Christian Forums

I don't want to bore everyone with the details, so I'll try to keep it short.   

But I am very unhappy in my marriage.  First, I feel like anytime we do anything sexual, it's like she's being forced into it which is a total turn off for me.   She won't initiate, she won't foreplay unless she's the one getting attention, she won't pay me any attention sexually.  When I ask for attention she refuses with an EWWW, I can't do that or I can't touch that.  I swear she has a penis phobia.  Even when she hugs me, she pats me on the back impatiently until I let go.  I am now feeling like she just isn't attracted to me, or just doesn't love me.

In addition, she seems to always find a way to put me down and say how she was just joking and why am I so sensitive about it... when it happens so much that I don't believe she is joking.

I used to tell myself that it's ok, that that was just the way she was and that I just need to accept it.  But it wasn't always this bad, and I guess I'm just wearing down.

I feel like I'm being used for my paycheck (she's SAHM).  And while she'll go buy groceries, getting her to actually do the cooking and keep up with anything (including kids activities that I end up taking the kids to) is like bad dentistry, and when I bring it up, somehow I am the one that is being unreasonable for asking about it.

I wanted a wife to go through life with, not one that I had to pull around.  I'm getting tired, and very sexually frustrated.  I've contemplated having an affair, which I know is wrong, but it sounds so appealing right now.   I am getting to the end of my fuse.   I don't want to divorce, but I don't see any light at the end of the tunnel. But I'm trying to do the right thing.

Do you have married Christian friends to seek advice from?

No, we moved here a couple years ago, and although we are involved in church, I don't feel like I've connected well enough with anyone there.

And you think you're better connected with the strangers in here?   

This is not the kind of thing that can be remedied in the anonymity of cyberspace.  It requires personal counselinng from people who know you and care about you.

Steve

Quote from: stevehut on Sun Aug 23, 2009 - 20:19:38
And you think you're better connected with the strangers in here?   

This is not the kind of thing that can be remedied in the anonymity of cyberspace.  It requires personal counselinng from people who know you and care about you.

Steve

I did not look online for a connection..... I came looking for objectivity.  I'm not an idiot, and realize that this will not be resolved overnight, but chastising someone for seeking objective suggestions or thoughts about their situation in an online forum devoted to marriage is truely disturbing....especially in a supposed christian environment. And especially if they don't feel like they want to air this kind of detail (for whatever reason) to the individuals they DO know.

You were better to not post at all.

This was the only christian marriage forum that had any traffic in it, and even then it is a far less than the other marriage forums where people are looking to to divorce or cheat.... so I guess it's no wonder......Forget it..... I'll seek the thoughts of others.  Thanks anyway.

         You don't need a forum you both need to go together to a marriage councilor.  GOD Bless.

Mr X......Im sorry for those posts.

here is some advice, tongue in cheek.

Come back as Mrs X, post similar complaints, and you will fill PAGES with advice, from "leave the bum, get away, what a jerk, etc"

On the serious side, I feel your pain. In fact I think you may just be shocking folks because you are being blunt and honest, and it doesnt compute with the churches views or definately not societies view. You are not asking for a servant, you are not pushing some overbearing tradtional (=evil to many) domination submissive thing, you are atlking about a shared journey.


Did your wife always have the aversions to sex?

is there anything you can do/have done, to try and make yourself more "the man she needs" lacking better words?
Im asking because others will ask that.

You have an uphill battle. Im sorry.

I think it was the affair comment that turned people off. It irritated me. Yes your wife is giving you a really hard time by the sounds of it, but you really need to see a professional marriage counsellor.

Cheating is not an option for a christian. Some people can be impossible to live with. They can manipulate through all kinds of avenues until their loved ones just give up in disgust.

The answer is not to commit adultery. You may be frustrated and feeling desperate, but God gave out the death penalty for people who did that in the old testament for a reason. It's a sin that can do the kind of damage that leaves a trail down several generations.

Leave your wife if you have to if this can't be resolved, but cheating is never, ever, the answer.

I do feel that the two of you need outside help to resolve this. Could you ask your pastor or one of the elders and their wives for someone who you could go to together? Counselling does help many people (although not all). The alpha marriage course is very good I thought when we went on it, maybe a local church is running this course. it gives help and advise about communication, resolving difficulties, conflicts, sex, forgiveness etc.

You wife does sound a little like my husbands ex, not very interested in sex, not very affectionate or loving, etc, expecting him to do everything and not appreciating him for it  etc and it isnt easy. When we met after she had divorced him, he was literally starving for love and affection. In fact God told me two weeks after we met the three things that he needed and they were love, affirmation and tenderness. Sadly she didnt seem capable of seeing this herself and thus neither of them were happy.
However an affair isnt the answer and will only make things worse. Try to get help for you both. God deosnt want you to end your marriage and you actually have no grounds for divorce. Good Bless

 Mr X. have you not figured out it is not you. I have been a SAHM, and your life seems good in some ways, and so uninteresting in others. Does she dress up, or stay in PJ pants? She does not feel sexy, I can guarantee almost 90 percent, that is the cause.