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My wife I have been married for 5 years and have a 2 year old son. If you had asked me even a couple of months ago I would have instantly said we had a good marriage.

We are both on our churches worship team and my wife recently started helping out with the youth group organizing a drama club.

I thought this would be a huge step forward for her. She has been a stay at home Mom for the last 2 years. This has been completely her choice and we have had a few discussions about if she wanted to return to work. She says shhe has always wanted to be a full-time Mom. I think thats great!

However, since accepting the role in the youth group she has become a Facebook addict, literally.

It started with her chatting with teens from the the youth group which she justified as needing to build relationships with them. Ok, I can see that.

Fast forward two months to the present and Facebook consumes the huge majority of her day. She may stop long enough to do some dishes or laundry or make lunch for our son but the rest of the day is spent in front of the computer. Our son plays alone or watches TV all day, unsupervised, while she chats. I have even come home form work to find the office door closed so our son would not "bother" her.

Almost everyday I come home after being at work for 10 hours to find her in the office on Facebook, our son in front of the TV. I almost always cook supper. As soon as we are done eating she heads back to the office. I play with our son and then put him to bed around 8-8:30.

In the last week our son has made a huge mess trying to pour his own cup of juice because she just has no time for him. It is way beyond acceptable.

Also she hardly ever chats to the teens in the youth group anymore. Her day is spent meeting guys, yes only guys, on Farkle and chatting. I am aware of a few she has added as Facebook friends.

She admitted to me a few days ago that she had had a very dirty conversation with one of these friends and said she was sorry. To be honest I was not that surprised. Since then my trust in her is completely gone.

Last night while she was away at a youth leaders meeting, of all things, she had left one of her chat windows open and I took a look through a few lines. The way that guy talked to her was disgusting and what was worse was her responses. She didn't come right out and talk dirty but she laughed about what was being said to her and continued to flirt and encourage it. Even though what I found hurt very deeply I still felt bad for spying on her.

This morning when I got up for work I found another open chat window with similar talk with another guy. She apparently stopped chatting at 12:30, 2 hours after I went to bed and she said she be up in a few minutes.

At this point I am heart-broken and feel sick to my stomach.

Before she admitted getting involved in these conversations I had repeatly expressed my concern about how much time she was spending on Facebook and ignoring me and our son. Those obviously went no where.

I am dreading going home tonight and having to either confront this issue or pretend like I don't know until I can decide what to do.

I am sure that some will disapprove but before I left for work I installed a Facebook app on my wife's account that logs every chat session. I feel horrible doing this but also don't know what else to do. I need to know how bad this really is.

It helps to get this all out and I am not sure what I am expecting as a response to this post but I desperately need advice and prayer right now and just someone to talk to.

First, Im sorry for you....thats heavy heavy stuff.
Second, I have no big breaking fix.
I will say this, if you want to see all this past you and get on w/ the marriage, as I assume you do hopefully, whatever you say, preface it with something like, "Before we get into this I want you to know it WILL all be OK, Im hurt and it will show for awhile, but lets make this a beginning".....or whatever, setting her mind immediately at ease that you are there to fix a problem.

I have no other advice....pray all the way home for wisdom

Im sorry too...

You need to try and make her see she is what seems to me addicted to the internet.

The flirting with the men is more like a "symptom" IMHO even though I know it much really crush you.

But my concern would be her sort of  seeming oblivious to how many hours she spends on it.When she said she would come to bed in a "few minutes"..to her those two hours probably only seemed like a couple minutes.

If she denies she is addicted then I would challenge her..To not use the computer at all for lets say one week.

If she can make it a week then I would challenge her to then limit ..litterally use a timer of how much she is on it daily.

If she wants to check her stuff several times a day she can set a timer of 30 minute increments.Say even while the baby naps....and for 30 minutes in the evening after the baby goes to sleep.

The internet can litterally suck you in ..Especially if you are home all day and you arent around adults.

She will wake up one day and realize her 2 year old is 5 and going off to kindergarten and she has said "in a minute" to him for 3 years and that minute never came for him.

She needs to snap out of it.

Love

Dallas

I'm on Facebook and I like the games mostly,  including Farkle.  I have male & female friends on Facebook.   I don't chat with random males I don't know in those games.    Sometimes, people see you in the game and will send a message or invite to play another game.   Like I say yes to tic tac toe, get a few game coins and move on.  My laptop is left wide open for my hubby to read anything he wants and sometimes he does while I am doing something else.   I have nothing to hide.   

If, Facebook or online stuff is causing a real problem then the best thing to do is take a break from it or eliminate it totally until you can establish honorable boundaries.  Or stay off of it forever.    I believe your wife has crossed the line and it would be best for her to get off of it for her own sake and for the sake of your marriage.

Scripture reading and prayer between husbands and wives. If they are really pursued wholeheartedly, then other challenges should go away, if there is a forgiving spirit.

The challenge there, is, of course, in the wholeheartedly. The husband can give a lead.

Sorry..I was just thinking..

You also need to tell her to use some of that computer time to look up "should infants watch T.V".She needs to utilize the computer to research early childhood development and if she doesnt feel like a completely neglectful mother after she researches then I wouldnt know what to tell you.

Your sons brain development is beign put at risk(by that I dont mean he will be retarded but he will not develop to his max potential)..By her limited interaction with him and his excessive exposure to television.

Everything I have researched? Children under two (best case senerio) should not view ANY t.v at all.And what you DO let them view(because we all do it)..the parent should view with the child and interact with the child and discuss with the child what they are seeing.

He needs one on one VERBAL interaction with adults.Not 'hearing voices' on a t.v.It will put him at a disadvantage as to his language skills.

Love

Dallas

Everyone,

I very much appreciate your advice. I've been praying all morning for wisdom on how to confront this with her.

It is not at all a coincedence that just this last Sunday, unfortunately my wife was away on a youth group camping trip, our Pastor spoke on marriage and how he heard that another Pastor he was good friends with was leaving ministry and his wife to move in with a girl he had meet on the Internet.

I wanted to tell her about it when she got back but felt not too. Maybe today is the right time.

Please pray for me and that God would prepare the situation before I arrive home and that my wife would be receptive and open to working on this problem.

Thank you, bless you all.

PS:

Leave all the psycho- stuff and get regularly and wholeheartedly into the Word together prayerfully. It works wonders.

Quote from: farouk on Thu Sep 24, 2009 - 10:19:36
PS:

Leave all the psycho- stuff and get regularly and wholeheartedly into the Word together prayerfully. It works wonders.

Its worked so wonderful that we have 500+ sects all claiming to know the truth.

How about you use the bible to affirm what the Holy Spirit is telling you to do instead.

T:

Clearly, you and I are not on the same wavelength.

Quote from: Tantor on Thu Sep 24, 2009 - 10:23:31

Quote from: farouk on Thu Sep 24, 2009 - 10:19:36
PS:

Leave all the psycho- stuff and get regularly and wholeheartedly into the Word together prayerfully. It works wonders.

Its worked so wonderful that we have 500+ sects all claiming to know the truth.

How about you use the bible to affirm what the Holy Spirit is telling you to do instead.

29If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell.


   I have a quick fix, kill the internet, People will not die without it, and if your marriage is more important than the World Wide Web, then use the same principal Jesus told you to in Matthew 29. Do what it takes as the spiritual leader in your home.

Quote from: lightshineon on Fri Sep 25, 2009 - 00:21:30
I have a quick fix, kill the internet, People will not die without it, and if your marriage is more important than the World Wide Web, then use the same principal Jesus told you to in Matthew 29. Do what it takes as the spiritual leader in your home.

Agree 100%   

That's wisdom

Praying 

PS. If your wife is being unfaithful, the internet alone isn't responsible, she has something in her spirit that is pulling her in that direction at the cost of her family. Being stuck at home can be a very emotionally draining and restrictive thing for a young mother, but adultery is in a different category to just internet browsing or addiction through boredom.

I don't personally advise any 'king of the house, submit to me or you're disobeying God' kind of lawgiving, but I do believe in ultimatimums. In a similar sitution, my ultimatum would probably be for her to leave until she'd sorted her junk out. However that isn't necessarily right for every situation. (Obviously it's essential to be led by God in this.) If she won't change, then it's probably only a matter of time before she actually cheats on you, and you don't want to find that out the hard way. If you seperate and she continues down that path, at least it will protect you from a much harder fall and more suffering then necessary.

Is there a way of bringing some christians into this that you trust? Would being humiliated by others finding out be enough of a wake-up call for her to stop (the right people obviously.) Sometimes a combination of all of the above might be enough to cause her to realise the seriousness of what she's doing.

All the best with it. I'm so sorry that you're in this sitution. Will pray for your son as well.

There is a time for that stuff, for sure.  God Himself did this, saying" behold, I set before you this day life and death.  choose life, and live."  Follow the Spirit's leading.  And sometimes, due to emotions and what-not, we don't hear that clearly, or even at all.  Nevertheless, that is what we strive for in all situations: walking in the Spirit, who is the light unto our feet and the lamp on the trail.

Trust in the Lord, and lean not on your own understanding, and He will make your paths straight.  Hers?  That's up to her and God.  But He can you use when you trust in Him to lead her, as you are her head.  Hope it works out well in the end for you two together.

 The Internet may not be responsible, but it is adding to the addiction for her. There is a baby involved in this situation, who needs its moms attention. It sounds like she wants to be young again ( as if teenage years), with no cares or responsibilities. She is  married woman, with a small child. I gave wisdom from the word, that was what was ask for. I am interested knowing what she would do if she was denied access to the internet? I am not for a man being a brute either, but, sometimes in a marriage boundaries are drawn. Her just leaving would make things worse, she would be free, and on the facebook more than ever. This shows me she is in the wrong ministry, she has regressed into a teen herself. ( Remember The baby) The baby will,never be two again.

 OSG, have you confronted your wife. about this, have you thought about asking her to step down from ministry, and get rid of intermet, for marriage, and babies sake.

Quote from: yesult on Sun Sep 27, 2009 - 12:16:28
PS. If your wife is being unfaithful, the internet alone isn't responsible, she has something in her spirit that is pulling her in that direction at the cost of her family. Being stuck at home can be a very emotionally draining and restrictive thing for a young mother, but adultery is in a different category to just internet browsing or addiction through boredom.

I don't personally advise any 'king of the house, submit to me or you're disobeying God' kind of lawgiving, but I do believe in ultimatimums. In a similar sitution, my ultimatum would probably be for her to leave until she'd sorted her junk out. However that isn't necessarily right for every situation. (Obviously it's essential to be led by God in this.) If she won't change, then it's probably only a matter of time before she actually cheats on you, and you don't want to find that out the hard way. If you seperate and she continues down that path, at least it will protect you from a much harder fall and more suffering then necessary.

Is there a way of bringing some christians into this that you trust? Would being humiliated by others finding out be enough of a wake-up call for her to stop (the right people obviously.) Sometimes a combination of all of the above might be enough to cause her to realise the seriousness of what she's doing.

All the best with it. I'm so sorry that you're in this sitution. Will pray for your son as well.

I agree and disagree..

First of all his wife is not being "unfaithful" not in the sense I believe unfaithful is..She is beign an unnatentive mother and wife and is drawn in by the lure of sweet talk on the internet.

I think she is liking the 24/7 attention you can get on the internet..From anyone..So far..

2nd if he puts his "foot down" and tells her to leave in hopes she will change then well in her mind she would (or could ) likely think.."he doesnt want me anyway"....And go full blown into meeting someone..Or just go deeper into the internet.Actually her husband throwing her out will get her sympathy and people(men and women) telling her how she deserves better.

Love

Dallas

Quote from: lightshineon on Fri Sep 25, 2009 - 00:21:30
29If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell.


   I have a quick fix, kill the internet, People will not die without it, and if your marriage is more important than the World Wide Web, then use the same principal Jesus told you to in Matthew 29. Do what it takes as the spiritual leader in your home.

ack.  This is how we often get to this place, this place where control is the fix.  We try to use it on our kids and other friends and family, too, and it doesn't work with them, either.

Scripture says husband and wife are to become one.  As one, they work together, think together, plan together, fix problems together.  These two are still acting as two, and now you want to make him the controller over one?  That's an explosion waiting to happen.  Not only that, if this is her desire, she will just find another computer at another place to make her connections.  This will break them, not make them.

*********

"onshakyground": You certainly are, sir.  As I've said on this forum a thousand times, get help.  Find a certified Christian counselor and prayerfully, gently, yet firmly, insist that she go - for the sake of your marriage and the sake of your son.  F/B is an addiction.  And you see where it led her.  She needs help, not condemnation, not punishment.  If she won't go with you, take your son with you and go w/o her.  Taking your son with you will give her a feel for what the future might be like for her.  In addition, tell her that if she does not go with you, you are obligated to go to the church leaders to have her removed from her work for the church.  She knows all these things already, but is unable to make these changes herself.

Be her helpmeet, as she has been yours.


BTW, I understand that nauseated pain in your gut.


If you need help finding an appropriate counselor:
http://www.ncca.org/Directory/

Listen to phoebe. That' is very smart advice.

Quote

I agree and disagree..

First of all his wife is not being "unfaithful" not in the sense I believe unfaithful is..She is beign an unnatentive mother and wife and is drawn in by the lure of sweet talk on the internet.

I think she is liking the 24/7 attention you can get on the internet..From anyone..So far..

2nd if he puts his "foot down" and tells her to leave in hopes she will change then well in her mind she would (or could ) likely think.."he doesnt want me anyway"....And go full blown into meeting someone..Or just go deeper into the internet.Actually her husband throwing her out will get her sympathy and people(men and women) telling her how she deserves better.

Love

Dallas

If you re-read the original posts, the man talked about inappropriate (sexually suggestive suggestions that she was encouraging, on more then one occasion.) That isn't sweet talk. That's moving towards adultery. Fairly fast if the suggestions were actually reciprocated which the poster was in the process of checking.

 Getting rid of the internet, is not that devastating. Plus, if something is causing sin, Jesus said get rid of it. I do not see that as controlling at all, he is trying to save his marriage, and his child.

Lightshineon seems to have the right approach.  Like any other addiction, get all access and temptations out of the house.  Cancel the internet and consider removing the computer altogether until the obsession has passed.  Hopefully, your wife will reconnect with your son, the most important person in this situation.  Reading together is a good idea, but there may be a need for counseling for both of you as well.  If your marriage and giving your son two attentive parents is important to you both, it can be worked out.

Don't let it go on and get worse without taking action. 

Praying for all three of you.

this to happened to me at one time as my husband was flirting with other girls in chat rooms and when I found out it was very upsetting and what I did when he was gone I went into those chat rooms under preferences  and pulled up his chats and made copies of them and then presented him with the evidence. He wasn't only embarrassed, but tried to deny it at the same time. I told him in the eyes of God that was adultery even if you think it and if it did not stop I was not only going to take it to our pastor, but that I would leave him. Our pastor was a huge mentor of his and he did not want to be embarrassed in front of him and apologized to me and said it would never happen again and that he did not want to lose me. Since that time I have disabled that chat from the computer so he would not be tempted to go back. We sat, we talked and we resolved and this is what you need to do and also pray and ask for Gods guidance as to keep everything in line and with love and compassion in your heart. I'll be praying for you.

Disconnecting the internet or the chat rooms does not solve the problem.  It is a band-aid on a large wound that will not adhere for long.  This is not something they will be able to "fix" by themselves for the long haul.  Not only is there the issue of habit/addiction, there is also the issue of broken trust, and they will need long-term support/accountability for that.

Quote from: phoebe on Thu Oct 01, 2009 - 16:01:56
Disconnecting the internet or the chat rooms does not solve the problem.  It is a band-aid on a large wound that will not adhere for long.  This is not something they will be able to "fix" by themselves for the long haul.  Not only is there the issue of habit/addiction, there is also the issue of broken trust, and they will need long-term support/accountability for that.

Yes, but Jesus did say what he said, and he is always right. I agree this is not a fix all, but, it is a start on the road to trust, if she agrees to save the marriage.

Quote from: lightshineon on Thu Oct 01, 2009 - 21:59:59

Quote from: phoebe on Thu Oct 01, 2009 - 16:01:56
Disconnecting the internet or the chat rooms does not solve the problem.  It is a band-aid on a large wound that will not adhere for long.  This is not something they will be able to "fix" by themselves for the long haul.  Not only is there the issue of habit/addiction, there is also the issue of broken trust, and they will need long-term support/accountability for that.

Yes, but Jesus did say what he said, and he is always right. I agree this is not a fix all, but, it is a start on the road to trust, if she agrees to save the marriage.

What did Jesus say?  To pluck out the eye of another or cut off another's hands?  No.  He said for YOU to get rid of it.  It won't matter one whit if someone else does it for you.  The idea is for the one who has committed the wrong to be repentant.  You can't force repentance.  You can force temporary obedience, but it won't last a week.

Trust is not so easily rebuilt.  Nor should it be.  It's a serious offense.

All I can see with this scenario of pulling the plug on her is a huge backfire.

QuoteYou can't force repentance.  You can force temporary obedience, but it won't last a week.

Trust is not so easily rebuilt.  Nor should it be.  It's a serious offense.

All I can see with this scenario of pulling the plug on her is a huge backfire.

I have to agree with this. To Lord it over someone won't change their heart, it'll only cause them to hide it further (and perhaps even hate you for exposing their sin so openly.)
And to be honest I'm not sure I agree with putting a tracker on the internet either to 'catch' someone out. That's being deceitful to gain ground in a situation. But even if your intentions are right, to sin to try to solve something will give angles for the devil. Two wrongs don't make a right.

If you can't trust someone it will show over time if you're honest about it. Particularly if you ask God to expose the truth about the situation. To not do that is actually a lack of faith issue if you feel you have to sin to get an answer.

If my husband started 'tracking' me on the internet, even if I was in the wrong, I'd just lose respect for him. It wouldn't change my heart. How can someone come out and say 'you're in the wrong, I can't trust you' when you can't trust them either? It's not  logical or reasonable.

what I posted was for how I handled the situation and never intended it to be everyone's solution as sometimes it can be an addiction and the couple should get counseling if they want to get past it and mend their marriage.  What I did was nip it in the bud before it escalated any further and removed the temptation by disabling the chat site. Yes he could find other ways if he wanted to cheat on me, but I feel our talk brought us closer together as we hashed out everything and he realized what he would lose if he continued on this path.   

Quote from: Debbie_55 on Fri Oct 02, 2009 - 13:17:40
what I posted was for how I handled the situation and never intended it to be everyone's solution as sometimes it can be an addiction and the couple should get counseling if they want to get past it and mend their marriage.  What I did was nip it in the bud before it escalated any further and removed the temptation by disabling the chat site. Yes he could find other ways if he wanted to cheat on me, but I feel our talk brought us closer together as we hashed out everything and he realized what he would lose if he continued on this path.   

Glad it worked for you. 

 No Phoebe, my thinking is this, He tells her the plan for action, getting rid of the temptation. If she does not agree, then maybe she does not want the marriage. Sometimes a bandaide or tourniquet is needed to stop the immediate bleed.

She's a grown person.  She can get computer access 1,000 places.

It would be more suitable to ultimatum her into counseling, and to make sure all contents and functions and actions on the family computer are fully accessible to both parties, than to figuratively stomp and storm and yank the power cords out of the wall.

If he treats her like a responsibility-less child, which he as Almighty Spouse should mold, then that will be the best result he gets -- someone of substandard understanding and trustworthiness, for an adult, humbly waiting for him to mold and shape her.  Something less, even, than a child.  Hardly a partner.

Quote from: janine on Sat Oct 03, 2009 - 01:50:10
She's a grown person.  She can get computer access 1,000 places.

It would be more suitable to ultimatum her into counseling, and to make sure all contents and functions and actions on the family computer are fully accessible to both parties, than to figuratively stomp and storm and yank the power cords out of the wall.

If he treats her like a responsibility-less child, which he as Almighty Spouse should mold, then that will be the best result he gets -- someone of substandard understanding and trustworthiness, for an adult, humbly waiting for him to mold and shape her.  Something less, even, than a child.  Hardly a partner.

If my husband was into porn, well I guess I would want accountability. I hope my husband would love me enough, not to leave after an indiscretion, but also care enough about our marriage, to get rid of what was causing the problem. She would have to take the two year old with her, and that is not easy to get Internet connection. She is acting like a child, a teenager, actually. She is involved in ministry, and it is going to hit the fan, when she is accused of statutory rape of a minor. If she happens to get into talking to teens like she is the other men. Not only will her family suffer, but, it brings reproach on Christ, and the Church. Just wait, it will not be long before a parent gets wind of her behavior. Not to mention the baby locked in a room, he could hang himself on the mini blinds, swallow something and choke. Poor baby was tyring to pour his own juice. She will not stop, and I doubt she will go to counseling. She does not need to be in ministry either at this point. This is so serious on so many levels, you need to take it as such.

"I set before you this day life and death.  Choose life, and live".

Perhaps applying this to the situation, following God's example to those in need and under His leadershp, would be applicable.