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Lately I've been struggling with letting go of an infatuation/crush I've had with a young woman I've known for over a year. This is the second infatuation I've had over this girl. First let me give a bit of a background. We are both in college by the way, I'm 24, and she's almost 20.

It all started around Sept-October 2006 when I was working at my job at a computer lab on campus. This young woman comes in and I check her into a computer. She gives me a huge smile and that makes me curious. For the next few weeks, she kept coming in and giving me all these smiles, adn the more I saw her, the more I started to find interest in her. So after a few weeks, I finally got a chance to meet her. It was an interesting time because it seemed as if it was a "story" when we met because the circumstances involved seemed as if it was "meant to be," though I am unsure why it happened that way. So I met her and we hung out and talked for a while.  While talking to this woman, I never felt so comfortable before with any other women I had liked. Now I have never had a girlfriend before, and almost every girl I had liked before and got rejected by, the majority of them I had a hard time talking with comfortably. This woman has been easy to talk to and she's been the closest I've ever gotten to actually being in a romantic relationship.

But here is what happened. She had a b/f at the time that I guess she was struggling to be in (not that he did anything, probably the emotions at work). She had  said she wasn't in a relationship when I met her, but she got back with her b/f, unless she was just struggling with her feelings and the long distance relationship she had. So since I knew she got back with him, I let it go and just remained friends with her, although the feelings didn't go away for a while. After a few months, they broke up, but it didn't really revive any feelings. I just remained friends with her.

Now I have known her for over a year and I had an infatuation first when I met her around October 2006. That infatuation went away around December 2006. And over the past year I have hung out with her a little and kept in touch with her, but I don't recall having any huge feelings towards her over the several months. I have also moved to a different city to attend a different school, but have managed to stay in touch with her through different means. Now just this past week I hung out with her again and for some reason, my feelings have started to return to me and I have a hard time not thinking about her and all the possibilities.

Here are some other notable facts. I was not a Christian when I met her in October and she said she was Catholic, but she doesn't seem to be active in the faith. I just renewed my relationship with God back in January 2007, after my dad passed away. (I was a Christian for a couple years between 2001-2003 then fell away). Now that I am a Christian and she is not, I do not want to engage in a relationship with her. The thing is I still have an infatuation over her for some reason. I have many hopes in her, such as hoping that one day she will commit to God and maybe I can have a chance with her. I know the possibilities and know that there's a chance that there may not be a relationship in the future. I just have a hard time accepting the latter because of my feelings right now.  I am about to leave my hometown to go back to school in another city, and I am not feeling so happy about it because of my infatuation over this woman.

I do not know what to do. I've been praying about this constantly and hope God can lead me in the right direction. I don't understand why I met her the way I did, and why I sometimes think there may be something more to her someday. She has been a unique woman because I haven't met any other.

What do you all think?

Infatuation is delicious.  Ah, the rollercoaster of emotion!  There's an actual endorphin high in the brain when you're staggering around infatuated.  That whole "falling in love" thing is pretty much the same.

Unless you have an actual relationship with her, which would include talking honestly about how you feel about moving far away, I'd keep your agony to yourself.  Just maintain communication if you can.

Just FYI, after a couple has been married a while they can go through the whole infatuation/falling in love thing again.  Sometimes every few years.  It's great fun.

Quote from: janine on Tue Jan 15, 2008 - 21:30:13
Infatuation is delicious.  Ah, the rollercoaster of emotion!  There's an actual endorphin high in the brain when you're staggering around infatuated.  That whole "falling in love" thing is pretty much the same.

Unless you have an actual relationship with her, which would include talking honestly about how you feel about moving far away, I'd keep your agony to yourself.  Just maintain communication if you can.

Just FYI, after a couple has been married a while they can go through the whole infatuation/falling in love thing again.  Sometimes every few years.  It's great fun.

I have learned about infatuation and how it only lasts a while. I've been learning about what love is according to married couples. But of course, I still don't know what love is in a relationship level because I've never been in one.

It's so odd for me though, I don't understand why I am infatuating over someone that is a non-Christian and someone that I had an infatuation with before back in oct-dec 2006. I guess it just happens.

I do hope to keep in touch with her, as I have been over the past year. What else can I do? I really want to share the gospel with her too.

What is the difference between infatuation and true love?

I guess one of them just lasts longer than the other and can weather the storms better.

"True Love" wears well.  It weathers well, it mellows.  Infatuation falls apart suddenly and given time may be back, or may not.

I appreciate the help and understand the difference, but I'm wondering what to do with my situation. I have a hard time letting go of the infatuation. I've been through many infatuations in the past, yet I've forgotten how I got over them.

If you really want to get rid of it --then declare the blood

Confess your sins and repent

Everytime it surfaces --declare the blood

See youself with a paintbrush , dipping it into the blood and covering it so all you can see is the blood

CRIME   into your conscience
             into your reason
             into  your imagination
             into your mind
             into your emotions
also      into your choice
and       into you will

Keep declaring it until you are free    day in day out   scriptures will come and pray according to how the Holy Spirit leads

This works for most stuff a believer struggles with


Also cut of any ungodly soul ties that has been established


By faith see the sword of the spirit severing any connection into the above areas   eg conscience.reason,imagination.mind,emotions,choice and will
Anything that has connected you together in a ungodly way

Declare the blood over your eyes  what you have seen
                             over you ears    what you have heard
                             over you nose    what you have smelt
                             over you mouth  What you have said
                             and over you touch   if you have felt her

If you have fantasied about her then declare the blood over this as well


Try this for a few weeks and see the difference

Great also for removing images that continually come back to hinder us

Situactions and images

Sometimes we have to go for it

Big list for a big problem

God bless my friend

You are creating this strife on your own, letting yourself feel towards someone that clearly is confused about many things.  She is not ready to commit to a real adult relationship, she's not even ready to commit to any form of faith, she's just playing around with it all and needs to grow up.

Take a peek into the Love and Marriage section here, do you see how many people are involved in unhappy mariages, many of them with kids to boot.  They are unhappy because they jumped into it before they were ready.  If you were to talk to a happily married couple that have many years behind them and their relationship is still flourishing, they will not point to how they met to define the rest of their marriage, they will point to things that you would be surprized to know. 

I'm telling you flat out, do not join the ranks of yet another casualty in marriage, heed the advice given there and read the story's of their tragedies, this is where you are heading if you maintain the same course you are on.

How to shake it, begin with logic, look at your priorities, look at hers, you already know there are incompatiblities going on there, you can't expect her to change, the same as you can't expect yourself to change to make it work, it either does, or it doesn't, and in this cace, it's pretty obvious it doesn't.

Once you let logic reason out the unrealistic goal of it ever becoming any more then what it is, which is simple friendship, it's time to define exactly who you want to be with.  What your goals and priorities are, what you expect in a wife and know, this is not a race, that your newly found faith should always remain top priority for your inner self, adding someone into the equasion, the person should reinforce your faith, not take away from it, of which she will do the latter with the one you mentioned.  Once you have defined your parameters, that is the person you should seek out, the one that was meant to be with you, or one that's most compatable to be with you.  She is there right here and now, but she also may need to grow up, or both of you do and you simply are not ready for marriage yet, so you may have to wait a bit longer.  God knows his plan for you, and he knows what's best for you, trust him in his judgement, he only wants the best for you, and if you think about it now, knowing she's there for you, it's only a matter of time, remain loyal to her and keep your heart reserved for the time when you will be together and don't let it wander away to others.

If you stumble here, it's because you don't believe God knows what's best for you and you are blocking the blessings he's bestowing on you.  Just let him do his thing in his time, have faith that he will provide, he always provides to us what we "need" not necessarily what we "want" and again, he knows what's best for you.

I hope this helps friend, Brian

Quote from: Brian Millar on Wed Jan 16, 2008 - 23:37:59
You are creating this strife on your own, letting yourself feel towards someone that clearly is confused about many things.  She is not ready to commit to a real adult relationship, she's not even ready to commit to any form of faith, she's just playing around with it all and needs to grow up.

Take a peek into the Love and Marriage section here, do you see how many people are involved in unhappy mariages, many of them with kids to boot.  They are unhappy because they jumped into it before they were ready.  If you were to talk to a happily married couple that have many years behind them and their relationship is still flourishing, they will not point to how they met to define the rest of their marriage, they will point to things that you would be surprized to know. 

I'm telling you flat out, do not join the ranks of yet another casualty in marriage, heed the advice given there and read the story's of their tragedies, this is where you are heading if you maintain the same course you are on.

How to shake it, begin with logic, look at your priorities, look at hers, you already know there are incompatiblities going on there, you can't expect her to change, the same as you can't expect yourself to change to make it work, it either does, or it doesn't, and in this cace, it's pretty obvious it doesn't.

Once you let logic reason out the unrealistic goal of it ever becoming any more then what it is, which is simple friendship, it's time to define exactly who you want to be with.  What your goals and priorities are, what you expect in a wife and know, this is not a race, that your newly found faith should always remain top priority for your inner self, adding someone into the equasion, the person should reinforce your faith, not take away from it, of which she will do the latter with the one you mentioned.  Once you have defined your parameters, that is the person you should seek out, the one that was meant to be with you, or one that's most compatable to be with you.  She is there right here and now, but she also may need to grow up, or both of you do and you simply are not ready for marriage yet, so you may have to wait a bit longer.  God knows his plan for you, and he knows what's best for you, trust him in his judgement, he only wants the best for you, and if you think about it now, knowing she's there for you, it's only a matter of time, remain loyal to her and keep your heart reserved for the time when you will be together and don't let it wander away to others.

If you stumble here, it's because you don't believe God knows what's best for you and you are blocking the blessings he's bestowing on you.  Just let him do his thing in his time, have faith that he will provide, he always provides to us what we "need" not necessarily what we "want" and again, he knows what's best for you.

I hope this helps friend, Brian

Would you think it's ok to hope in this woman to become a believer someday and hope for a relationship, but not expect it? The latter being the tough part at the moment.

I sometimes think about why this woman came into my life and why everything has happened the way it has with her. Do you think God has any plans with her in my life?

I agree that she needs to grow up and mature. I am purposely avoiding getting into a relationship with her because of where she's at in her faith. I'm just stuck in an infatuation.

Well, here is my perspective to elaborate further here, being 40 does have it's advantages in this area.

I noticed right after highschool most of my friends getting married, settling down, having kids and in general and this was the norm.  What I noticed over the next 10 years, especialy towards the end of that first decade was much of them in non functional marriages and many ending in divorce.  The biggest reason why is because during your 20's is where you are defining who you are to be as an adult, with what you think, what you believe, what your priorities and goals are, and in general, growing up to the person you are going to be.  Many start out being and thinking one way, only to find themselves and figure out the person they are married to is not comptable.  This is why it's important when you are young to take a very hard look at who you are and know the impact marrage is going to make on yourself.  The idea here, if you are doing this, are you going to grow together and discover that you still are going along similar paths, even though they are maturing in the process?  The reason for the high divorce rate these days is typically due to that and many people don't take it as seriously as they should.

I'm saying marriage because I know enough about you from what you say, that is the direction you want to go. At the same time, your heart needs a distraction and for now, it's this girl, it will move onto some other girl, and the pattern will continue.  The question is, do you enjoy this pattern, is it making you happy?  I doubt it, ufufilled love is a very difficult thing for anybody.

I'm also going to assume your biggest obtical you have to overcome is your shyness, again, referencing how you hve difficulty talking to other women.  This can be overcame, believe me, I was painfully shy most of my life, especially when it came to women so I've been there.  There is no benifet to being shy, it serves no positive purpose and it holds you back from being the real you.  Some good advice with that is to develop  your sense of humor, you'll find people to be much less intimidating when they are laughing at a joke you told them, in fact, it's a great ice breaker and it does set poeple at ease.  Another element, talking on the phone helps greatly, it still gives you a curtain to stand behind, since afterall, it's just a phone call, the same as you are doing here typing away at this forum.  There is also live chat rooms everywhere, but with the latter, be carefull which onces you choose.

With the above reference to the one, try to develop that into an active thought, where you know she's there, that it's just a matter of time and reserve your heart in that manner for her, even if you have to make up a fantasy about what it would be like, it gives your heart in this area something to shift towards for the time being.

Now, if you can get these two elements together, you are going to be more confident, will not be presenting a needy disposition and others will notice it.  What happens if you are clearly showing that you are lacking in this area, first is going to drive off any potential mate, second, there will women that will take advantage of that and in the end tear your heart apart.

Also, in case you are worried about the age element, where you think things are passing you by.  In your age bracket, women have the upper hand, it's weird how it works that way, but it's mainly about them not wanting to be left behind so they are more aggressive about the marriage element.  When you get older, the odds are against them since the numbers simply don't mix, now you being a single male are the minoritiy compared to the number of single women.  This means, that the tables will turn in your favor, so again, don't stress on the time element, it starts to kick in when you are around 30 and the numbers jive in your favor the older you get from there.  But, here's the draw back.  Many of them are going to be single moms, some of which are going to have alot of baggage from their past. Others may have played the field heavily, again more baggage, this is where if you get what I'm saying to you now, you can avoid getting trapped into a relationship that you don't want.

Did you get a chance to define who you want in a wife yet?  It's important to write it all down, this allows you to see it clearly, you are in a sense, figuring out who you are in the process.  Along pursuing this further, now that you have defined this, we have a wealth of dating resources all at your disposal.  You'll be using your definition in those places, and you will be apprieciated knowing you aren't playing the field.  Now, if you just want to jump forward, force everything to happen, make it a job, put forward effort in this area every single day until you have made it happen.  This would be the secular route, but if you insist, that's how you do it.

Back to God's plan for you and her, I have no idea what his plans are for either one of you, only he does.  It would be nice if your friend finds her faith again, but you can only pray she does.  If you are praying that she remain into your life in the manner you want her to, then adding that you don't expect it to go anywhere, you are torturing yourself, you gotta choose to stop doing that, make a conciece effort and it will work.

How to break yourself of any pattern of thought or feeling -- how to break a habit?

Get a big thick stretchy rubber band.  Wear it around your wrist like a bracelet.  Every time you find yourself indulging in mooning over her and wallowing around in "I wish I could have her I wish she'd be a Christian I wish I could have her oooooh isn't she the best thing since sliced bread I wish we could get married ..." --- Every time you  think of her in fact -- reach your other hand over and pull on that rubber band.  Let it go with a *snap*!  Cause yourself a bit of pain there every time you think or do or say or remember the thing you're trying to break.

After a while you'll avoid the thing.

It sounds like you don't really want out

Until that time comes my friend you will allways be stuck

Fantasy

Quote from: Brian Millar on Thu Jan 17, 2008 - 04:10:13
Well, here is my perspective to elaborate further here, being 40 does have it's advantages in this area.

I noticed right after highschool most of my friends getting married, settling down, having kids and in general and this was the norm.  What I noticed over the next 10 years, especialy towards the end of that first decade was much of them in non functional marriages and many ending in divorce.  The biggest reason why is because during your 20's is where you are defining who you are to be as an adult, with what you think, what you believe, what your priorities and goals are, and in general, growing up to the person you are going to be.  Many start out being and thinking one way, only to find themselves and figure out the person they are married to is not comptable.  This is why it's important when you are young to take a very hard look at who you are and know the impact marrage is going to make on yourself.  The idea here, if you are doing this, are you going to grow together and discover that you still are going along similar paths, even though they are maturing in the process?  The reason for the high divorce rate these days is typically due to that and many people don't take it as seriously as they should.

I'm saying marriage because I know enough about you from what you say, that is the direction you want to go. At the same time, your heart needs a distraction and for now, it's this girl, it will move onto some other girl, and the pattern will continue.  The question is, do you enjoy this pattern, is it making you happy?  I doubt it, ufufilled love is a very difficult thing for anybody.

I'm also going to assume your biggest obtical you have to overcome is your shyness, again, referencing how you hve difficulty talking to other women.  This can be overcame, believe me, I was painfully shy most of my life, especially when it came to women so I've been there.  There is no benifet to being shy, it serves no positive purpose and it holds you back from being the real you.  Some good advice with that is to develop  your sense of humor, you'll find people to be much less intimidating when they are laughing at a joke you told them, in fact, it's a great ice breaker and it does set poeple at ease.  Another element, talking on the phone helps greatly, it still gives you a curtain to stand behind, since afterall, it's just a phone call, the same as you are doing here typing away at this forum.  There is also live chat rooms everywhere, but with the latter, be carefull which onces you choose.

With the above reference to the one, try to develop that into an active thought, where you know she's there, that it's just a matter of time and reserve your heart in that manner for her, even if you have to make up a fantasy about what it would be like, it gives your heart in this area something to shift towards for the time being.

Now, if you can get these two elements together, you are going to be more confident, will not be presenting a needy disposition and others will notice it.  What happens if you are clearly showing that you are lacking in this area, first is going to drive off any potential mate, second, there will women that will take advantage of that and in the end tear your heart apart.

Also, in case you are worried about the age element, where you think things are passing you by.  In your age bracket, women have the upper hand, it's weird how it works that way, but it's mainly about them not wanting to be left behind so they are more aggressive about the marriage element.  When you get older, the odds are against them since the numbers simply don't mix, now you being a single male are the minoritiy compared to the number of single women.  This means, that the tables will turn in your favor, so again, don't stress on the time element, it starts to kick in when you are around 30 and the numbers jive in your favor the older you get from there.  But, here's the draw back.  Many of them are going to be single moms, some of which are going to have alot of baggage from their past. Others may have played the field heavily, again more baggage, this is where if you get what I'm saying to you now, you can avoid getting trapped into a relationship that you don't want.

Did you get a chance to define who you want in a wife yet?  It's important to write it all down, this allows you to see it clearly, you are in a sense, figuring out who you are in the process.  Along pursuing this further, now that you have defined this, we have a wealth of dating resources all at your disposal.  You'll be using your definition in those places, and you will be apprieciated knowing you aren't playing the field.  Now, if you just want to jump forward, force everything to happen, make it a job, put forward effort in this area every single day until you have made it happen.  This would be the secular route, but if you insist, that's how you do it.

Back to God's plan for you and her, I have no idea what his plans are for either one of you, only he does.  It would be nice if your friend finds her faith again, but you can only pray she does.  If you are praying that she remain into your life in the manner you want her to, then adding that you don't expect it to go anywhere, you are torturing yourself, you gotta choose to stop doing that, make a conciece effort and it will work.

At the moment I am definitely not ready to marry. I may be 24 years old, but I am still in college for 2.5 more years. I don't have a decent income either. One day I would like to get married, but until then I would be like grow and mature both physically and spiritually in my faith in God. The only thing is that from time to time I'll find a woman that I am attracted to, and end up in infatuations over them, hoping that maybe we could get to know each other and eventually begin a serious relationship. The only problem is that I've never gotten to the serious relationship. Currently I have made progress in getting to know the current girl that I have an infatuation with. I've never gotten to know a girl as much as her, so she's unique in my life. I am ok with taking my time, the problem is my mind isn't because I have an anxious personality. I guess I need help with that issue.

I am shy, though I have noticed that I've been comfortable talking to women more and more as the years have went by. The part I have had a hard time with is making the first moves in introducing myself to other women that I have yet to meet and am interesting in. Sometimes certain circumstances just fall into place and allow me to talk to women. I don't think I am intensely shy, I just know I need more improvement in this area.

I have not really defined what I want in a wife. I wrote down some things, but haven't given them much thought. I know some things that I do want in a wife, the first thing being that she has a faithful relationship with God. There are always those smaller things that I wouldn't mind having, such as musical tastes or so, but I can live without that unless the music is obviously anti-Christian.

I do have a lot of hopes for this young woman I like. I do not know her enough to truly make a decision, and I am willing to let her grow and mature. But I do not want to infatuate over her for 2 years or so.  The issue at the moment is letting go of having any expectations and my infatuation. I am not wanting to get out, but how can I get the desire to get out? I don't remember how I did it last year with the same woman. I remember I had an infatuation over her, but over a few months it faded away and I just kept being friends with her. All the sudden the infatuation took hold of me again.

I think one thing that bugs me is how I've never met a woman like this one before, she has been the closest I've gotten to know compared to all the other women in the past. But I can't excuse myself, since there are millions of other women out there. I'm just lacking faith in this area I guess, and need help trusting God to take care of everything and guide me in the right direction with women.