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Okay, first a little background info. I'm thirty years old, and up until today, I've been a virgin. And not just a regular virgin. I've been an extreme virgin. That is, I've hardly ever even dated a girl, let alone gotten lucky in the sack with one. And I wasn't abstaining from sex in order to honor God, either. I was a virgin because I could never meet anybody (believe me, I tried everything) and it's always been very difficult for me to interact with other people, especially girls.

As you may well imagine, this has long been a point of consternation and frustration for me. Being immersed daily in our sex-obsessed culture; seeing sex idealized in movies, TV shows, comic books, and video games; having to sit by myself and watch all the beautiful girls and happy couples that pass by in every day life; and, of course, gratifying myself almost daily to pornography. After all of this, I had naturally built sex up in my mind to be something better than it could ever possibly be.

At one point, it got so bad that I dropped to my knees and begged God, with tears in my eyes, "Lord, if it is your will that I am to be alone, could you at least make it so that I don't care? Please, harden my heart and dampen my emotions, and take this burden off of me." I was weeping and hammering the floor with my fists as I prayed, because I just couldn't take the torture anymore. I needed the pain and the frustration and the sadness to go away. 

So, a couple of months ago, I met a girl who was also a virgin (she's several years younger than me), and we eventually started a kind of "friends with benefits" arrangement. We fooled around in various naughty ways, but without actually attempting vaginal penetration. We did a lot of other stuff, though, most of which I'm sure you can deduce on your own. The thing was, I didn't particularly like it. None of what we did gave me any kind of real thrill. Heck, it took a long time before I could even orgasm in her presence.

Today, we finally took it to the next step. I put on the condom and stuck my thing into her. And I got nothing! She seemed to enjoy herself, but not once was I even close to orgasm. (I might still be a virgin, in fact, because I didn't actually come when I was inside her.)

On the one hand, I feel utterly sick with disappointment. I feel as if the world has been lying to me about this since the day I was born. (But that's what the world does, isn't it? It lies to you. Jesus warned us straight up about that.) On the other hand, I feel kind of relieved. It's as if I've smoked my first cigarette or had my first beer, and didn't like it. Now that I've gotten that first experience out of the way, I can move on and forget about sex. Oh, I'll definitely still think lustful thoughts when I see a hot girl, but then I'll be able to remind myself, "Easy there, boy. Remember, she might be nice to look at, but she'd be useless once you got her in bed."

So, in summary, God actually granted my prayers. He made me stop caring about being alone and sexless, just like I asked Him to. My life will be easier from now on. I'll hopefully be less lonely, and my emotions will be more balanced. So, next time someone tells you they're skeptical that God hears our prayers, you tell them that God fixed up my wiring so that sex doesn't give me pleasure, and that He did it for my own good.

OH...you are anything but a virgin.


And the worst part of it is that you are responsible for all of your disappointment yourself.


Porn kills your ability to enjoy physical intimacy with a woman. The fantasy of intimacy is much different than the reality. Plus all that porn has made your brain used to and resistant to a particular brain chemical that is released when your need to physically perform is needed.


So...if you want to be normal you have to give up your habit.


This woman that you have fornicated with likely has fallen in love with you. (women are much different than men in this respect) either way once she gets over you she will have a lessened physical response for the rest of her life when being physically intimate. (again not completely your fault...but you get to share in the blame for this one)


So where you are discounting what you have gotten...you really have been a big loser all the way around on this score.


But you can change...do a complete reversal and do what you know to be righteous. God will forgive you and over time the images and expectations will leave your head enough to where you can perform. Also when you are in love with a woman you will relax enough to where physical performance won't be an issue either. She will be your best friend. A friend who knows all of your secret wishes and desires and will want to make them all come true. Mostly she will love you and be your best friend.


Having a friend with benefits is not love. Nor is sex, love. Love is the tail of the dog of love...and tails do not wag dogs.

Thanks for the advice, but the overall point was that I don't have to worry about women anymore, period. I don't have to pursue them anymore. God hates sin, but He can also use our sinful moments to teach us lessons. In my sinful moment, He wiped away fifteen years worth of tears and showed me that I really wouldn't like sex anyway. It's kind of the opposite thing he did with Paul and that thorn, when Paul was all like, "Ow, Lord, please take this thorn out of my side," and God was all like, "Nah, maybe later, lol." God indeed took that thorn out of my side. Now I can leave the thorn discarded on the ground and forget that it was ever there.

But other posts you have made say that you would like to have a wife, maybe children...and the love that these relationships bring.


You can't have porn and those things. They don't work together. having one precludes having the other.


Besides...porn destroys your self confidence. Which keeps you from getting relationships.


Porn isn't as innocent as people think that it is. there are tons of studies that show it...but people still love viewing it. Self destructive behavior isn't anything new. Adam and Eve ate themselves out of house and home...

A wife, yes. Definitely not kids, though. (Which is a whole other problem in itself, because now I'm forced to limit myself to the minority of women who don't want kids.) The primary obstacle in my path, however, has always been the ability to meet women in the first place. Spending my life thus far in various small towns in New Hampshire, I've never had the opportunity to connect with anybody. I've tried numerous online dating services, but to absolutely no avail. That's where most of the frustration stems from. It's not as though I've had the opportunity to be with lots of women and found the experience wanting. Rather, I've almost NEVER had the opportunity to be with ANY women. And, looking at my present circumstances, it doesn't appear that that is going to change anytime soon.

What God has done is take the sting out of these circumstances. Before, I was all like, "Lord, why must I be so alooooone?!". But now, when I start to feel lonely, I can look back on this experience, and I can remind myself, "Meh, sex isn't even fun anyway." And then I can go about my business without spending the rest of the day in a morbid depression.

It may not have been the solution to my problem that I would have preferred, but it's the solution that God saw fit to bestow upon me.

But where is your empathy and concern for your neighbors?


That is a key aspect of having a relationship with Christ. It had a term in greek called Agape love.


If you keep objectifying people, having relationships will never happen. Even to the point of not having any male friends to go and hang out with. And I love having all the relationships and friends possible. I will never have enough. Not that I don't enjoy my "alone time". I enjoy that too. (kinda need it sometimes)


But that is why the very first word in the Lord's prayer.   "OUR" as in Our Father which art in Heaven...IOW we aren't supposed to do it alone. And my wife is my prayer partner. I can pray anything and know she is praying the same right along side of me...whether in each other's presence or not. and that is one of the key aspects of marriage right there. Two people being on the same page spiritually and emotionally.

Oh, I've got empathy and compassion, all right. My best friend and next-door neighbor is a pagan with overwhelming emotional problems. I told him about how Jesus has always been good for me and has helped me out with my own particular brand of problems, and I asked him tactfully if he would like to borrow my study Bible and peruse the New Testament a bit. He took it, but that was at least a couple of months ago. He hasn't opened it since. He just dropped it on a shelf and forgot about it (literally, because he tends to forget things if they're not right there in front of him). He's only getting worse now, and, for the past few weeks, he's not even interested in talking to me.

I'm also doing my best to mentor the "friends with benefits" girl. She's Christian to some extent, at least, and she has an open invitation to come with me to my weekly Bible study, which she usually does. (She's got issues of her own, though. Sometimes she can't come with me because she's feeling too freaked out to leave the house. I seriously have never had a friendship with anybody who hasn't been crazy enough to try to off themselves in the past at least once.)

So, there's those two. I don't know anybody else besides them, with the exception of my family, who are saved already. I'd love to be able to meet more people and help them to come to Jesus, but it took me my entire life just to meet those two people. I'm not exactly a social butterfly.

How can you be a mentor to the girl you fornicated with?

smdh...

Don't know. How is a raven like a writing desk?

I'm sure you meant "WHY is a raven like a writing desk?"

The answer that Lewis Carroll wrote to satisfy demanding readers was this: "Because it can produce a few notes, tho they are very flat; and it is never put with the wrong end in front!" Originally, it was supposed to be a little funnier than that. Carroll spelled 'never,' as 'nevar' — 'raven' spelled backwards — but a proofreader erased the inverted pun before it was published.

I think this conversation has been a bit harsh in some aspects this far.

I can say from experience that porn is a nasty habit.  Checkout yourbrainonporn.com for more on the science and yourbrainrebalanced.com when you are ready for support in "rebooting" and moving beyond pornography.

If you can know Gods love for you and love yourself, then you are well suited to caring for others and building a loving relationship with a woman.  You can certainly explore what role sex has in that relationship.  There are certainly more healthy forms of sexual expression than others but I feel that is God's role to judge, not mine.

Many blessings.

Quote"Easy there, boy. Remember, she might be nice to look at, but she'd be useless once you got her in bed."

Solomon said that he found "more bitter than death the woman who is a snare and a trap." The reason being is that she IS death packaged in something that reminds of something that is actually very good.

Proverbs 5:19
"a lovely deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight; be intoxicated always in her love"

Lust is ultimately a false association with a love that isn't actually there. Not even femininity ("a graceful doe") necessarily comes with her body. If you are lusting, you are imagining something being there--a faithful love for one man--that isn't actually there. That's why it's idolatry. A body is an object and you're imagining something about it, not unlike a block of wood someone imagines is a God, and in so doing offering your body to demons.

1 Corinthians 10:19-20
What do I imply then? That food offered to idols is anything, or that an idol is anything? No, I imply that what pagans sacrifice they offer to demons and not to God. I do not want you to be participants with demons.

It's a horrible thing to do to yourself. I pray you look to God and seek healing. :)

Quote from: MetalMario on Mon Jul 07, 2014 - 16:30:57
Thanks for the advice, but the overall point was that I don't have to worry about women anymore, period. I don't have to pursue them anymore. God hates sin, but He can also use our sinful moments to teach us lessons. In my sinful moment, He wiped away fifteen years worth of tears and showed me that I really wouldn't like sex anyway. It's kind of the opposite thing he did with Paul and that thorn, when Paul was all like, "Ow, Lord, please take this thorn out of my side," and God was all like, "Nah, maybe later, lol." God indeed took that thorn out of my side. Now I can leave the thorn discarded on the ground and forget that it was ever there.

Brother, I fear you are very misguided on this issue and it will only come back to haunt you. Your whole attitude about this situation is along the lines of, yay now I don't have to idolize sex because I had it and I didn't even like it, and yet you say you will still have lustful thoughts when you see a hot girl. You also allude, nay, come right out and say that God answered your prayer and set you up to have pre-marital sex. AND THEN you go on a christian forum to tell us (and boast) all about it  Do you not know that wrongdoers, sexually immoral, will not inherit the kingdom of God?

John was exactly right, porn has de-sensitized you (mentally and physically) and that's why you THINK you didn't like sex. The problem with this is that it's going to leave you even more confused when those lustful thoughts start coming back and you're going to continue down this spiraling path of self-gratification and objectifying women that leaves you feeling empty and searching for that next 'high'. Not to mention the anxieties that can arise from your first time probably contributed to not climaxing.

You said you feel utterly sick with disappointment because the world was telling you that sex was awesome and you didn't think it was what the hype lead you to believe. I think you should feel utterly sick with disappointment about the decisions you are making that are leading you very far from God. Do not conform to the patterns of this world.

Your life isn't going to be any easier for now on. Those feelings of loneliness will come right back, and your emotions are not going to be more balanced. Trust me. If anything they will be more out of balance. Your view on these issues are very skewed and immature. I think you should seek not only God's help but professional help for your underlying issues.

Quote"Easy there, boy. Remember, she might be nice to look at, but she'd be useless once you got her in bed."

If this isn't objectifying women then I don't know what is. Do you not know that she is a child of God. Someone's daughter.

I might have come off a little harsh but sometimes people need to hear the truth. Quite honestly, I am concerned for you. I see a long hard road ahead of you concerning sexual repression if you do not find help. I will pray for you, I do not wish to see a fellow christian brother going down the wrong path.

It seems that giving in to the temptation has created a false sense of sex, perhaps from an underlying feeling of guilt, or disappointment in the experience itself, but when one waits for a partner in marriage, intimacy and sex itself are truly beautiful!

I agree that true intimacy is a beautiful thing and having that in a loving and committed marriage/relationship is rewarding.  Not always perfect, mind you, but a gift from God certainly.

Quote from: Alan on Sun Nov 23, 2014 - 06:04:30
but when one waits for a partner in marriage, intimacy and sex itself are truly beautiful!

Not always. Sometimes that is the mere beginning of frustrations.

In the Old Testament there is a commandment that if an unbetrothed virgin has sex with a man, he is obligated to marry her.  That is, if her father will let him.  Otherwise, he still must pay the bride price for virgins.

As a matter of good ethics, if she is a Christian (and you are), I think you should consider proposing marriage and asking her father.  You've taken her virginity, and defrauded the man that will marry her greatly, if he isn't you.  In any case, you have sinned against the Lord.  IF you two marry, at least you won't be violating the principle of 'two shall be one flesh' in the way that you would if either of you married someone else. 

Btw, sex the first time could be awkward, and sex with condoms is 10% of the real thing without it in terms of sensation.  You are not a virgin, even if you didn't orgasm, if you had sex with her.  Sex could have been poor for you because of guilt.  I've only ever had sex with my wife, and we both waited till our wedding night.  It is good to be able to have guilt-free, sin-free sex.