Christian Forums

I have a decision to make and would like to ask for advice.

My parents divorced when I was 10 and both remarried again. I have a step brother from my father's side. I always loved my dad a lot. He is my soulmate on this planet (besides my amazing partner). My relationship with my dad's wife is very much below zero and I never go to their house. My step brother is over 20yo now and we don't talk. I have the best relationship with my dad even with all this trouble and I know how much he adores me. For the past 8 years I have been living overseas, thousands of miles from home coming about every year to visit my family. I always knew since my dad married again, he started drinking (something he never did with my mum - I was the happiest child in the world until they divorced). He always somehow talked about his drinking with me so I thought it was under control and nothing to hide - not that I would not care but I could not do anything but cry and tell him it hurts me.

Three months ago, my step brother sends me an email, saying my dad is abusing them at home, drinking heavily, occasionally beating his mum, insulting them and that they are worried he will just drink himself to death soon and asking me please not to tell my dad that he is writing to me or my dad will destroy him. I said ok...we exchanged a few more emails during the week, I almost became a walking wreck because I was so worried about my dad. In a week, my brother asked me to please come home and help my dad as I was the only person he knows that my dad controls himself with and they do not know what to do anymore, to please come home not for 2 weeks but several months so we can act. I was planning to go in about a month, but receiving this email, I was on a plane within another week.

Came home, surprised my dad, he was touched and almost cried when he saw me. When I send an email to my step-brother that I was home, his reply was 'shame you did not come 2 days earlier, you would have seen the real dad, as apparently my dad just stopped drinking couple of days b4 my arrival. We met with my brother a week later to talk. We agreed to have a think for another week and then planned to talk to my dad or do something. In a week I contacted my brother and he wrote to me in a very dry sentence he is not going to do anything because my dad even does not talk to him, so he does not feel like doing anything at all. I said, what about me, I am here you asked me for help and now not only you are not doing anything, but you do not allow me to say anything either. I explained to him that I almost lost my job so I could come, got exception at the uni to finish my course from home, left home my partner who's dad is old and sick and I might not be by his side if his dad passed away soon and he cannot even go and see his family and has no family but me where we live, it cost me money to be here for 4 months as my hours got cut down at work, my boss and colleagues are in trouble because I left them in the middle of a big project, I am angry now, I said. His reply was, that I can be angry as much as I want, and that my financials are my problem, that I know best what I can afford.

I found a psychologist for free that my brother was claiming did not exist and invited him to go with me or alone, he said he did not want to. So I went by myself. I lasted another 3 weeks and then my patience was up. My dad has not been drunk a single time since I came (8 weeks ago) and my psychologist (an addiction specialist) says it does not sound like typical alcohol addiction. I wrote to my brother I was going to tell dad he had written to me and he was worried about him, that I would not say any ugly details, that my time is running quickly. He replied, not say anything, things have improved since you came, thank you for that. I said, I am not leaving this country without telling my dad I love him and I am worried about him, I cannot play this theatre anymore. And my brother wrote to me that I betrayed him, he should not have trusted me, that I do not care what will happen with him and his mother, but yes, to go and tell him everything he told me, why not (this was already really sarcastic and angry tone - by email, that is the only communication he conducts with me).

Then I got angrier and told him, that no one cares how I feel about it and that he called me for help, but now does not do anything and does not care about my problems and does not even allow me to talk to my parent that I love. I said they never considered me part of the family and did not even let me know when my dad had a heart attack 2 years ago, being in comma for 4 days and almost dying, and now I was only useful because they did not know what to do anymore. His reply to this was something really revolting. He called me selfish, egoistic, only using words "I' and 'me', that if I am in so much financial trouble, I can go and tell my daddy everything, he will pay me my costs (while my brother admitted they have not left yet because they are worried about their living - my dad is the one who supports the whole family and employs every single one of them including another son of his wife - and my brother still says my dad is a selfish person too...). I calmed down and wrote him a nicer email, just trying to explain myself better....but then I was thinking about what he said overnight and could not even read his reply the next day. I filed all his emails including the unread last one and do not want to hear from him ever again.

I have to decide now whether to tell my dad the truth. I feel I have to. He has not drunk since I came, he can control himself very well, he is so happy I am home. He hides all this from me. To me it looks like he is so unhappy in his life there and I am his little girl from the good times so he might be trying to protect me. I do not know. I feel he has to know I know and that I still love him. It looks like I am the only person now he talks to in some way. According to my brother everyone else sees him as an alcoholic. He is a very intelligent person and I think he does not know other way of handling his depression and problems. Something I cannot do anything about, I know he has to do it and I cannot move here forever now.

But I am worried, because my brother also said things were going better at their home and so maybe if I tell the truth, it will go backward to where it was? My brother says my dad always drinks a lot before I come and after I leave, hiding his bad habit from me. So I am wondering (and I told my brother) if we do not do anything now, then I leave, he might start again, but then I cannot come back again...I cannot even imagine what my brother says is true, but on the other hand, I am glad to know more now, because the truth sets us free and we can adjust.

I cannot imagine this world without my dad. I will be so worried everyday when I am away again, should I talk to him?

Sorry it was long, thank you for reading and for any thought that will help me to make the right decision.

MY thoughts are that your dad is a big boy now and he and his wife should be able to deal with their own problems.
Leave it to them to sort out. You may just make things worse and more complicated if you try and interfere. If he does get abusive then his wife is free to leave him isnt she.

Just wondered if you are a Christian because you have come to a Christian forum. 

chosenone, thank you for your reply. I am not christian, I was on this forum few years ago when I was dating a christian (so he was saying) abusive man and got very good, wise advice and support here. So I came back. You can look through my old posts, you replied to me then as well.
I can leave this forum if it is agains the rules. I am not sure.

Quote from: Maria on Wed Nov 12, 2014 - 06:30:08
chosenone, thank you for your reply. I am not christian, I was on this forum few years ago when I was dating a christian (so he was saying) abusive man and got very good, wise advice and support here. So I came back. You can look through my old posts, you replied to me then as well.
I can leave this forum if it is agains the rules. I am not sure.

No thats fine, and I am glad that you find coming here helpful