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I'm what most people would consider a good husband. I care for my wife and child,  work hard and provide. I show them affection and try to consider their emotional needs.
But alot of the time I feel trapped. I miss being on my own and and only really happy when I am by myself or with my male friends. I want to be happily married, but I feel that my problems are escalating and will result in something bad.
I pray and seek guidence, but I never recieve any. God seems distant to me despite my efforts to seek him.

Anyone been in a similar situation or have any advice?

I don't know if I am a good one to answer this, I can only tell you what mistakes NOT to make. 

Marriage is all about serving, giving and supporting.  If both sides are doing this, it can be a very wonderful experiance, however, if it becomes one sided it can spirual out of control.
It is normally easier to hang out with you male friends, because there isn't any pressure there.  They are able to accept you as you are, support you and buy your lunch from time to time.  This is all fairly basic, but it are these things that make it fun to be around them. 
If your wife is making you feel like you don't do enough for her, be careful.  She may be right and you have to adjust your time and efforts in this area.  After all, when it is all said and done, you will be with her for the rest of your life!  You can not enter into marriage with the attitude of:  "If it doesn't work, we will get a divorce and move on."  So if you feel like she is pulling away from you, your first human response is to pull away from her and see if she loves you enough to run to you.  Unfortunately, what could happen is she will pull further away, which causes you to pull back, than she will pull back, than you, than her........
God created woman because "It isn't good for man to be alone."  This holds true for woman too.  We all want to be loved and respected, maybe even need to be!  If it doesn't happen at home with the one we have choosen to spend the rest of our life with, we start looking to other areas to make it happen.  Rather it is with friends, job or all the other wrong places.
Stop the cycle and take a really close look at why you feel better around you male friends.  I will guess it will come down to something that really doesn't have anything to do with what you first thought it was.  Talk to your wife about how you are feeling, not because it is her fault but because you need to know the two of you are working towards the common goal of making your life together work.  That you not only want her to be the happiest woman on the face of the world, but you need her to know that is how you feel.

Thank you for your response, I really appreciate it. I will think about it, but until then I thought I would spill some more as it feels good.

I know mine sounds like a typical case of a guy prefering to spend time with his friends than his wife. but it's not that simple for me.

I feel like the things we both wanted when we got married have changed - at least for me they have. Maybe I wasn't ready for marriage although I felt I was. I feel dead when I don't have any adventure in my life.

This is maybe my biggest problem. I want to travel, shun materialism, see things, talk to people and have adventures. My wife wants a simple family life. The lifestyle I want to lead would jepardise the security needed for our child and I would never let that happen, so I'm stuck. By doing the right thing by my wife and child I am effectivly squashing all of my dreams. Where does that leave me? Is that selfish?

Sorry this post isn't very lucid.

 

hbmn, I believe every one at some time in a marriage goes through this feeling, male and female.  Is it being selfish?  Yes it is, simple as that. 
As time goes on a couple will either grow closer together by choosing goals that satisfy both of their needs or they will grow apart by each going after their own goals.  Very rarely will their inidividual goals be the same.
You don't mention what your idea of adventure is, but I get the idea that you would like to be able to travel whenever and where ever you want.  To be that free spirited guy, not having anyone but yourself to worry about.  To be able to live out of a duffle bag, if need be and go where ever the wind seems to blow you. 
Don't let this feeling grow roots!!!!!!!!!!  God gave us all free choice and you have exercised that choice, the day you said "I do."  You not only made a commitment to God but also to your wife.  Not just for a day, week, month, year or decade but for the rest of your life.  You also have a child that is going to need you to teach her/him all the wonderful things you have learned in your life time.  A chld who you can give a better life than you have had.
So I guess what I am saying, is something you already know.  Each time we excercise our freedom of choice it is going to change our circumstances, sometimes for the better, sometimes not.  However, many times it is up to us to adjust our attitudes to match the circumstance.  So as harsh as this may sound, give up on the pity party and start looking for another way to experience adventure within your current situation.  Take your wife and child fishing, hiking or camping.  See if you wife would be interested in getting involved in coed sports, something she may enjoy.

Good luck, just remember you new and first priority is now your wife and child......than you. 

I can certainly understand what you mean.   Though I happen to be that woman that on the other side of the spectrum.  I met my husband when I was 24 - he loved to go out with the guys.  Being that I was young, naive, immature, desperate and wanting to be that perfect wife just to make my marriage work.  I didn't want to be that nagging, whiney wife that men most often complained about when they are out.  Before I got married, married men would hit on me and tell me their sad stories of how unhappy they were at home with their wives.  First, of all let me say what a turn off that is.  Be a real man and be honest with yourself and with your wife.  Don't waste your time and hers.  If you don't want to be married, tell her so she can move on and find someone who will actually enjoy being with her.  I know it's easier said than done - especially if there are children involved.   

I don't mean to be harsh, but you should've thought of all that before you made your vows to her and decided to have children.  Relationships are not the same once children come into the picture.  Spouses mature thru the years and luckily like me find GOD.  My ex-husband put me and my children thru hell and back.  Not only has it screwed me up but my two sons as well.   All he cared about was going out, hanging with the fellows, and even times not coming home.  He was not there for us and unfortunately our boys hold resentment towards their dad.  Please don't be selfish because it's the children who suffer in the long run.  I could keep on going but I've gotta catch my bus. 

I will pray for you and hope you make the right decision.  God Bless

Thanks for your messages guys, I appreciate you taking the time to reply.

I think selfishness does play a part in how I'm feeling. It's good to be called out on it. My wife and child are my priority and as I wrote earlier, I always try and do right by them, but I can't help the way I feel sometimes. I don't think it helps that my wife's priorities seem to be living the magazine lifestyle, nice car, house, clothes, holidays. I'm just not interested in that stuff, and I don't think God does either. How do I reconcile being a good attentive husband with those views? I think maybe that is (in part) the reason I feel a bit trapped.

Quote from: hbmn on Thu Dec 04, 2008 - 07:39:32
Thanks for your messages guys, I appreciate you taking the time to reply.

I think selfishness does play a part in how I'm feeling. It's good to be called out on it. My wife and child are my priority and as I wrote earlier, I always try and do right by them, but I can't help the way I feel sometimes. I don't think it helps that my wife's priorities seem to be living the magazine lifestyle, nice car, house, clothes, holidays. I'm just not interested in that stuff, and I don't think God does either. How do I reconcile being a good attentive husband with those views? I think maybe that is (in part) the reason I feel a bit trapped.

Sounds like some good communication with your wife is in order here. Tell her how you feel without it sounding like she is to blame for your dscontent. Discontent is a thing that comes from within and you can usually ride it out until it disappears. Make a plan with your wife how to make some changes to your lifestyle that makes it less phony to you. Of course, you'll both need to be willing to compromise. Be realistic, live within your means, and wait out your season of discontent whle exploring new horizons with your wife.
Don't worry about hitting a "dry spot" in your walk with the Lord. We all do at some point. Keep praying, stay connected and suddenly your joy will return.
God Bless.

What a cool and insane thing God does by creating opposites and then making them attract each other.    Would you be willing to say more about what is happening in your thoughts when you feel "trapped"?  Sometimes I think I know what a person means...but maybe not.  What is it like for you?

Quote from: KathyH on Tue Dec 30, 2008 - 14:44:15
What a cool and insane thing God does by creating opposites and then making them attract each other.   Would you be willing to say more about what is happening in your thoughts when you feel "trapped"?  Sometimes I think I know what a person means...but maybe not.  What is it like for you?

I don't feel as though my wife understands my ambition or would support me if I tried to achieve my dreams. I think that is where the trapped part comes from. I don't think my ambition, creativity, dreams are things that I can communicate in words. I have tried, but I end up sounding unrealistic and I'm scolded for not living in the real world.

I feel as though I'm at a crossroads. Do I take the path my wife tells me too - just getting on with making my dreams happen and stop talking about it. Or do I follow the route I think will be least damaging to my marriage - shutting up and not trying to achieve my dreams.

This might be confusing - but I'm a musician and I believe I have the potential to make it a career, touring, selling albums etc. If I do this, it will put a strain on my marriage as I'll be away for long periods and when I submerge myself in songwriting, I'm not a great husband and can't be as attentive as I know I should be.

Does any of this make sense?

hbmn... ::nodding::makes sense that you feel stuck in an either/or situation.   If you don't mind a few more questions...

When you say that you don't feel as though your wife understands your ambition or would support you if you tried to achieve your dreams...what does that look like?  Or rather, what would her support look like to you, if you could get it?

Your crossroads seems to have two forks:  I am curious about that...wondering if there might be a third option?

What is a great husband, hbmn?  Who says a person engaged in the process of songwriting can't be one?

Her support would aknowledge how important my work is to me. I believe men are driven by their work and are motivated by the mark they leave on the world. I'm not sure my wife understands that. I'd like her to give me more space and time to myself. I understand her need to be close to me alot of the time and I support it, doing my best to please her. But she doesn't do the same for me.

The crossroads; you're right, there could be a third option, mutural support and understanding - but I don't feel that my wife tries to understand me as much as I do her, so I can't see it happening.

A great husband can only be great with the full support of his wife - thats how I see it anyway. I find that if I don't get space away from my family I start to become a less attentive, less caring, more selfish man. When I (seldom) get space I get re-charged and come home with a renewed sense of compassion. I know I'm not alone in this. I believe alot of men feel this way; if their wives gave them more space, they would function as better men and better husbands. I believe men need adventure, battles to fight. I feel kind of emasculated in our time and culture. Music helps me create and achieve great things.

The songwriting is a cliche really. I write best when I'm alone and/or having an adventure. The normality of everyday life stunts my creative output.

Wow, sorry to unload on you, but that felt good, I don't often open up like that, so forgive me if it's hard to follow!

OK.  I'm going to try to respond to each point, but not in order.  Hope you can follow. Also, please know that none of these responses may work for you, and if not, please throw them in the trash immediately!  I think sometimes eliminating what doesn't fit can help a person process, too.

Start with the crossroads issue:
A mutual support and understanding needs an agreement of some kind...you don't have that right now, and you don't trust that you can get it...so let's table that as an immediate option.  (May be possible later, but we can't predict the future).

Am I hearing you correctly, that you believe you need your wife's support/approval to be a great husband?  "if their wives gave them more space, they would function as better men and husbands."

A writer's life is very often not a traditional way to live, that's for sure.  Adventure and breathing space seem to  be required for that.

Is this something you have felt since you were married or something new?  It is normal to feel this every once in a while, but if it is a constant feeling, you may want to talk to a pastor or Christian counselor to see if there is a root cause.

In Christ,
KP

I have only felt this way since I have been married. When I was single I didn't face these issues as 'freedom' was my natural state. I didn't feel trapped as soon as the ring was on my finger, but the feeling developed. I don't feel it all the time, but it seems to be more acute these days.

I am married to a career musician, songwriter, professional outdoorsman.  It would make more sense if he were posting this, but I guess that's God's sense of humor.  No one's story is the same, so the details of ours is not important here...but what seems really important is the fact that God is up to something here.

You used the word 'crossroads' before.  Look around, take the lay of the land, check your traveling companions, and know that you are not alone here.  We are offering nothing but a cold drink of water, as someone once did for us...there is one compass, and that is the Word of God...but we don't preach...or predict the future.

At the crossroads for our marriage, we learned something we thought we already knew, but were very relieved to discover a different way of thinking about.  Click on the livestransforming.com link in my signature for a free ebook and newsletter built on scripture. 

You are still free, friend.  And if you would like to hear from my husband, let me know .  He would be happy to share more.