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8 weeks ago I received an email requesting a divorce based on the perception that I wanted it.

I clarified that I do not.

I have not been served since and divorce is not discussed.

Reconciliation is not discussed either.

Any attempts to ask for clarification, check feelings and thoughts and discuss how we move from "Inbetween" are met with silence.

How can we move out of this space? Any insights? Experience?

What's your question?

Oops. Fixed. Sorry

Quote from: ForATime on Wed Apr 01, 2015 - 20:30:30
Oops. Fixed. Sorry

No problem brother. I thought maybe you just wanted to vent and which I could understand too.

When you say you received an email asking for divorce. Does that tell us you aren't living with our wife? That you're separated now?
Please don't feel you need to reveal deeply personal things when I ask this: What do you think would cause your wife to want a divorce? 
Did you have an open line of communication before this email?

We are not living together.

She thought I did. I clarified I didn't.

Either of us is legally able to file and serve at this point and it hasn't happened in 8 weeks.

She will answer emails about our children but not about our next steps (either way)

She dropped off a gift of mine she had given me previously and also some cooking.

!?!?!?

Quote from: ForATime on Wed Apr 01, 2015 - 20:58:00
We are not living together.

She thought I did. I clarified I didn't.

Either of us is legally able to file and serve at this point and it hasn't happened in 8 weeks.

She will answer emails about our children but not about our next steps (either way)

She dropped off a gift of mine she had given me previously and also some cooking.

!?!?!?

I don't know what it means that neither of you are able to legally file at this time. However, that she's keeping you apprised of the children and she's cooking for you is a good sign I'd think. Maybe that particular gift is to remind you of the occasion wherein it was given to you. Recall of fonder times and all.

I would say she's telling you she wants time apart. I'd give her that and not push. Take it slow. I'd also wonder what would compel her to think you wanted the divorce.

Pray and read God's word is my advice. Picture your family happy and loving and together again. If you can imagine it God can make it happen for you if it is what is best for you both and for your kids.

This is a great site to search out relevant scripture on topics of interest or concern.   I hope this helps.

What has caused you to be separated? Are you both Christians?

Thank you.

Either not neither. We can file but is not happening. 

Insecurity both sides.
Yes

Quote from: ForATime on Wed Apr 01, 2015 - 23:28:27
Insecurity both sides.
Yes

You live apart because you are both insecure? Have you had marriage counselling? Have you sought help from your church? Do  either of you have biblical reasons to end the marriage?

We started marriage counseling. She stopped.

We attended a christian course but she refused help in our local church.

From what I read in 1 Cor 7:11 I don't have a reason. Please share any insight

Quote from: ForATime on Wed Apr 01, 2015 - 23:28:27Insecurity both sides.
Yes

That's a very vague answer to say the least.  And if both profess to be believers, then you must work at doing more than you are doing to reconcile.  You are the man, and MUST take the leading role in reconciling all differences.  You must had given your wife some reasons to perceived that you wanted a divorce~did you? Were you giving her any reasons to think that?  If yes, then YOU have to work to do to prove to her, that you DO NOT: if not, then TALK to her and find out the problem with her.  It seem as though reading your words here, that YOU have not done very much to help this situation.  You have children, then you owe it to them to make things work, and you profess to be Christian, then you even have more of a reason to work this out, and should be able to do so, if your faith is sincere.  Divorce is really not an option and should not even be discuss. But, again your answer is so vague. 

WOW some judgment if I was so vague.
Thanks

If one of you hasnt committed sexual sin, or if there has been not abuse or abandonment, I am not sure you have reason to end a marriage. However if she has left you and refuses to return or obey God or do what the church leaders advise, then you cant do much about it. If she divorces you, then again you cant do much about it except delay it as long as you can and not assist her in the divorce in any way.

I would pray hard, fast in some meaningful way, and seriously prepare to talk with your wife about reentering counseling. This is a serious decision for her to make, so take your preparation seriously. Pray for the words to say, for her heart to open to it, and a time that would work well.

Make sure you don't have ultimatums or deadlines, don't come off as holier than thou or demanding, do be loving, do give her time to make the decision, and do trust that God can help you guys make this work (she could decide the other way however).

Thanks chosenone and anx
She has now said it is none of my business if she has found someone else

OF course its your business, she is you wife. Do you think she has?

I hope not of course
Yet how would I know if it is concealed.
I never expected my wife to even put it as an option like that. WOW

She is saying she is happy to be single for the rest of her life.

So, a few questions maybe for the ladies, would you be cooking for your husband if you want a divorce?

If you want a divorce but don't file what is going on for you?

Quote from: ForATime on Fri Apr 03, 2015 - 20:05:21
She is saying she is happy to be single for the rest of her life.

So, a few questions maybe for the ladies, would you be cooking for your husband if you want a divorce?

If you want a divorce but don't file what is going on for you?

1) probably not.
2) I think you need to ask her yourself.

If she is a Christian, then I wonder what reasons she will give for ending a marriage?

I have asked several ways but not like that. I don't get an answer. Maybe I will try this wording.

We don't need to give a reason in our jurisdiction other than 12 months separation and breakdown of relationship. We have "no fault" divorce here.

Yes but surely as a believer she will need to justify this to God?

I don't know what she thinks about that

When hurt, mad, angry or the like you can justify a lot of crazy stuff. I also was told things that were not from someone thinking straight in my separation. Don't take her words now without doubt. She doesn't want reconciliation now, but may later. Your wife is probably making a big mistake in all of this, but there is little you can do besides wait, pray hard, keep working towards reconciliation even if she isn't right now, and keep a righteous path.

Makes sense.

The fence sit hurts as I can't move much (can move more than before).

No follow up action from her regarding divorce and occasional mixed signals.

I am not keeping me going that is for sure. ; )

I still cant understand what may have led to her taking such a drastic step as leaving you.

As she is not answering here, let me give some insight from quotables

"You have done nothing worth affirming in our entire relationship"

"You can't change"

"I am not praying for you"

If I may take it back to the original with a slight change.

She is talking about divorce now but she is not serving me.

How to handle this tease?

Ignore what she says. Until she actually serves the divorce papers you need do nothing, but keep praying. Tell her that you dont want a  divorce and that you will not be going along with it. Just be the best dad you can and put the children first, they are the innocent victims here.

Thank you chosenone

Ignoring may be a little easier if we didn't have to communicate about our children.

Email (her preferred contact) can be nasty in a clever way.

She won't say things direct but thoughts that need to be taken captive

Such as

If I have met someone else it is none of your business

Or when I refer to reconciling she replies with a question asking if I want her to go back to her first husband

Or telling me she is getting a divorce and has a solicitor but I don't receive any correspondence or get served for months

Toying? Deceived?

It is abusive.

If it is a bluff it is quite foolish. This is not a game.

I need divine help to do what your first four words suggest. Onward....

How about you ask her not to contact you unless its 1)specifically to do with arrangements for the children or 2)because she has decided that she wants to work on the marriage. That should stop most emails.

Done. Thank you