Christian Forums

I'm here training for the marathon

OK.
Well if you enjoy all the worry you have now about whether or not you can have sex if you ever do this worry and anxiety will not just triple it is around 10 times worse.

Having sex inside of marriage is very relaxing while pleasant. It is something intimate reserved for marriage. I'm sure your counselor and others have said this many times to you. Why don't you believe them?

And women aren't objects, they are people just like you with all the same feelings you have. Caring & sharing your life with another person is tougher than having anamalistic sex. Few can do this well. Why not focus your energies there. (On caring for others) instead of focusing on whether you can perform a basic instinctual function.   

Quote from: endoftheworld on Thu Jul 04, 2013 - 07:25:34
I'm still waiting....it's definitely not getting any easier. I'm going to reach 30 and despite having had relationships and opportunities where I could have had it, I'm still going to wait. But I'm really frustrated now and I don't see a way out of this.

Part of me still wants to wait til marriage, as I have waited for so long now I might as well...but when will that be!? Then the other part of me wants to finally experience this so I can finally just say I've done it and prove to myself that I can do it. I suppose right now, it's affecting my entire self esteem figuring out whether I can actually have sex! I know some will say I'm missing out and have already missed out and to some extent I do feel like that but then my Christian faith tells me I've done the right thing and saved myself from alot of hurt and negative consequences that pre-marital sex can bring. My Christian friends tell me that I am placing way too much emphasis on sex. That it's like some amazing experience that I'm missing out on. They say it's amazing in marriage to the one woman you will be with, but outside of marriage it leads to all sorts of hurt, stress and other negative consequences. This is what I've believed for so long and to some extent I still do believe it. However, because I am still waiting for this experience and I'm almost 30 now, it's stressing me out. I know there are Christian men and women who are in my position, some even older than myself and they appear to deal with this struggle alot better.

As time has gone on and I've got older I've started to doubt these beliefs and so I tried but... I failed. I'm fine with actually being intimate with a woman, as far as petting and other things go like oral etc. but when it comes to that actual intercourse part that's where things go very wrong. I remember the few times where I tried I just froze up a bit and my heart started beating real fast at the thought that I might finally do this and as a result I couldn't go through with it because I went soft. And my penis was too soft for penetration. Both times I struggled to get the condom on as well which definitely didn't help either. For sure it never happened naturally like it should, I was just focused on making sure I was hard enough and that I would be able to do this and finally complete this mission. My counsellor said and I agree to that the reason behind this is because I have seen the intercourse act as something that needs to be done, to get it over and done with. That may explain the anxiety but surely many people go through this, 15 year olds go through and somehow manage to get it done. I'm sure everyone gets nervous the first time but what's happened with me?

I need to know whether I can actually penetrate a woman's vagina. It has been killing me inside this thought and I feel like an utter failure. I thought maybe getting a Fleshlight or some kind of makeshift vagina? I know you can create a home made vagina but how accurate is this? Obviously I know a real person is the only way to know for sure...but as that's not possible at the moment, what other ways could there be?

What you're saying is, "How do I commit sin and have sex outside of marriage?"

I am thirty- four years old, and I have never even seen a woman naked, although I have done other things sexually speaking.

I have news for you... Your first time will be something you will never, ever forget. The moment you enter her body you will forever be imprinted on your mind. That is for a reason. It was Gods way of bonding you to her- forever.

The woman you spent years getting to know, staying abstinent. Learning how you cannot live without her, discovering every minutia of her heart. Growing together. Having sex retards that process, and often stops it completely. Why- because you got your desert. After eating that ice cream, suddenly those peas don't look so good. In other words, after she gives you her body, a relationship loses a lot of meaning. And I am not talking about after marriage- because that is what wooing is for. Marriage (And sex) should only happen after you and the woman of your dreams have grown together, bonded together, and become closer to God.

Sex is the culmination of that pursuit, the epitome of human bonding. There is no more intimate thing that can be shared between two human beings. You do not to it with your friends, nor anyone else- only your mate.

Beg God for forgiveness of wanting to squander the precious gift of virginity, and ready yourself for the years of loneliness and discipline that lie ahead for you. It will strip you to your core- but then, and only then, will you have the maturity needed to be in a wonderful, caring, two- sided relationship with a woman. Stop trying to circumvent the relationship and going straight to sex. You will regret the purity you have lost.

Quote from: jakew on Fri May 30, 2014 - 23:53:37

Quote from: endoftheworld on Thu Jul 04, 2013 - 07:25:34
I'm still waiting....it's definitely not getting any easier. I'm going to reach 30 and despite having had relationships and opportunities where I could have had it, I'm still going to wait. But I'm really frustrated now and I don't see a way out of this.

Part of me still wants to wait til marriage, as I have waited for so long now I might as well...but when will that be!? Then the other part of me wants to finally experience this so I can finally just say I've done it and prove to myself that I can do it. I suppose right now, it's affecting my entire self esteem figuring out whether I can actually have sex! I know some will say I'm missing out and have already missed out and to some extent I do feel like that but then my Christian faith tells me I've done the right thing and saved myself from alot of hurt and negative consequences that pre-marital sex can bring. My Christian friends tell me that I am placing way too much emphasis on sex. That it's like some amazing experience that I'm missing out on. They say it's amazing in marriage to the one woman you will be with, but outside of marriage it leads to all sorts of hurt, stress and other negative consequences. This is what I've believed for so long and to some extent I still do believe it. However, because I am still waiting for this experience and I'm almost 30 now, it's stressing me out. I know there are Christian men and women who are in my position, some even older than myself and they appear to deal with this struggle alot better.

As time has gone on and I've got older I've started to doubt these beliefs and so I tried but... I failed. I'm fine with actually being intimate with a woman, as far as petting and other things go like oral etc. but when it comes to that actual intercourse part that's where things go very wrong. I remember the few times where I tried I just froze up a bit and my heart started beating real fast at the thought that I might finally do this and as a result I couldn't go through with it because I went soft. And my penis was too soft for penetration. Both times I struggled to get the condom on as well which definitely didn't help either. For sure it never happened naturally like it should, I was just focused on making sure I was hard enough and that I would be able to do this and finally complete this mission. My counsellor said and I agree to that the reason behind this is because I have seen the intercourse act as something that needs to be done, to get it over and done with. That may explain the anxiety but surely many people go through this, 15 year olds go through and somehow manage to get it done. I'm sure everyone gets nervous the first time but what's happened with me?

I need to know whether I can actually penetrate a woman's vagina. It has been killing me inside this thought and I feel like an utter failure. I thought maybe getting a Fleshlight or some kind of makeshift vagina? I know you can create a home made vagina but how accurate is this? Obviously I know a real person is the only way to know for sure...but as that's not possible at the moment, what other ways could there be?

What you're saying is, "How do I commit sin and have sex outside of marriage?"

I am thirty- four years old, and I have never even seen a woman naked, although I have done other things sexually speaking.

I have news for you... Your first time will be something you will never, ever forget. The moment you enter her body you will forever be imprinted on your mind. That is for a reason. It was Gods way of bonding you to her- forever.

The woman you spent years getting to know, staying abstinent. Learning how you cannot live without her, discovering every minutia of her heart. Growing together. Having sex retards that process, and often stops it completely. Why- because you got your desert. After eating that ice cream, suddenly those peas don't look so good. In other words, after she gives you her body, a relationship loses a lot of meaning. And I am not talking about after marriage- because that is what wooing is for. Marriage (And sex) should only happen after you and the woman of your dreams have grown together, bonded together, and become closer to God.

Sex is the culmination of that pursuit, the epitome of human bonding. There is no more intimate thing that can be shared between two human beings. You do not to it with your friends, nor anyone else- only your mate.

Beg God for forgiveness of wanting to squander the precious gift of virginity, and ready yourself for the years of loneliness and discipline that lie ahead for you. It will strip you to your core- but then, and only then, will you have the maturity needed to be in a wonderful, caring, two- sided relationship with a woman. Stop trying to circumvent the relationship and going straight to sex. You will regret the purity you have lost.

And that purity can never be regained once lost.

I like this post. You should most definitely obey God's word over all else and wait. It's tough, I know it's tough, but if you wait you will be joyful that you did so.

If you think that you might have a "physical problem" with completing intercourse there are professional people who can help you with that. There are many options for drugs and treatments that can help you. A good urologist can work wonders, I know they can because I have consulted with a good urologist who helped me a great deal.

There are also priests, pastors and professional Christian counsellors who can help you with "completing the act."

But like the gentleman said above, you need to find your love and get married first!

I suggest you take an inventory of how you live your life.  Also, take an inventory of who your friends are.  Are you allowing ungodly influences in your life, such as watching ungodly TV shows on a regular basis?  Are you listening to music with bad lyrics?

Consider spending more time participating in church activities.  Fill your time doing good things as much as you can and continually make Jesus your focus, praying often.

There are mistakes one can make that 43 years later still bring pain to the heart.  Take the sound advice of those here and DON'T.

I highly doubt there is anything wrong with you.  Your story is not unique, many cannot not maintain an erection their first time out, especially if they just want it over with,  have concerns about their performance and the reaction of their partner, and even more so, if they are of faith and convicted.

Once married, you will have a partner that loves you, and will not rate your performance to her friends, rather help you along with practice, practice, practice.    And God will bless your union.  These factors make all the difference in the world, sex will no longer bring with it performance crushing anxiety, but loving encouragement.

Wait

Endoftheworld, I am so with you on this! I am so with you, you have no idea! Take it from a 30-year-old virgin who's been lonely, sexually frustrated, and addicted to porn for the last fifteen years. It is not what you have been told. Not even close. For my experience, check out the topic I posted on this very board. It might give you some comfort.

If you don't plan on marrying for a while you should just get a steady girlfriend an have intercourse with her. If you wait too long you might go crazy and end up sleeping with prostitutes or even a homosexual, which are more destructive sins.
You may as well sleep with a decent woman if you going to do it, otherwise your highly fought virginity would be wasted on some easy tart with no heart.

Quote from: FireSword on Wed Jul 09, 2014 - 14:18:02
If you don't plan on marrying for a while you should just get a steady girlfriend an have intercourse with her. If you wait too long you might go crazy and end up sleeping with prostitutes or even a homosexual, which are more destructive sins.
You may as well sleep with a decent woman if you going to do it, otherwise your highly fought virginity would be wasted on some easy tart with no heart.

Please tell me this was sarcasm.

Quote from: Jason_NC on Wed Jul 09, 2014 - 18:16:26

Quote from: FireSword on Wed Jul 09, 2014 - 14:18:02
If you don't plan on marrying for a while you should just get a steady girlfriend an have intercourse with her. If you wait too long you might go crazy and end up sleeping with prostitutes or even a homosexual, which are more destructive sins.
You may as well sleep with a decent woman if you going to do it, otherwise your highly fought virginity would be wasted on some easy tart with no heart.

Please tell me this was sarcasm.

No, just some practical advice to avoid the greater evil. At least with a steady girlfriend the option to marry is always there if need be.
Todays world is different to the past and must be approached with a different strategy. Not as easy as just finding a single girl in town and then marry her.  People tend to move towns and move to different countries too because of jobs etc, so not very practical to get married.

Quote from: FireSword on Thu Jul 10, 2014 - 07:03:45

Quote from: Jason_NC on Wed Jul 09, 2014 - 18:16:26

Quote from: FireSword on Wed Jul 09, 2014 - 14:18:02
If you don't plan on marrying for a while you should just get a steady girlfriend an have intercourse with her. If you wait too long you might go crazy and end up sleeping with prostitutes or even a homosexual, which are more destructive sins.
You may as well sleep with a decent woman if you going to do it, otherwise your highly fought virginity would be wasted on some easy tart with no heart.

Please tell me this was sarcasm.

No, just some practical advice to avoid the greater evil. At least with a steady girlfriend the option to marry is always there if need be.
Todays world is different to the past and must be approached with a different strategy. Not as easy as just finding a single girl in town and then marry her.  People tend to move towns and move to different countries too because of jobs etc, so not very practical to get married.

There is nothing "practical" about telling someone to disobey the Lord. 

No sex before marriage is the standard and anyone who says something else is risking their salvation and the salvation of anyone who takes that advice.

Quote from: DaveW on Thu Jul 10, 2014 - 07:12:21

Quote from: FireSword on Thu Jul 10, 2014 - 07:03:45

Quote from: Jason_NC on Wed Jul 09, 2014 - 18:16:26

Quote from: FireSword on Wed Jul 09, 2014 - 14:18:02
If you don't plan on marrying for a while you should just get a steady girlfriend an have intercourse with her. If you wait too long you might go crazy and end up sleeping with prostitutes or even a homosexual, which are more destructive sins.
You may as well sleep with a decent woman if you going to do it, otherwise your highly fought virginity would be wasted on some easy tart with no heart.

Please tell me this was sarcasm.

No, just some practical advice to avoid the greater evil. At least with a steady girlfriend the option to marry is always there if need be.
Todays world is different to the past and must be approached with a different strategy. Not as easy as just finding a single girl in town and then marry her.  People tend to move towns and move to different countries too because of jobs etc, so not very practical to get married.

There is nothing "practical" about telling someone to disobey the Lord. 

No sex before marriage is the standard and anyone who says something else is risking their salvation and the salvation of anyone who takes that advice.

Where does it say that?

Quote from: FireSword on Wed Jul 09, 2014 - 14:18:02
If you wait too long you might go crazy and end up sleeping with prostitutes or even a homosexual, which are more destructive sins.

FS,

So, what you're saying is that

• The more practice one has in resisting temptation, the more difficult it becomes?
• Keeping God's commandment can cause one to go crazy?
• Under such circumstances as our brother EOW describes (circumstances guided by God's providence), the best one can hope to do is opt for a "lesser" sin?

Let me just offer that it's *not* "waiting too long" that will get someone in trouble, but the ongoing perception that *something* is wrong with him!

(EOW needs some Christian advice from Christian friends, not something he could hear at any bar room!)

Quote from: FireSword on Wed Jul 09, 2014 - 14:18:02
You may as well sleep with a decent woman if you going to do it, otherwise your highly fought virginity would be wasted on some easy tart with no heart.

Or--perhaps *you're* the one with "no heart," if you find yourself a "decent woman" and then use her in this way? Things just aren't that simple.

Quote from: epiphanius on Thu Jul 10, 2014 - 10:54:47

Quote from: FireSword on Wed Jul 09, 2014 - 14:18:02
If you wait too long you might go crazy and end up sleeping with prostitutes or even a homosexual, which are more destructive sins.

FS,

So, what you're saying is that

• The more practice one has in resisting temptation, the more difficult it becomes?
• Keeping God's commandment can cause one to go crazy?
• Under such circumstances as our brother EOW describes (circumstances guided by God's providence), the best one can hope to do is opt for a "lesser" sin?

Let me just offer that it's *not* "waiting too long" that will get someone in trouble, but the ongoing perception that *something* is wrong with him!

(EOW needs some Christian advice from Christian friends, not something he could hear at any bar room!)

Quote from: FireSword on Wed Jul 09, 2014 - 14:18:02
You may as well sleep with a decent woman if you going to do it, otherwise your highly fought virginity would be wasted on some easy tart with no heart.

Or--perhaps *you're* the one with "no heart," if you find yourself a "decent woman" and then use her in this way? Things just aren't that simple.

Apostle Paul said that if lust burns within us then find a woman. So keeping Gods commandments can be challenging. Plus also when one gets older they realize they have missed out on a lot of things that others take for granted.

The problem with Christian friends is just like Jobs friends is that they have no experience. They, being married complain when their wife refuses to do it twice a day but are willing to condemn the unmarried man for lusting after woman. Also I don't see many married men who kept their wife's, but are usually divorced once or twice and were not even virgins when they married, so what can they offer in terms of experience? nothing but condemnation.

I don't agree with using decent woman, if they are of the type to wait until marriage, then the op should avoid those woman, as they would be unhappy with premarital sex. But some decent woman out there do not have those convictions and would be happy to have premarital sex with a decent guy.

Quote from: FireSword on Thu Jul 10, 2014 - 09:29:45
Where does it say that?

You are kidding right?

If not, there are many places.  Lets start with Acts 15.20 where it says to abstain from fornication - an old english word meaning premarital sex.

Quote from: endoftheworld on Thu Jul 04, 2013 - 07:25:34
Part of me still wants to wait til marriage, as I have waited for so long now I might as well...but when will that be!?

EOW,

It always helps to remember that faith isn't simply a matter of living "by the rules," but of living in communion with our Eternal Father, whose love is beyond measure and whose providence directs the course of our lives much more than we would ever have imagined.

From reading your post, it seems your problem is threefold:

• Frustration over not having found a suitable partner for marriage
• Fear of not being able to "perform" sexually
• Simple curiosity about "what it's like"

Now, #1 and #3 are perfectly normal, but in your case it seems they are working together to exacerbate #2, which is a matter of concern. You seem to have a lot of anxiety in this area:

Quote from: endoftheworld on Thu Jul 04, 2013 - 07:25:34
I need to know whether I can actually penetrate a woman's vagina. It has been killing me inside this thought and I feel like an utter failure. I thought maybe getting a Fleshlight or some kind of makeshift vagina? I know you can create a home made vagina but how accurate is this? Obviously I know a real person is the only way to know for sure...but as that's not possible at the moment, what other ways could there be?

OK, brother, you're clearly obsessing about this, and that's not good. Obsession is one of those things that make it hard for us to hear God's voice because we're only open to a certain *kind* of answer from Him, and block everything else out.

My advice is to focus on believing that God has a plan for your life, which will probably include marriage, but possibly not. The important thing is to be certain that doing His will is *always* what will bring us the greatest happiness. Even when He seems far away, God is with us and directing our steps. Rejoice in the Lord every day, and thank Him for everything. Although this sounds strange, even thank Him for your problems, as these are not mere accidents but a part of His plan. (He *does* want to grant us victory over our weaknesses, but even more than this He wants us to learn to trust in Him.)

Quote from: FireSword on Thu Jul 10, 2014 - 11:52:16
Apostle Paul said that if lust burns within us then find a woman.

Not exactlly.  The surrounding text was in the feminine so at that point he was talking to single ladies.  And he does NOT say to just hook up and shag someone; he says it is better to MARRY than to burn. Don't forget the "marry" part.  God doesn't.

QuoteSo keeping Gods commandments can be challenging. Plus also when one gets older they realize they have missed out on a lot of things that others take for granted.

Then I submit that you have an improper view of God's commandments.

QuoteBut some decent woman out there do not have those convictions and would be happy to have premarital sex with a decent guy.

I would not characterize any woman willing to have illicit sex as "decent."

Quote from: endoftheworld on Thu Jul 04, 2013 - 07:25:34
I'm still waiting....it's definitely not getting any easier. I'm going to reach 30 and despite having had relationships and opportunities where I could have had it, I'm still going to wait. But I'm really frustrated now and I don't see a way out of this.

Part of me still wants to wait til marriage, as I have waited for so long now I might as well...but when will that be!? Then the other part of me wants to finally experience this so I can finally just say I've done it and prove to myself that I can do it. I suppose right now, it's affecting my entire self esteem figuring out whether I can actually have sex! I know some will say I'm missing out and have already missed out and to some extent I do feel like that but then my Christian faith tells me I've done the right thing and saved myself from alot of hurt and negative consequences that pre-marital sex can bring. My Christian friends tell me that I am placing way too much emphasis on sex. That it's like some amazing experience that I'm missing out on. They say it's amazing in marriage to the one woman you will be with, but outside of marriage it leads to all sorts of hurt, stress and other negative consequences. This is what I've believed for so long and to some extent I still do believe it. However, because I am still waiting for this experience and I'm almost 30 now, it's stressing me out. I know there are Christian men and women who are in my position, some even older than myself and they appear to deal with this struggle alot better.

As time has gone on and I've got older I've started to doubt these beliefs and so I tried but... I failed. I'm fine with actually being intimate with a woman, as far as petting and other things go like oral etc. but when it comes to that actual intercourse part that's where things go very wrong. I remember the few times where I tried I just froze up a bit and my heart started beating real fast at the thought that I might finally do this and as a result I couldn't go through with it because I went soft. And my penis was too soft for penetration. Both times I struggled to get the condom on as well which definitely didn't help either. For sure it never happened naturally like it should, I was just focused on making sure I was hard enough and that I would be able to do this and finally complete this mission. My counsellor said and I agree to that the reason behind this is because I have seen the intercourse act as something that needs to be done, to get it over and done with. That may explain the anxiety but surely many people go through this, 15 year olds go through and somehow manage to get it done. I'm sure everyone gets nervous the first time but what's happened with me?

I need to know whether I can actually penetrate a woman's vagina. It has been killing me inside this thought and I feel like an utter failure. I thought maybe getting a Fleshlight or some kind of makeshift vagina? I know you can create a home made vagina but how accurate is this? Obviously I know a real person is the only way to know for sure...but as that's not possible at the moment, what other ways could there be?

You sound like me when I was young.  I didn't get saved until I was 26.  My big fear was to get a woman pregnant, which drove me into homosexuality at age 19.  When I was 20, I was at a frat party at school.  My friends had a few kegs of beer and a band.  I was drinking my beer when a girl named Cindy came up to me and asked me to dance.  She started kissing me passionately and she took my wrists in her hands and used my hands to rub her breasts!  We kissed even more and my hands were all over her.

But I thought, "Is she using birth control, and, if so, what kind?  What if I get her pregnant?  Do I really want to risk my education, my career, and my peace of mind just for a roll in the hay?"

My answer was "NO" == and I left the party!

Don't go with prostitutes, homosexuals, and please don't get a vasectomy!

Trust in the Lord Jesus!!!