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So I find out that my gf's ex has held her to keep their relationship to secrecy for the 4 years they dated. She says that she cried every night because she couldn't tell anyone.

...and after he dumped her, she felt "obligated" to pay him back for all the money he has spent on her. So she's been direct depositing some of her paychecks to him...even during our relationship. Let's just say I was very angry and told her to stop. Sad thing was...he's accepted this money and asked her for more when he was financially strapped.

I saw this relationship wrong on so many levels. He accidentally broke her laptop. She bought a new one...and gave it to him because she didn't like it. She went out and bought another laptop.

She refuses to see the pain and unhealthy actions that he has caused her and still thinks that this dude's an upright guy who can do nothing wrong, and still sees him as her "best friend" even after I told her that she needs to just forget about this bozo who can't support himself. What's worse is that this guy is a leader at very visible leader at his church. I keep telling her that a leader without accountability is NEVER good. She still thinks he's just a hair below Jesus...basically flawless. What can I do?

Are both of you men on the same plane? Does she treat you the same as he? It sounds like she is not letting go of her past relationship & almost feels guilt tripped into helping him out.

Pray about it, if you are still in the dating status then she can spend her money however she wants, but she should not be dragging him into your relationship. If he is perfect and a hair below Jesus, then what do you mean to her? This seems wrong on several levels...be cautious.

You are the man, called to be the leader, so lead. Give her an ultimatum to sever ties with her mysterious boyfriend of the past or move on and let God work with her. That would be my advice, don't burden yourself...especially when not married.

Quote from: fanuvmxpx on Fri Nov 14, 2008 - 16:05:16
Are both of you men on the same plane? Does she treat you the same as he? It sounds like she is not letting go of her past relationship & almost feels guilt tripped into helping him out.

Pray about it, if you are still in the dating status then she can spend her money however she wants, but she should not be dragging him into your relationship. If he is perfect and a hair below Jesus, then what do you mean to her? This seems wrong on several levels...be cautious.

You are the man, called to be the leader, so lead. Give her an ultimatum to sever ties with her mysterious boyfriend of the past or move on and let God work with her. That would be my advice, don't burden yourself...especially when not married.

Thanks for your response. She has strong signs of co-dependency that probably toughens the subject. Whenever I'm not around...her mind goes down a slippery slope. It eventually leads to "why did that other guy leave me?" And she often thinks and says to me "you deserve someone much better than me" or "i don't know why you chose me" or "you should really just leave me" and in almost the same breath "i can't wait until we're married". After six months of these types of things...I don't know how to respond to this anymore.

I can't figure out if that past relationship was the cause or effect of her character...

You're a new man giving her a new life. If she is going to follow you, she must put him behind. Only she can make that decision. Remember you are a Man of Christ, bought with a price. Do not let no man take your crown. You are a child of the King. You are there to make her life great, you have a gift in you. If she wants the best out of you, she has to let go. If she is willing to, You got to keep on moving until she is ready. She's got to be hungry for you. Keep on going no matter what. They say that self confidence is needed but I'm going to take it a step further, Place your confidence in Christ. Remember who's on your side, he'll never leave you nor forsake you. Let your light shine! 

Thanks for all your help. I think I'm going to have to call this one quits...at least take a break from our relationship. There are some issues in her life that need to be worked out between her and God. I truly believe that she needs to find her identity in Him which a relationship will not help. Right now, I am her world and identity. She does not have any Christian women around her that she could confide in, nor is she making any sustainable effort to seek female accountability. Whenever she finds someone in our fellowship that she could "connect" with, she says, "I don't have any time." We've fought and argues over these issues almost every night that we've been together. I've never been in a long relationship and I know fighting is good, but this is a bit unhealthy.

She is a really sweet girl. She loves Christ. She's spearheaded many ministries. She's breathed life into some that had none. In public, she's awesome! Everyone loves her...even my parents. But right now, we have plane tickets to see my parents during Thanksgiving, but I think that would complicate matters. I don't want my parents to get too attached at this moment.

She will put up a fight to try to change my mind. I need tons of prayer in how I'm going to proceed with this. I really don't want to break up with her, but a "break" would be good for us to figure things out. I feel terrible because she picked up and moved her life to be with me. My heart is heavy.

I, m also in a similar situation that you are in right now, The one book that has given me the strength threw all this is the Bible it self . A good website to look at and read would be
Link deleted per rule 3.3 - you must have 20 posts
It has great information, and will answer many of your questions.