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I am nearly 50 and have never married. I have been something of a caregiver for a good number of years. A few years ago I dated a woman who had been married for over 20 years. She divorced because he was becoming abusive. I started dating her about 4 yrs after their divorce. We talked about the relationship and why it failed. I had not dated in years. Being aware of what took place was good to  know. However, I felt like at times that I was in a danger zone and sought to avoid doing anything that would have been like her ex.

I realize at my age finding someone is going to be hard. I am so horribly out of touch. There are some women out there who have had some difficult experiences. Getting past the past is not easy. How not to be the ex. We had a good relationship but there were medical circumstances in her family and in mine. We got pulled apart. Life was too complicated. She is married now.

How not to be the ex? Any thoughts? 

Just keep in mind there is always three sides to every story. Her side, his side and the truth. Just be yourself and hope for the best.

How not to be the ex is 100% up to her unfortunately. It is entirely up to her what she holds against you. There is nothing you can do about it.

Do what your supposed to...love her...respect her. You can politely ask her not to compare you with her ex...But after that...its all up to her.

it does not mean if the woman is a divorce woman or not but as far as she is of a good and godly character if you see one the go ahead and marry.
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Quote from: OneLung on Tue Mar 03, 2009 - 15:56:47
Just keep in mind there is always three sides to every story. Her side, his side and the truth. Just be yourself and hope for the best.

That is very true. I have heard things said about someones spouse that simply werent true. Things can be twisted to get sympathy and to make the other person look bad, and to make them look like the victim, and to get people on their side. Dont believe everything you herar, 'Abuse' is a much misused word these days. I have heard people accuse others of abuse just becuase they didnt meet all of their  needs for example.. There is real abuse and their is fabricated abuse just so that someone can get justify getting divorced without feeling guilty..

Also wanted to say that my husband and I are both divorced. Both of our spouses committed sexual immorality. We married when I was 49 and he was 48 and we have a really good marriage. Yes we both had some baggage and hurts to sort out but that can be over come with the right person. There may be more difficulty in that you have never been married and she will have been if she is divorced, so your lives will have been totally different, but even this can be sorted out if God is in it.

My suggestion to you both so that she doesn't bring her baggage and you don't make the same mistakes that hurt her before would be...  Pre-marriage classes. Hopefully, your pastor or hers will offer them at the church that you attend.  Ours did.  They offered a marriage seminar each year, we had marriage Sunday school classes and you could by the tapes...  Since we eloped, our pastor gifted us with the marriage tapes... I loved them, we listened to them over and over.  We also attended "Parenting" classes that our church offered.  Good luck!

Hello brother, you said that she is married now right? My suggestion to you is to find out through God's word the man you suppose to be and just strive to be that person. you shouldn't have the burden on your shoulders trying not to be her x or whomever. Your pattern is the Word and not her x. I do believe that you will find the right one for you; and believe me, it's better to wait to be with the on God has for you than to think about your age and jump into some disaster. Usually women make the mistake of jumping into a marriage because of the "age" thing, and later wish they would have waited a little bit longer. Keep your eyes on the Lord and He will direct your path.

Quote from: truby on Sat Mar 07, 2009 - 17:30:06
Hello brother, you said that she is married now right? My suggestion to you is to find out through God's word the man you suppose to be and just strive to be that person. you shouldn't have the burden on your shoulders trying not to be her x or whomever. Your pattern is the Word and not her x. I do believe that you will find the right one for you; and believe me, it's better to wait to be with the on God has for you than to think about your age and jump into some disaster. Usually women make the mistake of jumping into a marriage because of the "age" thing, and later wish they would have waited a little bit longer. Keep your eyes on the Lord and He will direct your path.

The woman I dated got married after we broke up. I simply had too much going on in my life at the time we dated.

I see my thread has lead to another. Should I even get married to a woman who is divorced? Should I date a woman who is divorced? I could get really technical with Scripture or allow God's grace to determine the answer. I have seen so much anger and discussion in the church on divorce and remarriage.  How great is God's grace? Until seventy times seven. Should I allow the strict view of a few "scholars" to determine whether or not  I date or marry a divorced woman? God's grace is greater than our understanding of Scripture.

Quote from: Rahn on Mon Mar 09, 2009 - 16:36:10

Quote from: truby on Sat Mar 07, 2009 - 17:30:06
Hello brother, you said that she is married now right? My suggestion to you is to find out through God's word the man you suppose to be and just strive to be that person. you shouldn't have the burden on your shoulders trying not to be her x or whomever. Your pattern is the Word and not her x. I do believe that you will find the right one for you; and believe me, it's better to wait to be with the on God has for you than to think about your age and jump into some disaster. Usually women make the mistake of jumping into a marriage because of the "age" thing, and later wish they would have waited a little bit longer. Keep your eyes on the Lord and He will direct your path.

The woman I dated got married after we broke up. I simply had too much going on in my life at the time we dated.

I see my thread has lead to another. Should I even get married to a woman who is divorced? Should I date a woman who is divorced? I could get really technical with Scripture or allow God's grace to determine the answer. I have seen so much anger and discussion in the church on divorce and remarriage.  How great is God's grace? Until seventy times seven. Should I allow the strict view of a few "scholars" to determine whether or not  I date or marry a divorced woman? God's grace is greater than our understanding of Scripture.

It may depend on why she is divorced and whether you feel God is leading you to do it. Speaking for myself, if a man or woman has been unfaithful to their previous spouse,or had left them for another (who they have since broken up with)  then it is very doubtful that I could trust them not to do it again. Also if they could do something like that, would I want to be married to them anyway?. If however their spouse did that to them (as in my husbands case), then  I see no problem.

I, in fact, at the age that I was when I met my second husband, was more favoured towards meeting a divorced guy rather than a single one or a widowed one. This is becuase someone who is middle aged and single may have little in common witth someone like me who has had a long marriage and three kids and also a guy whose wife had died often idolises her ( I have seen this happen)  and I would always  feel as if I was being compared to her and maybe that I wasnt living up to her memory.(a  bit like having three people in the marriage).