mixed feelings on the matter. Did I go too far?
What am I supposed to do if I see him again?
SHOULD I see him again?
I can't decide if I'm so confused because what I did was wrong, or if my fear is coming from my fear of intimacy and I was forced to face that. And us not being in a relationship makes it even more confusing.
Any advice for a girl who's naive about intimacy?

MY advise is to stay right away from him and never spend the night with a guy on his bed or off his bed until you are married.
A man who isn't interested in a relationship but just wants sexual contact isn't worth bothering about. Is he even a Christian?

Personally I would always recommend that there is no sexual contact before marriage because of the temptation to go further. Kissing and holding hands etc fine. I think you have been very naïve but that's Ok because we all learn by our mistakes.

Sex is supposed to be an expression of love, not something that happens as in his case with a girl he doesn't even want to go out with. God will forgive you, so put it behind you and be much more careful in the future.

Its so important that any guy you go out with is godly, and has high morals and intergrity. This guy appears to have none of those things, so I would stay right away.

"How far can we go before it gets sinful" is ALWAYS the wrong question. It shows a heart that is trying to get away with as much as possible instead of heart of wanting to please the Lord. 

Paul writes in Romans that whatever is not from faith is sin. So if you are questioning it, it was sinful; if not the activity itself, then the fact that it was not done in faith makes it so.

As to dealing with this guy - Chosen has given some very good advice.

My first question to you is why you would spend the night with him in the first place?

You are far too old for sleep overs with the opposite sex, no matter how fully clothed you were.

You will open yourself up to dangerous temptations because in that state of mind in sleepiness it is far harder to say no, even if you really are not sleeping.

Sin or not it is morally wrong to allow him to get all hot and bothered with no intention of following through. (There is a nasty name for girls like that that you truly do not want to have)

And then following through is truly wrong, especially with a friends with benefits mind set only and not one of a fully committed headed down the aisle one. (Most will say no sex until the I do's are said, but in old testament times the commitment was the true marriage and the wedding was the celebration of that.)

So my advice is to just stay away from this guy because every time now he is going to try to get a little further and do remember this.... avoiding fornication, as in keeping the baby makers apart is only part of it.

Hands and mouths used inappropriately are equally as wrong.

While it seems the OP may have had her answer and left, I think the topic is a valid one for every single believer.

In their classic book "A gift for All Ages," christian sex authors Dr Cliff Penner MD and his wife Joyce Penner RN write that it is better to make your boundaries clear and firm at 9 am over a cup of coffee than at 11 pm in the heat of passion.  And discuss them clearly with your dates/friends/etc.

I would suggest continuing this discussion even if the OP is gone.

Where are your boundaries.  WHy?

What are your defense/escape mechanisms for the times you bump up against (or violate) those boundaries?

Dave I think its best to have boundaries even stricter than you think they need to be, so that you don't get to the point of being tempted and going too far.
Not spending much time alone is also a good idea. 
You also both need to agree on the boundaries, as you said, because if one has them and the other doesn't, then guess what, the couple usually end up going too far. Its hard enough if both agree.
Not going out together or being engaged for too long is also sensible. I have heard so many people say they have been going out for 2 or 3 years and arent even engaged,  and I think that's far too long. If you don't know after a year if you want to marry, then I don't think you ever will, unless the coupe are very young of course.

Quote from: Rella on Sat Jan 11, 2014 - 12:05:38
(Most will say no sex until the I do's are said, but in old testament times the commitment was the true marriage and the wedding was the celebration of that.)

Is what you are saying: sex between a Christian couple is okay once they are engaged, but before they are married?

I disagree.

Quote from: Carey on Mon Mar 10, 2014 - 19:59:15

Quote from: Rella on Sat Jan 11, 2014 - 12:05:38
(Most will say no sex until the I do's are said, but in old testament times the commitment was the true marriage and the wedding was the celebration of that.)

Is what you are saying: sex between a Christian couple is okay once they are engaged, but before they are married?   I disagree.

I don't think that is what Rella was saying. What it sounds like is a misunderstanding of the ancient Israelites' marriage customs.

Quote from: DaveW on Wed Apr 02, 2014 - 11:55:51

Quote from: Carey on Mon Mar 10, 2014 - 19:59:15

Quote from: Rella on Sat Jan 11, 2014 - 12:05:38
(Most will say no sex until the I do's are said, but in old testament times the commitment was the true marriage and the wedding was the celebration of that.)

Is what you are saying: sex between a Christian couple is okay once they are engaged, but before they are married?   I disagree.

I don't think that is what Rella was saying. What it sounds like is a misunderstanding of the ancient Israelites' marriage customs.

That is why I wanted to clarify, but she does seem to be saying a conjugal relationship can ensue before the formal celebration is held, which, while acknowledging my own lack of knowledge,  doesn't seem quite right.

Could you clarify the custom Dave, but I seem to recall something about the groom having to build a house before he and the bride come to "know" one another, I am not sure where the wedding fits in.

QuoteCould you clarify the custom Dave,

OK.  This was the custom in the country side in first century Judea.  It was somewhat different in Jerusalem (for obvious reasons)

When a child was 5-8 years old, his/her parents would arrange a marriage with another family's child.

When the male child of this arrangement attained age of majority (12-13) an official betrothal would occur.  Up to this point either child had the right of refusal which would result it the cancellation of the arrangement. A ketuba (marriage contract) would be drawn up and signed by the couple and both sets of parents. At this point the couple is officially married and have to have an official divorce to break off the covenant; but they are not to be sexually intimate until the next step is complete.

At this point the young man (groom) would start building a home for his new family on his father's farm; often it was a new wing on the family house.  When it was deemed adequate for the newlyweds, the groom's father would tell him to go get his bride. This typically took about a year.  Up to this point the bride still retained the right of refusal.

When the time for completion of the housing was drawing near, the bride's responsibility was to keep an eye on the road to the groom's house so she could see him coming for her which could take place at any time day or night (except on the sabbath) and with no warning. She was to scream out "Blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord" loud enough to wake everyone up or call everyone in from the fields.   The groom comes, collects the bride and they ride back to the new home on his horse and they have their first intimacy.  This was then followed by a celebration/party that could last up to a week.

Thanks Dave.

Quote from: Rella on Sat Jan 11, 2014 - 12:05:38
Sin or not it is morally wrong to allow him to get all hot and bothered with no intention of following through. (There is a nasty name for girls like that that you truly do not want to have)

There are a couple of points on this statement that have been bothering me for a while.  The first one is this:

"Sin or not it is morally wrong..." 

How can something be 'morally wrong' and NOT be sin? 
Sin is anything that misses the mark or falls short of God's glory. Anything morally wrong cannot hit the target of God's will and glory.

The second one is this:

"allow him to get all hot and bothered ..."

Clearly you know little about how guys get "all hot and bothered."  She may be able to avoid INTENTIONALLY arousing him; but that does not mean he will not be all up for action on his own and there is nothing she can do to prevent that.  There may even be little HE can do to prevent it.

Quotein old testament times the commitment was the true marriage and the wedding was the celebration of that.

Yeah - and the wedding/consummation was often a year after the time of betrothal.  (commitment)

No. You should not see him again

You did not do anything wrong, and we are all a work in progress. We are all learning. More importantly, you need to remove yourself from this situation.

You should run away from the situation, and run towards God. A person that is interested in just sex is not a good friend. A friend is someone that cares about you, your feelings and your spiritual wellbeing.

You told him, and he persisted. That should be alarming for you. You put yourself in a compromising position, not just with God, but please consider your own safety. It could have been a lot worse, and there is no shortage of stories out there.

If you need accountability, please seek out a good sister in Christ to talk with. Again - you did not do anything wrong.

Quote from: I love my Lord on Fri Jan 10, 2014 - 04:04:42
So in order to understand the entire situation, I'll have to quickly brief you.
I liked a boy.
He did not like me back. (He told me it would be a miracle for him to be in a relationship right now.)
I was okay with it, it happens.
I assumed he meant he only wanted to be friends.
I was very wrong.
I think I did something bad.
So he's a good friend of mine, we have fun together, and sometimes I will spend the night with him. (Fully clothed, no hanky panky and yes, in his bed.)
Things changed, and I was very confused afterwards. We couldn't sleep the last time I spent the night, and then, when I was finally falling asleep, well his hands started roaming.
We didn't have sex, but other things did ensue.
When the roaming hands started, I asked him what he was doing and said, "I thought you just wanted to be friends. I'm getting mixed signals right now."
He stopped, and I thought that was the end of it. I reminded him that I don't believe in sex before marriage.
His reply was, "Well that doesn't mean we can't fool around right?"
I was half asleep and well, I told him, "I don't know."
We talked after that, about this and that, and then I tried to go to sleep again.
His hands started roaming again, I didn't stop him this time.
It went from one thing to the next, and I kept saying to myself that I would stop him. Well, I got caught up in the moment. Or "moments", actually. Before I knew it we were kissing and then other things happened, and while we didn't have sex, I was somewhere between being mortified and unable to stop. (Okay, I was able, but I didn't really want to even though I should have.)
It was the first time I'd ever been so intimate with a guy.
I'm too horrified with myself to be an adult- I'm 19 by the way- and go talk to him about what happened.
He obviously wants to be friends with benefits and I take my share of the blame, but I had come over feeling upset because it had been exactly 15 months since I lost my brother to a car accident, and I can't help but feel just a little that I was taken advantage of- what with being so niave, sad, confused and tired.
I've been praying and roaming the bible and the bible says that intercourse before marriage, homosexuality, bestiality, intercourse while on you period and incest are all immoral. I have NO intentions of ever having actual sex with him, and even though I let things go as far as I did, I wouldn't have sex with him. Yet, I can't decide if what I did was okay.
As terrified as I was, I was satisfied too, so I have very mixed feelings on the matter. Did I go too far?
What am I supposed to do if I see him again?
SHOULD I see him again?
I can't decide if I'm so confused because what I did was wrong, or if my fear is coming from my fear of intimacy and I was forced to face that. And us not being in a relationship makes it even more confusing.
Any advice for a girl who's naive about intimacy?

That's a little like playing with a loaded gun and hoping it doesn't go off. It's going to be a a bit hard (read: impossible) to put the toothpaste back into the tube now. It may interest you to know that one of the prime causes of poverty is teenage pregnancy and single motherhood. Head for the exit. you have your whole life ahead of you where you will make and lose many friends.