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Hello everybody..

I'm about 34 years old, previously married (ex cheated / she divorced me / long story)

I don't smoke, do drugs, have a good job, and try to stay in the gym.  I'm a little overweight.  Working on that.  But I've gotten dates before but they were arranged.  (mostly to non-Christians)  Oh yea.. Involved in a church plant and I love reading the bible, going to church, and serving.  Yea.. my dream date would be going to small group then a movie.  man oh man does this sound like a personal.  sorry about that.

Anyways.

On Saturday nights I attend church service with a few friends of mine at a larger church closer to the city.  I get involved a bit there, volunteer, help out for outreach events, etc.  But I just don't know how to approach someone.

I just feel awkward saying.. Hi there.. You look pretty, aren't wearing a ring, would you like to get a cup of coffee and get to know each other.

Every single event I volunteered for everyone of the women my age are married or non-existent.

I know that God has a plan for me and a beautiful Christian (inside and out) is out there for me. 

Any tips / suggestions / ideas?

Feel free to Private Message me if you feel more comfortable. (Caveat.. I don't want real names or phone numbers here.  I just want advice and guideance.)

Be a little more generous with kind words. (find nice things to say about everyone...always)
Be a little more gracious with smiles. (especially if they don't have one)
Be happy for the friends you do have. ( genuine gratitude for friendships and the things they do for you is priceless...and goes further than you think it does)


Be ready to get involved in people's lives...and go out for coffee...maybe dinner.


Make others needs a priority.


Other than that...be patient. You are doing exactly like you are supposed to be doing.

I guess your right.. More patience.. More faith.. More God.

Everything else will be what it will be. 

I just feel like.. I'm doing something wrong.  (not like doing something bad)  Just doing something the wrong way.

Quote from: beal_01 on Wed May 28, 2014 - 15:23:44
I guess your right.. More patience.. More faith.. More God.

Everything else will be what it will be. 

I just feel like.. I'm doing something wrong.  (not like doing something bad)  Just doing something the wrong way.

Let me tell ya,
When my second marriage went bust...I had a role in my church's AV team. It kept me out of Sunday School classes. (I really preferred it this way)


Finally one day the lead guy on the team told me to go to classes. Not going was not an option. **grumble grumble moan and whine** was my answer.


I couldn't go to the class I was in before as now I had to go to a first service Sunday School class and do my AV stuff second service. I walked into the only singles class they had. I listened to the chatter of those in the room and instantly recognized the "singleness sounding" of their banter. The slightly flirty waiting for the other one to give away their desire or affection for the other. Then the non-stop introspection of "what am I doing wrong now? "What can I do to make myself a better prospect?"


Those attitudes really got me depressed. I didn't want to be there. I wanted nothing to do with such self focused people. (I am one that seems very outgoing but is really difficult to get to know well) More importantly I wanted to emulate none of their behaviors and really missed being married for the lack of those particular attitudes while married. (I really didn't wish for my ex-wife back either)  The months dragged on. Their self absorption really drained my reserves. I almost went homeless and no one really knew or cared. (of course I wasn't saying anything either as the "pity me" play wouldn't be received well at this church...nor were any really in any financial shape to assist me either)


BUT


I did meet someone. I was making waves by going against the grain of just being happy being myself and making as many friends as possible. I wasn't flirting. (even though I excelled at flirting...I have many styles and types of flirting categorized and well laid out for every occasion) I simply desired the friendships for what they were and who they were. I attended many singles gatherings...wherever they met for church fellowship and bible study from a variety of churches. And one YOUNG lady one day decided that I was the cat's meow. I befriended her thinking I was going to meet with a dweeb of the most insidious kind. I was shocked and awed by her lack of dweebiness and by her high intellect. She became an instant friend. Then despite my best warnings...she fell in love. I was too old...too ugly...too experienced and worldly...just a dirty old man. But she loves me hard core to this day...and more so every day. I love her more and more every day too.


17 year age difference is a whopper. I am the same age as her parents. But we also get along famously.


MORAL: I had given up on marriage for myself as it didn't seem to work for me. I made friends and found the best love of my life. You always seem to find what you aren't looking for.

beal as I think you know, I met my husband on line. Women in the church have even more problems finding an available man in church of anywhere near their age. There just arent any. I joined one or two Christian dating sites in the UK and after 2 years I met my now husband of 8 years.  I had been a single mum for 6 years by then, and was ready to have a new relationship.

Just some advise. Don't date non believers. Its not worth it.

Quote from: beal_01 on Wed May 28, 2014 - 15:05:37
I just feel awkward saying.. Hi there.. You look pretty, aren't wearing a ring, would you like to get a cup of coffee and get to know each other.

That is it.  Make sure that you look the gal in the eyes. 

Every week, make a point of sitting beside a gal you find attractive and look at her.  If she looks at you, then smile at her.  If she finds you attractive, she will look back and you will be able to tell by her eyes. 
If she does NOT find you attractive, you SHOULD be able to tell that from her look too. 
Either way, keep looking at her until she continues to smile or until she gets annoyed. 

Keep in mind that most women are shy just like you and they have the same worries or fears of rejection.  Many women have no idea either about how to attract a man and they are yearning for men like you to ask them out.  If a woman turns you down, sit beside a different gal the following week, rinse and repeat. 

Quote from: Charming Anarchist on Wed May 28, 2014 - 16:12:48

Quote from: beal_01 on Wed May 28, 2014 - 15:05:37
I just feel awkward saying.. Hi there.. You look pretty, aren't wearing a ring, would you like to get a cup of coffee and get to know each other.

That is it.  Make sure that you look the gal in the eyes. 

Every week, make a point of sitting beside a gal you find attractive and look at her.  If she looks at you, then smile at her.  If she finds you attractive, she will look back and you will be able to tell by her eyes. 
If she does NOT find you attractive, you SHOULD be able to tell that from her look too. 
Either way, keep looking at her until she continues to smile or until she gets annoyed. 

Keep in mind that most women are shy just like you and they have the same worries or fears of rejection.  Many women have no idea either about how to attract a man and they are yearning for men like you to ask them out.  If a woman turns you down, sit beside a different gal the following week, rinse and repeat. 

I think that most women have ways of making sure that a man they like knows they are interested:-)

Quote from: chosenone on Wed May 28, 2014 - 16:59:25

Quote from: Charming Anarchist on Wed May 28, 2014 - 16:12:48

Quote from: beal_01 on Wed May 28, 2014 - 15:05:37
I just feel awkward saying.. Hi there.. You look pretty, aren't wearing a ring, would you like to get a cup of coffee and get to know each other.

That is it.  Make sure that you look the gal in the eyes. 

Every week, make a point of sitting beside a gal you find attractive and look at her.  If she looks at you, then smile at her.  If she finds you attractive, she will look back and you will be able to tell by her eyes. 
If she does NOT find you attractive, you SHOULD be able to tell that from her look too. 
Either way, keep looking at her until she continues to smile or until she gets annoyed. 

Keep in mind that most women are shy just like you and they have the same worries or fears of rejection.  Many women have no idea either about how to attract a man and they are yearning for men like you to ask them out.  If a woman turns you down, sit beside a different gal the following week, rinse and repeat. 

I think that most women have ways of making sure that a man they like knows they are interested:-)

I am certain they try, but...
I think you underestimate how daft men can be when it comes to picking up on such signals.   

I find that the level of daftness is not limited to either genders

Be honest and direct.  Don't be afraid of rejection.

Quote from: JohnDB on Wed May 28, 2014 - 17:41:27
I find that the level of daftness is not limited to either genders

I suppose, but in my experience, many years ago mind you, I was the daft one and a woman had to be pretty direct to get my attention.  But by the time I met my wife, I stopped analyzing every gesture and just blindly pursued.

I think the quote from the movie We Bought a Zoo, is quite relevant for the OP of this thread:

QuoteYou know, sometimes all you need is twenty seconds of insane courage. Just literally twenty seconds of just embarrassing bravery. And I promise you, something great will come of it.

Quote from: Carey on Wed May 28, 2014 - 17:22:20

Quote from: chosenone on Wed May 28, 2014 - 16:59:25

Quote from: Charming Anarchist on Wed May 28, 2014 - 16:12:48

Quote from: beal_01 on Wed May 28, 2014 - 15:05:37
I just feel awkward saying.. Hi there.. You look pretty, aren't wearing a ring, would you like to get a cup of coffee and get to know each other.

That is it.  Make sure that you look the gal in the eyes. 

Every week, make a point of sitting beside a gal you find attractive and look at her.  If she looks at you, then smile at her.  If she finds you attractive, she will look back and you will be able to tell by her eyes. 
If she does NOT find you attractive, you SHOULD be able to tell that from her look too. 
Either way, keep looking at her until she continues to smile or until she gets annoyed. 

Keep in mind that most women are shy just like you and they have the same worries or fears of rejection.  Many women have no idea either about how to attract a man and they are yearning for men like you to ask them out.  If a woman turns you down, sit beside a different gal the following week, rinse and repeat. 

I think that most women have ways of making sure that a man they like knows they are interested:-)

I am certain they try, but...
I think you underestimate how daft men can be when it comes to picking up on such signals.   

Well, if they really ARE keen, they wont let that stop them. 

Quote from: chosenone on Wed May 28, 2014 - 16:59:25
I think that most women have ways of making sure that a man they like knows they are interested:-)

Like what?  Do tell. 

I suppose if the problem is that there simply arent any available women of around your age, then advising you on how to act with a lady isnt any use. Thats why I, and so many other believers, now do go on line to meet someone. I believe that 1/3rd of all relationships now start on line, and I actually know about 7 or 8 Christian couples who met this way. Its may take time, and you may get to know many different ladies before the one comes along, but why not? You have far more chance on line than the women do, simply because they are more women believers than there are men.   

I would just say something to her to let her know you are interested then check her eyes for her reaction. If favorable then go on and ask her out. If not favorable then either she isn't ready to go out with you or you don't turn her on. If undecided then come on a little bit stronger and check for the reaction. If you think she isn't interested give it more time until you think she is.

But you will have to take that step to find out if she is interested or not. It is what an interested man must do.

Quote from: Charming Anarchist on Wed May 28, 2014 - 20:58:52

Quote from: chosenone on Wed May 28, 2014 - 16:59:25
I think that most women have ways of making sure that a man they like knows they are interested:-)

Like what?  Do tell.

Making sure they always talk to them, dropping hints, showing a great interest in them and their life, going to places where they will be, asking their friends about them, and if that all fails, even mentioning to those who know them that you may be interested in a date.
Sorry, all my dating second time round was done on line, so I may be out of date, but thats how girls used to operate when I was single a long time ago before my first marriage.     

There you go, Beal. 
Women will do everything except ask you directly which is objectively the same as being shy. 

Thanks everyone for the replies.. They were very helpful.  The underlying thing that I fear is the rejection.  I think that's why I fail at this.  My buddy Howie said "I've got swagger" once I start talking to someone whom I know is interested in me.  But that's after the ice is broken.  I'm just fearful of making someone mad or them feeling un-comfortable.  Last marriage was pretty brutal on me.  Nuf said about that.

The outstanding vibe I get from these posts is:  "Be a man, approach her and ask her out" and "Go where the fish are"

I did join a matchmaking service right after my divorce was finalized.  I've gone out on dates with Dr's, Teachers, rich chicks, etc.. They are all broken people and I was afraid to talk about my faith with them.  Heck the Dr flat out told me not to talk to her anymore after I asked her if she saw a miracle today. (she worked in the ICU)  Yea I don't like the matches from the matchmaker. 

Oh yea.. Another thing.. Surrender.  Gotta do that.  It's so funny that for me to be "right" in my life I almost have to turn off my free will.. Or the "fleshy" part of my free will.  You know that's a hard thing to do because there's part of us that just want's to work and take control of our lives so that we can "do something".  That's the hard part is to know when to do nothing and "be still know that I am God"

I give up. :)

Quote from: beal_01 on Thu May 29, 2014 - 10:22:37
Thanks everyone for the replies.. They were very helpful.  The underlying thing that I fear is the rejection.  I think that's why I fail at this.  My buddy Howie said "I've got swagger" once I start talking to someone whom I know is interested in me.  But that's after the ice is broken.  I'm just fearful of making someone mad or them feeling un-comfortable.  Last marriage was pretty brutal on me.  Nuf said about that.

The outstanding vibe I get from these posts is:  "Be a man, approach her and ask her out" and "Go where the fish are"

I did join a matchmaking service right after my divorce was finalized.  I've gone out on dates with Dr's, Teachers, rich chicks, etc.. They are all broken people and I was afraid to talk about my faith with them.  Heck the Dr flat out told me not to talk to her anymore after I asked her if she saw a miracle today. (she worked in the ICU)  Yea I don't like the matches from the matchmaker. 

Oh yea.. Another thing.. Surrender.  Gotta do that.  It's so funny that for me to be "right" in my life I almost have to turn off my free will.. Or the "fleshy" part of my free will.  You know that's a hard thing to do because there's part of us that just want's to work and take control of our lives so that we can "do something".  That's the hard part is to know when to do nothing and "be still know that I am God"

I give up. :)

Good, that may be the first step...

Rejection sucks but it is temporary, overcome it and the joy may be permanent.  You understand that you need to give up and surrender your will now...

You know, sometimes all you need is twenty seconds of insane courage. Just literally twenty seconds of just embarrassing bravery. And I promise you, something great will come of it.

Lean on God for that courage.

We all do foolish things everyday that impact our lives and interrupt our sleep, one might as well add asking out the wrong woman to that list, for it is the one foolish thing we do where the rewards far outweigh the risk.

Carey, Thanks for the uplifting words.  Now the hard part is taking from the spoken words and putting it in my heart.

Quote from: beal_01 on Thu May 29, 2014 - 14:22:04
Carey, Thanks for the uplifting words.  Now the hard part is taking from the spoken words and putting it in my heart.

I here you brother, easier said than done.  Godspeed. 

Quote from: beal_01 on Thu May 29, 2014 - 10:22:37

I did join a matchmaking service right after my divorce was finalized.  I've gone out on dates with Dr's, Teachers, rich chicks, etc..

Referring to women as "chicks" smacks of d-baggery...

Quote from: beal_01 on Thu May 29, 2014 - 10:22:37
Thanks everyone for the replies.. They were very helpful.  The underlying thing that I fear is the rejection.  I think that's why I fail at this.  My buddy Howie said "I've got swagger" once I start talking to someone whom I know is interested in me.  But that's after the ice is broken.  I'm just fearful of making someone mad or them feeling un-comfortable.  Last marriage was pretty brutal on me.  Nuf said about that.

The outstanding vibe I get from these posts is:  "Be a man, approach her and ask her out" and "Go where the fish are"

I did join a matchmaking service right after my divorce was finalized.  I've gone out on dates with Dr's, Teachers, rich chicks, etc.. They are all broken people and I was afraid to talk about my faith with them.  Heck the Dr flat out told me not to talk to her anymore after I asked her if she saw a miracle today. (she worked in the ICU)  Yea I don't like the matches from the matchmaker. 

Oh yea.. Another thing.. Surrender.  Gotta do that.  It's so funny that for me to be "right" in my life I almost have to turn off my free will.. Or the "fleshy" part of my free will.  You know that's a hard thing to do because there's part of us that just want's to work and take control of our lives so that we can "do something".  That's the hard part is to know when to do nothing and "be still know that I am God"

I give up. :)

beal it needs to be a Christian dating site and there are many of them. Dont even consider a non Christian site. They wont be wanting the same things in life that you do, and their moral values will usually be much lower than ours need to be. You need a women who shares your faith.
You will get rejection, but that's life. Best to be rejected than be with the wrong person. I was on dating sites for 2 years, and got to know several men before I met my husband. If there are no available Christian women in your circles, then I am not sure what the alternative is. Thats why I joined the dating site, no single men at all in my church of anywhere near my age. 

OldDad.. you're right.  Chicks isn't tool cool of a term.  Everyone uses it around my area it's kinda slang.  But hey I can see your point

Chosenone.. Yep.  I see your point.

Anybody recommend anything other than www.christianmingle.com?

I live in the US.

Quote from: OldDad on Thu May 29, 2014 - 15:15:21

Quote from: beal_01 on Thu May 29, 2014 - 10:22:37

I did join a matchmaking service right after my divorce was finalized.  I've gone out on dates with Dr's, Teachers, rich chicks, etc..

Referring to women as "chicks" smacks of d-baggery...

No disrespect was intended, that is just the way people talk now a days.

Quote from: beal_01 on Thu May 29, 2014 - 15:45:00
OldDad.. you're right.  Chicks isn't tool cool of a term.  Everyone uses it around my area it's kinda slang.  But hey I can see your point

Chosenone.. Yep.  I see your point.

Anybody recommend anything other than www.christianmingle.com?

I live in the US.

google christian dating sites, and see what comes up. A friend of my daughters met her husband on 'Big church.' I think that one is international because they are British. Stay away from the free sites(too many scammers, esp from Africa or Eastern Europe) or the sites which are a mixture of non believers and believers.  Read up on the dangers of internet dating to make sure you don't get scammed.

Sooo.... I went out on a second date with one of the girls from the match maker lady.  We went to a really nice hibachi restaurant.  We had a few drinks and shared some stories.  You know, things didn't start to get good until I started to share my faith with her.

I'm not sure if we are going to be a couple or not.. I've got a few reservations.. But I do think I was able to minister to her a bit. (Not sure if it's right for me to share her stories here or not).  But I think things went well.  I shared some of the parables about salt and love. (Telling people what they need to hear in a loving way).. Also, about how all the commandments can be fulfilled by loving others as yourself.  That doesn't mean kissy kissy / mushy mushy.. But that it means self sacrifice and really caring about someone.  That's where true happiness lies.

I think that she's in agreement. 

She's just been pushed away from the church like so many others.  People being judgemental.  I explained to her that calling sin a sin is good but it has to be done in a loving way.

We left with the understanding of friends first before anything else.  Heck she was even asking me for advice on her friend whom was living with someone before they were married.  I told her that she needed to move out and definitely stop having sex.  She looked at me like I had a 3rd eye. But she did say you're definitely right.

So at least she's got a hint of what I'm made of.

This time around I'm not falling for a pretty girl or an un-beliver.. And most importantly and probably the hardest.  I don't want to have sex before I'm married again.  I can see how it really strengthens a relationship.  If we aren't physically attached to someone our minds are clear to make decisions and the pain of changing a relationship to friendship instead of a "relationship" is more natural and less hurting to both.  Basically God can work.  I can see that if I wait.. It will be worth it.  The interpersonal bonds will be there without intimacy and will actually make that aspect of a marriage easier and better for both.

Thanks everyone for the reads and your prayers.. Hopefully others will read this post and learn from my growth.  Please help keep me accountable as I keep posting. :)