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Hello,

I have been married to my wife for 4 years. Have known her for 12. She was (non covenantally) married previously for about 15 years to another man, with whom she had an extremely dysfunctional relationship with. In that relationship she had numerous affairs as did he. I was one of those affairs and we had a child as a result of that affair. I was not the only candidate for fatherhood for said child. Her ex husband was another candidate as well as 2 other men ( i know sounds pretty Mary Magdalene style.)
We were married through the Church (covenental) and I am having and have always had really tough struggles with all these affairs in her past. I know its water under the bridge, and that none of these affairs were against ME, but i feel that I am very possesive and the thought of these things really seperates me from her emotionally and physically, I feel like I am playing with a toy that everyone else has already played with. I cant even go to dinner with her somewhere because i feel as if she is looking elsewhere and being promiscous(sp). I try and keep these rearview thoughts into captivity for the most part, but there are times that they do escape and I resort to emotional abuse towards her. I realize that I am not God and that I cant judge her, but as head of household how do I deal with this??

Thanks

It's cetainly understandable for this to still bother you. I wouldn't call it selfish. I don't care what anyone says, trust has to be rebuilt and earned. Forgiving is one thing, but the pain is part of the consequence that forgiving cannot magically erase.

So understand and accept that as reality. Don't guilt yourself for hurting or feeling depressed about what she did. But do make positive strides toward getting over this. Pay attention to your sex life and your marriage in general.

I wrote an article about this that might be helpful to you. It's called, "Dealing With Your Spouse's Sexual Past."

Tyson,

What a difficult situation; my heart goes out to you and your family.  A couple of things come to mind though.  They are not postitive things though, but they are constructive things that you need to answer for yourself.  You don't even have to answer me, nor do I necessarily want to know.  And I'm certainly not accusing you, but thinking through likely struggles that someone in your situation might be going through.  So if the shoe doesn't fit, don't wear it.

The first thing that came to my mind is projection.  Trustworthy people naturally trust others.  They're not gullible, but they do have an inate trust in God and trust in others.  The opposite is also true though.  People who are not trustworthy project that on others and do not trust others, even though they've done nothing to warrant mistrust.  So it's possible that part of your mistrust in your wife comes from yourself not being trustworthy.  I trust that you've repented of your adulterous affair with another man's wife and being involved in the break-up of that family, but have you become a trustworthy man?  Are you still lusting after other women?  Do you flirt with other women?  etc.  If you are struggling in these areas, then it's likely that you're projecting much distrust onto your wife, though she could have really settled down. 

It's also possible that she mistrusts you.   Your relationship was initiated and founded in adultery, not faithfulness, and thus it's going to take a lot of work to overcome your personal and couple weaknesses (demons).  There is a good book that I recommend to couples that have gone through or are going through an affair, "Surviving An Affair" by Willard F.Jr. Harley and Jennifer Harley Chalmers.  It is an excellent resource.  I encourage you and your spouse to purchase it, go through it, and apply its principles.  Of course, it will take some adapting to fit your situation; but the discussion about building trust, how to, is very useful.

I encourage you both to begin by asking forgiveness of God, her ex-husband, and eachother, if you haven't done this already.  Next, recognize that it's going to take some time for you two to really build a deep trust for eachother.  You will need to develop ways to be accountable to eachother.  Also, find another couple or two that can help you by being accountable to them also, asking them to ask you the personal hard questions and you responding openly. 

And of course, involve yourselves in a local church that can support you and your marriage.  It's very difficult to build something on a faulty foundation, and your foundation has some major cracks in it.  But with God, all things are possible.  It's going to take some work and special care on your part, but you can do it with the Lord's help, if you trust and follow Him.

I pray that your marriage becomes a little heaven on earth, a relationship filled with the love, joy, and peace that comes from the Lord.

your brother,
Sherman

Quote from: TysonI cant even go to dinner with her somewhere because i feel as if she is looking elsewhere and being promiscous(sp).

And what if she goes to dinner by herself?  Would she not be looking elsewhere then?

Seriously, if you can't take your wife for a night out, then what kind of a marriage do you have?

Another thing - about the child - how does the child view all of this?

Sherman,  I really like your posts.  You offer sound advice with a loving, non-judgmental attitude.  You are a blessing to this forum.   

Trueblue

As head of household you model your Father.

No one keeps the marriage covenant perfectly. We all fail to put our spouse ahead of ourself. We all fail to avoid letting the eyes and thoughts wander away. We fail to cherish what we have. We fail to honor.

God has always been willing to enter into covenant with man despite knowing we would always end up failing to live up to our end of the bargain, yet he has always been eager to welcome us back into covenant.

Your situation isn't unique. I know a few different people who have married out of affairs and the fun turns bitter quickly because the situation breeds distrust.

You have to make a decision. Will you cling to the known failings that you and she had in destroying a relationship and permit them to poison this relationship or will you deem your new life together as a true fresh start with the past washed away? If you cannot release the past you will likely repeat it.

I doubt your wife is blind to your distrust and while it may lead her to cheat on you physically it will pollute your relationship and stain it.

You must make a decision about whether you are truly in covenant or not.

Quote from: Tyson on Tue Oct 23, 2007 - 12:35:00
Hello,

I have been married to my wife for 4 years. Have known her for 12. She was (non covenantally) married previously for about 15 years to another man, with whom she had an extremely dysfunctional relationship with. In that relationship she had numerous affairs as did he. I was one of those affairs and we had a child as a result of that affair. I was not the only candidate for fatherhood for said child. Her ex husband was another candidate as well as 2 other men ( i know sounds pretty Mary Magdalene style.)
We were married through the Church (covenental) and I am having and have always had really tough struggles with all these affairs in her past. I know its water under the bridge, and that none of these affairs were against ME, but i feel that I am very possesive and the thought of these things really seperates me from her emotionally and physically, I feel like I am playing with a toy that everyone else has already played with. I cant even go to dinner with her somewhere because i feel as if she is looking elsewhere and being promiscous(sp). I try and keep these rearview thoughts into captivity for the most part, but there are times that they do escape and I resort to emotional abuse towards her. I realize that I am not God and that I cant judge her, but as head of household how do I deal with this??

Thanks

This is not a "head of the household" problem.  This is the result of you and her participating in violations of trust with many people over a long period of time.  What you are dealing with won't change, which is the past.  What must change is the present. 

There is no magic pill.  You have brought into this marriage a myriad of dysfunctional behaviors and dispositions that have patterns to them.  You are going to have to simply challenge your own mind and attitude constantly.  You, in the privacy of your own mind, are going to have to elevate your wife and combat the feelings for her based on her past.  Yes they are reasonable in the sense their is a cause for them to exist but they have to be combated and your mind will have to be reprogrammed.

Will it be easy.  Sure, easy as everything else in life.  Does that tell ya something?  It should.  No it won't be easy but it will be worth it and when you get a handle on it and enforce respect and view her with virtue over some time it will become more normal and less difficult. 

If anything applies regarding head of household it will be this.  Your feelings and views toward her are YOUR problem.  Do not put upon her shoulders YOUR feelings and inadequacies.  This is your yoke, bear it.  It is your problem to resolve.  Do not go about trying to force her to change into something to help you along the way.  It doesn't work and it is a violation the Divine institution of the individual. 

Sounds tough?  It will be.  Anything worth holding up and withstanding the pressures of life is that way.  Best wishes and prayers on this.

Your wife's previous behavior (affairs/breaking marriage vows) was wrong.  Your trust issues may or may not be warranted because of this, but your mistrustful feelings certainly may be.  However, I agree with Tommy Tsunami, you can't judge her to harshly because you participated in these affairs and violated her marriage with another man.

I do hope you find a positive resolution to this situation.  I will pray for you and your wife.  God Bless.