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Hi chaps!

To give you an idea of where I'm "at" I need to tell you a bit about myself before plunging into the "problem" (yes of course, its that old business of S-E-X).  I am possibly nearing the end of life's road since am now 81, married since 34, we have a daughter now in her mid-40s (she has had 2 failed marriages). I have been a Christian ("touched" by the Lord - some call it the "Baptism in the Holy Spirit") since I was 40.  WW2 started when I was 3 and finished when about 9 - I only say that to indicate my dad was "called up" for the Army (in a quartermaster role I think), he was away for most of my formative years - so maybe I missed out on "male-bonding", close caring hugs that might have changed my later attitudes.  My dad was a bricklayer - sadly with a violent temper (he once "beat up" a fellow-worker so I was told. and and really hoped for a son that was big and good at "standing up for himself".  What he actually "got" in me, was an extremely short-sighted (not discovered till I was 7, with about 6 cm focal length and needing -16 magnitude specs now), gentle, bookish son - quite different from himself.  in moving up the "job ladder" he applied and got a job as a site construction manager for the building of the Kowloon Naval Hospital in Hongkong.  That entailed him doing 2 tours of foreign duty - leaving me and my mum (she was unable to get through the medical requirements) and my sister (12 years younger than myself).  You can guess what happened to my parents marriage - when my dad returned, he just wanted to be "shot of us" because "the grass was greener the other side of the fence" -there was a painful long drawn out split.  Had many arguments with my dad (turned out of the house on one occasion), but the most terrible event was when my parents had a separation within the house, - on one terrible occasion while I was supposedly "mugging-up" for my final college exam - dad forced my mum upstairs to the bedroom, slammed the door and "forced himself on her" - she was screaming for help!  What was I doing? - sitting at the bottom of the stairs crying my eyes out not knowing what to do for the best - I felt like knifing my dad! (in my now heavily annotated Bible I have written "I HAVE A FATHER WHO LOVES ME!) Eventually, after long drawn out months of misery, my dad left to go off to other "pastures" leaving us to struggle financially managing on mum's pay as a part-time school canteen assistant and my pay as an apprentice.  We stayed in our rented home (which I didn't leave till 29 to go "up north" to gain promotion)  before doing that I tried to acquire some "social graces" thinking that would help me find a good girl-friend - Ok  so I passed my bronze, silver then gold certificates for Ballroom Dancing - did it help me? - not one little bit (I think I got a bit proud of my skill and "looked down my nose a bit" at some possible partners when we met up at our dance club.)

I met my wife-to-be when I was about 33, she was a student nurse in a Portsmouth hospital, and we planned to get married when she finished her course - which we did in 1970, with our daughter being born a year later.  It was a difficult birth - a suction cap delivery - and I was horrified to see our daughter's deformed head pulled out of shape by the suction cap - mercifully within a week or so her head had returned to a normal shape.  My wife has a small build and should have been delivered via a Ceasarian op - because in later years she suffered an upsetting prolapsed bowel due to straining too much when giving birth. She has had an operation to cut out a portion of her colon, to reduce the amount of prolapse that has to be "pushed back inside" at every motion.  To make matters worse, she has had an unsuccessful op to deal with her bleeding haemorrhoids in the colon.  There is the possibility of undergoing a more complex operation for her prolapse - but the success rate is not good!  As you can imagine, she is not for various reasons, interested in normal marital intimacy - especially as I have my own problems in the "gents department"!!!

Round about the age of 50, I started getting the common chaps problem of poor urine flow when doing a "pee".  The docs tried a simple op to enlarge a diaphragm up in the urethra. That wasn't successful,  so they tried "carving" a sort of "ditch" in the urethra to enlarge the flow x-section that didn't solve the problem either (except to produce a twisting spiral flow!).  So as a last resort, they said it would have to be prostate surgery (to avoid possible urine reflux back up the ureters, damaging my kidneys) - they would try a "re-section" (TURPS op).  Chaps were usually in and out of hospital within about 5 days at that time in the NHS - but sadly due to heavy bleeding (the surgeon said I had given them all a fright in trying to keep my blood pressure up, due to big veins in that part of my anatomy (happily was on our churches "at concern" prayer list). After 9 days the bleeding eased and they removed the catheter - I managed to "pass water" and awaited my wife to come and fetch me  laterthat day to go home.  Unfortunately my "piping" scandalized by being stretched by the catheter - just slammed shut - and I was told "You can't go home till you've passed more water.  So there was muggins pacing up the hospital bathroom praying (even tried turning on a tap to help give a psychological hint of running water, to help do the usual!) but getting really desperate although my bladder felt full.  My wife suggested trying a warm "hot water bottle" pressed against my lower abdomen, and the nurse got one for me.  Bless her - for that idea worked and I could go home.  After recuperation I found marital intimacy very painful - and to my horror discovered that I had lost an essential part of my manhood due to that dreaded problem Erectile Disfunction.  Since i was on medication for angina at the time and unable to risk taking anything like Viagra because of likely damage to the retinas in my very short-sighted eyes resulting from increased blood pressure.  My wife and I came to the sad conclusion that we would just have to live as brother and sister in future.  Initially separate beds, then my wife grumbled about my snoring (have apnoea so I stop breathing for a few seconds when sleeping - then start snorting and breathing again - a noisy business).  I am now relegated to my own bedroom so as not to disturb my wife's sleep!  In any case, I don't think she is particularly keen to be close to me now - an old unattractive bloke, afflicted with osteo-arthritis in most joints and spine, a wobbly gait needing a stick when walking etc etc.

So where does the "besetting sin" come in!  I'll tell you in the next reply post. I may be getting to the limit of a post's size here, so will need continue later (OH NO!!!!  )

Well here I am again continuing the saga.   The sin is one of "day-dreaming" and using "fabricated plot-lines" for "night"-dreaming whenever I can't get to sleep normally.  The "dreams" figure my "alter ego" a tough construction site foreman, who is also a swimming champ in freestyle and butterfly( events (Yeah that's my only exercise now, swimming 3 times a week for an hour at each session) The "alter ego"  of my dreams is called Dave Pollard and is badly scarred due to a street affray in his youth  (psychologists may note that disability or disfigurement, is a "mirror" of muggins problem of severe short-sightedness!) . The problem for the "alter ego" is that his disfigurement means he is unattractive to ladies and gets frequently rejected, so sadly, he looks to the "g0y" community for possible friendship (uh-huh this is where the sex come in!).  All he wants is intimate skin-to-skin intimacy so he hopes - he is looking for close caring man-hugs - "frotting"? - none of that vile oral/anal sex business.  You will not be surprised to know that these so called "fabricated night dreams" end in a masturbation style climax, and then tired by my effort I can usually drop off to natural sleep!).  As a result of age and the E.D. business, the masturbation does not end in the "usual"  - it's all a "dry" action, now nothing comes out - yet it relieves the sexual tension and life can go on "normally".  I confess my "self-pleasing" sin to the Lord and come crawling back to Him asking to be forgiven  - yet again!  His response to me is gentle and gracious - as I have said in other posts on this site, His response to me has has always been  "Up! - Let us go forwards!".  He has already paid the price to purchase me from sins past, present and others that may be committed in future.  He wants our focus, our aim to become of one heart and mind with Him.  He is our "sin -offering" and Great High Priest.  Because the High priest is good and righteous, the Father is kind and merciful to those the high priest represents! In my Bible I have an annotation "NO WICKED IMAGININGS!"

I came across a very intriguing book some time ago, "Kingdom of Love" by the retired missionary Hannah Hurnard in which she keeps on hinting at her own "besetting sin", and as one reads on further she discloses what it was - to my horrified amazement it described exactly my problem (minus the sex bit I hasten to add!) - she goes on to describe how the Lord told her how to overcome it - and that entailed "fasting" from all that could "excite" or "feed" her wrongful thoughts.  She had an "alter ego" in which she imagined herself as gracious and a very pleasant character (changing the "plot" of her daydreams according to whatever interesting magazine, newspaper or film scenario she encountered in every day life).  In actuality, she confessed that she came across in real life, as a bit arrogant, proud and easily irritated!  She even went so far as to say that she had in effect "burnt incense" to her "alter ego", what I would call a bit of "idol worship" placing SELF on a high pedestal. ("THOU SHALT HAVE NO OTHER GOD BEFORE ME!") We are just "hard-wired" to seek pleasurable activities -  but so often they are destructive in the long-term - none of us wishes to delight in doing evil - we just "slide" into it!


I have also seen the article on "Are you repenting the wrong way" recommended on this forum, - and at a quick glance it seems to point to a good way to overcome problems!

Unfortunately some "sin" is "comfortable", it becomes a part of our lives (e.g. something relatively insignificant like un-disciplined eating perhaps?  Says this "choco-holic"!  ) - we think we are sometimes entitled to a little - what shall I call it?  "ME time", or "allowed off the leash for a bit like a dog to romp around - doing what it pleases"!? .  Immediately you can see that it is about pleasing SELF, forgetting that Christ has purchased us and we belong to HIM. We know the verse  (written on my heart - but sometimes ignored in the passion of the "event") : -

"Do you not know, that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, and the Spirit is God's gift to you.  You do not belong to yourselves, you were bought at a p price - therefore honour God in your body!"

How frequently do I "fall", and what starts the  wretched business?  It all depends on how busy/tired I am, you know the saying "The devil makes work for idle hands" I would amend that to say it's not just idle hands but an idle mind as well!  So Paul's advice to pray constantly, and sing to the Lord, is so sensible - and I do sometimes!!!.  I think the "eye-gate" can be an open portal to seeing things that arouse wrong thoughts - leading to full-blown sin.  So in that respect I try to keep a tight rein on what I see in newspapers for instance, flicking over the page when there is some report about a salacious incident.  Have I seen any pornography - yes I looked out of curiosity but the images I saw burnt into my brain - and I really don't want to see any more of that vile stuff.  Am I "aroused by seeing other chaps at the gym/pool in various states of undress? - definitely not! (except possibly to think that some chap is either well endowed or has been working-out like crazy).  Am I "switched on" by pictures of unclothed ladies? - not really!  Basically I think there is in me, a deep unsatisfied need (that I can suppress!) to hug and be hugged by another human being - preferably of my own gender (I think I know how we fellow bods "tick"!)  I just don't know why, but maybe it's the absence of a "father-figure" in my earlier life!

Again unfortunately - things don't seem to get easier as one gets older and the libido gets less.  (Although I notice there may be some reduction in testosterone level because of some loss of "secondary hair" e.g. pubic, chest and underarm.  You probably know that saying "There may be snow on the roof, but there is still fire in the hearth!" - still have a little white hair left on my "roof", although its getting a bit patchy at the crown of the head.

Am reading "Satans Dirty Little Secret" by Steve Foss, at present and that has a chapter on "True and False Repentence"  - I particularly liked one of his high-lighted headings : -

"The Essence  of Sin : The Rejection of God's Rightful Authority Over One's life"

   and that brings me back to the verse I first quoted in this post!

God be with you all, and give you strength to follow Him always!

P.S.  Very hot and humid last night, so sleep was difficult - just plopped on the bed with nothing over me - baking hot. I had a choice, follow the old bad routine and fall asleep through tiredness - or take other better action.  I tried reciting quietly all the memorised portions I could remember from the Bible, repeated the words from well-known hymns, prayed a bit for help - and somehow I drifted off to sleep naturally.  The only trouble was, I awoke feeling tired, probably my sleep had been disturbed by the noise of the oscillating fan all night - well at least I didn't take another "fall"! 

Just when I thought I wasn't doing too badly!
...Then "Wham!" - another fall

"Who will save me from this body of death? Thanks be to the Lord Jesus Christ!"

"Open my lips O Lord that my mouth may proclaim thy praise...
If I brought Thee an offering,
Thou would'st not accept it.
My sacrifice, is a broken spirit;
A wounded heart,O God Thou wilt not despise!"

Quote from: Dave_UK on Sat Jun 17, 2017 - 01:48:47Basically I think there is in me, a deep unsatisfied need (that I can suppress!) to hug and be hugged by another human being - preferably of my own gender (I think I know how we fellow bods "tick"!)  I just don't know why, but maybe it's the absence of a "father-figure" in my earlier life!

Well to one man to another, that's Unnatural and against nature! I find it repulsive, to be honest. I too was raised without a father since he died when I was very young~still have no desire to be hug by another male, do not even like touching them other than a friendly handshake, no more than that though.

Quote from: Dave_UK Am I "switched on" by pictures of unclothed ladies? - not really!

Now, I cannot relate to that either. God created nothing (well not much) in this world more beautiful than a unclothed beautiful female body.  Maybe I'm a little strange to some, but I do not think so..King David, I'm sure could easily relate to me. Once he saw Bathsheba bathing, he lost the power to not touch her.

As one attempting to overcome his own "besetting sin" I felt rather hurt at your apparent lack of compassion and somewhat judgemental attitude.  Glad that you don't seem to have  my sort of problems. Am sorry to have offended anyone by my posts.  I was thinking that maybe I should stop posting on this forum - but as yours was the only adverse reaction posted - had "second thoughts" about that.

I can appreciate your attitude - but I wonder how you would greet a friend or a relative you hadn't seen for a long time.  Would it be a "cold fish" style of greeting, as in "Hi bro!" and stick out a hand to be shaken - or would you give them a "bear hug"!  Think you may have missed out on genuine feelings of affection and comradeship - suggest you re-read 1 Samuel 20:41-42, also 2 Samuel 1:26.  David and Jonathon were not ashamed to weep on each others shoulders - not exactly a "handshake" there! (not forgetting the "kissing" bit, which although a popular method of greeting others in France etc (on both cheeks, forsooth!) - would be "beyond the pale" here (likely to produce a "Bunch of Fives" violent reaction  )!

You are doubtless aware of the many instances of bravery and courage that some have exhibited in the name of comradeship in traumatic incidents.  Also of the comforting of those who have found themselves in desperate need and without a friend to help.  Limiting one's contact to a "handshake" would not be the answer in such cases!

Quote from: RB on Sun Jun 25, 2017 - 05:33:28

Quote from: Dave_UK on Sat Jun 17, 2017 - 01:48:47Basically I think there is in me, a deep unsatisfied need (that I can suppress!) to hug and be hugged by another human being - preferably of my own gender (I think I know how we fellow bods "tick"!)  I just don't know why, but maybe it's the absence of a "father-figure" in my earlier life!

Well to one man to another, that's Unnatural and against nature! I find it repulsive, to be honest. I too was raised without a father since he died when I was very young~still have no desire to be hug by another male, do not even like touching them other than a friendly handshake, no more than that though.

Quote from: Dave_UK Am I "switched on" by pictures of unclothed ladies? - not really!

Now, I cannot relate to that either. God created nothing (well not much) in this world more beautiful than a unclothed beautiful female body.  Maybe I'm a little strange to some, but I do not think so..King David, I'm sure could easily relate to me. Once he saw Bathsheba bathing, he lost the power to not touch her.

On your second point! King David seems according to the story, to have been in a self-pleasing indolent state of mind at the time - i.e. not "on duty" (a bit of AWOL) and not exercising the censor/sentinel of the "eye-gate" - a failing of so many of us at times!  in any case it all depends on one's "point of view" and to a large extent on one's age  - after one's prime, the human body gradually becomes more decrepit and not exactly alluring.  I can remember a slight feeling of dislike at noticing the scrawny appearance of an elderly neighbour's hand and arm (almost skeletal) - when I was in my 40s - now in my 80s my own flesh is wrinkly and baggy as underlying tissue and muscle "tone" has been "lost" - definitely not alluring to anyone! What a mercy it is, that the Lord is more concerned with our "heart attitude" than to any outward appearance! "Man looks upon the outward appearance - but the Lord looks upon the heart!"

P.S.  "Dieters" trying to get "trim", from a former "well-padded" state, need to be aware that the skin loses much of it's "elasticity" as one gets older. When the target weight has been reached - with loss of underlying tissue etc - the end result is an unsightly empty fold of wrinkly flesh - Oh Horror!

OK! - So I got my deserved "come uppance"! "Serves you right!", some may say.

It was after my last "fall", deliberately doing a J.O. to relieve pyschological "pressure".  (In awkward circumstances -  E.D. that cannot be helped - "shoo-ed off" to another bedroom 'cos I snore too badly (apnoea style) - and no marital intimacy for some 25 years - wife and I just living as brother and sister in close friendship). I started to get discomfort in the testicles and under the skin between them and the thigh on my left side only - I suspect it's something to do with my internal "piping"!  It's not terrible, but seems to come/go at times - can't feel any suspicious lumps in the testicles, also the seminal vesicle glands seem to have shut-down (age-related now 81. and post prostate op trauma when 55) - the only thing that was "normal" in that process, was the feeling of a jerk or jolt at climax. (i.e. no "output").  Think a trip to the doc may be necessary! 

I didn't go to the doc and since posting here last, and I haven't continued to put "pleasing-self" before the Lord !  There is still occasional discomfort in the location I mentioned, but it does not concern me now - my number of future years may be short (81 at present) which is said to exceed the current life expectancy for men here  - 78 and 82 for women.  In any case, a report of a Danish study into patients who had heart surgery some years ago (I've had 5 CABGs done in 2010 at age 74) indicated that the risk of death jumped to 80% some 8 or 10 years after such surgery - probably due to the continuation of the original clogging of arteries despite medication, and the possibility of the condition of the grafts deteriorating.  Heigh-ho - I'll trust in the Lord, I think in response to prayer He has replied to my wife and self that He will grant us both long life - so we shall see!!!

I am currently re-reading (for the umpteenth time)  Watchman Nee's excellent exposition of Paul's epistle to the Romans "The Normal Christian Life"- dealing mainly with justification and sanctificartion.

It seems to me, we will always have a life-long struggle between the "flesh" and "The Spirit".  That means we should be very wary of leaving our minds idle - remembering the old saying "The Devil makes work for idle hands!" - not just hands, but idle minds as well!  To quote a few important sentences from the book - hoping I don't get hit by copyright infringement : -

"...The expressions 'freed from sin' and 'dead unto sin' in Romans 6, 7  and 11 imply deliverance from a power that is still very present and very real - not from something that no longer exists...This deliverance is so real that John can boldly write: 'Whosoever is begotten of God doeth no sin ...he cannot sin' (1 John 3:9), which is however, a statement, that wrongly understood may easily mislead us. By it John is not telling us that sin is no longer in our history and that we shall not again commit sin.  He is saying that to sin is not in the nature of that which is born of God.  The life of Christ has been planted in us by new birth and it's nature is not to commit sin...What is 'in Christ' cannot sin; what is 'in Adam' can sin and will do so whenever Satan is given a chance to exert his power."