Christian Forums

Hi everyone!  I have a question which I'm hoping someone here may be able to help me with.

I've been dating a man for about a year.  We're both Christians and divorced with children and I honestly believe that God has brought him into my life. Both of us also has less than terrific marriages.

He has some real issues with trust and jealousy.  Some of which is based on previous experiences, including infidelity in his marriage.  This is causing a real issue for me in our relationship.  I don't know HOW to deal with this.  He knows his thoughts are irrational, but isn't able to control them.  I love him and would like to think he's the one I will spend the rest of my life with.  However if we can't get past this that will be impossible for me.

I am 100% sure he wouldn't consider counseling - but I would like to get some type of Christian based book which might help him with the healing process and with learning to trust.

Does anyone have a recommendation? 

Thanks!!!

If you honestly believe God brought you together.

I do not think you should work so hard to have to fix it. If it of God let God work it out in him.
Your part should be in prayer and allowing God to work.

It sounds as though he has his own insecurities to deal with...That is where jeleosy stems from.

Jeleosy is not a part of love, so if it continues   It is NOT love

Thank you... and you are right.  If it's meant to be, then God will bring healing in His time.  Or let me know that I need to end it.

It's just so incredibly difficult.  On the one hand, he is awesome. Thoughtful, caring excellent with my children. Giving with other people (not just me).  But when he gets suspicious - it's really not good for me.  He'll just shut me out totally and accuse me of things that I would never do.  When he's had a chance to think about it, he KNOWS how irrational the thoughts are, but that doesn't stop them.  And just when I think we've reached a level of semi-trust - BOOM something happens.  And please know, that I've done NOTHING to inspire mistrust.  Although I have many flaws, I am loyal to a fault. 

I spent 5 years alone - didn't date at all.  Just spent time with my children and healing from my marriage, which was so bad.  When I started dating again, I was very particular. I wanted who God has for me or no one.  I had always had a bad habit of subconsciously attracting people who needed to be *fixed* in some way and I swore that wouldn't happen again.

And now that I've given my heart away again, I pray I haven't made the same mistake again. 

I will be praying for both of you.

Quote from: mom2two on Tue Dec 30, 2008 - 11:45:49
Thank you... and you are right.  If it's meant to be, then God will bring healing in His time.  Or let me know that I need to end it.

It's just so incredibly difficult.  On the one hand, he is awesome. Thoughtful, caring excellent with my children. Giving with other people (not just me).  But when he gets suspicious - it's really not good for me.  He'll just shut me out totally and accuse me of things that I would never do.  When he's had a chance to think about it, he KNOWS how irrational the thoughts are, but that doesn't stop them.  And just when I think we've reached a level of semi-trust - BOOM something happens.  And please know, that I've done NOTHING to inspire mistrust.  Although I have many flaws, I am loyal to a fault. 

I spent 5 years alone - didn't date at all.  Just spent time with my children and healing from my marriage, which was so bad.  When I started dating again, I was very particular. I wanted who God has for me or no one.  I had always had a bad habit of subconsciously attracting people who needed to be *fixed* in some way and I swore that wouldn't happen again.

And now that I've given my heart away again, I pray I haven't made the same mistake again. 

I don't want to seem judgemental, but maybe you are attracted to this "type" of person that needs motherly fixing.  You somehow in your heart think you can be the one who will change whatever is not correct.  If this is your inner mentality pertaining to you being drawn to such a type of person.  You will have to change your view on what type of person you should date.   You need to find a person who is trusting, and yet a true man without so many concerns of infidelity in his mind.

Just a thought.

Quote from: mom2two on Tue Dec 30, 2008 - 10:37:29
Hi everyone!  I have a question which I'm hoping someone here may be able to help me with.

I've been dating a man for about a year.  We're both Christians and divorced with children and I honestly believe that God has brought him into my life. Both of us also has less than terrific marriages.

He has some real issues with trust and jealousy.  Some of which is based on previous experiences, including infidelity in his marriage.  This is causing a real issue for me in our relationship.  I don't know HOW to deal with this.  He knows his thoughts are irrational, but isn't able to control them.  I love him and would like to think he's the one I will spend the rest of my life with.  However if we can't get past this that will be impossible for me.

I am 100% sure he wouldn't consider counseling - but I would like to get some type of Christian based book which might help him with the healing process and with learning to trust.

Does anyone have a recommendation? 

Thanks!!!

I know it's personal, but would you mind elaborating a little?

You say he has issues with trust and jealousy. How does he express his mis-trust and jealousy?

You say he knows his thoughts are irrational. Do you know what some of these thoughts are? Has he explained any of them to you?

You also say you are sure he is against any kind of professional counseling. Did you suggest it and he flat refused?

Thanks.

I think that from my experieces in  life he will get better as he learns to trust you more. One year isnt long, and if his first wife was unfaithful he may need some healing time. It would be really good if he did go for some help and prayer/counselling.

When I met my second husband I was jealous becuase I had been very hurt both by my first husband and by two other people, who had all betrayed me very badly in different ways, but now we have been very happily married for 3 years, I hardly ever feel jealous,  as I have learnt to trust him and that he isnt going to do what my first husband did.
He also came into the realationship with baggage  which needed to be worked through, as you often do if both have been married before.
This isnt nice for you but believe me it isnt nice for him either. To feel jealous isnt rational, and it feels horrible when you suffer from it. Its like somemone is stabbing you in the chest again and again it is so painful. It feels just like a physical pain.
If you think he is the one for you give it time and prayer and suggest that he does get some help also.

I also dont agree with the person who said that jealousy isnt love, as I adored my husband from the very beginning but still I had to battle with jealousy.It is a battle but one that can be won with Gods help.

Sorry, but I have to recommend a little counseling.

In fact maybe 1-2 sessions only with an EMDR therapist. Quick and easy.

My checklist for a partner:

1. employed
2. has own place
3. non-alcoholic
4. believer of some kind
5. has been in therapy or is open to it

I say #5 because any person from my experience that is so shut down that they could not ask for help from a professional -has some really deep issues ---and I don't want to be around them. ( Not anymore - I'm too smart for that now.)

See, what would make a person be soo afraid of talking about themselves and asking for some "tools", some ideas to get then into a better place for themselves and those around them?     It's a deeper problem than you think.
It masks other issues that will rear their ugly head later.

IMO, Elaine

Dear Mom2two,

I have just finished reading a book called:
Tired of trying to measure up, by Jeff VanVonderen 1989.
Bethany House Publishers.

This book talks about shame, and how to deal with shame in the world that we live in, it talks about shame in relationships, families, past and in the church. I have personally found this a challenging read, as it tackles issues related to shame, it is a worthwhile read.

Tell your husband to be that he can email me if he would like to talk about the book or about his past. I am an Australian male christian who believes in the Power of the word, in Jesus as the only way to real Joy and in helping others.

God bless you in your search for answers, I look forward to hearing from you.

Dear Mom2two,
I know what it's like to deal with a partner that is too jealous. I am an optimist, believing that anything can be accomplished if you pput your minds to it. but something you said in your post hit me. You are sure he won't go to counceling. That's a biggie! That's what I'm dealing with as well. You can't make a relationship work when only one person is wiling to go to counceling and get down and dirty. You said he is aware he has a trust issue. What does he offer as a solution to get thru this? If he won't do counleling, what is his solution to getting over this? Whatever you do, don't get into feeding his illness. What I mean is that you can certainly assure him from time to time that you would never cheat on him. but don't let yuorself get into the habit of explaining every little detail every time he is questioning things. If you're willing to work on this and give a little, he has to try as well. And ya know we've all had bad relationships. You can't punish someone for past crimes of other people. Hope this helps.