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At age 13 I developed a crush on this girl, first one ever, and I persued her. we both played in the same homeschool CHRISTIAN sports program so we saw eachother all the time. Both our families are good very strong Christian families. she was good friends with my sister to. we did EVERYTHING together, we had the same interests, we got along great in social environments, it was a match made in heaven. We were both sports jocks, I played football basketball baseball and she played basketball. She never had a bf either, and she made it quite obvious she never would have one haha she was suuuper hard to get, she wasn't interested in boys. well I kept on it anyway, I flirted and did everything I could to get her to like me for TWO YEARS... finally at age 15 she agreed to be my girlfriend. We got along great, played sports together, went hunting fishing, (we were really outdoorsies) and it was a dream. she even lives down the street from me. We never fought, and after two years we were already convinced we were gonna get married eventually and nothing could change that. We shared our first holding of hands, first kiss etc, we never had sex though we wanted to save it for marriage like the bible says. first 4 years of our relationship were awesome, we were both so committed, we would brag to eachother all the time about how strong we were and that we would never leave, it was gonna be a fairytale. Our saying was, "Always and forever". I knew in my heart in mind she was the one and I never gave it second thought, we grew up together and it was always her simple as that. well, last year we both went to college, stress set in and we began arguing about things. I got complacent in our relationship and I became selfish, lazy and controlling. we had little spats, nothing serious, nothing that made me think we were having problems that would tear us apart. She never impressed upon me that she was becoming very unhappy with me. until last week of 2013 was the first time she told me, "I am having doubts and I have been having them all year" I was shocked at this and it scared me. I instantly made adjustments in myself, I started getting in shape again, I started buying her flowers and I took her to a play. even then she still seemed excited about us getting married. However I still hadn't let go of being clingy, possive and controlling. well a week later she canceled our date to hang out with a new girlfriend of hers. needless to say I became VERY jealous and when she got back we had our first two, what I would say, BAD arguments. We both said some very regrettable things that I wont mention. well the next day she comes to me saying, "Im sorry for this, this is my mistake but I need to move on. I love you but we have nothing in common and your not the strong spiritual leader I need". Well I was crushed, I cried so long in front of her and she never showed an ounce of emotion, although I could tell she was holding back. She is a very strong willed person, I still thinks she loves me but I think she got scared that I would never get out of my slump and that I wouldn't make her happy ever again. So she left and hasn't talked to me in 3 weeks. all I have done is send her a simple letter of apology... I full well intend to wait for her, she is the love of my life and I will gladly wait with love for her for years to come. I hope she comes around. I simply don't understand, a 7 year friendship, 5 year relationship 4 of which were a DREAM...on a scale of 1, being perfect, and 10, being an abuser. I feel like what I did was a 3-4... I was just lazy and I got a little controlling. I always let her voice her opinion, I NEVER even raised my voice at her once or hit her, never cheated I am sooo faithful... I was just clingy and possessive and she said she felt TRAPPED... I mean I am nice and cordial, I am very successful in school (studying physics) ...how does this merit leaving so abruptly and blindsiding me like this when 4 days earlier we were talking about marriage??? She is not the type to be looking at other guys at all, I honestly think she is a fearful person, she doesn't open up about her feelings to her parents even, and she feels I will never make her happy like I once did. I don't understand and Im depressed. She was everything to me and I thought I was everything to her, we were perfect together and we did have LITERALLY EVERYTHING in common, but I got lazy and made some mistakes like all young 20 year old immature guys do sometimes, I was just stressing her out. Now I may never speak to her again. Her name is Elise

gordonie

I am so sorry for your obvious pain, I feel for you. However, has it occurred to you that God may be telling her to back off because you are not the one He wants for her or she for you? Have you actually asked God with an open mind what HE wants in this?

You say that you have everything in common, but she says that you have nothing in common, so clearly you are both seeing very different things in this relationship. She has been having doubts for a year, so its not a sudden thing for her. Her lack of peace may be God speaking to her. Obviously you were both very young when you stared going out, and people change so much in their teens and early 20's, so what she wanted in a relationship then, may not be what she wants now that she is more mature and has seen a bit more of life.

I really dont think that has anything to do with you not being the 'perfect boyfriend'(and who is after all),but just that she is having serious doubts about marrying you and of you being the one for her. You do have to accept her decision and accept that she is moving on. Its always possible that she may come back at some point, but its just as possible that she wont, so you may need to accept the hard fact that the relationship is over. I am sorry but thats the truth.

Chosenone sums it up really well.

I was crushed by a girlfriend when I was a freshman in college.  It was the most painful thing I'd ever gone through at the time.  I was convinced that she was the one, etc, etc.

Let me sum it up by saying I now count getting dumped by her as one of life's greatest blessings.   

 

I understand we both may not think we are good for eachother but one of us does. And she did to 3 days before she left. I would think after 7 years she would at least give me the respect to talk to me about it since I still do believe we could be happy together, or see counceling before calling it quits... right? Why is she so scared of a professional conversation?

Quote from: gordonie on Wed Jan 29, 2014 - 15:16:34
I understand we both may not think we are good for eachother but one of us does. And she did to 3 days before she left. I would think after 7 years she would at least give me the respect to talk to me about it since I still do believe we could be happy together, or see counceling before calling it quits... right? Why is she so scared of a professional conversation?

She said that she has been having doubts for a year. Just because she didnt tell you that, or you didn't notice it, doesn't mean its not true. You have to accept that for her you are not the one. You have to accept her decision no matter how much you hate it.
I was nearly engaged to a guy when I was 17, we had also spoken of marriage, and I found out he was seeing another lady at the same time as me, and so I ended it immediately. Of course I was very upset, but it passed and I eventually moved on.

She may feel that all she has ever known is going out with you since she was 13, and maybe she wants to see and experience much more of life and the world and a career before she even thinks of marriage and a family.
If she doesnt think she should be with you any more, then why does she need to go to counselling?  You aren't married, so she is free to end the relationship how ever painful it is for you. Far better for her to do it now, than in a year or two when maybe you are engaged and planning a wedding. It cant have been easy for her to end this relationship, so she must have strong doubts that lead her to end it. 

Sorry to hear that :( Maybe she'll miss you and come back to you.

Being needy and clingy is about the worst thing you can do in my opinion. If you have any hope with this girl I think the best thing you can do is go on with your life. Don't initiate any contact for a couple weeks, no matter how hard it is. If there are any opportunities for her to see you (church, school, etc.) make sure you look like you are doing fine. Don't go out of your way to make sure she knows you are doing fine though. Try to find something else to occupy your thoughts. In a couple weeks if nothing has changed consider sending her a text saying you hope things are going well for her.

I am in a similar situation right now and this is what I'm doing. It is hard and the chances are low that she will come back but either way this approach might help you with your sanity.

These are just my thoughts. Use this idea at your own risk! And, try to lighten up if you can. I know, easier said than done.