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My future wife became a preschool teacher/director at a church.  This is her life goal come true.  I've recently moved to the same city as her so that we can have a much closer relationship (non long-distance).  There are some issues with her job, such as, they want to improve and increase the program, she wants to make changes to make that happen, but they don't want to change.  I'm giving her assurance that things will get better, and she is doing a great job.
Here is what the major issue is.  Because she works at that church she is expected to of course attend that church.  I love church, but I can't stand her church.  It's not all bad.  I like the pastors and the music director, and I enjoy the traditional church service. 

What makes me upset though came from the congregation.  We always feel as if we are being watched.  People are making judgments about us, assuming that we are living together.  She has had booklets slipped under her door on the dangers of premarital sex.  We have been told to stop living in sin and get married as soon as possible (we have the date set in May 2010).  She can't wear anything to church that shows her shoulders.  Recently, comments are being passed around about our newest scandal.  We have been sitting to close to each other, and.... *GASP* I put my arm around her and held her hand!!! 

I fear and love the lord.  I love going to church.  I was raised in a Lutheran church, baptized, and confirmed.  I'm not perfect, but I try to live by the LAW.  I am assured of my salvation by the freely offered GRACE which is my sanctification!  I try to live a LOVE centered life which is a God centered life.  My future wife and I are waiting until we get married to live together.  We are trying our hardest to abstain from sexual sins.  Despite all the struggles and obstacles we have faced and are facing, my bride to be and I are determined keep the blessing God gave us, that being our friendship and love.

It saddens me that I feel offended every time I enter that sanctuary.  I am sick of becoming infuriated on a weekly basis about something new.  It is difficult for me to experience that blissful fealing of Gods love at church when I am constantly accosted by judgment, slander, and rumors.

What do I do?  Going to church at separate churches is not an option, and it would only worsen things at her work if we went to a different church.


(edited by mod to correct typo in title)

Time for your future wife to find another church.. as what you are experiencing will probably not stop until you are married and even after marriage they will still assume you had premarital sex with your future wife.

In other words.. its a lost cause.. unfortunately.

Yeah, its not going to go away unless you leave, or confront it. Maybe you could guest speak about your walk to the congregation? Just to shed light of how proud you are to not be living with your fiance?

(I realize that if its a huge church that might not happen). But if not, maybe talk to the pastor to end the gossiping and call the gossipers to repent? Wake up the congregation to their own flaws and clear your good name?

Why not go ahead and marry?  It's better to marry than to burn with passion!

Once you're married, then weigh your options as to whether or not to continue in that church or change.  Getting married first will help with that tremendously.

Shock horror, you mean that you actually put your arm around her???What, and even held her hand???
It sounds as if these people need to get a life. To put a leaflet under someones door about the sins of sex before marriage is appalling. I have never heard that before. I think they have too much time on their hands to think up these things.
Personally I would leave there, and start afresh. if God is calling her to this work she can do it anywhere.

Just wonderd though, why you cannot marry for so long if you are already know that you will marry. My son and his girlfriend are also waiting for marriage till they have sex and they cannot marry till 2010 either, but they are both studying full time so cant afford to marry yet, and have no where to live becuase of that either.

Quote from: chosenone on Mon Jan 05, 2009 - 22:18:55
Shock horror, you mean that you actually put your arm around her???What, and even held her hand???

Next they'll start dancing, and you know what that leads to

Original poster here:
To address the questions of "Why the long engagement?"  there is a list a mile long, I'll give you just a few of the biggies.  We have now been 'dating' for seven months.  That's not a real short time, but much of it was long distance.  We want to let our relationship mature a bit more.  It's shown that marriages are generally more successful if not rushed into.  Another major issue is money.  We will be paying for most of the wedding cost.  We have considered having a very small simple wedding much sooner, but she really wants to have that traditional white wedding with the 3 tier cake and ALL the family there.  Also, because of work schedules, vacation availability, and dozens of other timing factors May is the best time of the year for the wedding, and this May is way to soon.

Oh, I almost forgot to mention something completely off topic about the church, but regarding our relationship.  I say 'dating' in quotes because the word dating doesn't describe us at all.  She and I have been very good friends for about 3 years now.  This last May though, we went for a walk through the park and everything changed.  She is still one of my best friends, but God has blessed us by adding a romantic love.  I told her on the first date that I didn't date just for fun, but that I always dreamed of finding the right one and courting her.  On the fifth day together I made her a promise, that when the time was right, I would ask her to marry me.  We've taken our relationship naturally, but there has always been a commitment by both of us to do everything possible to keep our relationship strong and God centered.  I now have both her and my parents blessing, and am working on paying for the ring.  I wish I could marry her today, but May 2010 is just the soonest it can be.  God give me patience.

Involving her church and leaving.  She can't leave her job yet.  She just graduated, and just started teaching.  If she left now it would break contract and put a very bad mark on her record.  Some teachers have never been rehired as teachers because they left their first school too soon.  As I said, it is expected that she attend the church she works at, and I'm not giving up going to church with her.  We talked, and a possible solution would be going to Saturday night service.  She talked with the head pastor about the rumors, and he might be able to calm things down, especially if we start premarital counseling.  We want to take the premarital counseling and classes, but it might be a bit early right now.

I guess I needed to vent.  The church has always been a place of peace and solace to me, a place to regain fortitude.  A beacon to my spiritual walk.  Now I feel forced to attend, and it's difficult to connect with God through the enmity.  I hear about couples that are together for 5 years or more and have no real plan on marriage, never a word of judgment.  I try to have a God centered relationship, make solid commitments to her and our love, spend every resource I have to be with her, hold fast to the vows made to God myself and her in respect to the sanctity of the marriage bed.  I pray for her, comfort her, show respect to her, her family, friends, and congregation.  In return all I get from them is slanderous rumors and judgment.  At times, it makes me feel like being a Christian is a bad thing. Like it's okay to sin and do what ever you want if your not a Christian, but if I'm going to be a good boy I have to do everything perfectly, and one small slip, and I'm damned because of my lustful ways.  There are days when my true motto is "I love God, but I can't stand his fan club."

oh, and

Quote from: fanuvmxpx on Tue Jan 06, 2009 - 13:47:55

Quote from: chosenone on Mon Jan 05, 2009 - 22:18:55
Shock horror, you mean that you actually put your arm around her???What, and even held her hand???

Next they'll start dancing, and you know what that leads to

Yeah, good thing there was no chance of anyone from the congregation being at the country bar we went to for the New Years!

post edit:
Good catch llewksgood, I fixed the typo.
Also, I realized that I've stated that I'm angry, but didn't give very good reason why, other than the leaflets.  Regarding the sitting to close and holding hands, She was directly confronted and asked "Didn't your mother ever teach you what was appropriate at church?"  in a very shunning fashion.  The shoulder rub thing was, as I said, very innocent.  The next Sunday, we hear from the pastor, who heard from the director, who heard from the parents that we were being "inappropriately physically intimate".  I don't fault the pastor, he was trying to protect us, but you know what happens when elderly folks start talking about the new, young 22 year old preschool teacher and her too good to be true boyfriend are having "inappropriate physical affection" at church.   AARRRGGG!  Also, I hope it doesn't sound like I'm snappy about the long engagement.  Many of the reasons are personal, and we don't feel like we need to constantly defend ourselves.  We just wish people could be happy for us, and not try change our plans every time we share our joyful news.  Chosenone asked asked nice enough that I felt like sharing.
Wow, I like to type, sorry for the huge blocks of text.

Quote from: jayjester on Tue Jan 06, 2009 - 14:18:20
Original poster here:
 God give me patients.

Some of those annoying parishioners, perhaps?

Or, did you mean 'patience'?