Christian Forums

Quote from: Corbley on Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 10:04:35

Quote from: His Princess on Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 10:01:08

Quote from: Corbley on Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 09:58:33

Quote from: 806jjbz on Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 09:50:45
Ok, I have been reading all the posts on all the boards I am on, I want to try something and see if it has any effect. I want everyones opinion..

I would like to just simply stop doing the physical stuff that she has become acustomed to, such as the bedtime backrubs, feet rubs, etc etc, I think I should just simply start turning her down for the same "reasons" as she turns me down, (too tired, etc) I dont want to be mean or anything, just kind of phase it out and see if rejecting her physical needs has any effect.

What does everyone think?

I am no expert, but it doesnt sound like a good plan.....I would suggest the opposite.....Turn it UP!  And expect nothing in return. If she loves you, she will want to fulfill your needs as well.....Go out of your way to make her feel secure and show her your love by turning it up....Give her more backrubs, make her a dinner and do the dishes, buy her something nice....spoil her,   Eventually, she will feel guilty and WANT to do something for you.

Your way, could potentially backfire, and cause her to seek her needs elsewhere.

Oh, come on.  He's already been doing all that.  Did you read his description of an evening at home after work??  What more could he possibly do?

She needs to worry that HER neglect will cause him to seek his needs elsewhere.  I don't think he has been neglecting her needs at all.

Stop worrying about his needs being fulfilled and focus on the root of the problem.....Do not make it worse by taking away something she may enjoy.....Because, she will find what she needs

What, she'll go find someone else to rub her back at night?

Quote from: His Princess on Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 10:05:46

Quote from: Corbley on Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 10:04:35

Quote from: His Princess on Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 10:01:08

Quote from: Corbley on Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 09:58:33

Quote from: 806jjbz on Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 09:50:45
Ok, I have been reading all the posts on all the boards I am on, I want to try something and see if it has any effect. I want everyones opinion..

I would like to just simply stop doing the physical stuff that she has become acustomed to, such as the bedtime backrubs, feet rubs, etc etc, I think I should just simply start turning her down for the same "reasons" as she turns me down, (too tired, etc) I dont want to be mean or anything, just kind of phase it out and see if rejecting her physical needs has any effect.

What does everyone think?

I am no expert, but it doesnt sound like a good plan.....I would suggest the opposite.....Turn it UP!  And expect nothing in return. If she loves you, she will want to fulfill your needs as well.....Go out of your way to make her feel secure and show her your love by turning it up....Give her more backrubs, make her a dinner and do the dishes, buy her something nice....spoil her,   Eventually, she will feel guilty and WANT to do something for you.

Your way, could potentially backfire, and cause her to seek her needs elsewhere.

Oh, come on.  He's already been doing all that.  Did you read his description of an evening at home after work??  What more could he possibly do?

She needs to worry that HER neglect will cause him to seek his needs elsewhere.  I don't think he has been neglecting her needs at all.

Stop worrying about his needs being fulfilled and focus on the root of the problem.....Do not make it worse by taking away something she may enjoy.....Because, she will find what she needs

What, she'll go find someone else to rub her back at night?

If that is what she needs,.....But from the sounds of it, she is lacking more than a back rub.....If she had her needs fulfilled, she would be wanting to please him.....If her needs are not met, then she will not give him what he needs.

Quote from: Corbley on Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 10:16:00

Quote from: His Princess on Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 10:05:46

Quote from: Corbley on Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 10:04:35

Quote from: His Princess on Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 10:01:08

Quote from: Corbley on Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 09:58:33

Quote from: 806jjbz on Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 09:50:45
Ok, I have been reading all the posts on all the boards I am on, I want to try something and see if it has any effect. I want everyones opinion..

I would like to just simply stop doing the physical stuff that she has become acustomed to, such as the bedtime backrubs, feet rubs, etc etc, I think I should just simply start turning her down for the same "reasons" as she turns me down, (too tired, etc) I dont want to be mean or anything, just kind of phase it out and see if rejecting her physical needs has any effect.

What does everyone think?

I am no expert, but it doesnt sound like a good plan.....I would suggest the opposite.....Turn it UP!  And expect nothing in return. If she loves you, she will want to fulfill your needs as well.....Go out of your way to make her feel secure and show her your love by turning it up....Give her more backrubs, make her a dinner and do the dishes, buy her something nice....spoil her,   Eventually, she will feel guilty and WANT to do something for you.

Your way, could potentially backfire, and cause her to seek her needs elsewhere.

Oh, come on.  He's already been doing all that.  Did you read his description of an evening at home after work??  What more could he possibly do?

She needs to worry that HER neglect will cause him to seek his needs elsewhere.  I don't think he has been neglecting her needs at all.

Stop worrying about his needs being fulfilled and focus on the root of the problem.....Do not make it worse by taking away something she may enjoy.....Because, she will find what she needs

What, she'll go find someone else to rub her back at night?

If that is what she needs,.....But from the sounds of it, she is lacking more than a back rub.....If she had her needs fulfilled, she would be wanting to please him.....If her needs are not met, then she will not give him what he needs.

My husband, as well as chosenone's husband, AND many, many other couples and men my husband and I have talked with, were previously married to women like this.  Ya gotta believe me when I say, these men all bent over backwards doing EVERYTHING and more to make these women happy.  They're just takers and they have no conscience whatsoever in ignoring their husbands or giving a speck of anything back to them.     

Quote from: Corbley on Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 10:16:00

Quote from: His Princess on Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 10:05:46

Quote from: Corbley on Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 10:04:35

Quote from: His Princess on Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 10:01:08

Quote from: Corbley on Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 09:58:33

Quote from: 806jjbz on Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 09:50:45
Ok, I have been reading all the posts on all the boards I am on, I want to try something and see if it has any effect. I want everyones opinion..

I would like to just simply stop doing the physical stuff that she has become acustomed to, such as the bedtime backrubs, feet rubs, etc etc, I think I should just simply start turning her down for the same "reasons" as she turns me down, (too tired, etc) I dont want to be mean or anything, just kind of phase it out and see if rejecting her physical needs has any effect.

What does everyone think?

I am no expert, but it doesnt sound like a good plan.....I would suggest the opposite.....Turn it UP!  And expect nothing in return. If she loves you, she will want to fulfill your needs as well.....Go out of your way to make her feel secure and show her your love by turning it up....Give her more backrubs, make her a dinner and do the dishes, buy her something nice....spoil her,   Eventually, she will feel guilty and WANT to do something for you.

Your way, could potentially backfire, and cause her to seek her needs elsewhere.

Oh, come on.  He's already been doing all that.  Did you read his description of an evening at home after work??  What more could he possibly do?

She needs to worry that HER neglect will cause him to seek his needs elsewhere.  I don't think he has been neglecting her needs at all.

Stop worrying about his needs being fulfilled and focus on the root of the problem.....Do not make it worse by taking away something she may enjoy.....Because, she will find what she needs

What, she'll go find someone else to rub her back at night?

If that is what she needs,.....But from the sounds of it, she is lacking more than a back rub.....If she had her needs fulfilled, she would be wanting to please him.....If her needs are not met, then she will not give him what he needs.

Believe me, you can never do enough for some people. it will NEVER be enough no matter what you do. If you have read this mans posts you will see what he is doing. he is bending over backwards to please her, doing far more than most husbands would in his position. He is meeting her physical needs such as a back rub and foot massage etc he is doing loads around the house and with the children, but she isnt meeting HIS needs.
To say that she isnt getting her needs met is putting all the blame on him and none of the responsibilty on her. She sounds very selfish and self centred. As long as he does all these things for her, she will never have to change.

However 806jjbz, it may not work as if my husband has done this with his ex, she would only have taken it as more proof that he isnt 'good enough' and isnt meeting 'her' needs. That was all she cared about, having her needs met, and it never changed in 23 years.
Sorry to sound downbeat but that is the way it was. She was a very hugh maintenance lady, and he is very easy to please so he was taken advantage of and it still makes me mad, as she convined everyone that she divorced him because of HIS failures, even though she went and had an affair eventually. I AM working on forgiving her by the way. please pray for me

Is there a Christian guy maybe at church that you could meet with who could give some advice and maybe pray with you about this? Or maybe a Christian couple who you could both go to?
Unfortunately unless she is able to see how selfish she is being, she will never see the need to change anything.


My husband and I have  just done the marriage course, which is similar to the alpha course but for married couples. it was very good and it may help if you could find one in your area. It covers lots of things including ther sex part, and communication and forgiveness etc.
if you look up on google, type in the marriage course, and it will enable you to see if there is one in your area.

Quote from: Corbley on Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 10:16:00

Quote from: His Princess on Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 10:05:46

Quote from: Corbley on Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 10:04:35

Quote from: His Princess on Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 10:01:08

Quote from: Corbley on Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 09:58:33

Quote from: 806jjbz on Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 09:50:45
Ok, I have been reading all the posts on all the boards I am on, I want to try something and see if it has any effect. I want everyones opinion..

I would like to just simply stop doing the physical stuff that she has become acustomed to, such as the bedtime backrubs, feet rubs, etc etc, I think I should just simply start turning her down for the same "reasons" as she turns me down, (too tired, etc) I dont want to be mean or anything, just kind of phase it out and see if rejecting her physical needs has any effect.

What does everyone think?

I am no expert, but it doesnt sound like a good plan.....I would suggest the opposite.....Turn it UP!  And expect nothing in return. If she loves you, she will want to fulfill your needs as well.....Go out of your way to make her feel secure and show her your love by turning it up....Give her more backrubs, make her a dinner and do the dishes, buy her something nice....spoil her,   Eventually, she will feel guilty and WANT to do something for you.

Your way, could potentially backfire, and cause her to seek her needs elsewhere.

Oh, come on.  He's already been doing all that.  Did you read his description of an evening at home after work??  What more could he possibly do?

She needs to worry that HER neglect will cause him to seek his needs elsewhere.  I don't think he has been neglecting her needs at all.

Stop worrying about his needs being fulfilled and focus on the root of the problem.....Do not make it worse by taking away something she may enjoy.....Because, she will find what she needs

What, she'll go find someone else to rub her back at night?

If that is what she needs,.....But from the sounds of it, she is lacking more than a back rub.....If she had her needs fulfilled, she would be wanting to please him.....If her needs are not met, then she will not give him what he needs.

Ok Ok, Corbley and Princess no fighting...lol

Corbley, I have to agree with Princess, I have been giving her everything she has ever told me she wanted, because believe me, I have asked what it is that she wants many many times in our relationship, I am meeting those needs as best I possibly can, it does no good because she feels like all the things I do are things im "supposed to do anyway"  (her exact words). So in short, the more I "turn it up" the more turned off she becomes because in my opinion, it makes me seem smothering and needy, and I know for a fact that women do not respond to that. I do spoil her with the little things I do, and she most certainly doesnt feel any "guilt" about our sex life, she still just thinks my "issues" are ridiculous and she tells me so anytime it comes up. She simply does NOT see a problem because its just NOT important to her, thus, it does nothing but make her frustrated for me to even bring it up....anytime I try to have a "sex" talk she immediately goes on the defensive, so the conversation has already gone bad before it even starts, then she just proceeds to make me feel somehow wrong for wanting my own wife in a sexual way, she has an uncanny ability to take any given subject and make me feel like im the one who's wrong...that is really frustrating too. The way she ends any discussion of sex even before it starts is this; she just simply says, "well if your not happy, maybe i should just take the kids and leave" (exact quote).

That quote is THE reason I stay, and boy it works everytime...she knows how much I love my kids and she knows that I will put in another 15 years or so with her in the exact state our marriage is in now until they are out of the house...she KNOWS I will out of my love for them, so wheres the incentive for her to change??

Side note, last nights "backrub"
she: "will you rub my back?"

me: "I will if you'll rub my back afterwards"

She: *sigh* " I though you just wanted to rub my back to be nice"

me: " I do, but I would like one tonight too"

She:  "*ughh-sigh" "nevermind then, I dont want to feel like I "owe" you anything"


we both went to sleep....

.....what a beautiful marriage...

That's really disturbing.  Couldn't you have joint custody of the kids or something?

Quote from: 806jjbz on Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 09:50:45
Ok, I have been reading all the posts on all the boards I am on, I want to try something and see if it has any effect. I want everyones opinion..

I would like to just simply stop doing the physical stuff that she has become acustomed to, such as the bedtime backrubs, feet rubs, etc etc, I think I should just simply start turning her down for the same "reasons" as she turns me down, (too tired, etc) I dont want to be mean or anything, just kind of phase it out and see if rejecting her physical needs has any effect.

What does everyone think?

Personally, I think that's a really bad idea.  That could be the beginning of a Cold War in your own marriage, where sex is the currency used to reward or punish.  But really, I'm no profesional, and that's what the two of you really need.

love,

Sopranette

Quote from: His Princess on Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 13:37:42
That's really disturbing.  Couldn't you have joint custody of the kids or something?

See, theres the problem, I will not be without my kids, and I do not want to deny her of the kids either....so were stuck...

Quote from: 806jjbz on Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 13:26:23

Quote from: Corbley on Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 10:16:00

Quote from: His Princess on Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 10:05:46

Quote from: Corbley on Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 10:04:35

Quote from: His Princess on Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 10:01:08

Quote from: Corbley on Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 09:58:33

Quote from: 806jjbz on Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 09:50:45
Ok, I have been reading all the posts on all the boards I am on, I want to try something and see if it has any effect. I want everyones opinion..

I would like to just simply stop doing the physical stuff that she has become acustomed to, such as the bedtime backrubs, feet rubs, etc etc, I think I should just simply start turning her down for the same "reasons" as she turns me down, (too tired, etc) I dont want to be mean or anything, just kind of phase it out and see if rejecting her physical needs has any effect.

What does everyone think?

I am no expert, but it doesnt sound like a good plan.....I would suggest the opposite.....Turn it UP!  And expect nothing in return. If she loves you, she will want to fulfill your needs as well.....Go out of your way to make her feel secure and show her your love by turning it up....Give her more backrubs, make her a dinner and do the dishes, buy her something nice....spoil her,   Eventually, she will feel guilty and WANT to do something for you.

Your way, could potentially backfire, and cause her to seek her needs elsewhere.

Oh, come on.  He's already been doing all that.  Did you read his description of an evening at home after work??  What more could he possibly do?

She needs to worry that HER neglect will cause him to seek his needs elsewhere.  I don't think he has been neglecting her needs at all.

Stop worrying about his needs being fulfilled and focus on the root of the problem.....Do not make it worse by taking away something she may enjoy.....Because, she will find what she needs

What, she'll go find someone else to rub her back at night?

If that is what she needs,.....But from the sounds of it, she is lacking more than a back rub.....If she had her needs fulfilled, she would be wanting to please him.....If her needs are not met, then she will not give him what he needs.

Side note, last nights "backrub"
she: "will you rub my back?"

me: "I will if you'll rub my back afterwards"

She: *sigh* " I though you just wanted to rub my back to be nice"

me: " I do, but I would like one tonight too"

She:  "*ughh-sigh" "nevermind then, I dont want to feel like I "owe" you anything"


we both went to sleep....

.....what a beautiful marriage...

Exactly my point...........She doesn't care about the dang backrub.........She wants your adoration for her and appreciation for what she does......And men can only think physical contact to give her what she needs.....Think past your male mentality and give her what she needs....It is not a Back rub or a foot massage............She is missplaced something in her heart for you and you have to figure it out......It is not about how many backrubs you give or receive.........

Quote from: 806jjbz on Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 13:47:09

Quote from: His Princess on Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 13:37:42
That's really disturbing.  Couldn't you have joint custody of the kids or something?

See, theres the problem, I will not be without my kids, and I do not want to deny her of the kids either....so were stuck...

You could live nearby each other.  Anyway, if that's not an option, can you talk to your pastor, tell him the whole deal, and have him or a godly, older woman at your church talk with her?  Other than that and what you've already said, I can't think of anything else to try.  You said she's usually reading a Christian book at night, maybe someone could give her a book that helps wives understand their husbands better and treat them better.

Quote from: Corbley on Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 13:52:48

Quote from: 806jjbz on Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 13:26:23

Quote from: Corbley on Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 10:16:00

Quote from: His Princess on Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 10:05:46

Quote from: Corbley on Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 10:04:35

Quote from: His Princess on Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 10:01:08

Quote from: Corbley on Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 09:58:33

Quote from: 806jjbz on Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 09:50:45
Ok, I have been reading all the posts on all the boards I am on, I want to try something and see if it has any effect. I want everyones opinion..

I would like to just simply stop doing the physical stuff that she has become acustomed to, such as the bedtime backrubs, feet rubs, etc etc, I think I should just simply start turning her down for the same "reasons" as she turns me down, (too tired, etc) I dont want to be mean or anything, just kind of phase it out and see if rejecting her physical needs has any effect.

What does everyone think?

I am no expert, but it doesnt sound like a good plan.....I would suggest the opposite.....Turn it UP!  And expect nothing in return. If she loves you, she will want to fulfill your needs as well.....Go out of your way to make her feel secure and show her your love by turning it up....Give her more backrubs, make her a dinner and do the dishes, buy her something nice....spoil her,   Eventually, she will feel guilty and WANT to do something for you.

Your way, could potentially backfire, and cause her to seek her needs elsewhere.

Oh, come on.  He's already been doing all that.  Did you read his description of an evening at home after work??  What more could he possibly do?

She needs to worry that HER neglect will cause him to seek his needs elsewhere.  I don't think he has been neglecting her needs at all.

Stop worrying about his needs being fulfilled and focus on the root of the problem.....Do not make it worse by taking away something she may enjoy.....Because, she will find what she needs

What, she'll go find someone else to rub her back at night?

If that is what she needs,.....But from the sounds of it, she is lacking more than a back rub.....If she had her needs fulfilled, she would be wanting to please him.....If her needs are not met, then she will not give him what he needs.

Side note, last nights "backrub"
she: "will you rub my back?"

me: "I will if you'll rub my back afterwards"

She: *sigh* " I though you just wanted to rub my back to be nice"

me: " I do, but I would like one tonight too"

She:  "*ughh-sigh" "nevermind then, I dont want to feel like I "owe" you anything"


we both went to sleep....

.....what a beautiful marriage...

Exactly my point...........She doesn't care about the dang backrub.........She wants your adoration for her and appreciation for what she does......And men can only think physical contact to give her what she needs.....Think past your male mentality and give her what she needs....It is not a Back rub or a foot massage............She is missplaced something in her heart for you and you have to figure it out......It is not about how many backrubs you give or receive.........

In my opinion, it won't matter.  She won't change because she knows she's "got him".  Although why someone would want to treat someone they're supposed to love like that is beyond me.

Quote from: Corbley on Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 13:52:48

Quote from: 806jjbz on Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 13:26:23

Quote from: Corbley on Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 10:16:00

Quote from: His Princess on Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 10:05:46

Quote from: Corbley on Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 10:04:35

Quote from: His Princess on Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 10:01:08

Quote from: Corbley on Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 09:58:33

Quote from: 806jjbz on Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 09:50:45
Ok, I have been reading all the posts on all the boards I am on, I want to try something and see if it has any effect. I want everyones opinion..

I would like to just simply stop doing the physical stuff that she has become acustomed to, such as the bedtime backrubs, feet rubs, etc etc, I think I should just simply start turning her down for the same "reasons" as she turns me down, (too tired, etc) I dont want to be mean or anything, just kind of phase it out and see if rejecting her physical needs has any effect.

What does everyone think?

I am no expert, but it doesnt sound like a good plan.....I would suggest the opposite.....Turn it UP!  And expect nothing in return. If she loves you, she will want to fulfill your needs as well.....Go out of your way to make her feel secure and show her your love by turning it up....Give her more backrubs, make her a dinner and do the dishes, buy her something nice....spoil her,   Eventually, she will feel guilty and WANT to do something for you.

Your way, could potentially backfire, and cause her to seek her needs elsewhere.

Oh, come on.  He's already been doing all that.  Did you read his description of an evening at home after work??  What more could he possibly do?

She needs to worry that HER neglect will cause him to seek his needs elsewhere.  I don't think he has been neglecting her needs at all.

Stop worrying about his needs being fulfilled and focus on the root of the problem.....Do not make it worse by taking away something she may enjoy.....Because, she will find what she needs

What, she'll go find someone else to rub her back at night?

If that is what she needs,.....But from the sounds of it, she is lacking more than a back rub.....If she had her needs fulfilled, she would be wanting to please him.....If her needs are not met, then she will not give him what he needs.

Side note, last nights "backrub"
she: "will you rub my back?"

me: "I will if you'll rub my back afterwards"

She: *sigh* " I though you just wanted to rub my back to be nice"

me: " I do, but I would like one tonight too"

She:  "*ughh-sigh" "nevermind then, I dont want to feel like I "owe" you anything"


we both went to sleep....

.....what a beautiful marriage...

Exactly my point...........She doesn't care about the dang backrub.........She wants your adoration for her and appreciation for what she does......And men can only think physical contact to give her what she needs.....Think past your male mentality and give her what she needs....It is not a Back rub or a foot massage............She is missplaced something in her heart for you and you have to figure it out......It is not about how many backrubs you give or receive.........

Corbley, your missing the point....

He's missing the point because he doesn't realize you've already done all that stuff, been down that road with her.

His advice is good for a normal situation, but not one where the wife just doesn't want to respond for any reason.

Quote from: 806jjbz on Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 13:57:39

Quote from: Corbley on Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 13:52:48

Quote from: 806jjbz on Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 13:26:23

Quote from: Corbley on Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 10:16:00

Quote from: His Princess on Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 10:05:46

Quote from: Corbley on Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 10:04:35

Quote from: His Princess on Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 10:01:08

Quote from: Corbley on Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 09:58:33

Quote from: 806jjbz on Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 09:50:45
Ok, I have been reading all the posts on all the boards I am on, I want to try something and see if it has any effect. I want everyones opinion..

I would like to just simply stop doing the physical stuff that she has become acustomed to, such as the bedtime backrubs, feet rubs, etc etc, I think I should just simply start turning her down for the same "reasons" as she turns me down, (too tired, etc) I dont want to be mean or anything, just kind of phase it out and see if rejecting her physical needs has any effect.

What does everyone think?

I am no expert, but it doesnt sound like a good plan.....I would suggest the opposite.....Turn it UP!  And expect nothing in return. If she loves you, she will want to fulfill your needs as well.....Go out of your way to make her feel secure and show her your love by turning it up....Give her more backrubs, make her a dinner and do the dishes, buy her something nice....spoil her,   Eventually, she will feel guilty and WANT to do something for you.

Your way, could potentially backfire, and cause her to seek her needs elsewhere.

Oh, come on.  He's already been doing all that.  Did you read his description of an evening at home after work??  What more could he possibly do?

She needs to worry that HER neglect will cause him to seek his needs elsewhere.  I don't think he has been neglecting her needs at all.

Stop worrying about his needs being fulfilled and focus on the root of the problem.....Do not make it worse by taking away something she may enjoy.....Because, she will find what she needs

What, she'll go find someone else to rub her back at night?

If that is what she needs,.....But from the sounds of it, she is lacking more than a back rub.....If she had her needs fulfilled, she would be wanting to please him.....If her needs are not met, then she will not give him what he needs.

Side note, last nights "backrub"
she: "will you rub my back?"

me: "I will if you'll rub my back afterwards"

She: *sigh* " I though you just wanted to rub my back to be nice"

me: " I do, but I would like one tonight too"

She:  "*ughh-sigh" "nevermind then, I dont want to feel like I "owe" you anything"


we both went to sleep....

.....what a beautiful marriage...

Exactly my point...........She doesn't care about the dang backrub.........She wants your adoration for her and appreciation for what she does......And men can only think physical contact to give her what she needs.....Think past your male mentality and give her what she needs....It is not a Back rub or a foot massage............She is missplaced something in her heart for you and you have to figure it out......It is not about how many backrubs you give or receive.........

Corbley, your missing the point....

Based on the words you are writing, I do not believe I am.   I hear that you are giving her what you THINK she needs......There is something deeper that is troubling her and giving her an extra massage will not discover what it is.........Have a glass of wine and have a deep intimate talk......With out physical contact (or you wanting sex)    Talk to your wife, not about your days events, but why you love her, how her eyes sparkle, you love it when she wears ?, you love the way she does,    Make her feel apprciated for more than just her body....
And I know you are trying to get there....but physical contact is not the way to do it.......

When you were dating, you just wanted to be with her...And you didn't care if you had sex on a given night.....Now she senses, that you know you are with her, and part of her DUTIES as a wife is to give you sex.....Sex has become a chore for her.....Make it something she wants to give you.............And massages are to intimate and leading....Try taking her to a theatre show she has never seen

Awww.....you sweetheart, Corbley.

love,

Sopranette

Corbley, as far as the back massages go, I think he was doing that because she asks him to.

Also, just a general question, why do some wives take it as like some sort of insult that their husband wants to have sex with them, or like it's something to be avoided.  What is up with that?  I JUST DON'T GET THAT!!!

Quote from: His Princess on Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 14:33:58
Corbley, as far as the back massages go, I think he was doing that because she asks him to.

Also, just a general question, why do some wives take it as like some sort of insult that their husband wants to have sex with them, or like it's something to be avoided.  What is up with that?  I JUST DON'T GET THAT!!!

I agree His princess.
corbley
He askes her always what she needs. He does far over and above what most men would do. Have you ever considered the fact that she may be a selfish person? no more no less? The fact that whenever he tries to talk to her about his unhapiness, she threatens to leave with the kids is absolutely appalling, and cruel. it is manipuative and controlling. What a thing to say?? I just cant believe that. (although maybe I can because I know one or two people like that myself.)
Also if I remember rightly he said earlier that it isnt just sex that he would like but just some normal affection, maybe such as a cuddle or maybe even a back rub for himself for a change! She really is playing with fire. She has no appreciation of what she has and she had better start thinking seriously
;about the way she is acting.

Quote from: chosenone on Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 15:12:04

Quote from: His Princess on Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 14:33:58
Corbley, as far as the back massages go, I think he was doing that because she asks him to.

Also, just a general question, why do some wives take it as like some sort of insult that their husband wants to have sex with them, or like it's something to be avoided.  What is up with that?  I JUST DON'T GET THAT!!!

I agree His princess.
corbley
He askes her always what she needs. He does far over and above what most men would do. Have you ever considered the fact that she may be a selfish person? no more no less? The fact that whenever he tries to talk to her about his unhapiness, she threatens to leave with the kids is absolutely appalling, and cruel. it is manipuative and controlling. What a thing to say?? I just cant believe that. (although maybe I can because I know one or two people like that myself.)
Also if I remember rightly he said earlier that it isnt just sex that he would like but just some normal affection, maybe such as a cuddle or maybe even a back rub for himself for a change! She really is playing with fire. She has no appreciation of what she has and she had better start thinking seriously
;about the way she is acting.

Yea, and how come nobody ever talks anymore about  how the wife should be treating her husband and responding to him, respecting him, etc?  I never see that anywhere anymore.  I think feminism has entrenched itself into the church. 

Quote from: Corbley on Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 14:26:25

Quote from: 806jjbz on Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 13:57:39

Quote from: Corbley on Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 13:52:48

Quote from: 806jjbz on Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 13:26:23

Quote from: Corbley on Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 10:16:00

Quote from: His Princess on Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 10:05:46

Quote from: Corbley on Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 10:04:35

Quote from: His Princess on Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 10:01:08

Quote from: Corbley on Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 09:58:33

Quote from: 806jjbz on Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 09:50:45
Ok, I have been reading all the posts on all the boards I am on, I want to try something and see if it has any effect. I want everyones opinion..

I would like to just simply stop doing the physical stuff that she has become acustomed to, such as the bedtime backrubs, feet rubs, etc etc, I think I should just simply start turning her down for the same "reasons" as she turns me down, (too tired, etc) I dont want to be mean or anything, just kind of phase it out and see if rejecting her physical needs has any effect.

What does everyone think?

I am no expert, but it doesnt sound like a good plan.....I would suggest the opposite.....Turn it UP!  And expect nothing in return. If she loves you, she will want to fulfill your needs as well.....Go out of your way to make her feel secure and show her your love by turning it up....Give her more backrubs, make her a dinner and do the dishes, buy her something nice....spoil her,   Eventually, she will feel guilty and WANT to do something for you.

Your way, could potentially backfire, and cause her to seek her needs elsewhere.

Oh, come on.  He's already been doing all that.  Did you read his description of an evening at home after work??  What more could he possibly do?

She needs to worry that HER neglect will cause him to seek his needs elsewhere.  I don't think he has been neglecting her needs at all.

Stop worrying about his needs being fulfilled and focus on the root of the problem.....Do not make it worse by taking away something she may enjoy.....Because, she will find what she needs

What, she'll go find someone else to rub her back at night?

If that is what she needs,.....But from the sounds of it, she is lacking more than a back rub.....If she had her needs fulfilled, she would be wanting to please him.....If her needs are not met, then she will not give him what he needs.

Side note, last nights "backrub"
she: "will you rub my back?"

me: "I will if you'll rub my back afterwards"

She: *sigh* " I though you just wanted to rub my back to be nice"

me: " I do, but I would like one tonight too"

She:  "*ughh-sigh" "nevermind then, I dont want to feel like I "owe" you anything"


we both went to sleep....

.....what a beautiful marriage...

Exactly my point...........She doesn't care about the dang backrub.........She wants your adoration for her and appreciation for what she does......And men can only think physical contact to give her what she needs.....Think past your male mentality and give her what she needs....It is not a Back rub or a foot massage............She is missplaced something in her heart for you and you have to figure it out......It is not about how many backrubs you give or receive.........

Corbley, your missing the point....

Based on the words you are writing, I do not believe I am.   I hear that you are giving her what you THINK she needs......There is something deeper that is troubling her and giving her an extra massage will not discover what it is.........Have a glass of wine and have a deep intimate talk......With out physical contact (or you wanting sex)    Talk to your wife, not about your days events, but why you love her, how her eyes sparkle, you love it when she wears ?, you love the way she does,    Make her feel apprciated for more than just her body....
And I know you are trying to get there....but physical contact is not the way to do it.......

When you were dating, you just wanted to be with her...And you didn't care if you had sex on a given night.....Now she senses, that you know you are with her, and part of her DUTIES as a wife is to give you sex.....Sex has become a chore for her.....Make it something she wants to give you.............And massages are to intimate and leading....Try taking her to a theatre show she has never seen

Corbley, you are still missing the point, read my posts again... I do talk to her without physical contact, I do tell her how much I love her and why, I tell her constantly how attractive she is, etc, I do all the "date night" stuff, all with NO response.

You actually sound alot like her in your responses, the mere mention of sex seems to breed negativity, you make it sound like all I do is run around touching her sexualy at every opportunity, that simply isnt true, truth be told, its not the act of sex im after so much as it is the FEELING of having a wife that WANTS to be with me, kiss, hold hands, just hang out, go out and have fun, kiss, and yes desire me sexualy.etc...I get NONE of the non sexual stuff either. And the most telling thing she does which I have not mentioned is this; everytime she says "I love you" she averts her glance....she cannot maintain eye contact with me when she says those words..that is the most hurtful thing of all....

That's why I said Corbley's advice is good if we're talking about a normal marriage/couple here that really wants to work together.  The more you describe your wife, the more pessimistic I feel about all this for you.  Geez, what's her problem?  Do you think she'd be mad if somone from your church talked with her?

Quote from: His Princess on Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 15:14:03

Quote from: chosenone on Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 15:12:04

Quote from: His Princess on Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 14:33:58
Corbley, as far as the back massages go, I think he was doing that because she asks him to.

Also, just a general question, why do some wives take it as like some sort of insult that their husband wants to have sex with them, or like it's something to be avoided.  What is up with that?  I JUST DON'T GET THAT!!!

I agree His princess.
corbley
He askes her always what she needs. He does far over and above what most men would do. Have you ever considered the fact that she may be a selfish person? no more no less? The fact that whenever he tries to talk to her about his unhapiness, she threatens to leave with the kids is absolutely appalling, and cruel. it is manipuative and controlling. What a thing to say?? I just cant believe that. (although maybe I can because I know one or two people like that myself.)
Also if I remember rightly he said earlier that it isnt just sex that he would like but just some normal affection, maybe such as a cuddle or maybe even a back rub for himself for a change! She really is playing with fire. She has no appreciation of what she has and she had better start thinking seriously
;about the way she is acting.

Yea, and how come nobody ever talks anymore about  how the wife should be treating her husband and responding to him, respecting him, etc?  I never see that anywhere anymore.  I think feminism has entrenched itself into the church. 

I do think that women in particular have a big problem with being controlling and some do treat their husbands very badly. This is why i think God tells women to be in submission to their husbands because for many of us our natural inclination is to want to control.
This can get really bad and many women do usurp their husbands position in the family, and then they complain that their husbands arent being the head of the family. if you want that then dont take their position, and dont  use control to make your husband do what you want him to do.

This topic and this poor guys situation has made me quite angry. I feel that this lady is acting appallingly, and quite frankly I wonder if she actually loves this man. if she does why is she constantly threatening to leave him for no reason. That is SO CONTROLLING
She is saying "If you talk to me about your unhappiness I will threaten to leave, so that will stop you." Woh, that is AWFUL  She really needs to speak to someone who will tell her a few home truths and tell her what The Bible says and what may happen if she doesnt change her ways.

I agree 100% chosenone with EVERYTHING you said.

It's making me mad, too.

Quote from: His Princess on Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 15:32:49
That's why I said Corbley's advice is good if we're talking about a normal marriage/couple here that really wants to work together.  The more you describe your wife, the more pessimistic I feel about all this for you.  Geez, what's her problem?  Do you think she'd be mad if somone from your church talked with her?

Well, she has agreed to go to marriage counseling at our church, but I think shes doing it expecting to hear that shes right and theres nothing wrong with our marriage. shes going to go in there and fully expect everyone to side with her. Thats the only reason she even agreed to go.
I guarantee she wont want to go anymore the second it is suggested that MY needs arent being met in the sexual regard..

Problem is that we cant get in to see a counselor until January...

Quote from: 806jjbz on Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 15:45:42

Quote from: His Princess on Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 15:32:49
That's why I said Corbley's advice is good if we're talking about a normal marriage/couple here that really wants to work together.  The more you describe your wife, the more pessimistic I feel about all this for you.  Geez, what's her problem?  Do you think she'd be mad if somone from your church talked with her?

Well, she has agreed to go to marriage counseling at our church, but I think shes doing it expecting to hear that shes right and theres nothing wrong with our marriage. shes going to go in there and fully expect everyone to side with her. Thats the only reason she even agreed to go.
I guarantee she wont want to go anymore the second it is suggested that MY needs arent being met in the sexual regard..

Problem is that we cant get in to see a counselor until January...

Could your pastor refer you to another pastor in your town that could see you sooner?  Are there any qualified elders in your church that could do it?  Anybody?  Is there an older, godly man that you could personally speak with alone while you're waiting?  Are there any ladies Bible studies at your church that she would go to that would be helpful?  Would she be willing to read a book on the subject?

Quote from: His Princess on Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 15:48:12

Quote from: 806jjbz on Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 15:45:42

Quote from: His Princess on Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 15:32:49
That's why I said Corbley's advice is good if we're talking about a normal marriage/couple here that really wants to work together.  The more you describe your wife, the more pessimistic I feel about all this for you.  Geez, what's her problem?  Do you think she'd be mad if somone from your church talked with her?

Well, she has agreed to go to marriage counseling at our church, but I think shes doing it expecting to hear that shes right and theres nothing wrong with our marriage. shes going to go in there and fully expect everyone to side with her. Thats the only reason she even agreed to go.
I guarantee she wont want to go anymore the second it is suggested that MY needs arent being met in the sexual regard..

Problem is that we cant get in to see a counselor until January...

Could your pastor refer you to another pastor in your town that could see you sooner?  Are there any qualified elders in your church that could do it?  Anybody?  Is there an older, godly man that you could personally speak with alone while you're waiting?  Are there any ladies Bible studies at your church that she would go to that would be helpful?  Would she be willing to read a book on the subject?

I'm looking into another counselor, and yes we actually have a christian book titled "sacred sex" it talks about all the biblical reasoning for sex, how it is of God and it is encouraged within a marriage, but she read maybe a chapter sometime like..last year and just wasnt interested in finishing it because it talks about sex...again, whats the inspiration to finish a book that talks about something you just arent interested in?...

She cant finish it because to her the words God and Sex just dont fit together...

she also needs to read a book that will teach her about intimacy and what kinds of things a husband needs, and she also needs to read a book about the scriptural way to treat your husband and deal with all of these things.

How's it going today 806?  Any decisions on your part, or anything interesting happen last night??  (Aren't I the nosey one?!!)

Quote from: His Princess on Wed Nov 19, 2008 - 09:20:55
How's it going today 806?  Any decisions on your part, or anything interesting happen last night??  (Aren't I the nosey one?!!)

yeh you are his princess. ha ha

Quote from: chosenone on Wed Nov 19, 2008 - 09:58:25

Quote from: His Princess on Wed Nov 19, 2008 - 09:20:55
How's it going today 806?  Any decisions on your part, or anything interesting happen last night??  (Aren't I the nosey one?!!)

yeh you are his princess. ha ha

Yes, indeed!

Quote from: His Princess on Wed Nov 19, 2008 - 10:04:54

Quote from: chosenone on Wed Nov 19, 2008 - 09:58:25

Quote from: His Princess on Wed Nov 19, 2008 - 09:20:55
How's it going today 806?  Any decisions on your part, or anything interesting happen last night??  (Aren't I the nosey one?!!)

yeh you are his princess. ha ha

Yes, indeed!

you need to get out more 

Quote from: His Princess on Wed Nov 19, 2008 - 10:04:54

Quote from: chosenone on Wed Nov 19, 2008 - 09:58:25

Quote from: His Princess on Wed Nov 19, 2008 - 09:20:55
How's it going today 806?  Any decisions on your part, or anything interesting happen last night??  (Aren't I the nosey one?!!)

yeh you are his princess. ha ha

Yes, indeed!

No, nothing happened last night, her"monthly visitor" leaves today, so I obviously havent been pursuing much the last few days...

I do think I am going to suggest that we begin bible study on marriage while we look for a counselor we can get in to see, we both have those "track reading" study bibles. I think that might help to start the discussions because that "subject" ( marriage) in the bible includes all the scriptures about intimacy, physical touch, roles of a wife and husband, etc...

Good idea?

Quote from: 806jjbz on Wed Nov 19, 2008 - 10:54:32

Quote from: His Princess on Wed Nov 19, 2008 - 10:04:54

Quote from: chosenone on Wed Nov 19, 2008 - 09:58:25

Quote from: His Princess on Wed Nov 19, 2008 - 09:20:55
How's it going today 806?  Any decisions on your part, or anything interesting happen last night??  (Aren't I the nosey one?!!)

yeh you are his princess. ha ha

Yes, indeed!

No, nothing happened last night, her"monthly visitor" leaves today, so I obviously havent been pursuing much the last few days...

I do think I am going to suggest that we begin bible study on marriage while we look for a counselor we can get in to see, we both have those "track reading" study bibles. I think that might help to start the discussions because that "subject" ( marriage) in the bible includes all the scriptures about intimacy, physical touch, roles of a wife and husband, etc...

Good idea?

That's a very good idea.  Go for it!  I hope it helps.

Quote from: 806jjbz on Wed Nov 19, 2008 - 10:54:32

Quote from: His Princess on Wed Nov 19, 2008 - 10:04:54

Quote from: chosenone on Wed Nov 19, 2008 - 09:58:25

Quote from: His Princess on Wed Nov 19, 2008 - 09:20:55
How's it going today 806?  Any decisions on your part, or anything interesting happen last night??  (Aren't I the nosey one?!!)

yeh you are his princess. ha ha

Yes, indeed!

No, nothing happened last night, her"monthly visitor" leaves today, so I obviously havent been pursuing much the last few days...

I do think I am going to suggest that we begin bible study on marriage while we look for a counselor we can get in to see, we both have those "track reading" study bibles. I think that might help to start the discussions because that "subject" ( marriage) in the bible includes all the scriptures about intimacy, physical touch, roles of a wife and husband, etc...

Good idea?

It worth trying isnt it. Let us know if it helps.

I know I've been beating a dead horse here, but I think it still has something to do with the children and being a mom.  Before that there wasn't a problem. 

Quote from: w8ing4daybreak on Wed Nov 19, 2008 - 20:20:37
I know I've been beating a dead horse here, but I think it still has something to do with the children and being a mom.  Before that there wasn't a problem. 

w8ing4
Yes, having children does definately change us but it doesnt usually make us very selfish unless we already are underneath does it? This lady is acting in a very bad way. She threatens to leave and take the children away everytime he tries to speak to her about their problems in their marriage.That is cruel and very controlling and causes him to have to back away again and everything just stays the same (which is how she wants it of course).
I just hope that the children arent around when she says this. How will that make them feel?Very insecure and scared I would think. In my opinion she needs to think less about herself  and what SHE wants and more about her childrens feelings and her husbands feelings and needs.