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My boyfriend and I have been dating just over a year.  We met about 9 months before that and emailed daily as we are long distance (about 3 hours apart) until we started dating.   

About 2 months ago I discovered his closest friends are the parents and brother of his ex girlfriend.  They dated and were sexually intimate about 7 years ago.  This is weird to me but they got together after she dated his brother for 3 years.  She thought she would marry his brother and was heartbroken so he was "consoling" her and felt sorry for her as they both had just endured a breakup but the relationship did become sexual in nature.

He has always been close with the family as they attended Church together and he chose to not tell me about the connection until about 2 months ago when I asked as I was putting it together in my mind through comments he made.  He tried avoiding and lying several times because he thought it would bother me (I was up front before dating that I had boundaries and did not wish to have exes in my relationship). 

He has been over to the parents, (who are his close neighbours), with just her (his ex) and her parents for thanksgiving supper and a movie while I was at my home 3 hours away and did not tell me until I asked.  He has again omitted to tell me he was there with her and the family several nights ago but something felt off and I asked and then he told me.  She lives 2 hours away but visits her parents.

He has been back and forth from agreeing it is inappropriate to thinking I am crazy for being bothered by this. I have said I respect his friendship with the other family members and don't expect him to cut them out of his life but I have a problem with an ex lover being in our lives.  We have discussed marriage so I'm wondering if I am wrong for believing it is not healthy to have an ex lover lingering in our relationship/possible marriage?  I am also now dealing with insecurity and some distrust because it was lied about and the time spent with her was hidden from me.  I can accept that he has a past as we all do but in my mind this is not being left in the past....Any advice? 

I agree, ex lovers are very best left in the past, and him lying to you is a massive red flag. If you cant be sure he is honest and telling the truth now, then how can you ever trust him?

Another thing is, that if he sees nothing wrong with sex before marriage I would question his morality and integrity, because God makes it very clear that is wrong and damaging. 

Cut him loose.  It will hurt in the short term, but you will be far better off in the long term. 

He is clearly not trustworthy.  Chances are, he is using her parents as cover.

You need to think about the short term vs long term as Bond Servant says. Praying that you will lean on God! Good luck!

Thanks for the comments.  I am pretty torn about it and my mind is all over the place.  After so much communication prior to dating this totally blindsided me.  What attracted me to him was largely his character/integrity.  He seemed to do great and building trust with our distance. 

I can understand being embarrassed about the past and not divulging every detail at the start but when I openly said I wasn't ok with exes around...I feel he stole my choice from me by not giving me the truth before we grew closer.  He said he was scared it would have been done then had he told me so it was a selfish motive to hide it.  It would have been easier to leave early.  I guess my main question is am I asking too much to expect an ex sexual partner to be out of the picture? 

I understand running into her accidentally at the store or maybe a wedding, but this is a more intimate setting with the family/her home.  I suggested he just ask the family not invite us over when she is there and maybe give a small explanation without the details and he is too embarrassed or proud maybe to do this.  He has become quite angry at the suggestion.  However, I'm still processing that he has also now lied and growing distrust and distance and exes is all a little too much for me, I think.

If you do carry on with him despite this, it may be best if you move away when you marry to avoid this happening again.  Do you think some couples counselling would help? Was he a Christian when they went out?

He actually is quite settled where he is and has had his job many years.  Before learning this I would not have wanted him to move.  I'm not sure how I feel about being so close now.  His family is larger than mine and mostly there so I would not ask him to move.  We were both raised very similar in a similar type of church and we both are Christians but I do know he has been struggling with his faith lately also. This is an area I need a strong partner in.  He would have been a Christian from a young age.  We actually discussed talking to someone and he is willing.  He has spoken to a few family/friends but a neutral party would be best and unbiased as this ex and her family are close to his family/friends.  He seems willing to figure it out but I feel he will resent me if he doesn't feel in his heart it's right to cut her out.

Do not marry a man you do not trust. No ifs, ands or buts. You will regret it.

I feel for your situation Addie, but it's most difficult to consider someone deceiving you regardless of how minor they believed that deception was. What will become of that mentality in years to come? A healthy relationship is NEVER based on "what she/he doesn't know won't hurt them". Secondly, if the love he felt for you was deep you would think that he would have felt in his own heart that what he was doing was wrong. I wouldn't want to directly assert that he didn't care as long as you didn't know, but the evidence seems to be there.


Praying for you, and praying that God will help you through this situation.

I agree with the above posts, honesty and trust are vital in marriage. Also the fact that hs is struggling with his faith is a red flag. Does that mean he isnt sure he is a Christian? If so, another reason to stop this relationship.
DO the other family know that he is in a serious relationship with you? if so then why do they think its appropriate to ask him and her for a meal together? Is it possible that  he hasnt even told her/them about you?
You say that he wont move, but he has expected you to move.
Lost of warnings here, will you listen?   

This is a fairly new development so I wouldn't have thought he would have the attitude that what i didn't know wouldn't hurt me but since finding out it was hidden a year plus being there several times without me knowing until I asked my perspective is changing and I feel I'm not sure I know him anymore. If she is worth lying to me over I think that is my answer also.  As for struggling with his faith there have been some church politics etc but I have experienced plenty of things that could shake my faith but my faith isn't based on how people behave nor would that change my integrity to those I love so I am definitely doing some reevaluating of the relationship.

The family knows about us. They do not know about the past their daughter and him shared

This is going no where.  If he is making no effort to get you more in his life and to have a closer relationship with you, vs them...  then he is just biding his time with you.

You need to fleece this situation and move on to your future.  Cut him loose, with no contact at all .. and see what the LORD does with it. Don't trust yourself, the heart is deceitful above all.  But, put the whole situation out where God can deal with it and see what happens.  He will bring it back to you, or help  you to move on. He won't leave you dangling. 

But, this guy sure  is.  First, the fact that he had a relationship with someone who was long term with his own brother... BIG FLAG.  And now, He clings to that past of her and her family... BIGGER FLAG.  It's all messed up if you ask me. 

Quote from: Addie on Sun Jan 04, 2015 - 23:09:15
This is a fairly new development so I wouldn't have thought he would have the attitude that what i didn't know wouldn't hurt me but since finding out it was hidden a year plus being there several times without me knowing until I asked my perspective is changing and I feel I'm not sure I know him anymore. If she is worth lying to me over I think that is my answer also.  As for struggling with his faith there have been some church politics etc but I have experienced plenty of things that could shake my faith but my faith isn't based on how people behave nor would that change my integrity to those I love so I am definitely doing some reevaluating of the relationship.

yes thats probably God who is making you evaluate and not giving you peace about it. If he has faith then no amount of church problems will shake that, and you need a husband who is a  strong believer with integrity and honesty. 
Have you though of a complete break for a period of time so that you can pray and find out what God is saying? Say 3-6 months? 

Quote from: kensington on Mon Jan 05, 2015 - 01:32:06
This is going no where.  If he is making no effort to get you more in his life and to have a closer relationship with you, vs them...  then he is just biding his time with you.

You need to fleece this situation and move on to your future.  Cut him loose, with no contact at all .. and see what the LORD does with it. Don't trust yourself, the heart is deceitful above all.  But, put the whole situation out where God can deal with it and see what happens.  He will bring it back to you, or help  you to move on. He won't leave you dangling. 

But, this guy sure  is.  First, the fact that he had a relationship with someone who was long term with his own brother... BIG FLAG.  And now, He clings to that past of her and her family... BIGGER FLAG.  It's all messed up if you ask me.

also the fact that he thinks nothing of sleeping with different women which God forbids is another red flag. 

He might be on the up and up with his relationship with her.   They are friends.
You might like her too.  Make friends with her.   See what happens when she sees you with him.
Ask her about him when you two get alone.  She probably has insights into his life you won't learn any other way.
Any woman wanting to isolate a boyfriend/husband from the whole world is a big red flag.

Give him enough rope to either make a noose or a net.

Quote from: JohnDB on Mon Jan 05, 2015 - 09:21:42
He might be on the up and up with his relationship with her.   They are friends.
You might like her too.  Make friends with her.   See what happens when she sees you with him.
Ask her about him when you two get alone.  She probably has insights into his life you won't learn any other way.
Any woman wanting to isolate a boyfriend/husband from the whole world is a big red flag.

Give him enough rope to either make a noose or a net.

Umm wanting him to stay away from ONE ex girlfriend with whom he had a sexual relationship (which her family apparently still knows nothing about to this day), isnt the 'whole world'.  Any girl who sleeps with the brother of her long term ex boyfriend and then keeps it secret from her family surely isnt worth trusting anyway.   

In reply to Kensington and chosenone, yes, lately I am thinking maybe some time apart to really think about this is best.  We do have the distance already but no contact might be a good thing to remove myself and clear my head.  I absolutely agree that the heart can be deceiving and yes, the whole brother thing really is messed up (in my opinion this is just an unwritten rule that you don't go there with friends/families exes).  His original answer was to rely on the ex to text him when she would be out which seemed absolutely ridiculous to me.  Initially I suggested he just ask the parents and brother to not invite us when she was there (what he chose to tell them is up to him, I guess, I am just not one for secrets)

JohnDB, I agree completely that anyone who isolates a partner from friends, family etc is emotionally abusive and insecure.  This is not coming from that place for me.  "The world" is an extreme exaggeration.  My take on it is this...Gods ideal was one man with one woman.  These days as a person gets older and the divorce rate and blended families etc it is increasingly hard to accomplish that.  Many people have a past, but the choice to have sex before marriage comes with consequences, again, my opinion and my beliefs/values.  One of those, I believe, is to keep your relationship/marriage as God honouring as possible even if your past is "coloured".  If you had a choice (which we all do) to have a relationship free of ex lovers or with them I believe the healthiest best chance is minus those exes.  Especially the way the world looks these days.  This is my opinion and this issue is met with great debate between Christians and non Christians.  Fact is,  I am neither jealous or insecure, I do not believe he had intentions of going back to her.  He has an intimate past with her and I cannot in good conscience "be fake" and pretend I am ok hanging out with a woman who knows every detail of a partner who was meant to save himself for me.  It feels wrong at a soul level to keep  these ties. 

My intention in posting was to see if my beliefs were the same as other Christians or am I really asking too much of this guy.  I am well aware of couples who say it's no big deal, get over it, etc.  I also know of boundary-setting happily married couples who don't have this drama.  A marriage is more sacred than anything else yet we place insurance on homes, cars...we take care of and protect what we value..I could go on. 

The main thing is that you realize any romantic relationship you enter in has that potential to lead to marriage.  You can fall in love with a bad person, who will lie to you, cheat on you and not even be saved. Then what? Don't believe the lie that you can change them, that isn't going to happen.  Even strong Christians can be dragged down in situations like this. 

Marriage is "Forsaking" all others.  Parents, friends, past friends. EVERYONE comes after the spouse.  He won't even put you first now, what is to say he will "someday"?  As long as you let him treat you as less than you are, He will. You deserve more.  You deserve someone who means it when they say "Forsaking" all others at that altar.  That's the simple truth. You need it, and he isn't telling it.  He is lying to himself too... I believe he is there, for her.  He still wants her.  Sorry. God Bless.

I appreciate your honesty even if it's hard to hear.  I do think the same as you do, and that is why I have really not been feeling good about the relationship since finding this out. (I found out late October and he has not done anything to deal with it) There has just been a bad gut feeling that won't go away. Deep down I know this just isn't adding up and I have started feeling bad about myself and as you say, feeling treated like less than I am. 

I think you may need to be honest with him and tell him of your deep concerns over it all and over the lying, and maybe suggest a time apart. I dont agree that he still wants to be with her. If he did then what is stopping him?

I think I do believe him enough that he does not want to be with her.  He apparently ended things realising it wasn't right for several reasons.  Since he has lied I am just struggling with what I can and can't believe.  He is extremely humiliated about it and I believe this is why he hasn't dealt with it as neither of us see a way around telling the family something and he refuses to do this so far.  I think it is hard for him to see my point of view as he is so close with the entire family and cannot look at it from an outside view.

Addie, if he cannot forsake all others and put you first, especially since you guys are already considering marriage, there is no way in the world that he is going to do it after you marry. This is just a glimpse of what your life is going to be like if you marry him. Do not think it will get better if you marry, it won't. Be thankful that you're seeing it now. At least you have a chance at preventing a big mistake in your life. As you can see he has no regard for your feelings because even with him knowing that this situation is bothering you he has done nothing to resolve it. He just expects you to deal with it. It's obvious that your feelings don't matter to him as long as he can do what he wants. It is very clear that he is putting himself and his feelings first before yours, and you do not want that kind of man for a husband. If you marry him you will regret it. You are a daughter of God. Don't settle for less. Pray for God's strength and comfort, and believe that God will bring a Godly man into your life that will treat you the way you deserve to be treated-with love and respect. May God bless you and guide you!

Thanks for the advice, Kor1.  Since posting this last month we have stayed together but I am seeing exactly what everyone is saying more and more.  He seems very selfish and uncompromising and seems to only care about his own feelings and pride in this matter which obviously shows what I would deal with in other areas of marriage.  It has been hanging between us for 4 months now unresolved.  He has gotten very angry about the ex talk several times to the point of saying he wants to break up (later apologizes) and has stated I will take 2nd place to his parents/family.  Last week he did say he made plans to talk to the family and deal with it, but in my heart it feels too late after seeing his anger and allowing this to fester between us so long.  I feel I've seen a whole new person than who I believed he was and am actually now quite scared at the thought of marrying someone like this.  Anyway, I do appreciate the prayers and advice, it has definitely helped clarify things for me :)

If a husband isnt going to put his wife first, (as he has been honest enough to tell you), then marrying him would be crazy. He clearly hasnt cut those apron strings, or become independent from his family.Hasn't he read that part in the Bible when the man has to leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife? 

Also he lies, and that is another reason not to marry him. Trust is vital in marriage, and you cant trust someone who lies to you.
These things will only get worse after marriage.

I agree completely and believe I pointed out that verse as well.  However, as I keep pointing things out I realise I want a man who already knows this and leads the relationship/marriage the right way. I feel like I've been in a court of law defending the way a marriage should be and quickly realized he should already know this and this is clearly where the issues are stemming from.  It baffles me since the bible is clear on marriage and there should be no argument on that between two Christians.  The lying is also too much. I've started doubting everything now so there really isn't an option but to walk away from this relationship.

I think you should pay attention to how he is constantly hiding this from you and is dishonest in the process.

If there was nothing to be ashamed of and they are all just friends he would have been up front with you from the start and would invite you with him when you're in the area so that you can meet.

I'll tell you this from experience and for what it is worth. I found if I can't trust a guy I'm dating to tell me the truth he's proving to me that I can't trust him at all.


Follow your heart. You don't have to settle for dishonesty in the dating stage. And if you do meet her trust your gut as you watch your BF and the ex interact.
A wise woman once told me, it's wrong to hope to change the wrong one into Mr.Right. The things you're hoping will change in him are the things that aren't there in the first place.

Quote from: Addie on Wed Dec 31, 2014 - 20:38:10
My boyfriend and I have been dating just over a year.  We met about 9 months before that and emailed daily as we are long distance (about 3 hours apart) until we started dating.   

About 2 months ago I discovered his closest friends are the parents and brother of his ex girlfriend.  They dated and were sexually intimate about 7 years ago.  This is weird to me but they got together after she dated his brother for 3 years.  She thought she would marry his brother and was heartbroken so he was "consoling" her and felt sorry for her as they both had just endured a breakup but the relationship did become sexual in nature.

He has always been close with the family as they attended Church together and he chose to not tell me about the connection until about 2 months ago when I asked as I was putting it together in my mind through comments he made.  He tried avoiding and lying several times because he thought it would bother me (I was up front before dating that I had boundaries and did not wish to have exes in my relationship). 

He has been over to the parents, (who are his close neighbours), with just her (his ex) and her parents for thanksgiving supper and a movie while I was at my home 3 hours away and did not tell me until I asked.  He has again omitted to tell me he was there with her and the family several nights ago but something felt off and I asked and then he told me.  She lives 2 hours away but visits her parents.

He has been back and forth from agreeing it is inappropriate to thinking I am crazy for being bothered by this. I have said I respect his friendship with the other family members and don't expect him to cut them out of his life but I have a problem with an ex lover being in our lives.  We have discussed marriage so I'm wondering if I am wrong for believing it is not healthy to have an ex lover lingering in our relationship/possible marriage?  I am also now dealing with insecurity and some distrust because it was lied about and the time spent with her was hidden from me.  I can accept that he has a past as we all do but in my mind this is not being left in the past....Any advice?

Quote from: Addie on Sun Jan 04, 2015 - 23:11:23
The family knows about us. They do not know about the past their daughter and him shared

You can't live your life out in the open while hiding things.  Those things aren't compatible.

Get that out in the open, and then maybe it can be dealt with honestly.  I don't see why he can't be friends with her brother, or parents.  But not on false pretenses.  Something stinks about that.

Jarrod

I agree. I have never asked him to give up the parents and brother as friends, but be honest with them. It's been this big secret. What's happened is he has gone over for supper and movies or games with the brother and his wife, the parents and her or just her and the parents. It appears as a double date or two couples with the inlaws. Like they're all family and I am not present. I have never been over there and we have been dating a year and a half.  What sickens me more is how this ex feels ok in the same room with two brothers she shared herself with when they both go. Just gross. He's finally asked the brother not to invite us when she is there now but after many arguments and as long as this has been dragged on I am not sure I still view him as I did. We'll see if some time changes anything but this has opened my eyes to how I'll be treated and disregarded in marriage. 

Quote from: Addie on Sat Mar 21, 2015 - 18:49:47
I agree. I have never asked him to give up the parents and brother as friends, but be honest with them. It's been this big secret. What's happened is he has gone over for supper and movies or games with the brother and his wife, the parents and her or just her and the parents. It appears as a double date or two couples with the inlaws. Like they're all family and I am not present. I have never been over there and we have been dating a year and a half.  What sickens me more is how this ex feels ok in the same room with two brothers she shared herself with when they both go. Just gross. He's finally asked the brother not to invite us when she is there now but after many arguments and as long as this has been dragged on I am not sure I still view him as I did. We'll see if some time changes anything but this has opened my eyes to how I'll be treated and disregarded in marriage.

I learned the hard way after staying in a long-term relationship, that if a man will lie (or omit to tell you important things) about small things, he will also be capable of lying about big things too.

Honesty has always been a really big deal for me and my family and so when I met this guy, I was struck by what I also thought was good character and a strong family/decent faith.  I noticed very early on though that 'white lies' came easy to him.  We went shopping on one of our first few dates and he had to return a product to a store.  Long story but when quizzed about when he'd bought it, he told a blatant untruth in order to get his money back within their refund policy/period.

Seems like a small thing, right?  But for me I was always raised that you need to show integrity in all things, otherwise you cannot ask God to bless your endeavors.   I was puzzled by his behaviour but ignored it.  As time went on, he would say little things which I felt didn't ring true.  For example one time he was late to pick me up and I called him to see if he was ok.  He told me that he was at the petrol station and was filling up the car.  The next day, we were out again and he stopped for petrol and I noticed the gauge was nearly on empty.  I then remembered that he had supposedly been late the day before because he was getting fuel.  I casually mentioned it and he denied he'd ever said that the day before.   I thought I was going crazy!

He also failed to tell me important things, because he knew it would make me angry, such as the fact that he was still in regular email contact with an ex.  It left me with a constant feeling of insecurity but I didn't know why.   In the end, I discovered that the 'white lies' were only the tip of the iceberg and after many years together, discovered he had been cheating.   

I am not suggesting that this is what is happening in your relationship, but what I can say for definite, is pay attention to the small things. They are often indicators of a person's character and their ability to treat you well.  I consider the 'small things' to be leaks of what is really going on in a person's heart and mind.  We often ignore them, not realising that their REAL character is leaking out in the small things they do or don't do.

You deserve to have a man of honour who will treat you well and make you feel secure.  If you are feeling the opposite of this, then I think it's good to ask yourself why that might be? 

Best wishes...I hope you are able to resolve this, one way or another before too long.

Sorry to hear of your situation.  Much as I would like to believe I wasn't being cheated on I couldn't say for sure after all the lies.  We recently broke up and he said he had lied about wanting to get married (which he reassured me was where we were headed up to the night before he broke up with me - saying he loved me every day).  He re established his friendship with the ex immediately and completely lost his temper with me and I was controlling his life - asking for one ex to not be around.  He first blamed himself for messing things up, then me, then he "didn't love me enough", then he said he's ever wanted to get married to anyone and wants to be single forever so it's all been rather confusing and messed with my mind.  Either way he clearly has some issues.

Addie, I am sorry for how things went down.  I am  for you.

Thats hard for you, but in a way I think its a lucky escape for you.

Addie - I am so sorry this all happened.  But as Chosen said, it is a good escape.  Had you continued with this guy surely things would have went from bad to worse.

Praying for you to heal from the hurt and find the RIGHT guy for you.

Thank you for the prayers. It is hard but nothing good can be built on lies. I'm speaking with a local pastor which helps me see he needed a change of heart. Think I'll stay single for some time after this.