Christian Forums

Hello all,

I'm new to board and have been enjoying the support I've seen over the past couple of hours.

I need help processing something because I can't figure out how to think about my situation.

My wife is a Godly, loving woman. She works at our old church and does some accounting work on the side for my best friend's small business. He is a Godly man that I have been best friends with for 20 years. I trust and love both of them.

The situation is this...my best friend and his business partner will go out and have dinner, a beer, etc. quite often. Several times that has fallen on a day where my wife is at his office doing their accounting, so they'll invite her along.  Earlier today, we talked about watching movies together on our new HD TV that we got for Christmas. This evening she called me to tell me that my best friend and his partner invited her to go out with them for a beer.... it's kind of understood that I could go, I guess. My wife called a second time after she sensed that I was uneasy with this situation and mentioned "that I could come too if I wanted", but I declined.

On my end...I have been cheated on 3 times in my life by girlfriends. Once with a very close friend at the time (this was in college).

My conundrum: I am unsure if this is inappropriate behavior or not. Should a married woman (or man) being going out socially with another man (or woman)?        I am confused and possibly over thinking the situation because of the pain and fear of being cheated on in the past.  I do not feel that it is inappropriate for Business Dinners/Drinks to occur as that is part of business and has a different intent altogether. Going out for personal reasons has a totally different feel to me.

How can I love and trust both of these people, yet feel such fear about this situation?

Sorry this is so long. I just need help on how to process this.

Chris

Personally I wouldnt like it if it were my husband going out socially with one or two women. (See the thread I started about boundaries in a marriage on the marriage forum).
Its one thing to work with someone (although I am not sure I would like my husband working with another woman alone all the time either) but quite another to go and have a driink with him on a fairly regular basis (or at all) To me this is overstepping the mark, but others may disagree.
A boundary for me would be no socialising with someone of the opposite sex, whether it be a meal or a drink.
If there is any socialising I think it needs to be done as a couple , and if you two had already decided to do something alone then in my opinion she should have kept to that.
She may not agree though of course.

By the way, there is such a think as godly jealousy as well as ungodly jealousy. To me you would seem right to be a little jealous about this as it is normal and sensible. it is sort of like a warning system, and the fact that you trust your wife makes no difference as I trust my husband 100% but its other women I dont trust and that is from experience!

Your wife should not be going out in any kind of social setting with anyone of the opposite sex.  We discussed this sort of thing in another thread, even if it's innocent, she's putting herself in a situation that is taylor made for trouble.  Don't let her do this.

Avenger

Go with her.  She invited you so go.  Have a good time.  If it's your best friend and wife you should be able to enjoy their company.

When she called me to see if I wanted to go, it was as she was on her way to the restaurant/bar to have drinks. I had already ordered some take-out that was being delivered and had changed into shorts and a t-shirt.

The point is that I was invited as an after thought. It appeared obvious to me that she wanted some alone time (which everyone needs from time to time). That time was just with MY friend and not with one of hers.   She works at a church, for pete's sake.

What if someone from the church would have happened by.... "Hey, Katherine! What are you up to?"  K says, "Oh just having a beer with a friend of mine."  Friend From Work says, "Great! Where's Mike (that's me)? Is he in the bathroom?"...... K replies, "Well, last time I talked to him, he was at home eating dinner ....."

I don't think she'd lose her job or anything, but it is inappropriate at a minimum.

Quote from: gringogigante on Tue Dec 30, 2008 - 07:40:35
When she called me to see if I wanted to go, it was as she was on her way to the restaurant/bar to have drinks. I had already ordered some take-out that was being delivered and had changed into shorts and a t-shirt.

The point is that I was invited as an after thought. It appeared obvious to me that she wanted some alone time (which everyone needs from time to time). That time was just with MY friend and not with one of hers.   She works at a church, for pete's sake.

What if someone from the church would have happened by.... "Hey, Katherine! What are you up to?"  K says, "Oh just having a beer with a friend of mine."  Friend From Work says, "Great! Where's Mike (that's me)? Is he in the bathroom?"...... K replies, "Well, last time I talked to him, he was at home eating dinner ....."

I don't think she'd lose her job or anything, but it is inappropriate at a minimum.

It sounds as if she only asked you to keep you happy and to stop herself feeling guilty. I wonder how she would feel if you went out to eat or drink with one or two women on a regualr basis without her? Maybe you could ask her that question, and help her to see that it is not appropriate.
I think that you two need to sit down together and talk about it becuase the more it happens the more unhappy you will get . Just because he is your best friend doesnt mean that nothing will ever happen. these things can develop between anyone, best friend or not. I am not saying there is any thing between them  at all, I am sure that they are just friends, but boundaries set now will help to ptrevent any possibility of anything happening.
I think she is beng quite rude and is putting what SHE wants to do with these other guys before you sometimes. Why does she need to go out with other man anyway?She sees him quite a lot anyway at work.You both need to set some boundaries is my feeling. 

Thanks fr all the advice. I was working under the assumption that we would be talking tonight. I've already mentioned that I'd like to hang out and talk a while tonight.

talking to this board is, in this case, a bit easier. I can't go to a buddy or my parents to talk about this because I do not want to impne her character in their mind. This is why I sought out fellow believers to bounce ideas off of.

thanks for all your help. Keep'em coming if you feel like it.

In His Grip,

M

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Quote from: gringogigante on Tue Dec 30, 2008 - 13:05:49
Thanks fr all the advice. I was working under the assumption that we would be talking tonight. I've already mentioned that I'd like to hang out and talk a while tonight.

talking to this board is, in this case, a bit easier. I can't go to a buddy or my parents to talk about this because I do not want to impne her character in their mind. This is why I sought out fellow believers to bounce ideas off of.

thanks for all your help. Keep'em coming if you feel like it.

In His Grip,

M

Hope that the talk goes well and that you both manage to come to an amicable agreement about boundaries.

I think it is a very, very bad idea for married people to go out with someone of the opposite sex.  There are lots and lots of romances that were not started intentionally, but just sort of happened because they spent a lot of time together. I have no doubt you trust your wife and friend and even that they're trustworthy with no bad intentions.  But everybody is setting themselves up for potential trouble with this situation.  It's just not a very wise thing to do.  We are supposed to even abstain from the APPEARANCE of sin or evil.  If other people that knew you and your wife saw your wife out having beers with two other men, and you're not in attendance, how would that look?  I hope you will express to her that you are uncomfortable with this, and I hope she respects you enough to not do that again.

Quote from: gringogigante on Tue Dec 30, 2008 - 13:05:49
Thanks fr all the advice. I was working under the assumption that we would be talking tonight. I've already mentioned that I'd like to hang out and talk a while tonight.

talking to this board is, in this case, a bit easier. I can't go to a buddy or my parents to talk about this because I do not want to impne her character in their mind. This is why I sought out fellow believers to bounce ideas off of.

thanks for all your help. Keep'em coming if you feel like it.

In His Grip,

M

So, were you able to talk?  I hope it went well.  I do think it is good to be honest with her and share with her what you're feeling and also listen to her and why she is making the choices that she is making.   I still say if she enjoys his company and you do as well, then both of you go next time.

Thats pretty much what I did with my husband and some friends he has at work that happen to be female.  I found myself at first being a little jealous because he really did enjoy their company but he always included me on anything outside of work and now I am very good friends with them as well and we all have a blast together.   They even made sure he got me something at Christmas where he use to just tell me to get what I want so I really enjoyed that!    I guess thats why I suggested that you go with her. 

Anyway, let us know how its going 

I think it is wrong because of this.  Pretend you were in high school and you had a girlfriend who wanted to eat with a friend of yours of the opposite sex.  You wouldn't like that.  Marriage is MUCH bigger than a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship, so that should be a NO for your wife to do such a thing. 

Have you talked to your wife about it?  If it bothers you and she does not know then things can go south in a hurry.  If she knows it bothers you, it may cause her to have second thoughts about accepting.

In Christ,
KP

It is wrong. You need to explain to her how you feel and ask her to stop what is happening. There is no shame in wanting to protect your marriage. Married people have no business going out with singles of the opposite sex. None what so ever. This type of behavior can lead to mistakes being made. I have seen this too many times. Let us know how this turns out.

brace yourself.
it's you.

being cheated on three times might not be a coincidence. lose a fear. (a behavior, "lifestyle").
create something more fun or aspiring than having a beer and dinner. tag along. be fun. be involved with less of the old familiar places.
get friends you both like.
create an atmosphere of accountability.

Quote from: the innate on Thu Jan 01, 2009 - 03:05:03
brace yourself.
it's you.

being cheated on three times might not be a coincidence. lose a fear. (a behavior, "lifestyle").
create something more fun or aspiring than having a beer and dinner. tag along. be fun. be involved with less of the old familiar places.
get friends you both like.
create an atmosphere of accountability.

Cant agree here. My brother has had both of his wives cheat on him (one four times) and he is the nicest guy you could ever meet.Unfortunately he just had two wives for whom faithfullness meant nothing. Fortunately he now has a lovely lady friend who seems different and I dont think she will do the same.