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I've been married for about 3 years and the whole time it's been really rocky with lots of fighting and miscommunication. My husband and I are both Christian but have backslid the past 2 years and we both had affairs and dabbled with pot. Now we are clean again, attending church regularly, reading the Bible and rebuilding trust. I really struggle with the sex thing because I don't find him physically attractive anymore and have lost the 'in love' feeling for him...basically he wants sex way more than I do and I'm just not into it although I try to be and end up resenting him for it. Not only that but I find him very controlling and he has an overall solemn attitude and I have a natural sunny disposition. For instance,  I wake up happy and he wakes up depressed and we'll fight all day about that. We've been through counseling at the church and have both been delivered recently to get rid of any attachments. I thought this would help for sure but it hasn't.

I'm really just not happy and I haven't been for a long time. I'm so tired of fighting! Is this what marriage is supposed to be like? It feels like we've been going up hill the whole time and I have yet to see a beautiful view promising blue skies.  I feel like this marriage has aged me and my soul longs to be alone and single again. I feel like I've been beating my head against a wall.   

What should I do? I'm exhausted!

First I would suggest pouring out your heart to God in repentance for your sins against him, if you haven't done that already. And lament the damage that you have done to the marriage and not blame him for your actions, he might have been partially at fault for these problems; but you are totally at fault for your actions. Then I would cry out to God and lament your unforgivingness you have for your husband, and how you allow it to manifest in your marriage.

Then I would confess all these things to your husband without expecting anything from him, and ask for his forgiveness for how you have treated him. And I would suggest you do this regardless if you feel he is in the wrong or right, because forgiveness and humility doesn't place conditions on others. And from there I would stop judging his attitude as depressed or solemn since once sin has taken a stronghold in someones marriage someone should be upset about it.

I would also start making sacrifices in the bedroom, or at least compromises. Since if adultery has been a problem in the past, cutting him off for no good reason other than you don't want to isn't going to improve the situation.

The reason I'm telling you to take all these steps though is because you posted, I would say the same thing to your husband. Someone has to follow Christ in your home, and since Christ died for sinners that were in complete rebellion  toward God. You need to foster that same forgiveness toward your husband, because thats what Christ did for you.

Are you looking for permission to leave your husband?

Here's an update b/c it's hard to express every detail of the depth of the problems in our marriage. We have both repented and forgiven each other for our infidelity. We both have accepted responsibility, been forgiven by God and forgiven each other. I can honestly say this is not the cause of our unhappiness but symptoms of the underlying problems.

I've left my marriage at the foot of the cross for God to heal. What else can I do? I guess that's the answer.

It seems there is no 'quick fix' to this and I've been foolish to look for one. I can't seem to shake that fact that this marriage will never get better...but this is my lack of faith talking. I guess I am tired and worn down. Even in church when I am singing praise with worship and totally filled with the Holy Spirit I still have feelings of doubt about my marriage. I pray that God opens my eyes to the spiritual things I cannot see. 

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Good advice...I'll take it. 

And look to God, in that you and God need to be close.  If you are following God and fulfilled in God and developing all your skills and talents with God and for God... you then will be a desirable woman even more than you already are.  It can't hurt, and it might help.

Earth Angel,

I am sorry you have found yourself in this situation. I am curious about a few things though. You wrote that you no longer are "attracted" to him and do not have that "in love" feeling any longer. What has happened to make your attraction for your husband "wither and die"? I find this interesting simply because you both have had affairs, so evidently, sex itself is not the issue. And your idea of love seems very immature. Look at the biblical meaning of love. It has nothing to do with "that in love feeling".   In fact, it's not a feeling at all.

1st Corinthians 13:4-7

4. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.


You said that you try to be accommodating (my words) in the bed room but end up resenting him. Why is that? Why would you resent him for wanting something that is very natural to want? You two need to continue to seek good, Godly counsel. I am convinced that there are issues which have not been resolved. Things you or both of you have not come to grips with. I agree with what Charles suggested to you...You need to take care of you as far as repenting and living YOUR life for the Lord. The rest will handle itself.

One thing I can suggest though....You seem to have a defeatist attitude about this situation. Trust me when I say this, your marriage is not to tough for God to handle...Do not go to the Lord defeated. Stand triumphant unto the Lord and declare victory. Believe me, God wants your marriage to be healed. And it will be healed. Just as long as you do not listen to the great liar himself. Satan loves to wreck marriages. It will take work. It took work to damage the marriage and it will take work to repair it.

I will pray for you and your husband. Please keep us posted. Do not take this post as an attack against you or demeaning in any way. I just wanted to approach it from a different direction. I have been through similar issues.

Thank you janine and Mac....very wise advice.

I will spend more time focusing on myself and my relationship with Christ instead of the faults with my marriage and my husband. I will trust that God will take care of it...

I am working on my thinking as well. I don't know what True Love is and I'm praying for God to show me that to as well as the patience to honor His timing not mine.

The child part of me wants to run...but the adult side of me knows I have to stay and work out these issues. It has been a very hard year for both of us.

Spiritually, emotionally...I"m not being nourished by my husband. I must get this sustenance from the Lord. At times I feel very lonely and when I do I just go to Him and I feel better. I pray that my heart heals and is able to feel love again.

Thank for your prayers. God bless you.

There is a period of adjustment after people are wed, and it often takes a while to adapt to each other's idiosyncrasies.   Were you engaged for very long before you married?  Usually, you get to know the person pretty well if you've been with each other in various situations over a period of time.  You must have had love for your husband to have married him, and since it's only been a few years, it shouldn't take as long to rekindle that love. 

It sounds to me like you balance each other out in some ways.  His serious nature, and your sunny disposition is one example. 

Regarding his stronger desire for sex, you should talk it over with him.  His being too demanding is not taking your needs into account.  There should be a healthy balance, not just having it all one-sided.  Husbands are to love their wives as Christ loved the church, and wives are to honor their husbands.  If you both seek to please the other, it may be necessary to compromise a little so you won't resent his trying to force himself on you so often.

I'd suggest you attend a marriage retreat on a weekend.  It may allow you both to focus on what each of you needs to keep your marriage whole.   If you aren't able to do that, you can at least read books that will explain what you, yourself can do to keep your marriage alive.   Dr. Laura Schlesinger wrote a book, "The Care And Feeding of Husbands" which may be of help to you.   It is available at the library and on tape, if you don't enjoy reading.

Please try to focus on your hubby's good points and why you chose him for a mate.  Think, also, on the good aspects of your marriage.  I think if you settle in your mind that you are going to stay in the marriage for the long haul, you'll find a way with God's help to make it work, and will be glad you did farther down the road. 

The Lord will help you through the rough times if you lean on Him and honor the commitment you made to your spouse.

God bless you, Earth Angel, and thank you for sharing your heart with us on the forum.  May God give you wisdom and healing for your marriage.   

Thank you trueblue....I am amazed by the help and wisdom on this forum. It's been a blessing for sure.

To answer your questions. We dated for only 4 months before marrying and to be perfectly honest I was not ready to get married (I was 24) but I was a born again Christian (at 24) and my husband said living together was a sin. He also saved himself for marriage and did not want to risk having sex before marriage. I originally moved in with him for financial reasons and because he asked me to. My husband was the one that brought me to Christ.

We have been reading books on marriage, currently The Secret of Loving by McDowell and The Power of a Prayerful Husband & Wife by Stormie Omartian, and Surviving an Affair....intellectually these books are great but I am dealing with more the emotion of this and the strong feeling of 'intuition' that this just isn't the right man. I know now not to trust my feelings tho....;) I realize that I'm still a baby Christian and have much to learn in the area of the mind and feelings....

We have a marriage retreat put on by our church coming up in May and we are going to start counseling there as well....

Also, about the sex thing....another thing that bothers me is that my husband wants to do something that i don't want to do and I've told him this lots of times and I think he has an obsession with it :( I've even had nightmares about it. Not to be graphic or anything but he is keenly interested in 'the back door' if you know what I mean and is always trying to go back there which makes me extremely uncomfortable. It seem perverse to me??? But hey, I can't really judge I just wish we had the same turn ons.

So, I've been giving all my worries, doubts and fears to Jesus...He has lightened the load. I am focusing on myself and my own faults and working on being the best woman I can be. My only hope is that I know Jesus is my Shepard and He will guide me through this.

Thanks for your advice guys, I humbly thank you!!! GOD bless!

Quote from: Earth Angel on Sun Apr 06, 2008 - 13:33:06
We both have accepted responsibility, been forgiven by God and forgiven each other.

It seems there is no 'quick fix' to this and I've been foolish to look for one.   

Um.... NO... you have not "forgiven each other" you have started down the path to forgiveness. It is not a momentary thing for us as it is for the LORD. You are forgiven instantly by Him, but you and your husband are going to have to walk it out.  And everyday you are going to have to get up and look yourself in the mirror and say... "I forgive him" and "I forgive me" today.  And by noon, you may have to say it again. You are going to have to FIGHT for your marriage against the enemy of your soul who would love to see you fail.

You need to "take steps of forgiveness" forgiveness is not a feeling, its an action... do something that shows it. And when you miss it, do it again.  All these thoughts you are expressing are ALL seeds of failure the enemy is trying to plant in your marriage.

Your husbands wants to love you, love him back. And resent him not.  If you have to, take a bubble bath, and beg God to forgive you every day for resenting that He wants to be one with you, to touch you, to feel your touch and to have the intimacy appointed by God to you both in marriage.

Find ways to help him be attractive to you.  Help him pick clothes or cut his hair, WHATEVER. How far are you willing to go to please God and to do His will in your life?  Have you heard of the "eye of a needle"... how far will you submit to please your God?

And you HIT the nail on the head girlfriend... There is no easy fix here.  But, there is healing, and restoration, if you let God be God in your life. But, just like dealing with a death... there is a process you will have to walk through to get to the other side.  Your first marriage to your husband died, and now you are in the middle of a chance to have a NEW one.  Keep the faith.

PS... Take your husband to a man of God who can explain to him that the marriage bed is not defiled before the LORD. Which means whatever you BOTH agree to is really free game. Notice that key word... AGREE.  If you do not agree, He needs to let it go, stop pushing you and seek to be set free from the mindset that he "HAS" to have it or his sex life is not complete.

Just tell him, we are not animals, we do NOT have to go with EVERY single curiousity that comes along.  Tell him that you are not comfortable with it, the answer is NO and if you ever change your mind, you will let him know. 

Frankly... I don't ever turn my husband away ...  but if I said "no" to something that he pushed me for and tried without my permission ... and he continued. He'd be on the floor in 2 seconds flat.  I don't have to deal with your situation, he doesn't lean that way.  But I do support your right to say no to painful or unpleasant things and to have his respect in that area.  It's your sex life too.

Be honest with him, you guys need healing, the last thing he needs to be obsessed with right now is the FREAK thing! 

Your husband definitely needs to stop pressuring you to do things in bed that you are not comfortable with.  I think I would be turned off if that was happening as well.  It may also be causing more resentment between you two, which you don't need right now.  You guys need healing and that is definitely going to make matters worse.  My prayers are with you. 

Thank you for your prayers and advice guys....much appreciated! 

I have good news. WE ARE VICTORIOUS!!! 

Here's an update: My husband saw me typing a reply on the boards here and got upset when I told him I didn't want him to read the thread. He said I wasn't being honest with him and I felt that I was just reaching out to good Christian advice and needed some privacy. Well after much debate I decided he was right b/c we talked about everything (including what I said above) and we went a lot deeper with honesty and our feelings. This is one of my main lessons right now: HONESTY 

Being truthful with how I am feeling and thinking no matter how ugly or confusing. Connecting with my husband and letting him know where I am at every moment of every day. (this is something I am not used to!! and my spirit has been resistant) Both my husband and I are very deep people and he demands 100% honesty from me. This is very different from what society and my family/friends have taught me....(big surprise)

He told me what God has revealed to him through prayer and the Word.

That I am struggling with major obstacles right now and God is pruning me.
The major struggles have been honesty, generational sin (adultery), the consequences (feelings) from my affair, and the fear from seeing how selfish and prideful I can be. I'm also learning to submit my will and to have faith and trust in God's Will... Also, that I fear receiving love and I fear not being able to give love...this one is a product of wrong thinking and unhealed emotional wounds.

So, as you can see I am dealing with a lot all rolled into one and it has been very intense. My hubby is dealing with control issues, judgment, communication skills, and submitting everything to Him....

And as of now...we are being freed from these self-conflicted prisons through prayer, praise, worship and extensive Bible Study....The Holy Spirit has also been speaking to us in amazing ways, now that we've slowed down our minds enough to really listen.

And the best kicker was last night we watched the Tyler Perry movie 'Why did I get Married'....OMG this movie was AMAZING and showed the humanity in marriage and how every one is imperfect and how it's really about forgiveness and pleasing the other person...and more forgiveness ;)  The movie really touched my soul and made us both so emotional and provoked a lot of deep conversation. One of the things they recommended in the movie was when you have a conflict with your spouse to write a list of all the Bad things he's ever done to you and a list of all the Good things he's ever done for you....and to compare that list and make a decision based on that. So...that's what I did and WOW....the Good list took up 2 long pages and the items on that list were some of the most meaningful things in my life. And the Bad list was...petty and stupid and SHORT! So after that, I cried my eyes out on the bathroom floor and prayed to God for Him to change ME ....and thanking Him for opening my eyes finally!! CLARITY! Answered PRAYER!! I then wrote another list of the Things to Please my Hubby and that list seemed easy and doable ( considering ALL the good things he's done for me!!) and I realized that it really doesn't take much to please my hubby....and that I should really focus on that every day...and finally give up my selfish ways!!....

I can't tell you how good it feels to finally be free of the confusion.

We made love that night and again this morning....and we've been in a state of bliss with deep conversation and lots of healing.

I thank God for His grace and mercy. 

I am learning that 'my thought's have been the cause of my downfall...and as a baby Christian I am learning how vital it is to keep my thoughts focused on the Good. I am learning to respect Satan and to be ALERT and stand firm with the Armor of GOD. I am reading this book called 'Battlefield of the Mind' by Joyce Meyer and it is rocking my world. She says that "Salvation is based solely on the blood of Jesus, His death on the cross and His resurrection. Many people will be in heaven because they truly accepted Jesus as their Savior, but many of these same people will never have walked in victory or enjoyed the good plan God had for their lives because they did not get their mind renewed according to His Word."

WOW

So this is where we are at my friends. I am amazed by how strong my husband is and I am so glad we are both right with Christ again...and I pray we never back slide again...it has been a long, dark and lonely road without Him...

And I humbly thank you guys for your encouragement, words of wisdom and prayer.

TRUE LOVE CONQUERS ALL
TRUE LOVE CONQUERS ALL
TRUE LOVE CONQUERS ALL

Now....  if you wake up tomorrow tempted to doubt or to feel down... get in here and read what you wrote!!

Encourage yourself in the LORD, and encourage your husband too.

I pray for my husband at night. I lay hands on him, I pray for him, I speak his name to the throne of God in prayer for his needs, his day, provision, strength and leadership.  I speak the word of the LORD into his life.  I've always done that in our marriage. I do it for my kids to. But, always my husband.

Keep the faith. 

Earth Angel, I praise God for your good report and rejoice with you in the victory you've found in Jesus Christ!   

Day 3 and we're still going STRONG! 

There's been a definite shift in my mind and spirit that I just can't explain...It's wonderful!

I'm so very THANKFUL.

We will start marriage counseling soon with a favorite Pastor at our church, just to make sure all the issues are ironed out once and for all...

Thank you JESUS! 

Luv you guys!

If you can manage to still be in that positive, triumphant mood when you and he are 63 and the grandkids are sick and your retirement investments have just gone down the tubes... won't that be a thrill!

(and P.S. -- if he ever expresses fascination with some sexual action that you do not like, perhaps you ought to suggest that he submit to it himself (at your hands, of course) to see what it is he's really asking for...)

Continue on the right path.  It is so important to stay in the Word of God and renew your mind...every day.  Praise God for your testimony.  You may not always FEEL this elated but know that the Lord is with you with strength and grace each day.  Continue to look to Him in all things.   

Quote from: janine on Wed Apr 09, 2008 - 22:18:31
(and P.S. -- if he ever expresses fascination with some sexual action that you do not like, perhaps you ought to suggest that he submit to it himself (at your hands, of course) to see what it is he's really asking for...)

Nice... The best solution I have ever heard! What a dandy idea. They should put this in "pre-marriage" classes! 

And I'm not even condemning sexual activity between married people that others might consider "kinky".  One man's kink is another man's normal.  Just because something Person A likes seems sick or silly to me, or something I like turns Person B's stomach... almost all such stuff is subjective and situational.

There is room in a couple's sex life for one partner to participate in less-favorite things because the other partner enjoys them.  No problem there --  but what I am trying to emphasize is that stuff that is not mutually enjoyed is not worth doing.  Something may not be enthusiastically agreed to, with high anticipation -- but there had better be at least some feeling of serene acceptance.

Yes, my husband has dropped that subject completely!   

Today, I'm not feeling so enthusiastic but I'm singing praise, praying and reading the Word in the morning and at night REGARDLESS of how I feel...

And my thoughts...well....they continue to be a battlefield. I just say..."Get behind me Satan...Jesus controls my thoughts...I LOVE MY HUSBAND!!"

I've also been acutely aware of the thoughts that cause 'death' in my body and mind...being aware of how my spirit feels with the things that I'm thinking and if I'm feeling 'deathly' (anxious, worried, confused, or depressed) I quickly change my thoughts and go through the process that I mentioned above.

I've also been exploring what it means to have a Christ mind. It says in the Word that we all have a Mind of Christ. So I'm working on thinking more positive thoughts (about my marriage specifically) and being more God-minded, 'God Loves Me' minded, Exhortation minded, Thankful minded and Word-minded. When I think this way my spirit feels and breathes 'Life'....but it is taking lots of discipline.

Through it all my hubby is being patient and understanding. And we're both praying for each other daily.

Happiness comes and goes...but Peace of Mind is what I'm aiming for. Abiding in Jesus is our first priority.
He can change all things and is renewing both our mind and spirit.

I can't tell you it isn't painful sometimes but I realize the next lesson I'm learning is Long Suffering...

No one ever said it would be easy.  It will be a process of healing.  The Lord will be with you with strength.  He is your tower of refuge and strength.  Keep running to Him!  God bless

Hello Everyone,

I am the husband of Earth Angel and things have taken a turn. I have made my first post here at:
Links removed per forum rule 3.3

See the post below for the link to the discussion he refers to.

Here is the link to the discussion answered echoes referred to:

http://www.gracecentered.com/christian_forums/index.php?topic=26158.0

High Earth Angel,

I've read through some of the replies and it seems you are getting wise counsel.  I would like to share what I believe to be a biblical perspective of sex.  Before I get into that though, I'd like to point out that I believe the Egalitarian model of marriage is the divine ideal, not the Patriarichal.  In other words, I believe that husband and wife are completely equal and responsible before God!  I also believe in talent-based roles as opposed to gender-based roles.  In other words, if you are the one with the talent, strength, and/or power, you have the most responsibility to make that part of your marriage healthy.  And concerning sex - You Have The POWER!  And thus, before God you have the most responsibility to make that part of your marriage vibrant and healthy.  So you provide servant leadership in that area of your marriage.  And being you have the power of sex, you have to guard yourself against using sex to control or punish your husband. 

Well, I've got to go now, but will share more later.

Blessings,
Sherman