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I'm a 27 yr old make-up artist/hair dresser and have been married to JJ who's the same age and is a software engineer/graphic designer for about 3.5 years now. From day one he's treated me like nothing less than royalty and made sure I always knew that nothing and no one came before me in his life.

He is simply put the most drop dead gorgeous and perfect man than any woman could ever possibly ask for and I used to hear it every day from friends and relatives alike just how lucky I was to be married to someone as romantic , devoted and adoring as him.

He grew up in a very wealthy family with an emotionally and physically abusive father who constantly cheated on his mother and broke her heart and moved out at 18.He has never ,not once even come close to laying a hand on me in anger and is one of the gentlest and most protective men I have ever known.

He told me about his abusive childhood about 9 months into our relationship. I guess he still saw himself as damaged goods and almost expected me to walk out on him when I found out but told me because he wanted me to know the truth about him. I was really touched that he trusted me enough to tell me something so painful to talk about and something he'd never shared with anyone else and our relationship became stronger than ever after that.

His mom overdosed/suicided when he was 16 when she couldn't take his father's cheating ways anymore and his dad was murdered 5 years ago by the husband of one of his mistresses. Now Benji and JJ have been friends since they were 13. Benji was always the player who would sleep with anything with a pretty face.

He was the best man at our wedding even though he was always more of a comic relief sort of friend than a best men type of friend. From day one Benji and I flirted a lot even though JJ wasn't all that comfortable about it especially in the company of others but he trusted me completely, thought of me as loyal to the core and believed me when I told me it was just a bit of fun even though he had been cheated on twice before.

Last week I was having a bad day at work and went to drop off some files for Benji at the office of his night club. He was being really sweet and funny trying to cheer me up. I was stupid, emotional, irrational and just seriously vulnerable at the time and not thinking clearly and I ended up sleeping with him. I felt terrible afterwards and confessed to JJ the very same night.

The night I confessed he booked himself into a hotel because he needed time to think. Two days after I confessed was my best friends wedding at which I was the maid of honor. Benji, who was the groom's cousin and had gotten wasted, eventually got sick of my ignoring him. He yelled at me during the first dance, JJ punched him, and I yelled out that JJ was just like his father.

He looked at me like I had had just killed his heart and soul the second I said it making me feel like complete and utter scum. I talked to him last night and he told he still loves me as much as ever and that the last thing he wants is to end our marriage but he simply can't promise that he'll ever be able to get past it. I had the perfect life and messed it up beyond belief in mere hours. Where do we go from here? Is there hope for my marriage? How do I make this right?

{edited for inappropriate language.}

Wow, That was one of the most miserable tales I have ever read. The pity I feel 'JJ' is so strong. A terrible life, and when he finally find happiness, it is blown up in his face in a way that can only compound the issues he had has a child. His best friend, wow, thats awful as well.

I fear for JJ's health, mental and physical. I will pray for him. PLEASE ask him to seek counsel not just from a pastor, but also an experienced psychiatrist if he becomes depressed etc.

For you
Everyone makes mistakes, remember that, some worse than others, and I feel like I need to say this even though I have no right, if there was one mistake you could have made, that was probably the worst. I don't know what advice to give you to save the relationship. Also, do not forget about yourself, you are clearly remorseful, strive to come to peace with yourself and 'jj' instead of just punishing yourself.

How you could have sided with Benji and said something so cruel when your hubby hit him is beyond me.

Would Jesus slam it back in her face? No.

love,

Sopranette

Your husband has had everyone in his life betray him.... and now you.  You are right it is the "Ultimate Betrayal" and being vunerable is no excuse... not even close.  IF all the things you said about him in the beginning of the post are true... then you are a very foolish woman.

Benji is worthless, and you have crushed the one man who loved you.  Very sad.  He is alone now.  Mom gone, dad gone, wife cheated...  He trusted you with more than a ring on your finger... He shared the pains and sorrows of his life with you.

He has every right to divorce you.   

This story makes me want to throw up.  I'm not sure what kind of response you wanted here... but sympathy... I don't have.  Not for you.  Tell J.J. I am praying for him.

The night I confessed he booked himself into a hotel because he needed time to think. Two days after I confessed was my best friends wedding at which I was the maid of honor. Benji, who was the groom's cousin and had gotten wasted, eventually got sick of my ignoring him. He yelled at me during the first dance, JJ punched him, and I yelled out that JJ was just like his father.

Actually, you and Benji are like his father... from where I sit. 

Find a counselor that can get the whole story and do a complete assessment of the two of you. Nothing in the following is intended as therapeutic advice for you. I don't know you, or anyone you've mentioned, and all I know of your story is what you have said in the OP. What I have provided below is a general description of common reactions to these sorts of events that are evidenced by a broad range of people. Your, your husband's, and the other guy's may well be different, and rather than taking any of the following information as a basis for any action, let me repeat myself and say "get a counselor."
You are very courageous to post your story here, and that indicates both a realization that you've blown it, and an intention to "fix" the problem. So good on you for that willingness.

The simple and unfortunate answer to your question is, you can't make it right if, by "making it right" you mean making it not ever have happened.

You have likely severely demeaned your husband twice within two days in ways that have struck deeply into his heart. There's probably no getting around that, and you're going to have to simply wait it out.

It likely wouldn't hurt for you to say you're sorry for both, although your husband (based on others' behaviors) probably won't respond very well initially.

You will need to understand that in your world, what you've done has been done - it's over; there's nothing you can do about either, except to say you're sorry.

Unfortunately, your husband's world has been shaken to its core and he won't be able to say it's over. Depending on his personality, he may simply get angry from time to time for no apparent reason - or he may sulk, or seemed withdrawn and detached. That will be because the thoughts will return to him but he knows he can't - and you can't - do anything about what has happened. Or, as sometimes happens, your husband may want to make sure you hurt as much as he does and he may do things for the purpose of hurting you (not physically, but emotionally). Many folks who have been hurt in these ways by people close to them want their partners to know how deeply they feel the hurt. Unfortunately, that is an agenda that won't give them much satisfaction.

Your husband may think you're dirty; may not be able to believe that you actually love him if you'd jump into bed with one of his best friends - because you're vulnerable. He may have thoughts like, and say things like "It isn't like he's never been vulnerable, and he didn't jump in bed with someone convenient." Many men understand that women accept them through sex and so your husband may not trust that you accept him, that you love him - for all he knows, you're thinking about the other guy when having sex with him - at least he may well think that. As for telling him that he's like his father, that may well make your husband think twice about what you really think about him - it's bad enough that he has protected himself from that for these many years. To have the woman who cheated on him defend the guy that she slept with probably will only make him more angry and more withdrawn.

So....find a counselor and talk to them. If you're Christians, find a professional, licensed therapist that also has some (real) training in theology (not the other way around). If your husband will go with you - great, but be prepared for some pretty silent times at home and painful times at the counselor - this will not go away over night.

The first concrete thing you need to do is stop doing "files" - or anything else for that other guy. In fact, you probably ought to avoid that other guy for the rest of your life (I'm not joking). Then, make sure that your husband knows where you are and what you're doing all the time - assuming he doesn't mind getting phone calls from you.

You will be challenged to not get angry with your husband because of his predictable behavior. You will become frustrated and want him to put this behind him long before he's ready - emotionally or psychologically - to put them to rest. Grief over the loss of someone close to you takes about two years to adequately adjust to, and this loss for your husband may well represent the same sort of blow - except that you're going to be around to remind him of the hurt. It will likely be a long road for the two of you.

I've not included a host of considerations and reactions, and the foregoing are simply examples of results and approaches to healing the rift created between the two of you. You will need to find a counselor and work through this situation carefully - and there's no guarantee that your husband will "get over" this anytime soon - assuming he does at all.

On the other hand, with a good counselor and two folks who want to work through these kinds of things, all need not be lost. Couples do recover from affairs, but it takes a lot of work and willingness to not hold on to hurt (even if imperfectly) - and being patient with each other for many months.

Blessings to you and your family.

QuoteYou will be challenged not get angry with your husband because of his predictable behavior. You will become frustrated and want him to put this behind long before he's ready - emotionally or psychologically - to put them to rest. Grief over the loss of someone close to you takes about two years to adequately adjust to, and this loss for JJ may well represent the same sort of blow - except that you're going to be around to remind him of the hurt. It will likely be a long road for the two of you.

I don't want to scaremonger but I knew a man who died because of this, which is why I am so horrifed, by uncle's friend. Retired Navy, wife went off with his best friend, he died 4 years later, he was  a tramp within 6 months of it happening. Sometimes people never get over it. I don't even know if he had childhood trauma.

Roberson is right, this is going to be a long difficult road. You are going to have to be strong because there will be problems, and you will forget about what caused things and only know that your husband is being frusterating. 

I just hope you truly truly are remorseful.

You are very fortunate that he still wants to be with you and even to try at your marriage, but it will take him a lot of time to get over this and to be able to ever trust you again.It isnt impossible though with Gods help.God is more than willing to help restore what you have lboth lost given time.

You do need outside help I would think as has been said, and if your hubby does really want to stay and try to make this work, you have to never ever do anything like this again or that will be it for your marriage I would think.

I'm not sure that in his position I could ever try again or trust again, so if he does then you are very fortunate and blessed to have such a wonderful husband. Dont ever risk loosing him for something so stupid again.

Quote from: Howdyboyalan on Mon Oct 13, 2008 - 08:05:13
Wow, That was one of the most miserable tales I have ever read. The pity I feel 'JJ' is so strong. A terrible life, and when he finally find happiness, it is blown up in his face in a way that can only compound the issues he had has a child. His best friend, wow, thats awful as well.

I fear for JJ's health, mental and physical. I will pray for him. PLEASE ask him to seek counsel not just from a pastor, but also an experienced psychiatrist if he becomes depressed etc.

For you
Everyone makes mistakes, remember that, some worse than others, and I feel like I need to say this even though I have no right, if there was one mistake you could have made, that was probably the worst. I don't know what advice to give you to save the relationship. Also, do not forget about yourself, you are clearly remorseful, strive to come to peace with yourself and 'jj' instead of just punishing yourself.

How you could have sided with Benji and said something so cruel when your hubby hit him is beyond me.

I wasn't siding with Benji at the wedding at all. While I've never been a saint I've never as much as kissed another guy while in a relationship let alone cheated and what I had done was such a big shock to me that I could barely think straight and all I was focusing on that day was keeping the peace at the wedding to make it the best day possible for my best friend.

I feel like pond scum for what I said to JJ and had it been at any other venue I probably would've wanted to strangle Benji myself for what he said even though what happened was as much my fault as Benji if not more since I knew what he was like.I was just so very stressed out trying not to think about the fact that my marriage may be over on my best friend's wedding day and I couldn't regret what I said more.

Quote from: kensington on Mon Oct 13, 2008 - 14:49:42
The night I confessed he booked himself into a hotel because he needed time to think. Two days after I confessed was my best friends wedding at which I was the maid of honor. Benji, who was the groom's cousin and had gotten wasted, eventually got sick of my ignoring him. He yelled at me during the first dance, JJ punched him, and I yelled out that JJ was just like his father.

Actually, you and Benji are like his father... from where I sit. 

I never meant to hurt him.It was a horrible mistake that I wish more than anything I could take back.

OK...quit defending yourself and find a counselor.

You apparently feel bad enough already; time to get to work.

Quote from: bellabrianna on Mon Oct 13, 2008 - 21:36:35

Quote from: kensington on Mon Oct 13, 2008 - 14:49:42
The night I confessed he booked himself into a hotel because he needed time to think. Two days after I confessed was my best friends wedding at which I was the maid of honor. Benji, who was the groom's cousin and had gotten wasted, eventually got sick of my ignoring him. He yelled at me during the first dance, JJ punched him, and I yelled out that JJ was just like his father.

Actually, you and Benji are like his father... from where I sit. 

I never meant to hurt him.It was a horrible mistake that I wish more than anything I could take back.

No... it was SIN... the WHOLE thing was SIN....  that seems to be the one point you are missing in all of this.  Jesus did not go to the cross beaten and naked to die for our mistakes... He called them SIN. 

You cannot get anywhere at all until you see that.  "Mistakes' is not the answer.  You have not made a mistake towards your husband, you sinned against him.  And He has biblical grounds for divorce.  And that would be reaping what you sow should it happen. 

Lets be frank... this is the year 2008 and you are 27 years old.  I don't think you understand repentance at all.  Repentant people do a lot of things, but yelling at the injured one is not on the list. 

Agreed, Kensington, but at the same time we can not condemn. I would not blame her for putting her concerns for her husband first in her mind before thinking about jesus.

I really think it is time you went to counselling as Roberson said

This is a tough situation. After an affair, the person who cheated basically can't be choosy of what the other needs to be able to trust again. He might need to know where you are at all times. He might not want you talking to any guys at all. Normally, this might be a little obsessive and unhealthy. But while he's rebuilding trust and needing to feel some security, you should do whatever he asks cheerfully. He may need that for 1 week, 1 year or 1 decade. Who can blame him?

If you truly love him as I'm sure you do, you'll help him trust you again. Rebuilding trust is a hard thing and is likely more so for him based on the life he has lived. Mourn your sin, ask for forgiveness from God as you have from JJ. Mope a little. Then move on and "sin no more" as Jesus said.

God loves you and knows everyone falls in different ways. I highly recommend you take a look at http://www.marriagesaver.com/lovepath911.php

I pray God's blessings on your marriage for the future.

Quote from: Howdyboyalan on Tue Oct 14, 2008 - 06:32:40
Agreed, Kensington, but at the same time we can not condemn. I would not blame her for putting her concerns for her husband first in her mind before thinking about jesus.

I really think it is time you went to counselling as Roberson said

I do condemn her actions as SIN... for that is what they are.  Holding her hand and telling her to go to counseling for her mistakes is not helping her one bit.  She needs to understand to repent means to change, and to seek forgiveness of SIN is to find salvation.  In my opinion... saving her marriage is not the issue...  getting saved is.  Repenting of backsliding is.  Taking this to to the cross is.  And at what point did she put the concerns of her husband first?  I have not seen that yet. 

BB....ignore the chit chat between other members and find a counselor.

Why do Christians run to tell people to "go to counseling"?   Especially, when the WORD of God is there, the saving grace of Jesus Christ is at hand? It's the same ole' song for every situation... 

Everyone is lining up for counseling, and no one is reading a Bible, going to a prayer meeting to seek deliverance, or confronting sin. 

No one confronts sin any more, or tells anyone there is such a thing as repentance and seeking the face of God for your life... just run to counseling and get fixed.  Ugh...  Jesus must weep. 

As long as someone feels bad, we consider that repentance?  Ummm... No... Judas felt bad, bad enough to return the money, and cry before he killed himself. But the word NEVER said he repented.  Something to think about.

BTW... it's not just chit chat... I would take this just as seriously if it was my own 27 year old...   

An open Rebuke is better than a secret love. (Proverbs 27:5).  That is, If you care about the soul and eternity rather than the "Feel better now".  "It is better to hear the rebuke of the wise, than for a man to hear the song of fools."  Ecclesiastes 7:5

Kensington, during emotional crisis like this it is important people get all the help they need. Poring over scripture for hours and going to church is not really doing anything to directly help a marriage.

If someone cheated on me, then they just started going over the bible again and again, I would feel like they were more worried about their own guilt than the state of the relationship. It isn't always about just finding peace with god. To find peace with god, one must find peace with the people you have sinned against. Ofcourse she should be reading the bible, but that does not mean she should give up doing everything else to do that.

Proverbs 15:1

A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.

love,

Sopranette

Quote from: Howdyboyalan on Wed Oct 15, 2008 - 04:54:18
Kensington, during emotional crisis like this it is important people get all the help they need. Poring over scripture for hours and going to church is not really doing anything to directly help a marriage.

If someone cheated on me, then they just started going over the bible again and again, I would feel like they were more worried about their own guilt than the state of the relationship. It isn't always about just finding peace with god. To find peace with god, one must find peace with the people you have sinned against. Ofcourse she should be reading the bible, but that does not mean she should give up doing everything else to do that.

But, until you get to the root of the problem... which is SIN... and repentance for that sin... you are just in counseling.  There is no healing, no forgiveness of sins, no deliverance.  They can medicate you and talk to you, but you are still in your sin. 

Until you deal with the sin...  moving on is going to be a moot point. 

Sopranette...  The word of GOD is truth, and life... it is not a harsh word.  It can heal you and set you free.  Counseling might help her to deal with her issues, to push them down and to be able to live with them.. But, it won't help her be forgiven by GOD or set free.  She is not a baby.  I guess I could post all the scriptures on sin now...  to prove my point.

Kensington... A counselor will help her to see what she needs to do.

Also the Bible says:

Hebrews 13:4 Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.

It also says that if we confess your sins, He is faithful.. to forgive and cleanse... us from ALL unrighteousness.

She has confessed.  It's God's place (and her husband's) to judge whether she has repented or not.  (not yours)

BTW, Admin is right.  It can take a decade to rebuild trust after something like this.

Quote from: kensington on Wed Oct 15, 2008 - 02:27:06
Why do Christians run to tell people to "go to counseling"?   Especially, when the WORD of God is there, the saving grace of Jesus Christ is at hand? It's the same ole' song for every situation... 

Everyone is lining up for counseling, and no one is reading a Bible, going to a prayer meeting to seek deliverance, or confronting sin. 

No one confronts sin any more, or tells anyone there is such a thing as repentance and seeking the face of God for your life... just run to counseling and get fixed.  Ugh...  Jesus must weep. 

As long as someone feels bad, we consider that repentance?  Ummm... No... Judas felt bad, bad enough to return the money, and cry before he killed himself. But the word NEVER said he repented.  Something to think about.

BTW... it's not just chit chat... I would take this just as seriously if it was my own 27 year old...  

An open Rebuke is better than a secret love. (Proverbs 27:5).  That is, If you care about the soul and eternity rather than the "Feel better now".  "It is better to hear the rebuke of the wise, than for a man to hear the song of fools."  Ecclesiastes 7:5

Just read the Bible and do what it says. Sounds easy enough, doesn't it?

Unfortunately, us humans often times get rather hurt emotionally, develop fears, and build world views that are counter productive.

A counselor becomes a third person, much like, only with better training, your next door neighbor. You could get some pretty good advice from her, or your bartender for that matter, but you should be careful with what they tell you since they generally don't have the types of boundaries necessary to keep from living your life for you. The counselor on the other hand can help you see both your situation and Scripture from a more objective stand point, and therefore, can help clarify what the real issues are.

Actually, the KJV says "he repented himself," when speaking of Judas, but that's another discussion.

Whether it is sin or not, at this point, is irrelevant. What we need to do is help heal, and screaming sin! sin! isn't going to help. Especially when the person already feels as bad as she does. It isn't as though she's done these things and wants to brag about partying with her friends last night. Feeling bad and asking "what am I supposed to do to fix this," indicates repentance in my book; maybe not in yours.

The chit chat has to do with board members arguing about sin - or not, and what they would do. Since that discussion has little to do with that the person needs to be doing and will likely only confuse her and take up her time, she should probably let us argue among ourselves and she needs to find a counselor. So yes, chit chat.

Quote from: HRoberson on Mon Oct 13, 2008 - 14:51:28

The simple and unfortunate answer to your question is, you can't make it right if, by "making it right" you mean making it not ever have happened.

You have likely severely demeaned your husband twice within two days in ways that have struck deeply into his heart. There's probably no getting around that, and you're going to have to simply wait it out.

You will need to understand that in your world, what you've done has been done - it's over; there's nothing you can do about either, except to say you're sorry.

Unfortunately, your husband's world has been shaken to its core and he won't be able to say it's over. Depending on his personality, he may simply get angry from time to time for no apparent reason - or he may sulk, or seemed withdrawn and detached. That will be because the thoughts will return to him but he knows he can't - and you can't - do anything about what has happened. Or, as sometimes happens, your husband may want to make sure you hurt as much as he does and he may do things for the purpose of hurting you (not physically, but emotionally). Many folks who have been hurt in these ways by people close to them want their partners to know how deeply they feel the hurt. Unfortunately, that is an agenda that won't give them much satisfaction.

Your husband may think you're dirty; may not be able to believe that you actually love him if you'd jump into bed with one of his best friends - because you're vulnerable. He may have thoughts like, and say things like "It isn't like he's never been vulnerable, and he didn't jump in bed with someone convenient." Many men understand that women accept them through sex and so your husband may not trust that you accept him, that you love him - for all he knows, you're thinking about the other guy when having sex with him - at least he may well think that. As for telling him that he's like his father, that may well make your husband think twice about what you really think about him - it's bad enough that he has protected himself from that for these many years. To have the woman who cheated on him defend the guy that she slept with probably will only make him more angry and more withdrawn.

Great response HRoberson...As a person who has been through the same thing, you nailed it..Even though my ex-wife had the affair (and was pregnant from the affair), she expected everything to be peachy because she said she was sorry...She could not understand that I needed time...It took me about 2 years to really move past it...Physical intimacy was VERY hard for a while..It took me some time..I too, thought she was nasty/dirty...But we made it through with the Lord's help...But in the end, she did it again and again and finally left the marriage chasing one of her "lovers"...

You are right..She needs counseling...Kensington is also right..She must accept what she did was wrong..Which it appears she has...All in all, great post and great advice...

Quote from: HRoberson on Wed Oct 15, 2008 - 00:26:07
BB....ignore the chit chat between other members and find a counselor.

Amen.

Looks to me like she placed a LOT of trust in her husband when she went to him and TOLD HIM what she'd done.  She allowed HIM to see that she's human, she screwed up, and she's sorry.  I almost wonder: did her remark about his dad possibly stem from the fact that JJ didn't immediately -respect- her showing her trust in him to tell him about this, and tell her, "Yes, I need time to think, but no, I'm not leaving you."ConfusedConfused  Perhaps SHE was the one who felt struck in the face when she didn't find reassurance from HER OWN HUSBAND that she wasn't going to get left out in the cold for this.  And perhaps it was also the shock of seeing him throw a punch at his best friend - perhaps she saw a side of him that cause her to feel threatened because she too has been in a close relationship with JJ.

I'd say HE put a lot of trust in her when he married her, He kept his vows and she did not.  You are right, she hasn't told us of her life, she barred his life to us. 

As to what shoes I have walked in...  I know and God knows and I have my reasons for saying what I have said.  I don't change it or take it back.  She may have to reap this... and that is a fact. I agree, she needs to humble herself and tell him she will respect his decisions... the choices are all his now.  She gave up the right to claim any choices in this. That is just how it is.  She is going to have to Love him enough to let him choose. And to let him walk it out.  His walking it out... may be her undoing, for he may find in walking it out, He is done.