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My husband and I have been married 4 yrs. We have a 3 yr old and a 6 month old. I work midnights as a RN 2 nights (12 hr shifts) a week. My husband 'works with his dad' in their business of buying and selling equipment. He probably works about 20 hrs a week. The rest is running errands and whatever else his dad wants to do. I go to my moms to sleep the days after I work. we live in his parents basement which was turned into a very small one bedroom apartment. We are trying to buy a house right now. I'm going crazy because I can not make him happy!!!!!!!!!! Every aspect of my life he continuously complains about!!! Constantly telling me how I raise our boys wrong, feed them wrong, wear the wrong clothes, too much clutter around the house, my family, money....everything! You name it and he has a problem with it! I feel I can not talk with him about anything because he has a hot temper and starts yelling in front of our boys and he says such mean things I can't take it! He is a loving dad and husband for the most part, but I don't know how to make him happy! i am becoming more and more depressed everday! i want him to make just a little more money- I mean he barely seems to be working while I am constantly cleaning and keeping the kids happy and trying to wrok part time so we have health insurance. Our pastor also happens to be his dad and I don't want to talk with him about anything because the whole family somehow hears about it. I need help! I am broken in spirit and I am beginging to take these prblems out on our boys which breaks my heart! how do I make him happy?? Am I in the wrong?

One thing that I have learnt is that no one can be totally responsible for someone elses happiness. Too many married couples think that their spouse has to be everything to them and that their spouse is totally responsible for making them happy.
If your husband isnt happy then maybe the problem is with him rather than you? Has he always been like this or is it recent? If it is recent than maybe the two of you can get some sort of help together. If he has always been difficult to please then maybe it is him that needs to get some help. I do know people like this, that no matter what their spouse does or have ever done it is NEVER good enough. This is somethng that maybe harder to deal with.

The time when the children are small can be stressfull and tiring and the fact that you are living in a small basement which happens to also be in your in laws house, probably isnt ideal either. It may help when you are able to have somewere else to live where you can be independant from his parents.Could you maybe get someone where else even if is not very big?
Do you have a women friend, maybe someone older in your church who you could speak to in confidence? Speaking to someone else about it may help you to get it all in to perspective and allow you to 'let it all out' as it were rather than letting it all build up inside. 

Is the situation of him working with his dad part time something that could change? if he worked full time then it would help you to be able to afford somehwere of your own to live, and it would also give him independance form his parents which I think is important for a husband and father who has his own family.While he is working with his dad and living in their house, he hasnt really cut the ties in my opinion. 

I hope that thngs improve for you both. It may help if you two could go and see someone away from your church (seeing as his dad is the pastor)to talk this all through.

I think Chosen's comments are right on the mark. We can't make other people happy. We must live unto the Lord and if that doesn't make them happy then nothing else will.

It looks like the broken spirit is coming from a belief you hold--that you must make your husband "happy."  Would you help me understand what that means to you?

I feel that is the wife's job, I guess. Living up to the Proverbs 31 woman and being a help-meet and submissive. I guess I believe if he isn't happy with me I must not be those women and he will not be a happy husband. But I just can't seem to get it right-EVER! I am so frustrated most the times I am around him. Lately, I've begun to think it is maybe because he needs to be away from me and out of the house so we aren't together so much. I've been trying to find things to do to get away from him like go to my moms house and let the boys play or go to a friends house or just go shopping, but i feel i am running from the problem and have to face it as soon as we are back together. And everyday it seems to start right back up again. I love him so much, but what is wrong with me? He claims I treat everyone else better than him, but I honestly run my life around his every whim and desire. Anything he asks I am more than willing to do or at least try. Anything that does not get done he gets mad at me. I don't feel like we are team, but that is me vs. him and he makes me feel terrible if something is wrong....I rarely retaliate because he absolutely starts yelling so loud I'm embarrassed his parents upstairs will hear and then the whole family will  find out.They all live on the same road and are verrrrry close to each other.
I need to know what I can say or do to help our marriage- i have no desire to keep trying,. I feel I'm only around for the boys sometimes. It is just so hrd to keep him happy! Anything helps, so please write me!

I encourage you to read "Boundaries" and then "Boundaries in Marriage".  Both are excellent resourses and will help you to understand that you are not responsible for his happiness.  You are responsible to respect and love him, but joy (an abiding sense of happiness) comes from within.

Also, though Proverbs 31 speaks of the "Virtuous Wife", I believe it is a metaphor of Wisdom.  Throughout Proverbs, Wisdom is referred to as a woman, with chapter 31 being a call for us all to embrace wisdom as one would embrace/marry a wife.  If one lives wisely, then one will work diligently, treat others well, and be rewarded accordingly. 

Concerning your husband, it's likely that he struggles with depression for several reasons not the least of which is his lack of productivity and not being able to provide for his own family apart from the support of his parents.  There is little that you can do concerning this except will yourself to respect him.   A man gets much of his self worth from what he does, being productive and creative. 

Women on the other hand get much of their self worth from their dominant relationships, especially with their fathers, husbands, and sons.  Genesis speaks of how a woman's desire shall be for her husband.  I believe this speaks of a woman's unhealthy emotional need to be accepted and loved especially by the man in her life.  Sadly, this gives that man the ability to oppress her severely unless she finds her acceptance and love in Another.  Of course, I speak of Jesus!  A woman having a secure relationship with Jesus empowers her to stand strong, finding acceptance and love in Him!  This is as it should be.

Another good book to read is "Love and Respect". I pray that you are filled with the love and acceptance of Jesus Christ.

Quote from: koolaidk003 on Wed Dec 31, 2008 - 17:07:31
My husband and I have been married 4 yrs. We have a 3 yr old and a 6 month old. I work midnights as a RN 2 nights (12 hr shifts) a week. My husband 'works with his dad' in their business of buying and selling equipment. He probably works about 20 hrs a week. The rest is running errands and whatever else his dad wants to do. I go to my moms to sleep the days after I work. we live in his parents basement which was turned into a very small one bedroom apartment. We are trying to buy a house right now. I'm going crazy because I can not make him happy!!!!!!!!!! Every aspect of my life he continuously complains about!!! Constantly telling me how I raise our boys wrong, feed them wrong, wear the wrong clothes, too much clutter around the house, my family, money....everything! You name it and he has a problem with it! I feel I can not talk with him about anything because he has a hot temper and starts yelling in front of our boys and he says such mean things I can't take it! He is a loving dad and husband for the most part, but I don't know how to make him happy! i am becoming more and more depressed everday! i want him to make just a little more money- I mean he barely seems to be working while I am constantly cleaning and keeping the kids happy and trying to wrok part time so we have health insurance. Our pastor also happens to be his dad and I don't want to talk with him about anything because the whole family somehow hears about it. I need help! I am broken in spirit and I am beginging to take these prblems out on our boys which breaks my heart! how do I make him happy?? Am I in the wrong?

Koolaid, I am so sorry to hear you going thru this. I too kow what it's like having someone who is constantly criticizing your every move while walking around miserable. I learned that they are depressed and this is the way they handle it. Also they have a very low self-esteem and to put other people down and point out their mistakes makes them feel better about themselves. I am truly sorry to hear you going thru this. I know how it makes you feel. I work anywhere from 50 to 70 hours a week and my wife works, at best, 38 hours a week. In addition I get my kids twice a week and every other weekend, and it's an hour drive to go pick them up. In addition to that, I have to take care of my Dad who has Alzheimer's. I clean around the house. I do most of the cooking and all of the grocery shopping. I do all of the yard work in the spring and summer months, and yet all I hear is how she does it all. And her nit-picking at all the things I do, while she makes the same mistakes she's yelling at me for-most of the time, to a worse degree. If you can get him to counceling, that would be great. My wife will have nothing to do with it because she kows what she doesn't want to hear. Hey, I am here for you if you need a person to yell and vent to.

Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.
Eph 5:22

Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it
Eph 5:25

Both of you need to submit, your Selfs to Each others,

3 Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. 4 The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. 5 Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.
1 Cor 7:3-5

Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God.

Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.

For the husband is the head of the wife , even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body.
Eph 5:21-23

Let the woman learn in silence with all subjection. 12 But I suffer not a woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence. 13

For Adam was first formed , then Eve. 14 And Adam was not deceived, but the woman being deceived [/b] was in the transgression. 1 Tim 2:11-14


And unto the married I command, yet not I, but the Lord, Let not the wife depart from her husband:

But and if she depart, let her remain unmarried , or be reconciled to her husband: and let not the husband put away his wife.
1 Cor 7:10-11


And if a woman shall put away her husband, and be married to another, she committeth adultery.Mark 10:12

Just wanted to encourage you.  I am here to stand with you as you go through this really hard time.  I have no words to say beyond the fact that you are already made completely righteous by the Blood of Christ poured out for you.  You cannot do anything to change that, stop it, add to it, NOTHING.  Whether your husband's behavior ever changes, it doesn't matter...you are enough in Christ.  What if you really knew that?  Is it possible that everything could change?

So maybe you ask, "If I have everything I need in Christ, then why is my life so messed up?" A great question.  I think it might have something to do with the way we forget who we are.  It's like a person who looks at herself in the mirror, walks away, and forgets what she looks like.  Did you ever forget what earrings you put on in the morning?  Someone says, "Are those new earrings?"  And your hand goes to your ears because you can't remember what you wore that day.  We forget who we are...or maybe no one ever told us in a way we could understand.

The people who post on this forum have encouraging things to say, and challenging ones.  But none of our words have real power to change lives.  The truth of the Word changes us, but it is possible to read scripture and not be changed by it.  What do we do with the idea of renewing our minds in Christ, then?

Oswald Chambers wrote,"God has freely given us the Spirit of Christ, but not the Mind of Christ."  We get to choose to develop the mind of Christ.  That can make a difference.  But how?  I want to tell everyone I know how I learned/am learning that.  It is making a real difference in me...but I needed to be taught. Maybe this won't be your "aha moment,"  but I wanted to put it out there and I trust that the Holy Spirit will guide you into all truth in your own life.

A book I read recently (it's only 43 pages) called "Minds On Fire," talks about this concept of how our thoughts and emotions impact our actions.  True change can come when we learn the Truth of Scripture and understand how God works in our Spirits. It may not be your thing, but I wish someone had explained it this way to me sooner. 

You can get it at www.livestransforming.com.  It costs nothing.  Consider it a cup of cold water in Jesus' Name.

I will check back to see how you're doing.  You are not alone.

Very sorry to hear this is happening to you, it sounds like my Ex!
he checked my miles on my car. would hound me constantly that I wasn't doing something right. I walked on egg shells all the time. That is no life to live. I agree with you on trying to do Gods will but if he is hatefull and cruel then I am sure God doesn't want his daughter to suffer and live a unhappy life.
Its not fair to you or the kids. If you love him then just pray that God will deliever you and Him from this.
Keep it up.
I prayed almost constantly for God to give me an answer to my hell. I was lying in bed one night and my husband was on the couch because he wouldn't sleep with me, anyway I prayed and prayed cried and prayed some more... Then I felt a warm touch on my hand that was undenialable. God was there and he heard my voice in dispair......Two weeks later he was out of my life. Come to find out he was addicted to masterbation and had some major controll issues. God loves you and doesn't want to see anyone go through Hell like that. If your husband doesn't respond to your need to improve things and won't listen to your tears then I don't think he will ever get off his high horse.  Pray Pray Pray.......... God will hear you!

I just said a prayer for you.  My husband tends to be a hot head sometimes and we have had our fair share of arguements.  Little things would tend to set him off, however about a year ago he started taking a medication called celexa and his mood is so much better! 
Maybe he is just frustrated with were he is in life.  Things will get better when you have a place of your own.  Maybe he also has issues with working with his dad?   I've found that it's easier for people to take their anger out on their spouse than it is to vent it to the one they are really upset with.  KEEP PRAYING!!