Christian Forums

Yesterday the preacher preached a message on being content in our lives and I thought about my life as a single Christian woman.I came to the realization while reading the lesson that I am not content in being single. I desire the lovey dovey affection,hand holding,going out on dates,just being with that right person.Does anybody else feels this way? It is very hard for me to wait, wait, wait, wait for that special person to come along.

Starla, if you don't mind me asking, how old are you?  I clicked on your profile but for age it said N/A.  (I'm not trying to hook up with you, I was just wondering.)  I find that the older I get the more and more content I am with being single, so I was wondering how old you are.  I am 39. 

I am 28

Starla, I just read your post on how to be a successful single. It reminded me of advice I found at a site called singleshelp.org. I haven't spent a bunch of time there, but I have quickly skimmed through a lot of it several times. And I do intend on reading the whole thing and going to the links they mention.

I think the best things to keep in mind are all the positive thinking that has to go on in everyone's lives everyday. To make the most of the situation you are in and to be aware of the situations you shouldn't be in and avoid them.

Sex without being married is my biggy. It has kept me out of quite a few relationship possibilities over the past 14+ years, I've only met 1 man who respected that of me and I turned him down for other reasons. He now lives in New Mexico and I wouldn't have wanted to move there.

Today, I spent over an hour and a half on the phone with a man I met almost a year ago as we were on a mission trip. He seems like he is really nice, he goes to church, he values his friendships, he has a successful business, and he loves to laugh and have fun. He takes time from his busy work schedule to do relaxing things for himself so he can have the energy to continue to do for others. (And he loves to talk.) There's one thing, though, he wants to have sex even though he is not married. When I tell him that isn't right, he tells me he is not perfect, he is just a man. He acts like it just isn't right of me to have stayed away from this for over 14 years. I find myself doubting if I'm really going about things the right way. Like maybe I have my sights set too high. Maybe I have unattainable goals. I know God doesn't want me to have sex with anyone but my husband. I only know of 2 of my friends who didn't have sex before they got married. BUT, for one, it was her 3rd marriage, his 1st and she was his first sex partner. They've been married for over 15 years. My other friend's husband died suddenly and a little over a year later she met a man. They dated for about a year and a half and have been married for almost a year now. But they are in their mid to late 50's. All my other friends had sex before they got married and are doing just fine. I just wonder if I'm really holding out for something or if my "reward" is going to actually be "nothing".

I go to a couple nursing homes each month, and at one, ran into a man a few times (at different times and days even). He and I stood outside and talked for a long time a few times. (I could like him, I thought to myself.) Then, when the talk got to personal stuff, he would expect sex and not be married. I told him I just can't and won't go there. I've run into him twice since then. One time I passed him in the hallway, at the last second, I looked at him, he was smiling and right as I passed him he said "if you ever change your mind" and kept on walking. I find myself feeling real uncomfortable when I see his car in the parking lot when I first pull up, almost to just not stop, but that wouldn't be the right thing to do.

I had one (crazy) woman tell me one time how lucky I've been to have had 2 men love me and marry me. (Both were WRONG CHOICES!!) I had a friend ask me a few months ago would I rather have loved and lost or to have never loved at all. She said she was shocked that I said I'd have rather never loved at all. I just want one more time. That's all, just one more!!!

I am being a little funny here. I don't dwell on the fact that I am single and probably will be forever. But when I do find myself in a situation because of being single and abstaining, I sure do think about it. (the situation, not sex!!)

I honestly don't mind being single, I just wish I wasn't.

Yeah, if I get buried instead of cremated, I want that on my gravestone!!

Hold your standards high msbradley!  God will be pleased, even if men are not!

Funny that I have to be told to hold them "high". Maybe it's a good thing that I'm short, then those standards can be out of my reach, so I can't "lower" them.
I've been doing a lot of praying about this today. I feel better. Sometimes things just get stirred up and I just need to sit with them awhile to remember why I am on this journey that I have chosen. I promise, I'm not going to get off track!!
Too much has been given to me, shown to me, promised to me, (even though I am among the undeserving) and even expected of me, from my wonderful God Almighty, for me to ever turn away from Him!!

It's very very very hard to find a guy who is out there in the world that believes in sexual abstinence before marriage.I had a hard time with that when guys wanted to date me when I was in high school and also in my early to mid 20,s and  still today being 28 I cannot date a guy who's out in the world without them wanting something in return if you know what I mean. Where are all of the good Christian single guys

Starla, be aware, I ramble!!
I have only been a Christian for a bit over 14 years.
I lived a very selfish, self-centered life up until my mid 30's. I treated men like they were a dime a dozen. (I really don't know what a dime a dozen pertains to, but I always had males interested in me.) At 12 I was FULLY developed. I always had attention from males but most of it was unwanted.
I used to believe that I was under protection from someone having me in their prayers for most of my unsaved life. I was taught by my Air Force dad to have integrity and character, thank goodness. I sure got myself into a lot of situations where things could have turned out really regrettable and I was not under anyone's protection or rule except my own. I was lost, but things never got as bad as they could have. I thank God that there was something to me that had me saying "no" to almost all of the males who approached me. I had more than my fair share of suitors a long time ago. Back then, if they wanted me to do stuff, I told them "no" and went on without giving them another thought. Afterall, there were always more men to go through.  After I became a Christian, I turned away from any and all relationships.  I wanted to take time to find out who I was supposed to be and be that person. (Oh yeah, I'm still working on that part!!)Then, something happened that I have a very hard time dealing with. I started losing my hair and gained weight. Now, the weight thing I should have control over, but I just won't do it. But the hair thing... I find myself honestly wondering if it's my punishment . Cause there ain't no more men knockin' at my door or ringin' my phone. Before, I'd have men approach me everywhere!! At the grocery store, the dry cleaners, at my son's sports activities, a Big Brother volunteer, the cable guy, standing in line at the credit union. the phone man, co-workers, the mechanic who fixed my car, a coach on my son's baseball team, oh yeah, my insurance man (I married him). I had guys approach me at the gas station, the state fair, at the emergency room when I took one of my kids there, a FedEx driver, one of my friend's brothers, a neighbor , a Boy Scout leader. One of my friends was having a pool installed and the guy gave her an upgraded diving board because he wanted her to introduce me to him. One time I had the attention of 3 guys at the same time, 1 in the band, a bouncer and a customer (I was at a club, though). The guy in the band started directing all his songs to me, I had no intentions, but I sure ate up the attention. My sister, was with me and even brought that night up just a few months ago.  I have no idea how many, but I've probably dated more than 50 guys. (From my teens to my mid 30's.) I was so lost and  broken, that no one really had a chance with me. As soon as I found something I didn't like about them, they were history. Nowadays, when a man let's me know he might be interested, I know it's not because of my looks. I have been told many times that I am different, that my personality caught their attention, that there's just something about me...but now, I find they are not up to what I want. I don't have a list of what they have to look like or how much money, their age, but things like their relationship with Christ, where their heart is, what they believe, if they are divorced, why. I know I have a great deal to offer someone, I would honor and cherish the chance, with the right person, if he only existed. I will, more than likely, still be sitting here alone in 20 years, my regrets, but, oh well.
I have and will continue to say no except to my husband. And for that I am truly grateful.
But Starla, like Spurly says, "hold your standards high. God will be pleased, even if men are not." And we have a better chance pleasing the right earthly man when we keep our focus on pleasing our heavenly man!!

Quote from: starla on Sun Oct 15, 2006 - 22:53:10
It's very very very hard to find a guy who is out there in the world that believes in sexual abstinence before marriage.I had a hard time with that when guys wanted to date me when I was in high school and also in my early to mid 20,s and  still today being 28 I cannot date a guy who's out in the world without them wanting something in return if you know what I mean. Where are all of the good Christian single guys

Well, they're out there.  They just manage (intentionally or unintentionally) to stay under the radar.  A lot of Christian guys tend to be reserved and not very aggressive (those remaining unmarried after a certain age, that is).  Some of them come from families and a church background where they were raised to be a "good boy" where being aggressive and a "go-getter" is seen more as a vice than a virtue.  Some people might rebel against that and go through a "wild" phase.  Others internalize it and tend to be uptight and even prudish, being afraid to even look at a girl wrong (I can relate to this more).

DCR, you are so right!!!. I know there are good guys out there. There always have been. They are the ones that get overlooked by the girls who just need attention. I turned down many a nice guy. And I'm sure it's because I was super, super shy and hated me because of it. So, when I got attention for being quiet and shy, by some bold guy who wasn't afraid of anything, since he was the total opposite of me, I was attracted to him. I know I sound like I was a floosy(?), but I honestly wasn't. I was and still am shy, I just try not to be. I tell people I misssed out on so much when I was young because of being so shy. When I try to tell people now that I'm shy, they just laugh at me, unless they really know me. Everytime one of my real friends are around when I'm trying to tell someone that I am shy, my friends, who really know really me, will vouch for me that I am shy.
But, yes, there are good guys out there. I, too was reserved, not aggressive in anyway, not competiitve. If I liked some guy and another girl liked him, too, I just walked away. I wasn't the type to go after or fight for what I wanted. That's why, I was very attracted to the guys who would dare to approach me. Approaching someone is something I would have NEVER had the guts to do!!
I'll take the reserved, non-aggressive, internalized Christian good boy any day!!   
   

Quote from: DCR on Mon Oct 16, 2006 - 05:52:54

Quote from: starla on Sun Oct 15, 2006 - 22:53:10
It's very very very hard to find a guy who is out there in the world that believes in sexual abstinence before marriage.I had a hard time with that when guys wanted to date me when I was in high school and also in my early to mid 20,s and  still today being 28 I cannot date a guy who's out in the world without them wanting something in return if you know what I mean. Where are all of the good Christian single guys

Well, they're out there.  They just manage (intentionally or unintentionally) to stay under the radar.  A lot of Christian guys tend to be reserved and not very aggressive (those remaining unmarried after a certain age, that is).  Some of them come from families and a church background where they were raised to be a "good boy" where being aggressive and a "go-getter" is seen more as a vice than a virtue.  Some people might rebel against that and go through a "wild" phase.  Others internalize it and tend to be uptight and even prudish, being afraid to even look at a girl wrong (I can relate to this more).

Isn't it true that if a Christian guy,  really like a girl and really wanted to be with her,he will do anything to win her heart ? Isn't sometimes being aggressive can be a good thing if you really want to know the girl and be with her.I like the type of Christian guy who is not shy who knows who he wants to be with and is not afraid to show it.

Starla, even though I share too much, I love being able to talk about things that come from the heart. Personal things.
I love Jesus, am thankful for all the forgiveness He has given me and how His love has forever changed me. How, because of Him, I have a purpose and a wonderful future. I love reading my Bible and listening to sermons. Hearing someone teach the history of the Bible times is awesome. But there seems to be so much bickering that goes on in so many (most??) of the other threads here, I feel like I'm in the middle of nonsensical arguments.
I am totally aware that I am not a debater or an arguer, so I just stay off the "reply" button when I go in to the "griping, bickering, cutting down" threads. There is one guy who posts that I honestly believe that no matter what he said here, at least a few would pick his words apart and find fault with everything he said. I forget to look at the poster's name, I just read down the posts of what was written. But, pretty soon, I find myself going, "oh, that other post must have been from so and so", so I'll go back and find it and sure enough, it's from the one no one wants to hear, or no one wants to let his words stand as his. They argue over or's and and's. give's and accept's. I end up feeling so emotionally drained, like I just found some UNGOD spirited people. Sometimes, I even realize their nastiness back and forth has made me feel tense and uptight.
I had referred a couple of people to this GCM site, well, actually 3 people. One man came back and told me there were too many turf wars that go on here. That they didn't see much of "sharing" God's word, but did notice a lot of hostility.
I find myself fearful when I post something, because I feel someone will come back and cut me down. I was raised by "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all." Here, I see great strength in those words. Even when my son has said something bad against my savior or me, I haven't come back at him with the disdain I have felt here.
I posted something addressing someone I know who posts here. I personally know how that person handles a certain situation , so I addressed that person, in a way that he is used to from me. I had to call that person 1st thing in the morning to warn them that 2 people had responded with troubled happy faces. I personally feel if you have something positive to add, something that will be encouraging, something to enlighten someone with, something to (gently) get the other person to see a different view, go for it!! God will be so lifted up. But, if what wants to come from you through the keyboard is spiteful, biting, hard...I think they need to walk away from the keyboard, ask the Lord for guidance and see if He really wants you typing those words to someone.
I have someone I am to meet in about 20 minutes, so I need to go.
My post was to be about heartfelt thanks for you and your thread that has no one griping at you. I have added you to my prayer list. Single people who are honest with their feelings (as you are) are such a help when things start weighing us down. I can't stand to try to talk to someone about being single when I know they're not being honest with their words or feelings.
To your reply about a guy doing anything to win a girl's heart if he wants her...
I think it would be nice if they did, but I believe there are people out there that are just too, too _____________, to take a chance.  Maybe they tried once, and it didn't work out, so they don't want to go through that again. Maybe they "this and that".  I just happen to believe not everyone is willing to go after what they want. I have gotten griped at before by friends and family that I didn't flirt back with so and so, when they were flirting with me. I'm just not that way. One man recently told me he showed me for months he was interested. I saw he was nice to me and talked to me, but I didn't see that as him taking an interest in me. Even strangers on the elevator treat me nice. How sick would I be if I thought everyone who was nice to me and talked to me was interested in me??? I believe if you are interested in someone, you TELL them. If someone is interested in you, they should TELL you. If you TELL someone you are interested in them and they aren't interested in you, they should TELL you they aren't interested!!!
Now, I have 7 minutes to meet someone 15 minutes away. uh oh!!