Christian Forums

What is the right, Christ-centered way to deal with younger teenagers who have been masturbating in private? What about if they have been told that it's a) selfish b) unclean c) not appropriate emotion to be experienced that young, but still do it? For example, if you were to find "signs" a boy has been doing this, or even saw them, is it correct to confront or punish?

No. Disastrous.
What do you mean by 'not an appropriate emotion to be experienced by one that young?' You say he is a younger teen so 13-14 I am guessing, well into puberty, and he will have testosterone wizzing round his body, and sexual feelings and thoughts will be pretty common.

Why is it unclean?

PLease show me in the bible where God says masturbation is wrong. Please dont being up that chestnut about Onan because his sin was not full filing his required task of giving brothers wife a child.

Now if is using porn while doing it then the porn use needs stopping, but that can surely be done by putting a blocker on all internet connections in your home?

As a mom who has raised a son, and finishing up raising a grandson, I can tell you how I handled this. I went to the Christian bookstore and found sex ed books written by Christian men for Christian teen boys. I read over the books to make sure the authors had a realistic and healthy view of sex. Then, I opened the bedroom door, threw in the books, along with a box of tissue and a package of wipes, then shut the door quickly. You'll also need to start knocking before you enter his room or you'll see things a mom doesn't want to see. If you still see evidence trails in his room, run out and try not to think about it. 
Just try to remember this...Over the mysteries of teenage boy life there is drawn a veil best left undisturbed by their momma. 

Nothing wrong with masturbation - I often encourage my grand children to experiment sexually. It's healthy.

QuoteOver the mysteries of teenage boy life there is drawn a veil best left undisturbed by their momma.

Oh my gosh, YES!

Do NOT make a stink about this, OP.

Quote from: Mark.Truckers on Wed Sep 16, 2015 - 08:06:02
Nothing wrong with masturbation - I often encourage my grand children to experiment sexually. It's healthy.

Why are you encouraging them and what do you encourage them to do??? Also is it your place to do this, being that you are not their parent?

Quote from: chosenone on Wed Sep 16, 2015 - 08:14:04

Quote from: Mark.Truckers on Wed Sep 16, 2015 - 08:06:02
Nothing wrong with masturbation - I often encourage my grand children to experiment sexually. It's healthy.

Why are you encouraging them and what do you encourage them to do??? Also is it your place to do this, being that you are not their parent?

Yeah...masturbation is one thing...sexual experimentation a whole other can o' worms! ( and I would be VERY ticked if my kids grands stepped in and gave sex advice to our kids...not their place!)

We are a very close family and I am the leader of the family I am the oldest thus I know best. I won't teach my grand kids bad things?

Quote from: Mark.Truckers on Wed Sep 16, 2015 - 08:17:45
We are a very close family and I am the leader of the family I am the oldest thus I know best. I won't teach my grand kids bad things?

Are your children married?

Quote from: Mark.Truckers on Wed Sep 16, 2015 - 08:06:02
Nothing wrong with masturbation - I often encourage my grand children to experiment sexually. It's healthy.

I call troll.   

Yes of course I will NEVER allow my kids to live in sin no marriage no kids. Look at society its a mess

Quote from: Mark.Truckers on Wed Sep 16, 2015 - 08:38:21
Yes of course I will NEVER allow my kids to live in sin no marriage no kids. Look at society its a mess

Well, then your job as their leader is over.  Its the husbands job to lead their individual families and you should respect how they want their children raised and with what values.

They should be allowed to leave their parents and cleave to one another to form and build and raise their families.  You can support, but you aren't their authority any more. God is.

I respectfully disagree with you because then a pastor cannot have any authority also and thats not correct. I love my grand kids and only give them my best advise ive been around the block regarding sexuality so I know what Im talking about.

Quote from: Mark.Truckers on Wed Sep 16, 2015 - 09:19:51
I respectfully disagree with you because then a pastor cannot have any authority also and thats not correct. I love my grand kids and only give them my best advise ive been around the block regarding sexuality so I know what Im talking about.

Have you thought about asking their parents for their permission to do so?  That is utterly disrespectful if not. 

And, my pastor is my teacher, but he isn't our authority in the way of telling my husband and I how to raise our kids, or give our kids advice about sex.

Yes I also taught my kids so they know I know what Im talking about believe me. You shouldnt write us old people off we know a couple things about the birds and bees

So where do the parents stand with you teaching the grandkids? What if they have a slightly different perspective, or is there some narcissism involved here?

Quote from: Mark.Truckers on Wed Sep 16, 2015 - 09:28:28
Yes I also taught my kids so they know I know what Im talking about believe me. You shouldnt write us old people off we know a couple things about the birds and bees

Im not writing you off!  I am just telling you that if you are overstepping your boundaries, and taking more than what their parents are comfortable with you taking, you need to readjust.  Your turn is over. Its them that God gave those kids too and its them He expects to raise and train them up.

Also, how would you have felt as a younger husband if your father or father in law didn't respect your role and considered himself the "leader" of your family?

I wouldnt let anyone teach my kids thats my job and thus also my grand kids are my kids also so I can teach them a lot. What if I disagree with my kids regarding masturbation etc and I know they are not teaching the grand kids well. Someones gotta do something. As I said look at society its a mess.

Quote from: Mark.Truckers on Wed Sep 16, 2015 - 09:42:02
I wouldnt let anyone teach my kids thats my job and thus also my grand kids are my kids also so I can teach them a lot. What if I disagree with my kids regarding masturbation etc and I know they are not teaching the grand kids well. Someones gotta do something. As I said look at society its a mess.

Wow. So you refuse to live the Golden Rule that Jesus taught; to do unto others what you would have them do unto you.

You would never allow others to teach your kids, but you allow yourself to teach the children of others.

If you feel your grand-kids parents are out of line, you talk to THEM, NOT go behind their back to their children and undermine what they are teaching!

PS. your grand kids are NOT your kids.  They are the kids of your kids.  Your role is one of support and prayer now, not one of leadership.

Quote from: Texas Conservative on Wed Sep 16, 2015 - 08:29:23

Quote from: Mark.Truckers on Wed Sep 16, 2015 - 08:06:02
Nothing wrong with masturbation - I often encourage my grand children to experiment sexually. It's healthy.

I call troll.   

A Super Blood Moon is drawing nigh.

Quote from: Mark.Truckers on Wed Sep 16, 2015 - 09:19:51
I respectfully disagree with you because then a pastor cannot have any authority also and thats not correct. I love my grand kids and only give them my best advise ive been around the block regarding sexuality so I know what Im talking about.

Your grandchildren are not your responsibility, their parents are responsible for them.

What exactly do you tell them to experiment with? 

Quote from: Mark.Truckers on Wed Sep 16, 2015 - 09:42:02
I wouldnt let anyone teach my kids thats my job and thus also my grand kids are my kids also so I can teach them a lot. What if I disagree with my kids regarding masturbation etc and I know they are not teaching the grand kids well. Someones gotta do something. As I said look at society its a mess.

What an appalling attitude, so disrespectful to your children as parents. Maybe society is a mess because of people like you telling their grandchildren thats its ok to experiment sexually and having no respect for their own parents. No they are not your children and its not your job to parent them.

Quote from: Mark.Truckers on Wed Sep 16, 2015 - 08:17:45
We are a very close family and I am the leader of the family I am the oldest thus I know best. I won't teach my grand kids bad things?

Well you clearly dont know best. 

I understand there is solid evidence that even babies (of both genders) masturbate..... they discover it feels good.   They may also scratch their back and do a number of other things that feel good.

A common proverb (I can't confirm it true) "95% of teens admit to masturbating and the other 5% are liars"   That doesn't make it good or right - but what is, is.  It should not be shocking; it perhaps just be assumed (even if unspoken).   In most cases, they've been doing this almost from birth - it just suddenly feels really good.  SOME claim it provides a "sexual release" and helps them control their sexual.... um..... drive, but we could debate if that's an excuse or not.

IF this violates the values of the family, then you probably should have this discussion, probably beginning around age two.  But I'm not sure it will result in it's end (just in lying and increased privacy and guilt).

IN MY OPINION, the better discussion is addressing issues of porn (because NOW, especially with boys having access to MUCH on the 'net) the practice is often intertwined with that.  And there are those who "do" this WITH others and perhaps the family value is that things sexual are things private.  And SOMETIMES, this becomes a coping mechanism, something done as an emotional "comfort"  and perhaps parents could discuss ways they beleive are effective and appropriate ways to deal with depression, frustration, fear, etc.



Just my half cent.



- Josiah

Quote from: ohiomom5 on Tue Sep 08, 2015 - 01:35:46
What is the right, Christ-centered way to deal with younger teenagers who have been masturbating in private? What about if they have been told that it's a) selfish b) unclean c) not appropriate emotion to be experienced that young, but still do it? For example, if you were to find "signs" a boy has been doing this, or even saw them, is it correct to confront or punish?

Hi ohiomom, it seems that you have received much less-than-helpful advice so far. I share similar beliefs about masturbation so hopefully this will be helpful.

What we have done with our kids from a young age (as young as we deemed appropriate for their stage of development and progressive as they developed more) was to promote for them God's view of their body as well as the purpose of their sexual organs.

Basically how we teach them is that their body is precious and sacred before God and was designed with sacred purposes in mind. This it is not something to be toyed with or mal-used. Gradually they came to know that their sexual organs were meant to be used for the holy marital act of procreation. That is the purpose for which God created them.

All of these things led to an absence of harmful shame about their bodies as well as an understanding that led to a God-centered self-control with a proper knowledge of what God desires them to use their parts meant for procreation.

Now your situation is a bit different because you already have one who has mal-used his body. I think that sitting down with him and teaching him, in a non-shaming and positive way, what God's intent for his body is would be a good first step. Ultimately he has to make the decision to stop. It would be good to tell him that his body is not his own and belongs to his future spouse. I don't think that he would really like the idea that his future spouse might be misusing her own parts and for example giving herself to another boy before they are married. So encourage him to pray for her chastity. And this will by natural side effect make him think about his own chastity. Keep praying for him and altogether The Lord will offer him the grace to stop and he will be more inclined to accept that grace and get back on the right path.

I don't think punishing will help as it is a hidden sin. It will just add shame to the shame he already feels (since he hides it) and will probably just end up making him be more careful to hide it.

Sex is not just for procreation.

Quote from: Hello on Wed Sep 16, 2015 - 13:17:27
Sex is not just for procreation.

No, its not, Hello.  You are right. God made it for enjoyment and to express love within marriage as well.

Quote from: MeMyself on Wed Sep 16, 2015 - 13:19:51

Quote from: Hello on Wed Sep 16, 2015 - 13:17:27
Sex is not just for procreation.

No, its not, Hello.  You are right. God made it for enjoyment and to express love within marriage as well.

I agree in a sense but this is not a thread started to discuss doctrinal issues but to help a person deal with a problem.

Quote from: Catholica on Wed Sep 16, 2015 - 13:33:59

Quote from: MeMyself on Wed Sep 16, 2015 - 13:19:51

Quote from: Hello on Wed Sep 16, 2015 - 13:17:27
Sex is not just for procreation.

No, its not, Hello.  You are right. God made it for enjoyment and to express love within marriage as well.

I agree in a sense but this is not a thread started to discuss doctrinal issues but to help a person deal with a problem.

There isn't one.  She needs to be open with her child about any tie to the act being due to viewing porn, because *that* would be the sin. Not the act of the "m" word.

Quote from: MeMyself on Wed Sep 16, 2015 - 13:49:35

Quote from: Catholica on Wed Sep 16, 2015 - 13:33:59

Quote from: MeMyself on Wed Sep 16, 2015 - 13:19:51

Quote from: Hello on Wed Sep 16, 2015 - 13:17:27
Sex is not just for procreation.

No, its not, Hello.  You are right. God made it for enjoyment and to express love within marriage as well.

I agree in a sense but this is not a thread started to discuss doctrinal issues but to help a person deal with a problem.

There isn't one.  She needs to be open with her child about any tie to the act being due to viewing porn, because *that* would be the sin. Not the act of the "m" word.

If something needs to be done, and there is a dad involved, let the dad handle it.  I can only imagine how horrified this kid would be if mom talked to the kid about this.

Quote from: Texas Conservative on Wed Sep 16, 2015 - 13:52:46

Quote from: MeMyself on Wed Sep 16, 2015 - 13:49:35

Quote from: Catholica on Wed Sep 16, 2015 - 13:33:59

Quote from: MeMyself on Wed Sep 16, 2015 - 13:19:51

Quote from: Hello on Wed Sep 16, 2015 - 13:17:27
Sex is not just for procreation.

No, its not, Hello.  You are right. God made it for enjoyment and to express love within marriage as well.

I agree in a sense but this is not a thread started to discuss doctrinal issues but to help a person deal with a problem.

There isn't one.  She needs to be open with her child about any tie to the act being due to viewing porn, because *that* would be the sin. Not the act of the "m" word.

If something needs to be done, and there is a dad involved, let the dad handle it.  I can only imagine how horrified this kid would be if mom talked to the kid about this.

Well, yes that IS true! I would let my dh field this for the sake of everyone's pride and mental health. 

Quote from: MeMyself on Wed Sep 16, 2015 - 13:49:35

Quote from: Catholica on Wed Sep 16, 2015 - 13:33:59

Quote from: MeMyself on Wed Sep 16, 2015 - 13:19:51

Quote from: Hello on Wed Sep 16, 2015 - 13:17:27
Sex is not just for procreation.

No, its not, Hello.  You are right. God made it for enjoyment and to express love within marriage as well.

I agree in a sense but this is not a thread started to discuss doctrinal issues but to help a person deal with a problem.

There isn't one.  She needs to be open with her child about any tie to the act being due to viewing porn, because *that* would be the sin. Not the act of the "m" word.

In the OP's belief there is a problem.

But masturbation is certainly a sin. We can tell by how God made our bodies. The male parts were made to fit with female parts and vice versa. The end result of stimulating said parts is the giving/receiving of material capable of giving life. Any use outside of that is improper use of the body and is therefore disordered with respect to God's design.

Yes the parts give pleasure too yet that pleasure is only rightly experienced as part of the marital act as the end of that act is the sharing of material capable of producing life. E.g. That rules out masturbation.

But I suppose next time you masturbate, pray to God beforehand and tell Him that you are doing it to bring glory to Him. See if that feels right to you. If not, perhaps you ought to think twice about it. 1 Cor. 10:31

Quote from: Texas Conservative on Wed Sep 16, 2015 - 13:52:46


If something needs to be done, and there is a dad involved, let the dad handle it.  I can only imagine how horrified this kid would be if mom talked to the kid about this.

Exactly. And if there's no dad around, then buy some books written for teen boys by Christian men who have a healthy view of sex and give it to them. If the books are about sex, we don't have to worry they won't be read by our boys. They'll read them. Cover to cover.
There's a bizarre, public service/educational video on youtube that was made in the 1950s, where a mom walks in on her son and tries to discuss what he was doing. Oh my goodness, the awkward look on the boys face. The whole thing gives me the willies, but this convo reminds me of that old, black and white educational video from the 50s.

Quote from: MeMyself on Wed Sep 16, 2015 - 13:19:51

Quote from: Hello on Wed Sep 16, 2015 - 13:17:27
Sex is not just for procreation.

No, its not, Hello.  You are right. God made it for enjoyment and to express love within marriage as well.

yep.

Quote from: Catholica on Wed Sep 16, 2015 - 12:13:26

Quote from: ohiomom5 on Tue Sep 08, 2015 - 01:35:46
What is the right, Christ-centered way to deal with younger teenagers who have been masturbating in private? What about if they have been told that it's a) selfish b) unclean c) not appropriate emotion to be experienced that young, but still do it? For example, if you were to find "signs" a boy has been doing this, or even saw them, is it correct to confront or punish?

Hi ohiomom, it seems that you have received much less-than-helpful advice so far. I share similar beliefs about masturbation so hopefully this will be helpful.

What we have done with our kids from a young age (as young as we deemed appropriate for their stage of development and progressive as they developed more) was to promote for them God's view of their body as well as the purpose of their sexual organs.

Basically how we teach them is that their body is precious and sacred before God and was designed with sacred purposes in mind. This it is not something to be toyed with or mal-used. Gradually they came to know that their sexual organs were meant to be used for the holy marital act of procreation. That is the purpose for which God created them.

All of these things led to an absence of harmful shame about their bodies as well as an understanding that led to a God-centered self-control with a proper knowledge of what God desires them to use their parts meant for procreation.

Now your situation is a bit different because you already have one who has mal-used his body. I think that sitting down with him and teaching him, in a non-shaming and positive way, what God's intent for his body is would be a good first step. Ultimately he has to make the decision to stop. It would be good to tell him that his body is not his own and belongs to his future spouse. I don't think that he would really like the idea that his future spouse might be misusing her own parts and for example giving herself to another boy before they are married. So encourage him to pray for her chastity. And this will by natural side effect make him think about his own chastity. Keep praying for him and altogether The Lord will offer him the grace to stop and he will be more inclined to accept that grace and get back on the right path.

I don't think punishing will help as it is a hidden sin. It will just add shame to the shame he already feels (since he hides it) and will probably just end up making him be more careful to hide it.

No where does God say it is a sin so we must not add to the Bible.