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Would I be going to far to say that there has to be a physical attraction for a relationship to work?

People tell me to look at someones heart, not how they look. It baffles me that people don't see the need for there to be physical attraction.

God already has someone in mind for most of us, someone he matched perfectly to us. I would think physical attraction would be apart of that process.

The reason I say this is because alot of people tell me I am too picky. I know what I like and I am sure God does too since he designed me. But I have also been accused that it's not Christian like, and sometimes I quarrel with myself about it.

I guess my stand point on it is im not gunna settle unless she is perfect for me, and as vane as it sounds to some people, physical attraction is apart of it.

Sounds like a good plan to me, but don't be too surprised if your own human nature trips you up. One of these days you may be in a grocery store buying a bag of dog food when all the sudden you notice her standing there. Once you make eye contact, it's over, done, no turning back. She "is" the one whether she fits neatly into your preconceived plan or not. :)

Yes, I think physical attraction is important. Most of us would not pursue a relationship with someone they personally found to be repulsive. But the question is, what is physical beauty and who gets to define it?

Do you define beauty as what is presented as such by the media, after spending hours in makeup, with modeling training on how to walk, tilt their head, etc. After spending months recovering from all kinds of plastic surgery. After spending tons of money on clothes and accessories. Is that the kind of beauty you're looking for?

Real beauty is a personal thing and is in the mind of the beholder. The beauty you look for can't be defined by a list of predefined attributes, but rather you just accept it where you find it.  As OneLung says, once you see that certain someone, probably by serendipity, your list goes in the trash can.

Tom M.

This is were the problem arises. People assume, when I try and talk about it in my church, I have some predefined list of certain physical qualities.

I simply look at someone and there is either attraction or thier isn't. It's not something I can help or train. There is no grey area. I'm not saying they are not attractive by any means, im just saying "I'm" not attracted to them. By all rights it is a personal thing, but why are so many so quick to label you wordly because you say your not attracted to the way someone looks?

Quote from: Archibald on Wed Apr 15, 2009 - 10:01:01
...but why are so many so quick to label you wordly because you say your not attracted to the way someone looks?

When people start saying things like "worldly" and "of the flesh" to me, it triggers a red flag and I usually disassociate myself from them.

Quote from: Archibald on Wed Apr 15, 2009 - 09:25:18
...I know what I like...

Quote
This is were the problem arises. People assume, when I try and talk about it in my church, I have some predefined list of certain physical qualities.

That sounds like a contradiction to me. Nevertheless, perhaps I did make an unwarranted assumption.  But I do still think the media leads most of us to believe that their presentation of "beautiful" is real, leading to unrealistic expectations in real life.

Tom M.

Quote from: OneLung on Wed Apr 15, 2009 - 10:11:40

Quote from: Archibald on Wed Apr 15, 2009 - 10:01:01
...but why are so many so quick to label you wordly because you say your not attracted to the way someone looks?

When people start saying things like "worldly" and "of the flesh" to me, it triggers a red flag and I usually disassociate myself from them.

Yeah, sadly im not real good at avoiding conflict. I am more of a lets debate and try to learn from it kinda guy.

Sorry MrQuietGuy it wouldnt let me quote you, or I might be doing it wrong lol, in any-case.

Beauty to me is like art, you either find the picture attractive or you don't, but it dosnt mean its not beautiful. I don't favor certain colors or shades. In turn I don't favor hair color, eye color, bust size, clothing or anything like that. I can find people beautiful and not have an attraction to them. If the media does have control over what I find attractive im in trouble because I find most of the women I see on television not attractive at all, beautiful in thier own right, but not my cup of tea.

King Solomon had quite a bit to say about female physical beauty, yet his dad, King David, physical attraction got him in a whole lot of trouble.

love,

sopranette

Quote from: sopranette on Wed Apr 15, 2009 - 10:39:24
King Solomon had quite a bit to say about female physical beauty, yet his dad, King David, physical attraction got him in a whole lot of trouble.

Oh, so it was David's fault that all those women made themselves available because their husbands were out of town? 

David was peeping where he wasn't supposed to be peeping.

love,

sopranette

OK to clarify, I am not trying to make a line on what is beautiful and what isn't.

I trust God, that when I meet who ever he has destined for me, attraction will not be a problem.

The problem arises when I speak the truth and say I will not marry someone I am not physically attracted too. To me when God promises me something, it will be perfect in every regard. I understand the easiest way out when someone asks for an opinion is to label it as worldly or of the flesh because of the automatic assumption that they are only attracted to some beautiful blond bay watch babe. The reason this troubles me is because I hear time and time again that looks shouldn't matter. My point is if we wait for who ever God designed for us, it wouldn't even be an issue.

I could settle for someone that I'm not attracted too, but get along great with and label it as "well its the Christian thing to do because I should only look at their heart", or I could wait and marry the person God has designed for me, witch will rock my world in every way. It makes me wonder how many people have married out of pressure from their church and peers, instead of waiting for God's plan.

You probably don't have freedom of choice when it comes to who you will fall in love with, but you do have freedom of choice when it comes to who you associate with. Maybe you should consider exercising that freedom.

Quote from: sopranette on Wed Apr 15, 2009 - 11:37:32
David was peeping where he wasn't supposed to be peeping.

love,

sopranette

just shows you that no matter how many wives a guy has, he is never satisfied...................

Some things never change and probably never will. :)

Quote from: chosenone on Wed Apr 15, 2009 - 12:14:26

Quote from: sopranette on Wed Apr 15, 2009 - 11:37:32
David was peeping where he wasn't supposed to be peeping.

love,

sopranette

just shows you that no matter how many wives a guy has, he is never satisfied...................

Perhaps it started out as a simple anatomical comparison study of the various social classes of the eastern meditarrean.

I do think that there has to be that 'something' that we are attracted to, but sometimes the person  who we meet isnt the 'ideal' looking person that we thought we wanted, but to us they are attractive.
Also a person can become more or less atrractive after we have known then for a while according to their personality. Some times very attractive people can be very arrogant and will use their looks to get what they want , you see it all the time, yet a slightly more average looking person can become more beautiful becuase they have a beautiful character or personality.

 I dont agree that many people get married becuase of pressures form the church, that would be a very bad reason to marry
.Yes wait for that special person but she may look nothing like what you are imagining. I do think that most men want to have this beautiful women that is on their mind, but most fall in love with someone who is just like them, ie normal and usually average,and they are very happy.

Quote from: OneLung on Wed Apr 15, 2009 - 12:17:39
Some things never change and probably never will. :)

why is it that most women are happy with their one guy and men often arent? Greed I guess, and sometimes we as human beings are never satisfied are we..

Quote from: zoonance on Wed Apr 15, 2009 - 12:18:50

Quote from: chosenone on Wed Apr 15, 2009 - 12:14:26

Quote from: sopranette on Wed Apr 15, 2009 - 11:37:32
David was peeping where he wasn't supposed to be peeping.

love,

sopranette

just shows you that no matter how many wives a guy has, he is never satisfied...................

Perhaps it started out as a simple anatomical comparison study of the various social classes of the eastern meditarrean.

well I've never heard it put THAT way before.................

Some studies suggest that young men have a tendency to fall in love with women who are emotionally similar to their mother. Kind of creepy when you think about it. :)

Quote from: zoonance on Wed Apr 15, 2009 - 12:18:50
[Perhaps it started out as a simple anatomical comparison study of the various social classes of the eastern meditarrean.

Yes, I once conducted a similar study on the West Coast of Southern California. :)

We're not blowing you off, Archibald. When you find her, you'll know it. Until then, enjoy the game. :)

No worries, the mind wanders.

I do agree with chosen on personality and character can affect our attraction to someone. There are a variety of things that contribute to it.

It just boggles my mind that a Christian can say "Well I just don't like his/her personality." and thats acceptable, but as soon as a Christian says "I am not attracted to the way he/she looks.", you get questioned and acused.

Quote from: chosenone on Wed Apr 15, 2009 - 12:22:14
Some times very attractive people can be very arrogant and will use their looks to get what they want

Not true. I work very hard and I am the poster-boy of humbleness. 

Archibald (I apologize, I don't know your name), I completely agree with you on everything. Physical attraction is what generally catches your attention first. And everyone is attracted to different types of people.

I've been attracted to men before when others around me begged to differ. Some times it's not even their facial features that we find attractive, but their character and the way a person moves, and their body language.

Quote from: Archibald on Wed Apr 15, 2009 - 12:54:20
No worries, the mind wanders.

I do agree with chosen on personality and character can affect our attraction to someone. There are a variety of things that contribute to it.

It just boggles my mind that a Christian can say "Well I just don't like his/her personality." and thats acceptable, but as soon as a Christian says "I am not attracted to the way he/she looks.", you get questioned and acused.

lol. yeah it's hypocritical isn't it. You might think it, but you don't say it.

(Or risk getting sat on.)

Yeah, I think physical attraction is important. But that being said - arranged marriages have a higher sucess rate then non-arranged, apparently.

Also falling in love with someone can make them more attractive to you.

I think just go with the flow and ignore people who try and pressure you into settling for someone you're not happy with - but also realise that God isn't going to give us anybody better then us. (Because it wouldn't be fair to them.)

Quote from: OneLung on Wed Apr 15, 2009 - 09:35:37
Sounds like a good plan to me, but don't be too surprised if your own human nature trips you up. One of these days you may be in a grocery store buying a bag of dog food when all the sudden you notice her standing there. Once you make eye contact, it's over, done, no turning back. She "is" the one whether she fits neatly into your preconceived plan or not. :)

This is 100% correct. Your mind will give you an idea of what you think is pretty (and a lot of it probably comes from media: tv, magazines, etc.)...but when you meet the right woman BAM...she is it. If she is brunette...and you were convinced you liked blondes...you'll have no idea what changed...but it did.

Have fun waiting for the right woman. Ball is in your court to decide who you marry...don't let anyone pressure you.

Quote from: Archibald on Wed Apr 15, 2009 - 10:01:01
By all rights it is a personal thing, but why are so many so quick to label you wordly because you say your not attracted to the way someone looks?

Because they are upset that you don't desire them...or whomever they are talking about. Everyone wants to be a matchmaker.

Quote from: sopranette on Wed Apr 15, 2009 - 11:37:32
David was peeping where he wasn't supposed to be peeping.

love,

sopranette

I believe Bathsheba was bathing in the King's line of sight first ;) I have a hard time believing they didn't have some form of cloth to shield their bathing area from society.

Quote from: fanuvmxpx on Thu Apr 16, 2009 - 12:20:53

Quote from: sopranette on Wed Apr 15, 2009 - 11:37:32
David was peeping where he wasn't supposed to be peeping.

love,

sopranette

I believe Bathsheba was bathing in the King's line of sight first ;) I have a hard time believing they didn't have some form of cloth to shield their bathing area from society.

David was on the roof of the castle...high up. And it was night time with only the moon to light the area. He had a bird's eye view whereas others couldn't see over the fence.

Quote from: Archibald on Wed Apr 15, 2009 - 12:54:20
No worries, the mind wanders.

I do agree with chosen on personality and character can affect our attraction to someone. There are a variety of things that contribute to it.

It just boggles my mind that a Christian can say "Well I just don't like his/her personality." and thats acceptable, but as soon as a Christian says "I am not attracted to the way he/she looks.", you get questioned and acused.

Yeah, that's stupid. God made us mind, body and spirit. So why would we not want to be attracted on all those levels? It was God who made our eyes attracted to certain looks, so tell them to take it up with HIM.

Quote from: Archibald on Wed Apr 15, 2009 - 09:25:18
Would I be going to far to say that there has to be a physical attraction for a relationship to work?

People tell me to look at someones heart, not how they look. It baffles me that people don't see the need for there to be physical attraction.

God already has someone in mind for most of us, someone he matched perfectly to us. I would think physical attraction would be apart of that process.

The reason I say this is because alot of people tell me I am too picky. I know what I like and I am sure God does too since he designed me. But I have also been accused that it's not Christian like, and sometimes I quarrel with myself about it.

I guess my stand point on it is im not gunna settle unless she is perfect for me, and as vane as it sounds to some people, physical attraction is apart of it.

Don't sell yourself short!  And don't listen to people who say physical attraction should not be part of the equation.  It is, and you can't fake it.  It needs to be there, please believe me.

I recently tried the internet dating scene, at a Christian website.  I met a guy from my state and we talked for about a month and a half over the phone and exchanged emails.  We decided to meet because we lived only about 2 hours from eachother.   What I didn't count on was that my first impression of meeting him in person was one of disappointment.  He was somewhat homely looking.  (Not cute.) I knew instantaneously from the moment I saw him that I was not interested in him in a romantic way...at all.  It was unfortunate, because I had developed an emotional connection with him, by talking with him over the phone.  At least I have a good friend now, but I was still very disappointed.

My one Christian girlfriend was trying to tell me that because we had a good relationship over the phone, that I should basically give him a chance, regardless of what he looks like.  I was upset at that, because he really kindof grosses me out!!!! What bad advice! At first, I thought maybe she was right, but I'm like, c'mon, your husband is a good looking guy... why should you tell me to compromise on looks.  I got the same bad advice from my best friend, initially...and then over time she told me that he was a complete psycho, and she was "scared for me".  Uy yi yi!  I told her she did not need to be that worried.  Anyways.  Use caution when "internet dating". 

And please, don't settle for someone you are not attracted to.  You have to wake up next to this person for the rest of your life.  You have to be intimate with them.  Don't settle! Think about it...God knows who would be attractive to us, so He has that person waiting for us.  Did God give Adam an unattractive Eve, who He was like:  Sorry, Dude, I know she's not the hottest, but it's the best I could do?  No!  He was like, there you go, Dude!  I created only the best for you!  I know you well!  (God has that person for you, too! )

Love your Sister in Christ,

Kristina

Of course, God probably doesn't use the word "Dude" LOL

Quote from: OneLung on Wed Apr 15, 2009 - 12:29:42
Some studies suggest that young men have a tendency to fall in love with women who are emotionally similar to their mother. Kind of creepy when you think about it. :)

Yeh my husband did that with his first wife and that is why their marriage wasnt good. Both are controlling, manipulative and bossy. Fortunately I am very different from his mum.( I hope)

Quote from: kristinaf on Sat Apr 25, 2009 - 15:28:09
Of course, God probably doesn't use the word "Dude" LOL

Haha, I ALWAYS use "Dude" when I'm talking to God. I'm like, "Oh dude, no way. You do NOT want me to really talk to that person, do you? Aw man... I gotta do it..." and then laugh to myself.

Back on topic: This is one of the reasons I've kind of held back from dating. Guys have written me notes before asking me out and saying that they think I'm cute. When this was happening, I was kind of... too tomboyish, and I never believed that they thought I was cute, so I'd turn them down. That, or I'd turn them down for the simple reason that the first thing they'd mention was their physical attraction to me. Kind of made me think they were shallow or something.

So it's odd that I've made those decisions because I really do think that there needs to be a certain level of physical attraction. I think it really depends on the two people of how important that the initial physical attraction is.