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I'm new. In fact I have not written in a forum or anything similar since highschool. But I have a marriage issue that I don't feel like I can talk about with my friends.      Sorry if this is long.

I am no longer attracted to my husband. I know that love  is a choice not a feeling, forgiveness is necessary, remembering all the ways that I fail and accept my husband for who he is and love him.  We have been married for 6 years and have 4 children.  When I met my husband i had just gotten away from some very bad relationships - 5 in a period of 9 months  in which sinful lusts were satisfied - at the end of that 9 months I was in deep turmoil, God changed that I gave my life back to him, moved back with my mom to get my life straightened out and back where God would want me to be.  I met my husband about 6 months later we were married a year after we met. 

Now 6 years later, I look at my husband and I can't honestly say that I would marry him again. I am a workaholic to a fault I know that but my hb is extremely lazy, to the point of dirty dishes, clothes and everything else is constantly being picked up from the living room, this laziness always bothered me but lately since our fourth child has been born its been extra bad. I feel like I have so much else to do that surely he could atleast but his clothes in the bathroom or take his dishes to the sink.  I also am very capable in many areas , house repair wise and my hb cant seem to even take the air unit out of the window. I know this seems like a small thing, but I was raised with remodeling houses that its second nature to me.  Its not that i expect him to know how to do things but more be willing to atleast try.  He just says he can't do it. Now I know that a male ego could be hurt by his wife being able to do much more in this area, but I'm not sure that is what is happening.  His mother babied him, did everything for him and his father. I cant do that. I've been trying and it causing resentment to grow.  He has never been very intellectual, it wasn't important to me when we first met, but it is now - we never have anything to talk about, except his work and kids.  He has no desire to pick up a book and read, or learn how to do something new.

those are the minor things that complicate the bigger issues, we dissagree in many scriptural 'preferences' When we first met i was a mess, I didnt' know what I believed or knew my preferences but now I do and they don't agree with my hb. I've tried to agree, or agree to disagree but my husband doesn't like that, he wants me to agree with him on everything. He gives me this look like , "you're not being submissive" I know the looke cuz the words have been said with the look.
Last year my sister lost her baby - it was stillborn - my grief was as if it was my own. He was born on the day my youngest son was due. I have my youngest a month early - 35wks - instead of dec3 - the day my sister's baby died. It killed me to watch her and my brother-in-laws pain. my Hb comforted me the day we were told that the baby had no heartbeat - two days later the baby was born dead. I was alone at the hospital in the waiting room. alone. my hb comforted me once then  never again. Rarely even questioned how i was doing. my hb was the only one who could have any idea what I was going through and instead he was cold , telling me I need to move on. No one ever thought about me hurting, i guess i expected my husband to, but he didn't.  the night of my nephews funeral my husband wakes me up in the middle of the night oblivious the nightmares i had been having, or that i hadn't eaten all week, and seeks to please himself in sexual pleasure. It cut deeper than anything else. My emotions were in no condition for it and they broke. But my hb never knew. he apoligized a few days later, but with that tone of " I feel like i'm supposed to" not that he was aware of the pain if brought.
That brings me to the biggest issue.  I have no sexual desire at all. its been like this for as along as i can remember. our wedding night was very un romantic at a all. it was quick then the tv was turned on. I came into the marriage not a virgin, my hb was a virgin. For a long time I would try to give him hints and things that would please me, or just straight tell him- very nicely in a non-critical way. it didn't help. I felt very used and unloved  only good for that.  His affection outside the bedroom decreased to next to nothing unless it let to the bedroom. after our oldest was born, i began to bleed every time we were together. I used to tell him, i've stopped for it wasn't changing the way he was. I figured it would be better.  Now he has completely forgotten that i hurt for hours after every time or almost everytime.  I am to the point that I don't even want my husband to touch me - at all.  Some of it is that I'm working through the not physically attracted to him.  He has gained alot of weight since we were first married. I have worked hard and long and watched what I ate to look good for him, I feel like he doesn't love me enough to even try. He'll do something for maybe  1- 4 wks but then gain it all back and more.  But i know that I have to change the way I veiw him in that way  but it is hard when I add the rest in.

Any ways that was really long and probably doesnt' even make sense.  I just want any advice that anyone can give me and prayer is always great.   I am very unhappy in my marriage and I don't know how to make it better. There are days that i don't even want to.  This sounds awful but I'm going to say(first no one knows me here and second its how I feel) I too often feel like the man, not in leading the household, but in everything else. I guess its just hard for me to keep loving him when he doesn't seem manly to me. Help please, and prayer

There is such a lot in all of that, and I'm not sure if I know where to start.

Basically it seems that your husband is outwardly decent but inwardly rather a slob.  Have you read Ephesians chapter 5 about marriage?  It seems as if your husband is not really complying with scripture on this one, although he probably wouldn't want to hear you say so.

I think you both need counselling, and you should make that plain to your husband.  You might even want to go as far as to tell him if that you want him either to agree to counselling or else leave the family home indefinitely.  Does this sound drastic?  Consider this passage from 1Cor 7 (10&11):

To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband. But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband.

I interpret that to mean that you can take a break from living with your husband provided that it is your intention to be reconciled with him in due course.

I could write more, but time is pressing.  You are in my thoughts.

 

First, do a lot of praying.

Second, write him a letter.  Be totally honest, but gentle.  At the end tell him you want the two of you to go to counseling.  If you can't afford a professional go to your church--to and elder, not the preacher.

Third, go to the doctor about the vaginal bleeding.

Remember, when you married you promised to stay for both the bad and the good.  Things can work out.  I had many of the bad traits you mentioned in my marriage.  My wife was gentle, but firm about counseling.  Things changed over time and we've now been married 32 years.  Believe things change.  Have hope and trust in the Lord.

 

QuoteI'm new. In fact I have not written in a forum or anything similar since highschool. But I have a marriage issue that I don't feel like I can talk about with my friends.      Sorry if this is long.

I am no longer attracted to my husband. I know that love  is a choice not a feeling, forgiveness is necessary, remembering all the ways that I fail and accept my husband for who he is and love him.  We have been married for 6 years and have 4 children.  When I met my husband i had just gotten away from some very bad relationships - 5 in a period of 9 months  in which sinful lusts were satisfied - at the end of that 9 months I was in deep turmoil, God changed that I gave my life back to him, moved back with my mom to get my life straightened out and back where God would want me to be. I met my husband about 6 months later we were married a year after we met. 

Now 6 years later, I look at my husband and I can't honestly say that I would marry him again. I am a workaholic to a fault I know that but my hb is extremely lazy, to the point of dirty dishes, clothes and everything else is constantly being picked up from the living room, this laziness always bothered me but lately since our fourth child has been born its been extra bad. I feel like I have so much else to do that surely he could atleast but his clothes in the bathroom or take his dishes to the sink. I also am very capable in many areas , house repair wise and my hb cant seem to even take the air unit out of the window. I know this seems like a small thing, but I was raised with remodeling houses that its second nature to me.  Its not that i expect him to know how to do things but more be willing to atleast try.  He just says he can't do it. Now I know that a male ego could be hurt by his wife being able to do much more in this area, but I'm not sure that is what is happening.  His mother babied him, did everything for him and his father. I cant do that. I've been trying and it causing resentment to grow.  He has never been very intellectual, it wasn't important to me when we first met, but it is now - we never have anything to talk about, except his work and kids.  He has no desire to pick up a book and read, or learn how to do something new.

those are the minor things that complicate the bigger issues, we dissagree in many scriptural 'preferences' When we first met i was a mess, I didnt' know what I believed or knew my preferences but now I do and they don't agree with my hb. I've tried to agree, or agree to disagree but my husband doesn't like that, he wants me to agree with him on everything. He gives me this look like , "you're not being submissive" I know the looke cuz the words have been said with the look.
Last year my sister lost her baby - it was stillborn - my grief was as if it was my own. He was born on the day my youngest son was due. I have my youngest a month early - 35wks - instead of dec3 - the day my sister's baby died. It killed me to watch her and my brother-in-laws pain. my Hb comforted me the day we were told that the baby had no heartbeat - two days later the baby was born dead. I was alone at the hospital in the waiting room. alone. my hb comforted me once then  never again. Rarely even questioned how i was doing. my hb was the only one who could have any idea what I was going through and instead he was cold , telling me I need to move on. No one ever thought about me hurting, i guess i expected my husband to, but he didn't.  the night of my nephews funeral my husband wakes me up in the middle of the night oblivious the nightmares i had been having, or that i hadn't eaten all week, and seeks to please himself in sexual pleasure. It cut deeper than anything else. My emotions were in no condition for it and they broke. But my hb never knew. he apoligized a few days later, but with that tone of " I feel like i'm supposed to" not that he was aware of the pain if brought.
That brings me to the biggest issue. I have no sexual desire at all. its been like this for as along as can iremember. our wedding night was very un romantic at a all. it was quick then the tv was turned on. I came into the marriage not a virgin, my hb was a virgin. For a long time I would try to give him hints and things that would please me, or just straight tell him- very nicely in a non-critical way. it didn't help. I felt very used and unloved  only good for that.  His affection outside the bedroom decreased to next to nothing unless it let to the bedroom. after our oldest was born, i began to bleed every time we were together. I used to tell him, i've stopped for it wasn't changing the way he was. I figured it would be better.  Now he has completely forgotten that i hurt for hours after every time or almost everytime.  I am to the point that I don't even want my husband to touch me - at all.  Some of it is that I'm working through the not physically attracted to him.  He has gained alot of weight since we were first married. I have worked hard and long and watched what I ate to look good for him, I feel like he doesn't love me enough to even try. He'll do something for maybe  1- 4 wks but then gain it all back and more.  But i know that I have to change the way I veiw him in that way  but it is hard when I add the rest in.

Any ways that was really long and probably doesnt' even make sense.  I just want any advice that anyone can give me and prayer is always great.   I am very unhappy in my marriage and I don't know how to make it better. There are days that i don't even want to.  This sounds awful but I'm going to say(first no one knows me here and second its how I feel) I too often feel like the man, not in leading the household, but in everything else. I guess its just hard for me to keep loving him when he doesn't seem manly to me. Help please, and prayer

I see to many "I"s in what your saying. I will have to respond in another post to give advise.

Of course there's going to be "I's" and "me's" and "mine" in her post.  She's pouring out her heart and sharing how SHE feels.  It's not time to pick apart what this woman is saying, but time to offer love, support, and godly counsel!  She's obviously hurting, and is reaching out for help.  This is why people often post anonymously.  They're afraid of rejection.   She needs a big at this time.

Melharri...  You sound like you're on overload and suffering from depression.  It's no wonder with four children, no help from your husband, and having to do the majority of work around the house.   

Do you have anyone reliable to watch the kids?  If so, schedule time just for yourself to get away for a few hours every week.  Whether or not it's just to see a movie or window shopping at the mall.  You cannot work 24/7 without a break.  Our bodies need rest and with four young children, it's doubtful you're getting much. 

Counseling with someone you trust, such as a pastor, may help your situation, but your husband also needs to cooperate and be willing to change.  Perhaps he doesn't realize just how serious the situation is.  Once he is aware that you may leave, it may shock him into trying harder to make the marriage work.

I'm praying that you soon see light at the end of the tunnel.  In the meantime, be sure to seek God daily.  He will give you the strength for each day and the hope to believe for better days.

In Him,
Trueblue 

QuoteShe's pouring out her heart and sharing how SHE feels.  It's not time to pick apart what this woman is saying, but time to offer love, support, and godly counsel!  She's obviously hurting, and is reaching out for help.

This is a good observation! Feelings are important but one must understand in the hurting not to get to a point of hopelessness. There is a lot of good news in what she is saying. Counseling I'm 100% behind. But good advise would start in the same place she has  and that is herself .

Quotei know that I have to change the way I veiw him in that way  but it is hard

I'm going to take a guess and say she married him for stability and peace in her life. This is one of the keys to why she is now struggling so much now. What I believe she deeply desires is to be appreciated for who she is and needs that expressed in a way that's public and genuine. But the person she married is not like that he can change but that change must come from a new trust from her to temper her emotions in a way he understands.

If I'm wrong I'll bow out gracefully and apologies for being to harsh......

First I would like to thank everyone who gave their advice. It is greatly appreciated. 

Quote from: johntwayne on Wed Jan 09, 2008 - 07:39:10


First, do a lot of praying.

Second, write him a letter.  Be totally honest, but gentle. 

 

I think that I will definitely follow this advice for when I talk I too often speak without thinking completely through. a letter is a good start. Thank you. though I will need to spend much time in prayer before i even begin to think about picking up that pen.

Quote from: trueblue on Wed Jan 09, 2008 - 11:17:00
  You sound like you're on overload and suffering from depression. 

I agree that i am overloaded, I have been my entire life - thus the workaholic syndrome. Inherited from parents.  But I would not classify myself as depressed - frustrated and tired yes.   I do apologize for sounding depressed.  Though I agree that I was venting and ' pouring out my heart'. which would explain all the "I's" and "me,s". 
[/quote] I'm hurting yes, but not hopeless.  Leaving my husband has never been an option- giving up is not in my nature.  When i stated that there are times that I just don't want to make my marriage better - it was more like I'm worn out of my trying, working, being vulnerable over and over again and being hurt over again and again.

Quote from: MarkHooper on Wed Jan 09, 2008 - 15:33:13

QuoteBut good advise would start in the same place she has  and that is herself .


I'm going to take a guess and say she married him for stability and peace in her life. This is one of the keys to why she is now struggling so much now. What I believe she deeply desires is to be appreciated for who she is and needs that expressed in a way that's public and genuine. But the person she married is not like that he can change but that change must come from a new trust from her to temper her emotions in a way he understands.

I appreciate your thoughts, but believe me when I say that no one is more aware of my faults as a wife, or believer for that matter,  as me.   My first post was an outward expression of the way I feel.  When expressed not putting in the faults that lie with in myself. I am aware of this.  When I posted I wanted some unbias advice.  Thank you for your honesty. 

I do desire to be appreciated, what woman or human for that matter does not.  But that and security was not why I married my husband.  Details I left out, which I thought were unimportant to the matter,  marrying my husband brought anything but security and this I knew when I married him.  Marrying him brought more insecurity than staying where I was.  Security was what I had before  I said "yes, I'll marry you"

I do trust him with my emotions as well, much less now than when we first got married yes, but that is due to the constant betrayal of that trust.  I gave small details in my first post, for some advice.  Mountians, or valleys, were left out for lack of necessity. 

Counseling might be a good idea as well, though seeing that my mother, who lives in the same town as us, is a counselor, we feel so often that we get more counseling and books given than we know what to do with. 

I appreciate your input, critical reminders are a good chance to revaluate our own personal lives, which should be done on a regular basis for true growth and spiritual maturity.  I respect each opinion given.

It sounds like there is not a good spirit in the house.  I hope that can be rectified.

On some of the issues you bring up, you have no right to complain.  You knew you married a lazy person.  If you didn't know, then you didn't take the time to find out.  It is right and good for a woman to push her husband to be responsible, and I hope you can find positive (tough love is positive too!) ways to help him improve his character.  However, he is what you chose, so if there are rightful changes that need to come about in him, quit complaining and get to work, understanding that you chose a lazy man and you many never accomplish your goal of him being otherwise.  Perhaps, after six years you're tired of trying to make him into something you wished he was.  Well, maybe it isn't possible, or it may take sixty years.  You have to take responsibility for your choice.

As far as his lack of intellectual desire, good luck, but you have to take full blame for being with someone that does not share your desire for intellectual stimulation.  Not many people start to read classical novels very late in life.  Your need for intellectual stimulation will have to come from somewhere else.  This is certainly possible.

On the one hand, you have no right to complain about what you chose in a husband, neither does he have right to complain about the kind of wife he chose.  On the other hand, you, and he, have the responsibility to help each other to live right, be right.  Laziness is not right.  That is a fact that needs to be handled straight on.  It may never change, but it cannot be ignored.

You are very astute in recognizing that love is not a feeling.  Love is what one does, not what one feels.  Yes, I know, that feeling is wonderful, and I hope you two can get it back. 

You chose quite a project.  Perhaps he got more than he bargained for also?  Your project isn't coming along as well as you had hoped.  Don't get me wrong, if it wasn't for good women pushing, guiding, orchestrating their husbands for improvement, there would be far fewer successful men that there are.  I'm big on biblical male and female roles, but nothing is more true than the old adage that the woman is the reason behind many a man's success.  Your project isn't working out, at least not yet.  It may take more time and the end results may not be what you dreamed.

Nobody on this forum is going to have a list of things that will work, and I suppose you already know that.  I'm very against most professional counselors, as they tend to cause much more damage than good, but counseling in general can be a very good thing.  Is there someone your husband respects that can talk to him?  This should be someone that is also not afraid to tell you things you may not want to hear.

There needs to be a foundation to start from.  You say he and you don't agree on scripture often, but at least you both do believe in scripture.  In the Bible are many scriptures about how a woman and man need to be for a good marriage.  He won't take to these scriptures right away, but perhaps you can find a way to keep the good influence of scriptural wisdom a continual part of your home life?  Change most often takes time, maybe years.  And then again, some things may never get fixed.

The Spirit leads, the right kind of spirit needs to be over the home.  In the end, God is the answer, but there is good news, He gave us an owner's manual to refer to.

I wish you the best.

QuoteI do desire to be appreciated, what woman or human for that matter does not.  But that and security was not why I married my husband.  Details I left out, which I thought were unimportant to the matter,  marrying my husband brought anything but security and this I knew when I married him.  Marrying him brought more insecurity than staying where I was.  Security was what I had before  I said "yes, I'll marry you"

Some people do not need appreciation as a motivator in their life. Some people can pat themselves on the back and blow their own horn pretty well. If you did not marry your husband for security what motivated you to marry him? Believe me this essential in getting to the bottom of your struggles. Did you take pity on him or was he fun and exciting to be around?

It seems to me you have lost your purpose and closeness to your husband.

How do I make my husband see I need a purpose?
How do I tell my husband I need to feel a new connection?

Describe your husband?

I am in no shape to give advice ma'am. My wife just left me...tonite. So I am in no shape to counsel. Your husband sounds alot like I was a few months ago with the exception of the "handy" part. I did not  spend time with my wife. I did not lend her my shoulder. I was a slob(which is really just arrogance). I would not show her affection, but still wanted what I wanted in the bedroom(but not like she wanted or as much). And we argued alot and I would be mean and cruel(verbally)Basically, I was all wrapped up in me and completely out of touch(by choice) with her needs. The last few months(with God's help and alot of self discipline and determination I have done a 180 degree turn. I have been extremely selfless and helpful. I have put her first in everything. I have been affectionate(to a fault according to her) I have lost alot of weight and gained muscle(she has said many times I went from"fat" to "hot") My point is I have changed completely into the man she needed. Obviously I may have been too late for she left today. Want to know what it took for this self centered slob to get the picture? I'll tell you and hopefully it helps. I noticed one day through my selfish eyes that she was beginning to become"cold" toward me. Not showing affection. Not wanting to spend time or talk and was very short with me. So I asked,"whats going on"? Her reply cut to my very soul."I am taking our daughter and leaving you after the New Year"! "I have made myself stop loving you". Uhhhh...wake up call in a major way. It took a sharp blow to my heart to get the point across. Im not saying that is how she should have handled it, Im not sure but I know it was effective. Just write him the same letter you wrote here. I hope this helps. I will pray for you and your husband and pray that God restores your Love beyond your wildest dreams.