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Any advice would be appreciated.  I am married 25 years, so I am so far removed from the dating scene.  My daughter is 19 and in her first year of college.  She is a strong Christian.  Tonight however, she introduced me to a young man she would like to date.  He is not a believer.  Here's where I have problems.  When I began dating my husband I was in the EXACT same situation.  I was a Christian, he was not.  It took 4 years, but he got saved.  We were engaged 1 week later and married 11 months later.  I am trying to explain to her how that is not the norm, and dating an unbeliever is a recipe for disaster.  But, you know, mom... Why listen to me? Lol. Amy advice on how to explain this is a bad idea.  He's a sweet guy... Just needs to find the Lord.  he apparently has agreed to go to church with her, which s a great first step.

Any suggestions?

Quote from: HappilyMarried on Tue Feb 09, 2016 - 21:55:10
Any advice would be appreciated.  I am married 25 years, so I am so far removed from the dating scene.  My daughter is 19 and in her first year of college.  She is a strong Christian.  Tonight however, she introduced me to a young man she would like to date.  He is not a believer.  Here's where I have problems.  When I began dating my husband I was in the EXACT same situation.  I was a Christian, he was not.  It took 4 years, but he got saved.  We were engaged 1 week later and married 11 months later.  I am trying to explain to her how that is not the norm, and dating an unbeliever is a recipe for disaster.  But, you know, mom... Why listen to me? Lol. Amy advice on how to explain this is a bad idea.  He's a sweet guy... Just needs to find the Lord.  he apparently has agreed to go to church with her, which s a great first step.

Any suggestions?

Why do you want to explain to her its a bad idea?
You are the living proof that it not necessarily is...

Talk to the guy and keep your eyes on the ball.

She is away at school.  I met him last night.  I took them to dinner.  He is genuinely a nice guy ( offered to pay for dinner, gave my daughter his jacket when she was cold, held the door open for her)  I guess I'm just nervous for her.  I know my story is not the norm.  I spoke to her on the phone today at length about the dangers, etc.  she seemed receptive to my and my husbands concerns.  I know I should trust her.  She has a very strong faith and hopefully she continues to pray on the relationship.  I have to trust that she will be close enough to the Lord that if He tells her to run, she will. 

Thanks for the input. 

I have to agree with you, its not a good idea at all to date a non believer. iF you are not going to marry a non believer then why date one? We have 5 children between us and one of them was dating a non believer, they are now thankfully with a believer, and we did pray that would be the case and that any relationship that wasnt of God wouldnt last. The previous partner was a nice enough person, but as most who arent believers, they were pressuring them to have sex after a short time, and couldnt understand why they had to wait.  Thats the norm today.
We know a lady who met a non believer, and she liked him but was determined to just remain friends, and not long after that he did convert, and they eventually married, but the danger there is that the other partner will pretend a conversion or force it to be with their boyfriend/girlfriend and its not genuine and doesnt last.  My SIL had a relationship with a man for ages, but he never did become a believer and she had the heartbreaking decision to have to decide whether to leave or go, and she bravely did leave him. 

I have 2 close friends who have non Christian husbands and its a very hard situation for them. 

However she is an adult and away at college, and has to make her own decisions. You can advise and pray for her, but ultimately its her who needs to hear God and follow him for herself. Pray that any relationship that isnt of him will not last.

Everything you mentioned are things I fear.  It's hard because I feel like I'm preaching do as I say not what I do. 

I worry about the physical aspect of any relationship (although she can't have intercourse until she has a small surgery, she could definitely become intimate in other ways...another do as I say not as I do) 

We spoke at length about the possibility of a "false conversion" done with the sole purpose to make her happy. 

His parents raised him as a Easter/Christmas "Christian", where my daughter has made a decision to let Christ be the Lord of her life.  I don't want her to compromise anything she believes to please him.

The last relationship she had was with the pastor's son about a year ago.  She broke up with him because he told his friends he'd have her in his bed by the end of the year... So the physical issue is definitely not exclusive to unbelievers. 

The only thing I can do us give her Godly advice and pray that she makes the right decision.  He said he'd go to church with her, so, I will be praying for his soul. 

It's so hard because she sees her parents, happy, in love, both faithful in their walk with the Lord, and she knows her mom dated him when he was an unbeliever.  We've told her our story a bunch of times... Her dad gave his life to the Lord on Christmas Eve, we were engaged on New Years Eve, one week later, and married in November.  Missionary dating is such a bad idea, and she doesn't see it because she sees us.  :( I guess for now, all I can do is pray.   

She sounds like a sensible young lady, as long as she realises that at some point down the line she may have to make that heartbreaking decision to end things because he hasnt converted. Its also sounds as if you communicate well with her, just ask God to prevent it if its not the right relationship for her.
We prayed for my step son when he was dating a young lady who actually was a Christian but who was very controlling. We KNEW she wasnt right for him, but we actually said nothing, we just prayed, and he had actually bought the engagement ring when he ended it himself as he didnt feel 100% right about it.

I do know those whose partners did convert before marriage(as with you) and some who converted after and some who still havent, but none of us know yet what will happen here.
Did she consider just being friends with him for now and going to church with him? Has she found any Christian groups at her college? SO important for her to make Christian friends there. 

Yes, she has joined the Christian group at her school.  Her roommate is also a Christian.  They found a church near school within a month of starting there.  I am so blessed to ave a daughter who wanted to make sure her relationship with the Lord didn't faulter while at college... I am very glad she is open to our advice.  She is an "adult" lol if you can really be an adult at 19.. So I don't have any control over what she does.  I will continue to pray she walks in the path God has for her.. Thank you so much for helping me with perspective. 

Quote from: HappilyMarried on Thu Feb 11, 2016 - 13:40:26
Yes, she has joined the Christian group at her school.  Her roommate is also a Christian.  They found a church near school within a month of starting there.  I am so blessed to ave a daughter who wanted to make sure her relationship with the Lord didn't faulter while at college... I am very glad she is open to our advice.  She is an "adult" lol if you can really be an adult at 19.. So I don't have any control over what she does.  I will continue to pray she walks in the path God has for her.. Thank you so much for helping me with perspective.

Well I was married at 19, we bought out first place at 20, and I had my first child at 21!

I can't imagine her being that mature yet. lol but thinking back... you are right... I was pregnant at 19, a mom at 20 and married at 21.

This is not about your daughter dating an unbeliever, but more about keeping her in the faith in college.  Dr Dan Juster, ThD wrote an article in the Tikkun newsletter this month that speaks to that. 

http://www.tikkuninternational.org/newsletters/004a3b+dj-feb16.php

QuoteThe Secular University Experience 

Here are some observations. When our young adults enter secular universities and even secularized religious rooted schools, they dive into a complete cultural immersion that is almost totally negative toward Biblical faith and worldview. For many this follows the hugely deleterious social influence of 12 years in public schools before college! Even if they major in business or a subject that seems to have no direct connection to religion and philosophy, they will be surrounded by post-modern relativism which claims no one can really know the truth about world-views and meta-narratives. They will be educated in evolutionism and far leftist political ideologies that define justice as equality. This is contrary to the biblical idea of justice which is equality under the Law and an order of society where all can fulfill their God-intended destinies. They will be flooded with sexual messages and a culture that is promiscuous. Our young people are not prepared for this experience. In addition, they usually do not have mentors in the university who can walk them through the questions and issues. We are social beings and are "socialized" into the prevailing sense of reality. This happens almost unconsciously. Without a very strong group of supportive fellow believers, our young students are easy prey.

Even back in my days at one of the foremost Christian colleges, there were many who "gave up the faith". Christian college students are plunged into a world of reading, scholarship and influences that can easily make our faith and world view seem childish, though it is not! It is the very best and most defensible world-view! Albeit, most who attend Evangelical Christian college do not lose faith, but far too many do. And there is yet one more element. Even for those who do not renounce their biblical world-view, something changes in them after their education. Likewise, in the Evangelical Seminary, almost none give up the biblical world-view, but during the educational process their passion, anointing for evangelism, and winsome vibrant confidence noticeably declines. John Wimber made the statement that as he became educated in an Evangelical graduate institution he became what others thought was more and more mature, but was really more and more dead!

Follow the link for the entire article

Honestly when a fellow finds himself/herself in such a situation,it's never easy to break away on such matters seeing that there has been already a soul ties.
Firstly it requires enough prayers for your Daughter and as well talking to her as much as you can on the dangers of dating an unbeliever.
Although a change of decision on her path might be automatic but a good seed has been sown,therefore a constant prayer and advice for her will certainly contribute much in her life.
But where she is over taken by Love At First Sight and desperation in dating him,then you need to advice her on the needed steps she must take to bring the man closer God mostly getting him born again.
That you had the grace to convert your man to a believer is not a criteria that such Grace might be replicated in your daughter's affairs but however God understands our weaknesses and He'll always make a way for an escape.Remain blessed

That's a tough one. I've found that dating non-believers will always bring trouble. But I had to learn the hard way.

hi,

i am 21 years old and i was in the same situation as your daughter. let me tell you a little bit about my situation. I met this guy, who had an orthodox belief. that didnt ring that many alarm bells in me because my mum turned to baptism and has taught me beliefs along with my dad that are taught in a baptist church. my mum was likewise a very concerned mother who was worried because her daughter is going out with someone who doesn't believe in the same belief. we started dating, we fell in love, we were talking about marriage, children, moving half across the world for a better job for our future children, he even came to church. what's not to love right? my parents got on really well with him and everything was like a fictional romance. or so i thought. i have spoken to the church elders at my current church (i go to a brethren type of church now) and they were warning me. warning me that i wasnt doing it the right way, i was doing it my own way, thinking that i can play God and bring that man to church. i thought that the reaction i received was a little bit too extreme. anyway.. we still carried on going to church, we even started praying together and all i could see was wedding bells with the man that i loved with all of my heart. then something happened in my family. i nearly lost my father. and the man i was in love with became my rock and my number one support system. after some time, my dad started to recover (praise the Lord), and because me and my guy have went through so much, i knew that we would be together forever etc. (naive, i know). to cut short, i let him go over boundaries and we had sex. and then it was as if my eyes were open. he knew that i only wanted to be intimate with a husband, he knew that i was saving myself for the one that Lord has prepared for me and then in the middle of an argument, he said that he never wanted to become a christian and that he was always hurt by the fact that i couldnt accept him the way he was even though he went to church with me and we even prayed together. to say that i was heartbroken was an absolute understatement. you may say, your daughter would never be like that or do something like that (i pray that she wont ever be put in the same situation where she would feel pressured physically), i never thought that i would be with a non christian, let alone to be considering a marriage. now let me tell you what my mum feels like. my mum feels regret to a very deep extent. she feels like because she has let me date this young man, she put me in the danger of maybe one day becoming physical with him. she felt that she has betrayed me. we both couldnt go to church for some time because we felt shame and regret. my mum has also been the one who got my dad to become a christian but it was also very difficult for her.

my advice is.. dont encourage your daughter to step into a relationship with an unbeliever. yes, there are cases with a happy ending but let me tell you this. if they chose to just stay as friends FOR NOW, let your daughter encourage this young man to come to church as friends. GOD needs to be on the first place for him. as for your daughter, she needs to pray pray pray for this young man to be saved. if there is a risk that your daughter will get hurt in the long run, dont take it. it will hurt a lot less now than later!


i will be praying for you as i know that it is not an easy situation to be in. trust in God and He will show us the way that He has prepared for us.

Quote from: HappilyMarried on Wed Feb 10, 2016 - 21:16:25
Everything you mentioned are things I fear.  It's hard because I feel like I'm preaching do as I say not what I do. 

I worry about the physical aspect of any relationship (although she can't have intercourse until she has a small surgery, she could definitely become intimate in other ways...another do as I say not as I do) 

We spoke at length about the possibility of a "false conversion" done with the sole purpose to make her happy. 

His parents raised him as a Easter/Christmas "Christian", where my daughter has made a decision to let Christ be the Lord of her life.  I don't want her to compromise anything she believes to please him.

The last relationship she had was with the pastor's son about a year ago.  She broke up with him because he told his friends he'd have her in his bed by the end of the year... So the physical issue is definitely not exclusive to unbelievers. 

The only thing I can do us give her Godly advice and pray that she makes the right decision.  He said he'd go to church with her, so, I will be praying for his soul. 

It's so hard because she sees her parents, happy, in love, both faithful in their walk with the Lord, and she knows her mom dated him when he was an unbeliever.  We've told her our story a bunch of times... Her dad gave his life to the Lord on Christmas Eve, we were engaged on New Years Eve, one week later, and married in November.  Missionary dating is such a bad idea, and she doesn't see it because she sees us.  :( I guess for now, all I can do is pray.

My mother married an unbeliever. Gave a lot of trouble, but they're happily married now and he's almost saved. I just wanted to obey God, so I married a pastor. Then he dumped me and I was like: you can't trust those christians. My parents have a much better marriage. So I remarried an atheist. It was a disaster from day one, I fell from my faith and I think it was sin to remarry, since my ex only chatted.
The  after that divorce no christian wants you. Wanted to do the same thing with a guy who did believe but was on pot. Wanted to marry him. Didn't listen to my mother. Then I asked a guy on a forum. He was wise. He didn't say don't do it, but that I should take it really slow. Broke it off the same week.
My mother just prayed.
I think she is disappointed with those supposedly holy christians now. Just warn her to be just friends and take it very slow and not get into temptation by hanging out together in an apartment. I know succesful couples where he converted but they all had very strict boundaries and made it clear that marriage was no option if he didn't convert.
The guy I married did say the sinner's prayer, but wasn't saved. He also started drugs again as soon as we married, but I gave in. If this guy is decent and respects her boundaries and keeps his hands with him it could go well. Just pray a lot.