Christian Forums

Hi everyone,

I'm new here, and would greatly appreciate prayers and advice. My husband and I became believers while dating and were engaged right after my baptism. My husband grew up in very difficult circumstances: abusive step-father, treated like an outcast by his dad who remarried and showed favoritism to his stepchildren. He came into our relationship with a lot of baggage, but so did I.

He was a smoker when we first started dating, and I told him at the time that I couldn't bear to marry a smoker because of the heartache that would come from losing a husband to lung disease, etc. He said it was a good idea to quit anyway, and led me to believe that he did. I found out on our honeymoon that he had been lying to me and hiding his habit. It really put a damper on things. Over the 9 1/2 years since then, he has pretended to quit several other times, after which I would find evidence that he was lying to me. It has made it very difficult to trust him. I know that smoking itself is not a sin, but lying to someone repeatedly is a sin, one that as of yesterday he has consistently committed.

This is not even the biggest problem though. Since our courtship, I have caught him in the habit of viewing porn on four separate occasions. These are only the times he's been caught, so I really have no idea how often he's been doing this. He knows it's wrong and has admitted it. He will pretend he needs to use the restroom and shut himself in there with his phone for half an hour. We were just beginning to reconcile from this breach of trust when I found more cigarettes hidden in our closet.

How can I ever trust this man again? I'm not perfect and I have made my own mistakes, but I repented and never looked back.  He makes a fake apology and acts ashamed and sheepish, then the next time my back is turned he hops right back into deception. I can't bear to be intimate with him anymore because it reminds me of the images I found on his phone, and because it's extremely hard to be that close to someone who is not trustworthy.

What can I do? I feel like our marriage is dying. We have two children and I try to hold it together for them. If it weren't for my belief in Christ, I would have already left my husband. I really want things to work, but if he won't be honest with me then I don't know how we can have a healthy relationship. I've forgiven him for these things over the years and he has acted appreciative, but without repentance how can we reconcile?

Thanks in advance.

I know quite a few smokers who trying the e cigs or vapors they seem to be doing good with it. As for the porn disconnect internet service take a hammer smash all the phones.


I don't know your husband personaly seems like a power struggle. You come across like your not as a bad sinner like him. Remember all have fallen short.


I'm no supporter of divorce at all. Imho adultry (as in the very act) not pictures or staring at women in public, non believer departing from believer and physical abuse would seem like what most churches would support. as legitimate grounds. Other than this most marriages if not all should at least strive for the best.

Good.luck.

Quote from: planetshaker on Sun Jul 03, 2016 - 00:46:58
I know quite a few smokers who trying the e cigs or vapors they seem to be doing good with it. As for the porn disconnect internet service take a hammer smash all the phones.


I don't know your husband personaly seems like a power struggle. You come across like your not as a bad sinner like him. Remember all have fallen short.


I'm no supporter of divorce at all. Imho adultry (as in the very act) not pictures or staring at women in public, non believer departing from believer and physical abuse would seem like what most churches would support. as legitimate grounds. Other than this most marriages if not all should at least strive for the best.

Good.luck.

what about sexual abuse? Emotional abuse?

I believe that porn use is adultery of the mind and heart, its also different from seeing a women in the street which you cant help. Porn is a conscious decision, and usually involves masturbaton as well. I remember reading about one women whose husband used porn saying that for her, it was worse than a physical affair, because then she only had to compete with one woman and not many hundreds.

Quote from: BelieverWifeMom on Fri Jul 01, 2016 - 10:11:01

QuoteWhat can I do?

Greetings~planetshaker said a few good things:

QuoteI know quite a few smokers who trying the e cigs or vapors they seem to be doing good with it. .......You come across like your not as a bad sinner like him. Remember all have fallen short.

So did Chosenone:

QuoteI believe that porn use is adultery of the mind and heart, its also different from seeing a women in the street which you cant help. Porn is a conscious decision, and usually involves masturbaton as well. I remember reading about one women whose husband used porn saying that for her, it was worse than a physical affair, because then she only had to compete with one woman and not many hundreds.

This is a terrible sin against any woman, and is totally unacceptable, and has the power to destroy a marriage. He needs to flee such lust, if he truly loves you, which he may, even while battling such lust. I would not allow his smoking to be a a problem for you, if he does it privately and not in cars and the house. I would be very firm with him on porn and not delay. You do not have the right to divorce him over it, but warn him that it does greatly harm and may eventually destroy his sex life with you, if not stop immediately. Most men would never allow themselves to be given over to such things if they are well taken care of by their wives, which I trust that this is not the case. If it is not, then get very firm with him to stop porn NOW. 

Access to the internet is the problem. He has to cut ties with modern technology. We can say its porn but now days we made it way to easy to access thing. Just a click away bam your there. Buy him a flip top phone disconnect all computerz and tablets. Just wishing it away will not help. We lived without it as a society until the late 90's came along its a reasonable
Option. It may sound extreme but just hoping he wont click on buttons and being a click away is worse of the 2.
Porn is an epidemic that is stagering. I read the other day in statistics 60-75% of
Pastors viewed porn at least a 1-5 timez.in a past month. Porn is the most search thing, 1 in 4 searches are porn related.